author's note: this is pretty much AU at this point, and I didn't really expect it to turn into a brittana piece. They're definitely not in ohio, but they're still broken up and Brittany is still with Sam at the start. I'm gonna put a trigger warning because I don't really know if it applies directly but I don't want to be careless. Feel free to message me if you have any questions or criticism or anything.
You don't really know where you're going.
You don't really know much of anything anymore.
You wander and wander, leaving the streets behind, preferring the small wooded area between your apartment complex and the bluffs that skirt the ocean. Your roommates didn't question why you got up and walked out the door in your sweats and t-shirt during your rainy day movie marathon. You don't tell them that the air was stifling, the movie trivial, and their talk of visiting significant others this weekend while you stayed here alone to work a job you hate was crushing you. They don't know you left on the verge of tears, thinking that your future held so much more of this. More loneliness, more desperation, more hating the person you're becoming. You know you did this to yourself, but somehow, it feels as if you were destined for this all along.
After all, you left her. You left her and it killed you, but you knew it had to be done. The trees around you, weeping willows (you nearly smile at how appropriate it is), seem to match your despair. The raindrops sliding off their leaves like the tears on your face.
Or maybe it's rain. You don't know anymore.
You tried to tell yourself that she's happy, that you did the right thing. But a part of you feels stupid and angry and selfish. A part of you wants to run back to her and tell her how much you love her. How much you need her. How you don't think you can survive knowing that she's so much better off without you. You reach the edge of the tree line and see the ocean stretch before you in angry violent endlessness. The wind beats rain against your body and you're freezing, but you welcome it. You feel the cold, it's the only thing you've felt in the last hour. The grey waves beat against the bluffs in time with your hammering heart.
It would be so easy, you think, so simple.
To just let go, to fall into the waves below and be swept away into the dark depths of the sea.
You turn away. Making your way back from the brink and into the safety of the trees. You follow the coast for a while until you find the stream where you've spent so many hours sitting and questioning everything you've done. The flat rocks that jut into the water are perfect for your quiet contemplation. You've spent whole days staring into the crystal blue waters, they remind you of her eyes. You sit there now, watching the water rush by you in its hurry to join the sea.
You sit and you sit and you sit.
Not knowing where you're going or what you're doing or how you're going to get through the week. You wonder what your roommates are up to now that the rain has let up a little, you wonder what she's doing. You can see her in bright rain boots jumping through puddles, or watching movies on the couch, snuggled up with him.
You think and you think and you think.
You're so lost you don't realize the sky has faded from gray to black. You know nothing of time or place. All you see is the rushing stream. It rushes like your heart. Your broken but still beating heart. You watch and you watch and you watch until you see nothing. Until the darkness swallows up the stream. Swallows up your body, your soul. You don't mind, the darkness is a good place to be. After all, you spent so much time in the darkness before. Back in high school you were hidden so far into the darkness you were surprised to recognize the light she brought you for what it was. This darkness is different though, before it was you, you were all that stood between the you and the us. Now it's him.
You don't know that your roommates called her in a panic, saying that you left and didn't come back and oh my god please help us look for her you've visited before we don't know where she's gone. You don't know that she jumped in her car in those bright yellow rain boots you imagined her wearing to drive two hours to come and find you. You don't know that your roommates started the search without her, leaving a flashlight and a note on the doorstep telling her all the places they looked. You do know that no one knows this spot. She knows the stream and the bluffs, but not here. This is yours. You find it fitting that this is the most beautiful place you've found since you moved out here and you can't appreciate it like she would.
You don't really think you deserve to.
The flashlight hits the water and you're blinded. You don't know who's found you, you don't know if it's a person or one of the deities you've been begging to lately. You don't move. You're not sure you're capable of movement anymore. Her voice floats through the trees and over the water and right to your ears and you don't move. Has she seen you? Is she even really here? You mind is probably playing tricks on you again.
Maybe you're dreaming.
Maybe you're dying.
Maybe you're already dead.
The flashlight sweeps the ground in front of you as you try to remember the way to the bluffs, your heart in your throat and beating as ferociously as the waves you hear in the distance. You hope to god that you don't find her there. You wonder why they called you, you two have been broken up for months. You don't know why you broke up in the first place. You don't know what she's been doing, you haven't seen her since your breakup. You don't know why you're with him. You do know that you'll never forgive yourself if anything happens to her.
You know you'll never forgive her either.
You think back to the last time you were in these woods, you remember picnics on the bluffs and long walks through the trees that whispered the secrets of the world. You remember the stream and wonder if you can find it. You know it was beautiful when she took you there to see the tiny fish that swam and glittered like diamonds in the sun. You keep the ocean to your side and hope you can find it. You pray that she's there.
That she's okay.
Her roommates say she hasn't been eating or sleeping much. You wonder if she knows you haven't either. You startle when your flashlight hits rushing water and your heart drops, she's not here. You start to follow the stream back to the ocean when your beam lands on her. She doesn't move, doesn't turn even when you call out to her. She looks frozen in time, a shadow of the girl you've been in love with since you first saw her in the second grade. You reach out to her and still she doesn't move, she doesn't even appear to breathe.
You're scared now.
This place you've found her in is nothing like the grassy clearing you just came from. This is different. The rocks jut into the stream at violent angles, the water rushes past, the trees hang low. It might have been beautiful in the day, but here in the dark it's as if everything in this place is trying to steal her away. It's cold and dark and full of lonely regret.
You hate it. You hate that this is the place she seems to go.
You touch her face and it's like ice, she cowers from your touch like it burned and you're thrown into another time, another place. She cowered from you then too. You draw back and really look at her. You look and you look and you look but you can't find that thing you're looking for. That fire that always seemed to surround her. You do notice that she's far too thin and soaked to the bone. She must be freezing and now you're terrified. How long has she been here?
You shrug off your coat and wrap it around her frail frame, hoisting her off the ground as you do so. She attempts to struggle but she can hardly move. You cradle her in your arms and as her eyes close you start to run.
Away from this dark and lonely place. Away from the cold lifeless cave she seemed to find comfort in.
You run and you run and you run until your legs burn and you can see the glow of her apartment building. When the lights hit her you notice the ashy gray that tints her beautiful skin.
You panic.
You put her in your car and start to drive, cranking up the heat and calling her roommates to let her know you're taking her to the nearest hospital.
Why they ask. Is she okay they ask. Where did you find her they ask. You don't answer, you just drive.
You wake up to loud beeping and soft crying. You have no idea where you are or what's happening or if she's really sat there in a chair next to your bed that looks all too much like a hospital bed. You just stare at her, wondering how she got here and why she's here and not with him. She sees you're awake and starts to sob.
She won't meet your eyes.
You really need to see her eyes. She's standing and saying things you can't seem to understand and sobs harder. You lift your arm and wonder why it takes so much effort, but you manage and beckon her. She crawls next to you, choking out how could yous and I love yous and I was so scareds. You stroke her hair and stay quiet. She cries out hypothermias and freezings and you could have dieds and please don't leave me agains and you can feel the emotions seep back into your skin. Taking up residence in your heart and mind and soul. Feelings you thought had left you forever.
You hold her until she quiets and kiss her forehead. You think she's asleep and murmur I love yous and I'm sorrys into her hair and you're startled into silence when she looks up at you with those eyes you've hoped to see for so long. Tears trace paths down her cheeks as she kisses you and murmurs I love yous against your lips. You know that you won't have to explain to her why you did it. You know that you won't have to explain to her why you left, or that you don't know where you're going or what you're doing.
You know that she doesn't know either.
You know that you're lost without her, and now you know that she's lost without you too.
You lay in her arms and watch her drift off to sleep and you feel like you can breathe again.
She's going to be okay. You're both going to be okay.
You extricate yourself from the bed and step into the hallway to call him. It's three in the morning and you know it's harsh but you need to do it. After all, you know he was using you for the same reason you used him. So you call him and you tell him it's over and you give no excuse, he doesn't need one. You go back into her room and lay beside her.
You gather her in your arms and vow to never let her go again.
You understand now why she did it, and you know that you grew from it, but you also know that she doesn't understand. You know that she's the best person you will ever meet and that she thinks she's unlovable. You know that she's wrong, that she's the best person to love, that loving her is easy and natural as breathing. You don't know how long it will take, but you know you'll spend the rest of forever convincing her of what you already know.
So you kiss her head and hold her closer.
This time, you won't let her go.