Notes:
This is just something that I wrote that really helped me cope with my own anxiety and struggles lately. I know it isn't much, but I wanted to share.
Life as a hunter was hard. You saw things that normal people would not even dream of; the mangled bodies and even watching someone die in front of you. It was all part of the job. So you think that by now with the years and years that Piper had been hunting that she would be better than this. The woman that could cut clean through a vampire's neck without flinching, stab a demon with a blade and watch their face light up without looking away. You would think that she would be able to master her emotions. Yet, here she was curled up on the cold tile of the bathroom floor lost in her emotions.
Piper has had anxiety since she was a child, blame it on a rocky childhood or whatever you want. It did not change the fact that what had been managed and controlled was spiraling out of control and taking her crashing to the ground with it. So far she had managed to keep everything under control while there were people around. Put on that happy face when that beautiful green eyed man she called her boyfriend looked deep into her eyes. Saving the weakness for private times when she was alone in the bunker, or when everyone was fast asleep.
It was hard to tell when things started to get out of control, maybe it was during the trials, or Gadreel, the mark, Amara... Take your pick or the bag. She had been so focused on taking care of everyone else that there was no time to take care of herself. Between trying to keep the boys from killing each other, or doing what she could to keep Dean from flying off the rails when Mary left to adjust to, well... being alive. There was no room for her problems right now.
The problem was that it was only a matter of time before the boys started asking questions about her mysterious sleepy spells, or headaches, even staying back from hunts now. The act of being alright, the fake smiles, it was all wearing her down. It was a struggle to keep up some days, and today she just could not do it anymore. The excuses will come later, right now she just could not hold it in anymore. The floodgate had opened and just would not close.
Everything that you could think of to worry about was running through her mind. From the boys getting arrested to having a heart attack with the door locked and no one being able to get to her in time. Piper's whole body shook with the powerful emotions, a suffocating weight on her chest making every breath feeling like a monumental task. Then there were the tears, flowing down her cheeks like water out of a broken tap that just would not stop. A sheer feeling of panic feeling every part of her mind as she fell so deep into the mess of emotions that the sound of the door opening completely escaped her mind.
Piper nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt a hand on her shoulder. The thought of the boys coming home early and finding her causing a whole new kind of panic to fill every fiber of her being. Much to Piper's surprise, it was not one of the boys crouched down next to her shaking body. No, it was Mary of all people. She was actually back in the bunker and the first time she saw Piper again was now... this was horrible. "It's just me Piper." Mary said softly, those soft hands grabbing Piper's shoulders and pulling her up off the floor into a sitting position. "Want to talk about it?" Mary asked, that soft voice giving Piper something to ground her in reality, something to hold onto like a floating ring in deep water.
"I'm such a baby, I should be out there hunting and living life instead of worrying about it." Piper said through her sobs, finding herself comforted just by having Mary there to listen. Yet, even with the comfort, the tears kept flowing as emotions swirling like a whirlpool in her mind. Mary had a world of problems of her own to deal with right now. There was no reason for her to be trying someone to work through their own problems. So, just the thought of Mary taking the time to try and help her through something that could really just be nothing was calming in itself. "What's wrong with me Mary?" Piper asked as she pulled her legs close and the panic inside her turned to pure sadness.
The feeling of Mary's hand rubbing her back, so much like Dean when he caught her crying now and then. It had a calming effect on her body just like Dean's hand on her back. "There is nothing wrong with you Piper. I worry all the time. Before... I died... well I worried all the time about losing my boys, or some monster taking me away from them. People like us do not find happiness easily, and when we do the world seems to be against us keeping it. You can't let yourself take it away before anything even tries." Mary explained, causing Piper to sigh as she rested her head on Mary's shoulder; taking in the weight of Mary's words. "Do you want me to stay with you till Dean comes back? He should be back soon."
Piper thought for a moment about Mary's offered and realized that she really did not want to be alone right now, and there was comfort in having Mary with her. Just like the comfort that she used to feel when she was with her mother all those years ago. She just look Mary's hand in hers and held it as they sat there in silence, the sobs turning into sniffles. The sound of Mary's humming almost making her sleepy with the calm around her. That familiar song that brought Dean so much comfort, Hey Jude.
"You are going to be alright Piper. If I can find a way to get through this world there is no reason why you cannot." Mary said softly, her hand rubbing Piper's head and ruffling her short hair. "I did a pretty good job cutting your hair." She added, causing Piper to laugh softly. Thankful for the distraction that the topic was promising. "Excited for Dean to see it?" Mary asked, causing a fresh wave of panic to run through Piper at the thought of Dean reacting horrified or disgusted to the new look. Before Piper could think anything else the sound of Dean's voice rang through the halls of the bunker. "Relax Piper. He loves you so much that there is no way he would not love anything you do." Mary added as the door to the bathroom slowly opened.
There was no time to think anymore, there was no more hiding with her puffy bloodshot eyes. "Having some girl time in here?" Dean said as he looked over at the two of them with a big smile on his face only to have his face go unreadable when his eyes rested on Piper. "What happened baby?" He asked, her eyes moving to the ground in shame at the situation as she felt Mary get up. Dean taking her place and wrapping an arm around her waist.
A calming comfort like no other that came from having Dean's arm around her. Yes, Mary was comforting, but nothing could beat the feeling of safety that this man gave her. That smell that is pure Dean surrounding Piper like a blanket. She rested her head against Dean's chest and curled close to him as he held her tightly. "I just had a moment, or you know several moments." She said softly, feeling Dean's arm tighten as a deep breath passed her lips.
"Does this have to do with what is going on with you lately?" Dean asked as he pet her head softly, almost making Piper purr with the feeling. "Also, I thought you loved your long hair. Not that I don't dig the new look. It is just really, really short." He said softly, his fingers scratching at her scalp. Earning an actual purr-like noise as her head rested on Dean's chest. The soft thud of his heart taking away any worry that was left inside that mind.
Piper just nodded softly as she looked down at their laps. Choosing to avoid the serious topic threatening to smother her right now. "I was talking with Mary and I just decided that it was getting in the way. It was an impulse and so far I am not regretting it." She said, shrugging a little and biting her lip nervously. Dreading actually telling Dean about everything. Knowing that there was no getting out of this one she took a deep breath and started trying to explain what was happening. "Well, I have this thing... I guess you can call it a thing. Anyways, I get this bad anxiety, like, the world is coming to an end. Which to be fair usually is, but I could control it before, but recently it has gotten really bad since everything that has been going on. It's just... even when I have no reason to panic I do. Sometimes it is just too much to cope with." She said softly, continuing to keep her eyes on Dean's lap at the overwhelming shame of everything just said. Yes, Mary's words helped, a lot. Sooner or later it would come right back in full force and the cycle would return.
It was not long till her face was being tilted up and she was looking into Dean's eyes. "Why didn't you tell me Piper? You should not have to sit there and suffer by yourself. Just... I know we have a lot going on, but I will always have time for you. Always." Dean said softly, his words bringing tears to Piper's eyes. Knowing that someone cared so much about her was too much to handle right now. Everything about the man next to her was more than she deserved. Honestly, Piper would probably still bottle her feelings in. He would be watching out for her now, there was no hiding from anyone knowing.
Maybe him knowing was a good thing. There really was nothing more calming than being in Dean's arms and hearing those reassuring words being whispered into her ear. His face deep inside her hair... okay, maybe that will not be happening, but everything about Dean screamed safety and love. He was the one thing that held her together some days, and she needed him now more than ever. Here he was for her, willing and waiting to help. "Thank you Dean. If it makes you feel better I wasn't alone the whole time. Your mom came in and calmed me down. She really is a great mother." Piper said as she rested a hand on Dean's chest and wrapped her arm around Dean's back.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here to help you." Dean said, frowning and looking away from her. Shame filling his eyes as they avoided hers. "You tell me when it get's bad okay? Even when it is not bad and it is just a mild one." He explained, his eyes moving back to hers, peering deep inside. Almost as if they were looking straight through into her soul.
If it would have been anyone else Piper would feel nervous or vulnerable, but with Dean she was safe and there was no reason to have any fear. "I will, I promise." Piper said as she smiled softly at Dean and slowly leaned up, pressing their lips together in a sweet kiss. Maybe things were going to be alright after all, this would all be managed like before; with Dean by her side, anything was possible.