Title: BITTER TEARS

Author: to Archive: Yes

Fandom: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

Pairing: Ennis and Jack

Rating: R – adult language

Summary: Ennis decided to "fix" things after he regrets turning Jack away when he came up to Riverton after the divorce.

Warnings: Adult language

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Annie Proulx; I'm just borrowing them for a while.

BITTER TEARS

Ennis lay in bed, arm flung up over his face while bitter tears streamed down his cheeks. "Jack, Jack….I'm so sorry," he whispered into the darkness. He wiped at his face with the corner of the sheet. Sad, sad thoughts raced through his mind. What have I done? I sent you away, and you're the only thing in this world that matters to me! As soon as those thoughts formed he knew it wasn't true. He could hear his girls giggling in the next room and he knew they would always have priority in his heart. It was like he had two hearts; one that beat for only his girls; and the other just for Jack.

He rolled over on his side and clutched his pillow to him. Wish you were here right now, Bud. I need to be holdin you, breathin your air. You just surprised me coming up here like that; then you said you asked 10 different people about me! Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?

He got up, went into the bathroom and shook two Tylenol out of the bottle and swallowed them. His head was splitting and his heart was breaking. There was no way he was going to sleep tonight. He kept seeing Jack's eyes; so bright and grinning happily when he got out of his truck, and then so sad and awful as he said "See you next month then."

He could hear the words but the look in Jack's eyes said he might not be coming back. He could feel Jack's arms around him, holding him tight; oh God, he needed him so bad tonight! It was different when he didn't see him for months at a time, he was used to that but this was different. Jack had been right here in his driveway and he had sent him away!

What if he doesn't come back? What if he is sick and tired of driving all that way just for a few days with me? What if I never see him again? He sat bolt upright in bed. He couldn't stand this any more! Some things a man just can't stand! This was one of them. He had to fix this. He didn't know how, but next month when Jack came up – if Jack came up, they would have to work something out; fix this because it had gotten beyond the point of standing it any more. With those his last thoughts he dropped off to sleep. They would fix things next time Jack came up.

Jack stopped at the first bar he came to once he was back across the border again. He ordered a bottle of whiskey and took it out to his truck and started on it.

"You son of a bitch, Ennis, look what you made me do! I drove all the way up to get you with all kind of plans for us and you shot me down! You don't give a damn about me; I'm just you're little fuck-buddy, that's all I've ever been to you! Well fuck you, Ennis Del Mar! I'm gonna find me somebody. Somebody who'll wanna be with me full-time, not just two or three times a year; off hidin in the bushes somewhere." Each sentence punctuated by a long drink. "You just go play 'Daddy of the year' if you want. I'm gonna find me somebody! I'm gonna call Randall when I get home. He's been wantin me to go to that cabin with him. I'm gonna do it; see if we can get something serious goin. He's a fine lookin man, Ennis! You'll be sorry then, I'll bet; when you're little Jack puppet doesn't come runnin up there for you to play with!" He wiped the tears away on his shirt sleeve. I'll show that fuckin Ennis Del Mar! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK," he pounded his fist on the dashboard. Those were his last thoughts before he dozed off/passed out.

The next morning he drove on home. Back to Childress, a town he hated; to a job he hated; working for a man he hated; and to Lureen. He didn't hate Lureen. She had always been good to him; never asked too many questions and her night-time visits to his room and dwindled to about once a month now, and he was fine with that.

He drove right on into work. He sat behind his desk and took out his folder of all the places in Wyoming that were for sale, all the booklets on cabin kits, and house re-modeling and let it all slip through his fingers into the waste basket. There was no need for them any more. A place for the two of them was never going to happen; he was sure of that now. His phone rang and he answered it. Life goes on.

Three weeks later, Ennis begged off work early, threw a few things in a sack and headed out for Pine Creek. He drove faster than he should, pushed his old pickup harder than he should and got there before Jack for a change.

He set out gathering up some firewood and in no time had a nice fire going. He chopped some wood while he was waiting and had a nice little stack set aside for their stay. He kept looking at his watch and wondering where Jack was. He refused to dwell on the old thoughts of last month; instead planned out exactly what he was going to say to Jack; tried hard to come up with the right words to match his thoughts. He had to get across to Jack that he had to be more careful about things. They just couldn't take any chances. He'd find the words to make him understand.

It was getting dark and Jack still wasn't there. He had always been there before dinner time and it was closing in on 8:00pm. Ennis opened a package of hot dogs he brought and ate a couple of them cold; took the third one and speared it with a stick and held it over the fire. When the outside started to blacken, he slid it into a bun and ate it. Jack still wasn't there.

The night was full dark now, no moon in sight, only the glow of the campfire twisting and lurching from the gusting wind. He pulled his jacket tighter around him and stuffed his hands deep into the pockets and stared into the fire.

"Jack, where are you?" His own voice startled him in the darkness. For hours there had been nothing but the sound of the creek rushing by, the trees rustling in the breeze, an occasional bird over head.

He looked at his watch, 10:13, and for the first time let himself think the dreaded thought – maybe he's not coming! He pushed that thought away immediately! He probably had a flat tire; or maybe some other trouble with the truck; or maybe got tied up in traffic along the way. Every other thought was allowed in but the first one. Jack would come! He said he would; he'd be there.

11:00 o'clock, 11:30. The fire went out and he sat in the dark listening to the silence. The cold crept in and with it came all the fears and doubts he'd been refusing to consider.

He stood up and walked around a bit; working the circulation back into his limbs. He decided to wait in the truck; at least it would get him out of the wind.

He climbed in and opened a bottle of whiskey and took a long drink. "He'll be here! He has to! I got lots of stuff I need to talk to him 'bout. He'll be here." Another long drink;

"Oh God, please don't let anything have happened to him! Please get him here safely. I ain't never asked you for nothin before, but I need you to keep Jack Twist safe tonight and get him here to me as fast as you can." Another long drink and he recapped the bottle and leaned back. "Jack you gotta be alright! You gotta get here and give me another chance. We can make things right; work things out. We'll fix this, Jack, but you gotta get here."

Jack drove through the traffic on the interstate, cursing all the way. This trip normally took about 14 or 15 hours and it was now going on 20! He couldn't believe his bad luck! First of all, Lureen gave him trouble this time and didn't want him to leave. They had a big fight and he got a late start. Just out of the city limits he had a flat tire. Had to turn around and go back. First place he stopped didn't have any in stock the size he needed. He finally found a new one and got it put on. Took off again and ran right into the damnedest storm. Heavy rain, wind and hail, dinged up his windshield and the hood of his truck. A big accident in the middle of the mess and traffic was stopped for more than an hour while they peeled some guy and the mangled mess of his car off the concrete! Back on the road again but it was thick with cops so the going was slow. He finally made some time but got into some detour that routed him off the highway and through some little dinky town, just big enough for him to get lost and blew another 30 minutes trying to get back on the highway.

It was nearly 1:00 when he pulled off the paved road and onto the little winding dirt road that lead to their favorite camping spot. The road was narrow, steep and treacherous and he drove slowly, his wheels crunching small twigs and leaves along the way; branches slapping against the side of his truck.

He pulled to a stop in his usual place and there were no signs of camp. No fire, no Ennis, no pickup to be seen. He got out with his flashlight and walked around; then he spotted Ennis's truck. He had pulled it further in than usual but it was there.

He heaved a sigh of relief and went over; reached out and pulled the door opened. The overhead light came on and Ennis snapped awake.

In one quick movement, Ennis slid out of the truck into Jack's arms; holding on tight, murmuring, "You came back! You came back!"

"Of course, I came back. I told you I would, didn't I?" Jack couldn't understand Ennis's clinging and words of fear and wonder at his being there.

"I was 'fraid you weren't comin back; 'fraid I'd never see you again. You still mad at me? I'm so sorry, Jack! I swear it'll never happen again!"

"Hey, what's this all about?" Jack pulled Ennis's arms from around his neck and stepped back a bit.

Ennis took a minute to regain his composure then said, "You're late! Where the hell you been? I been waiting for hours and hours!"

"Oh man, this was the trip from hell for sure! Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Tell you what, you get us a fire going and I'll get the tent set up. I'm beat and it's colder than a witch's tit out here. Lets get some coffee going and settle in then we can talk." He handed Ennis the flashlight to see to the fire making.

"OK. Good. I could use some coffee." He started off then turned back, "Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad you came back; glad you got here OK."

"Me too." He unloaded his stuff and got the tent up. Ennis got the fire going and in minutes they were sitting side by side on a log pulled up by the fire pit and sipping hot coffee.

"You hungry, Bud? I got some hot dogs and beans in the truck." Ennis offered.

"Nah. I grabbed a coupla sandwiches last time I stopped for gas. I'm fine. This coffee sure does taste good though. Nothing like a cup of coffee brewed over a campfire; it's the best."

"You got that right, for sure!" Ennis agreed.

They sat for a while staring into the campfire and enjoying just sittin next to each other, shoulder to shoulder. Jack broke the silence first. "Ennis we need to talk; serious talk."

"That we do, Bud, but first, I'd like to say somethin then you can do all the serious talkin you want, OK?"

"Sure. What do you wanna say?" Jack turned sideways on the log so they were facing each other.

"It's 'bout….you know…..this thing….this, what's 'tween us…..Shit, Jack! I'm sorry 'bout what I done. You drove all that way to see me and I sent you away. Can't tell you how that pained me but you surprised me. I never thought that postcard about my divorce would bring you runnin up there thinkin it meant the two of us could go off together! Then you said you asked 10 people where I was! Do you have any idea how dangerous that was? Jack, you gotta watch that shit! That's the kinda thing that could get a body killed!"

"So was that supposed to be an apology? Or are you just chewin me out? Or what?"

"It's all of them."

Jack chuckled and took another sip of coffee.

"I'm serious, Bud! If we're gonna fix this thing 'tween us, you gotta start bein careful about this stuff."

"We're gonna fix things?" Jack asked setting his coffee cup down.

"Yeah; we gotta, Jack. I been thinkin real hard on this and we gotta work somethin out."

"You thinkin we can work this thing out? How?" Jack was skeptical.

"Yeah, I do. We gotta start with some ground rules though, you gotta be more careful what you say and do 'round folks."

"So this, workin things out, is just about me bein more careful?"

"No. It's 'bout eveythin. You and me and this…thing. Hell, Jack. We gotta call it what it is. We love each other. We need to be together and we gotta figure some way to do that safely."

Jack's mouth dropped open. "That's what I been tellin you for years now, Ennis. We need to be together! More than once or twice a year!"

"I agree. We're gonna work that out, I promise you!"

"You mean what it sounds like you're sayin? You mean we can be together? Get a place together?"

"That's what I'm sayin!"

Jack jumped up, turning his coffee cup over, and grabbed Ennis up beside him.

"You serious? I ain't dreamin?"

"I'm serious. We been apart long enough. It's time to fix this….."

That's all he got out before Jack grabbed him in a bear hug, covering his face with kisses.

"Oh, Ennis! You won't regret this, I promise you! I'll be careful, you'll see. You won't have to worry 'bout me none."

"We got lots of plannin to do, Bud. We gotta find a place close, so I can see my girls. Don't wanna have to be drivin all the way from Texas every time I need to see them."

"Oh, hell yes; Wyomin is where I wanna be anyway. Texas was just a place to be. It don't mean nothin to me. Maybe we can find us a place between Riverton and Lightning Flat so I could see the folks!"

"Sounds good; just don't want no big long drive to get to my girls."

Jack pulled away then; a dark could passed over his face. Ennis noticed but said nothing. He waited for Jack to explain. He knew he would. Jack was good at explainin things.

A few minutes passed before Jack spoke. "I got somethin to tell you first, Friend. I done somethin bad. You gotta know 'bout it before we do much more of this planning."

"Whatever it was, it's OK. Ain't neither of us ever been no angel, Jack."

"It was really bad though."

"Hell, what'd you do, kill somebody?"

"No. I wanted to though."

"Who did you want to kill?"

"You; for sending me away after I drove all that way to see you. I figured you would never come to care for me the way I care for you."

"You figured wrong then. So what'd you do?"

Jack turned to face him, hand on hips and chin up, "I went to Mexico. I found me a male prostitute and I fucked him."

Ennis drug his eyes away, turned from him and took a few steps over to the fire.

"So, you plannin on seein this fella again?"

"Shit, no, Ennis! He's nothin to me. I just paid him for the use of his ass. I don't even know his name."

"How many others you been with Jack? Or do you even know how many?" He gave him a sideways glance of disgust, not meeting his eyes.

"Only one, sorta."

"What the hell kinda answer is that?" Ennis demanded.

"It's the truth kinda answer, that's what. There was this one fella in Childress, he'd been askin me to go up to this cabin with him for months. I was still so mad at you that I finally went. We kissed a few times and felt each other up and that was as far as it went. I told him I was sorry but I was in love with someone else and I left; didn't even stay the night. That's it."

He walked over beside Ennis. "It was wrong and I know it. It was wrong to do that to you, wrong to do that to him and wrong to do that to myself. I'm sorry. I coulda just kept my mouth shut and not said anything about it but I don't want there to be no secrets between us. You still wanna be with me?" He had to ask.

"It was wrong what you did; but it was wrong to do what I did too so I guess we're even on that one. I ain't never fucked no other fella but you though; never wanted to."

"It won't happen again, Ennis, I swear. I was just out of my mind thinkin you didn't want me but once or twice a year and it was killin me, cause my need for you was all the time; every minute of every day."

"I been all mixed up about this, Bud. I been fightin and denyin it all these years, but I'm through with that shit." He turned to him then, "I love you, Jack, and I know you love me. The truth is, I don't really give a damn 'bout what people think; never have. I just know that people like us are getting killed all the time and I don't what that happenin to you or me."

"We'll be careful. I promise." Jack reached out for him and Ennis came into his arms. They held on tight and swayed a little back and forth in front of the fire.

"Ennis, I'm happier than I ever been that you'd even consider us gettin a place together but I'm beat. I been on the road for over 20 hours tryin to get here. Could we just go to bed and finish up this conversation in the morning? I just want to lay down and feel your arms around me."

"Sure thing, Bud; I can use some sleep. Haven't been gettin all that much sleep lately myself. I was worried sick you wouldn't come back." They made their way into the tent, pulled off their boots and climbed into the opened sleeping bags; two zipped together as one large one. They spooned together, Jack on his left side and Ennis wrapped around him; legs tangled together.

"You really think I wasn't comin back?"

"It worried me somethin awful. I saw it in your eyes that day. It was like I killed somethin precious inside you. I hated myself for what I done to you. Got me thinkin what it would be like if you didn't come back; what my life would be like without you

and I didn't like what I saw; knew we had to do somethin 'bout it." He pressed a kiss against Jack's temple.

Jack pulled Ennis's arm tighter around him; snuggling back up against him.

"We'll do somethin 'bout it in the mornin, OK? Right now I just need to feel you all around me; wanna think 'bout sleepin like this from now on. Love you, Friend."

"Love you too, Bud. We'll make everythin alright in the mornin. Sleep now."

The end