Numb
"For the last time," Kurt said as they walked in a fast pace to his car, "You can't stay here. Think of New York."
It was after school and everyone had planned to head off to Breadstix. Rachel frowned and tried to keep up with his speed. "I could never go without you or Finn."
Kurt opened his door and paused. Rachel seemed sincere. He could see it in her eyes, though, despite everything she was saying. That burning desire to be on Broadway, be famous and successful. She wanted NYADA. She wanted New York. She wanted the thousands of people clapping for her. And the biggest injustice of all would be making her wait in a city like Lima another year or perhaps longer for Finn and him. Rachel Berry was a star and Lima was no place for a star like Rachel Berry. It wasn't a question of if, but of when.
A part of him wanted desperately what Rachel had. But he had his chance. The most awful part of his experience wasn't actually just losing. But perhaps, to be so close to getting something he had worked and cried for day and night and losing it. That moment when Carmen Tibideaux told him Hugh Jackman would be proud of his performance had made all of those tears and hard work worth something.
Kurt hadn't cried, though. He felt oddly, numb. Blaine and his dad tried to comfort him with words like, "You're too good for NYADA,", "Who needs them anyway,", "They'll be sorry in a few years,". But the thing was, was he wasn't to good for NYADA. He failed. He lost the role as Tony. He lost the Senior class presidency. And now his spot in NYADA.
He remembered a time long ago, when he said that one day all those Neanderthals who used to throw him in the dumpster would all be working for him in the future, that wouldn't be happening now. He was the Lima Loser.
A part of him wondered if Rachel hadn't got in that would mean he would've.
"Are you okay?" Rachel asked, looking at Kurt to see the smallest sign of breaking down like she previously had.
"Never better," Kurt said with a smile despite how emotionless he was feeling. It wasn't the first fake smile he had given and wouldn't be the last.
"Now we should get working on that audition song of yours," Rachel said, with an excited voice, "Something, Carmen Tibideaux can't say no to, while Not the Boy Next door was-"
He drowned out her voice for a few moments. It was endearing watching her try so hard for her best friend. But the fact of the matter was, he had already showed all the talent he had to offer and they still refused him. Perhaps, New York could wait for Rachel Berry, but wouldn't wait for Kurt Hummel. Kurt Hummel wasn't a star like Rachel Berry. And never would be. He would never be good enough for the lead male role.
He had already submitted an application to Lima community college. Finn and everyone already talked about sending Rachel off to New York in a couple of days. It might be the last time he would ever see her. Her dreams lied in New York. And he was stuck in grimy Lima, Ohio. Kurt wondered why he felt oddly emotionless about the situation.
"Kurt, are you listening?" Rachel asked, as she waved to Finn who they've waited for the last half hour.
"Yeah," Kurt said, "I'm just planning songs."