Ice
or, How to Ruin Your Life in Seven Months
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Rating: The first three chapters are T, and the rest of the story will be rated M, for strong language, violence, explicit drug use, and sexual content.
Timeline: Takes place in season four, after "Eye of the Tiger."
Author's Notes: I've been working on this one for about two years, I think. Another season four AU, I know, I'm sort of hung up on that season. It was definitely Degrassi's peak. The opening is brief, but it picks up, rest assured. Should you take the time to read this, I do so long for your reviews. Many thanks.
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Maybe it sounds disingenuous or cheap, but I can honestly say that all I ever really wanted was Emma. From the moment I saw her, I loved her. I loved her even though it hurt. I loved her even though she grew more beautiful every year, and I stayed the same old nerd. I loved her even though I knew I would never have her. I was always waiting, patient and pathetic, in the shadow of her glimmering light. Waiting to be her study partner, her shoulder to cry on, the sponge to soak up her petty whining. Her nerd in shining armor.
I just thought… well, I don't know what I thought. Every thing I did and believed after Rick died was a huge mistake. A downward spiral. We were tangled in web of lust and oblivion, a train headed towards a brick wall at a hundred miles per hour. After awhile I forgot what even started it all, I was so lost and fucked up.
But it was Emma. It always comes back to Emma. Getting into this game was another one of my lame-brain schemes to get closer to her. I'm not trying to blame her. I only blame myself. But for whatever reason… it still always comes back to Emma.
So I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I just wanted to stop thinking. I guess that's what we all wanted. To feel anything but what we were feeling. To be free from the burden we bore.
And at what cost? What fucking cost? Three lives ruined, countless others scarred by the mess we made. I sit here now and I try to put it all together. I try to understand where I went so terribly wrong. When did I become a monster? When did I become a drug addict? All I ever wanted was to be Rick's friend. To be Emma's favorite. To be a normal guy.
I never wanted this. But I guess no one ever wants it. No matter what you hear in health class, people never think it will happen to them. They are fools. They are drawn, like moths to flames, to the shining and deceptive gloss of ice.