All of the cases we have gotten within the last few months have been very dry. I find myself in my office more than I have been in the last few years. Though I know the work has not gotten harder, it has in fact gotten easier, I find myself unable to concentrate at the task at hand. My hands feel the variations on the bones, the different textures and colors are apparent to me, but the answer does not come as fast as it used to.
Maybe I need to read more and refresh. There is always more to learn about the truth. Maybe I need take naps more. Sweets says taking 30 minute naps help with memory (and have been scientifically proven), and though I'm always reluctant to listen to him, I feel perhaps he is right. Maybe I need a break. Maybe I need some time off. I try to take my mind off what ails me, there's no use in dwelling.
But when I sit alone in my office, trying to catalogue all of evidence I've uncovered from past and previous victims, I find myself unable to stop thinking about Booth breaking off our engagement. I never let myself feel as much as I did then, and now, even though we have Christine and live together, it feels as though we barely acknowledge each other.
Or perhaps it is just me avoiding the situation as a whole. Spending time away from home has become almost a necessity, even though I know it's irrational. I find myself sleeping in Angela & Hodgins' guest room. I even ended up brining a bag of clothes to keep there. It seems unfair to stay here, but when I feel myself unable to bear with the emotional pain, I don't feel as comfortable around Booth as I'd like.
I am not fond of crying, so when I cry in front of someone else, it seems like I can't stop. Angela tells me she is okay with it, even when I text her from her guest room at very early hours of the morning. She reminds me of how much she cares about me, and how happy she wants me to be. It is a subtle comfort, because it has become a part of my daily agenda now. I don't intend to wake up every night at 3am and start crying, but I do. I walk myself into the shower and stand there until the warm water becomes ice cold.
When I am at home, I spend most of my time with Christine, teaching her basic things, reading to her. She always is happy, and that makes me very happy. She is the person thing I am always particularly excited to be around. I love her.
And I still love Booth.
I still care for him, I just see myself feeling less and less happy, and when he kisses me, it still feels good, but not as much as it used to. I'm not going to walk out on him, I know he knows that. I'm just going to need more time than I would like to let my heart back out of a metaphoric box. I hope he understands.