(A/N) So I played around a bit, being the sadistic person that I am :P. In season 1, Bryan was taught to block all emotions except hate. Well, I chose to interpret things a little differently, and decided that he was forced to block all emotions against his own will, and is unable to unblock them. This is an insight into his thoughts.
It's all Bryans POV, and it's very short.
Disclaimer- I do not own Beyblade or Bryan.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What did I feel yesterday?
It occurs to me that at a time like this, I should feel very confused. Confused and worried, but I don't feel a thing. I skulk across the outdoor courtyard, slower than I used to, cursing the sky for being so blue and livid at the snow for being so white it hurts my eyes. On any other day, would I have been capable of enjoying the bright sunshine? A strand of hair falls in my face, blocks my vision, and I inwardly growl and shake my head. That strand that feels it can annoy me to death won't budge and I refuse to give it the satisfaction of knowing it caused me to raise my cold hand from my pocket. In front of my eye it shall stay, to irritate me even further.
This is the best weather we have had in days, why does everything seem so bleak to me? Why do the small children beyond the gates run around and laugh and play? What gives them the right to be happy when I am stuck here in a state of fury? And why am I stuck here in the first place? I have every right to be free from this hell hole of a prison, and yet I am cooped up while the brats on the other side of the gate run the streets as if they owned them. I bash the gate with this new found rage, my fist throbbing from the impact, and this only angers me more.
How can a person wake up one day to find that they feel nothing at all? Nothing remotely pleasant, even remotely morose. Not happy, nor sad, proud, or even amused. There's nothing to be amused about today. Today the World is black to me. I can't stand the sight of it, I want to go back inside. But I despise the inside even more. What waits for me there? Long confusing corridors that I don't even understand, damp and grimy walls, cold hard floors. The mere thought of it makes me sick.
I don't know why I never had the urge before, to complain of this disgusting state in which I'm forced to live. I've been here so long, how have I gone on all this time, without the urge to smash the gates? I'd say this feeling is satisfying, but even that sensation does not arise. And this would confuse me, but again, nothing. What has happened to me?
I go for the gates again, with even more force this time. The children look so scared of me, and I think I like the feeling. I like the feeling of being a threat to them. I suddenly detest them all anyway. But to my right I see a slight movement, and I spin around to catch my disturbance. A small camera, swivelling around to face me. They're watching me. That stupid man and his guards are watching me again. The only familiar sensation from the days before today returns. How I hate him. I hate him and I always have, but I am forced to obey him. I am forced to be used against my will in order for him to feel he has that much more control over everybody. I know this is his doing, what has he done to me?
I am forced to leave the gate to retreat to a place where he can't watch me, and sneer at my suffering. I hate retreating and I hate defeat. He has not beaten me. I can't imagine how I had dealt with this before I woke up this morning. I can't begin to contemplate what I felt yesterday.
Questions are flooding my mind, and there are so many that I can't answer, it floods me with rage and I know I should control it. But I can't.
Why the sudden desire to inflict so much pain on almost everybody I pass by? Why are they looking at me so strangely? What do I not remember that makes them feel so sympathetic? I hate their sympathy. I want none of it. I want to wipe their sorrowful expressions clean off their faces in a desperate attempt to make myself feel better. But I know it won't help. I'll probably never feel better again. It's the strangest feeling in the World, and yet it isn't because the confusion and the panic are not there. There is no longer a trace that either of them ever existed.
Why am I not worried for my battle tomorrow? My whole home town will be watching as I step up in the Beyblade World championships to face a winner of the American and Asian tournaments. If not worried, well Spencer won his battle and defeated Kai, I should at least be pleased, should I not? If not worried, I should at least be filled with some sort of confidence. But nothing! I want to annihilate Rei, and skin Kai alive aswell for what he has done. I never took to him, but I hate the way he thinks he can waltz in and out whenever he pleases. Some of us have been working hard and enduring torture for years just to get where we are today. He can not go and throw it all away!
I'd say I'm scared of this sudden rush of hatred, but no, not even fear will rear its head. Just more hatred for the fact that I can't do anything to bring it forth.
Why does it look like she is waiting for me by the back gates? Why does she smile at me when I approach her, and why can I not smile back? I attempt to move the corners of my mouth but it only shows up as a spiteful sneer. I stop abruptly and clench my teeth. I hate myself for being this way. What does this girl want from me? On any other day, would her smile have made my day?
I can't risk making me hate myself even more, so I quickly back through a door and out of sight. I lean against the wall, fists clenched so tight my finger nails sink slowly into my palms. The pain is unpleasant but I don't feel it. And I don't feel sorry for myself. I probably deserved what ever suffering I am put through. Whatever I have done, it must have been terrible, given my punishment. I hear another camera move, and something in me snaps. I remember now.
They had me in that room for months, they brainwashed me through mental methods, and tortured me through physical. I did not know what they had been trying to do this whole time. And I finally understand, though no feeling of relief or understanding comes to me. They have used their technology and sick brainwashing methods to rid me of feeling. And I woke up this morning with no emotions except hate. And they watch me and they laugh and tell themselves this is a simple side-effect. They say that soon their hard work will pay off and they will have what they want. They don't care what happens in order for them to get to it. They will do anything. Nothing will stop them. Once assured that Biovolt was a family. Family? I spit at this reformatory they call a family!
The biting cold seeps through the holes in my jacket and I shiver involuntarily. What I felt yesterday is ancient history never to be repeated. They took everything from me, and I still was unaware they could take this much. They used me for their power-hungry experiments. I was a lab rat, running on that wheel with hope and responsibility dangling in front of me. I ran my whole life. They want nothing of me, or the rest of us. I am merely a tool they use for their own convenience and entertainment.
And I hate it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(A/N) I am trying to get some more of my short stories written and uploaded. I have many in my head at the moment. This one did not come out quite as I had hoped, but that's okay, maybe I'll re-write it some day.