More Pointless Humor
By Kali Gargoyle
Oh, yeah, I don't own the characters in this story, except myself. I forget this every once in awhile and I think we all need to be reminded. Especially Disney. They need to remember they own this show.
***
It was a dark and stormy night. As I stood on the tallest parapet of Castle Wyvern, I could feel the cold rain on my skin. The wind pulled at my shirt and pulled thin locks of hair from my tight braid-bun. I closed my eyes and felt the tingling as I pulled in the raw, unbridled energy of the tempest above my head.
"Is this another witch thing I don't know about?"
I opened my eyes in mid-roll. I turned around to face David Xanatos. He's wearing dark clothes, as usual, and a trenchcoat and is carrying an umbrella.
"What do you want?" I asked with the typical teenager attitude.
David arched an eyebrow. "Just because you're a writer doesn't mean you can visit my castle whenever you want."
"Yes it does. This castle attracts strangeness." I crossed my arms over my chest. "By the way, where is everyone? I came to see them and they aren't here."
"They probably saw you coming," David laughed.
I narrowed my eyes. "Watch it, Davie-boy. Remember what happened to the last person to mouth-off at me?"
David had the grace to look mildly frightened. It only lasted a brief second. "How come you're writing in the past tense? The last one was in present tense."
I stomped my foot in a puddle. "Shut up or I will write in future tense!"
David blinked. "Is that possible?"
I threw my arms in the air. "I don't know!"
Laughter bubbled up from seemingly nowhere. Lexington and Broadway climbed over the edge of the tower. "She doesn't know! She admitted she doesn't know something!" Lex said. "Where's a video camera when you need it?"
I jumped towards Lex but he moves away. Fortunately, I landed gracefully in the spot he was standing.
"Ha! You fell on your butt!" Lex doubled over in laughter.
"No I didn't, read the last sentence. I landed gracefully."
Broadway snickered. "Yeah, all the grace of a mad truck."
I stand up and the rain starts falling down harder than ever. "Where's Brooklyn? I thought you all traveled in packs?"
Goliath came up the stairs. "He's still angry at you."
"For what?" They all gave me THAT look. "Oh, that." I gasp, "I forgot to change him back!"
"Yeah you did!" Brooklyn stormed onto the tower roof, still neon pink, casting a faint glow on the objects around him. It's very hard for me to keep a straight face and I failed miserably.
"Oh, yeah, yuck it up. You know what? Screw the rating. You're a bitch, you know that? An evil, sadistic, pagan wench! I hope you burn in hell! I hope Demona pulls every blonde hair from your head! May Margot Yale lecture you for fraternizing with gargoyles! And Venus DeMilo is a better mystic than you are!"
"Hey!" I yell. "I am so much better than Venus! None of my spells have backfired! And I have a better figure."
"Right." He blinks, "Okay, you do, but I still think you're a bitch."
"You and half the world." I sigh. "I'll change you back okay?"
Brooklyn eyed me suspiciously. "What will this involve?"
I walked towards him, a coy smile on my face. "Relax, this won't hurt a bit." I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him into a kiss. After twenty seconds, David checked his watch. Broadway suddenly found the stones very interesting. Goliath tried his very best not to be shocked and Lex was getting a little greener as a minute rolls by.
I finally let go and Brooklyn slumped back onto the stone wall, trying to catch his breath. His colors start to slowly turn back to normal.
"Was that necessary?" Lex asked.
"No, it was an excuse," I smiled down at him. Brooklyn was still trying to get back to normal when Fox walked up with baby Alex. She's holding a large umbrella to keep the rain off her precious baby.
"I caught the sarcasm in that sentence," Fox said.
"Just because you don't like children doesn't mean you can make fun of those who love theirs," Goliath stated.
"Oh, bite me." I replied.
Fox looked me over. "Honey, you need a makeover. That basic black is so last millennium."
I roll my eyes. "Just one of your dresses probably costs more than my entire wardrobe."
Fox cocks her head to the side. "You're right. Of course, I think that's because you are pulled towards clearance signs."
Angela, Hudson, Owen, and Elisa climb up that stairs onto the roof. They've come up simply because they're the only regular cast members missing.
Angela puts her hands on her hips. "I'm glad you've decided to include me this time."
"I'm not," David said. Angela's eyes went red. David held his hands out. "I meant I'm sorry she included me! I have an important meeting to get to and it's getting very crowded out here."
"Allow me." I snapped my fingers and we were all teleported to the outside courtyard. Everyone took a step back to give everyone more room.
Lex scratched behind his ear. "What's the difference between transport and teleport anyway?"
I sigh. "You're obviously not a writer. Here's my definition."
Brooklyn leaned over to David. "Hey, look, it's Mrs. Webster."
I turned around. "I heard that!"
Brook and David both try to look as innocent as possible. Davie-boy's good at it because he's had a lot of practice, and Brooklyn just naturally looks that way.
"Anyway…transport is when something is moved by technological means. That is, by car or Transporter. I use teleport when you get moved by magickal means. We just teleported."
Elisa pushed a strand of hair out of her face. "Thank you for that pointless information, Miss Gargoyle."
"This whole fic is pointless!" I yelled. "I'm just sitting at my computer, typing this out!"
Goliath looked down at me. "You didn't do a written rough draft first?"
"It's not like this is part of my Gargoyles saga*, or my Dragon Lore story**, this is a random piece of pointless stupidity!"
"Written by the one who knows stupidity best," Broadway smirked.
"Now I know why I didn't invite you last time! And don't call me stupid, I have an IQ of 148 you know."
Brooklyn rolled his eyes. "Yeah, we know, you've only told us like a million times."
I pushed my hair back into place. Fox looks at me. "Who does your hair? You've got that triple-3D-French-braid-bun thing going for you."
"I do it, of course. I let no one else touch my hair."
Lex and Brooklyn exchange glances. "I'll hold her down," Lex said.
"I'll get the scissors!" Brook exclaims and runs into the castle.
I put my arms over my head. "No! Don't you dare touch my hair! I'll never have you met Athena! I'll have Kali go back to Eros! I'll make you both pink!"
Brooklyn returned without the dreaded scissors. "Ah, we were only playing."
I pushed out my lower lip. "Mikey never threatened to cut my hair."
"He wrote 'weird' on your forehead," Angela pointed out.
"That's it! I don't need you people! I can watch anime with Leo. I can discuss existentialism with Don. I can bake cookies with and throw flour at Mike. I can trade lewd comments with Raph. I'm through!" I disappeared in a puff of smoke. As the smoke swirled around everyone, they all let out a sigh of relief.
"At least it's over," Goliath said.
David shook his head. "Sorry, Goliath, I'm afraid not."
"What?" Brooklyn cried. "Why?"
David casually walked inside. "If this story gets good replies, she'll write another, and keep writing them until it gets old. Or until people stop writing reviews because she doesn't reply."
"She doesn't reply because she's lazy," Lex said. "If she was a good writer, she'd finish all the stories she wrote about us. And reply to all the people who write to her."
Suddenly Lex was hit by something from behind. There's nothing there except the small silver pentacle pendent Kali always wears. "You little rat!"
"Gah!" Brook yelled. "She's invisible!"
The disembodied voice continued to talk. "I'm not lazy, I'm a procrastinator! I'll take the opportunity right now to thank everyone who ever wrote to me. I don't like writing thank you notes okay! They all sound stupid and sound like they're cut from stencils! I still like to hear from everyone, no matter what. Even flames! I'm a pyro!"
"Why don't you just stop procrastinating?" Hudson asked.
"I'll get around to it." There was evil laughter. "You walked right into that. Okay, I'm leaving now, for real this time."
Brooklyn stuck his arms out and felt around to make sure their tormentor was really gone. "Well, at least I look normal again."
David smirked. "Well, as normal as you get." All the gargoyles glared at the multibillionaire.
***
In case you didn't know:
(* My Gargoyles saga is my gargoyles fan fic universe, it's currently on my website and the Gargoyles FanFic Archive. They are currently being rewritten, see below for why it's taking so long.)
(** My Dragon Lore story is my Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation fan fic, currently on only FanFiction.net but I haven't put it all up yet. It will be on my website next week.)
Yes, these are plugs.
***
Okay, here's my author note for the end of this story. It's true, I am a procrastinator. I'm so bad I'm an eventual procrastinator! I'll eventually get around to putting things off! I know it's a horrible trait and I'm working on it. From now on I plan to reply to people once a week. One day out of every seven, I'll set aside time to say thank you and answer questions, respond to comments and shoot down suggestions. That only includes direct email, of course. If you're reading this on FF.net, then your reviews with be put up there for everyone to read. You can email me with anything you don't want others to read, including bodily harm and death threats.
Don't take it personally, and please keep reading my stories. You are under no obligation to write me, as I make a poor pen pal, and I'm actually rather boring. Thank you for your time.