They've been together for four months now, which Justin realizes is longer than he's been with anyone for a really long time. They're out with some old friends of Rebecca's who have just returned for a visit and Justin finds himself actually having a really good time. His hand is over her chair, every once in a while finding its way to her back and her hair. He has this bad habit of always keeping physical contact with her. He only realized it after Tommy and Kevin brought it up and, after he admitted it, have since used it to mercilessly mock him. He really doesn't mind though. Rebecca is engrossed in a story from her past and he smiles as her laughter rocks her body and she looks over at him with a smile. He can't remember a time when he's been happier. His smile widens and her hand finds its way to his. That's when the question is asked.
"Becca, you never told us how you guys met," Lily exclaims. Justin feels Rebecca's hand tighten around his. Lily is a friend from high school and seems to genuinely be a nice person. She has no idea the importance of the question she has just asked. Justin then realizes that he and Rebecca have never actually been asked this question before. They rarely go out with other people, considering the fact that they really do not have that many other friends. The people they spend the majority of their time around are the family and they all know the whole story. Rebecca's fingers are still sealed to his and she is helplessly looking at him. He swallows and racks his brain for a way to make "well, I thought she was my half-sister" not sound immensely disturbing. He can't come up with anything and Rebecca still hasn't said anything so he takes what he knows is the coward's way out.
"Through our families," he manages to say. Lily nods and then asks someone else about their new job. For everyone at the table the question and answer had been simply harmless. But he knows that something very big has just happened. He thought that he had a complete handle on their history, but suddenly he feels like he has been lying to himself for the past four months. Rebecca's hand has loosened from his and she is not looking up from the table. From the look on her face he knows that they cannot ignore what has just happened. The restaurant has seemed to just get much, much smaller and he excuses himself for the bathroom.
Once inside he splashes some water on his face and then leans against the sink. He is not ashamed of how he and Rebecca met. Yes, he is well aware of the total insanity of the foundation of their relationship. He is also aware that they went from being supposed half siblings to much more in a very short amount of time. He looks at his face reflecting in the mirror and calms his breathing. It doesn't matter. He knows, deep down he knows that it probably should, but it doesn't. All that matters is that she is Rebecca and that he is Justin. He wonders if this makes him a sick bastard, but it doesn't really matter because he knows that even if it did he wouldn't care. These thoughts do little to make him feel better, but they are enough for him to go out and face her friends. He isn't sure if he can face her, but he knows that he has to. He walks out of the bathroom to find her standing at the table saying goodbye to everyone. He raises his eyebrows and she whispers "headache." He knows that isn't it, and he feels the guilt overload his entire body. It's times like these that he wishes for pills. He knows that he shouldn't even think about them, but he wouldn't be an addict if he didn't. He drives them back to her apartment in silence. He knows they have to talk about this, so he parks and walks her up. She doesn't say anything and simply closes the door behind them.
"Rebecca," he says and he hopes that she can hear the apology in his voice. She turns around to look at him and then sinks onto her couch.
"Justin, I'm, I'm," she gasps for several breaths and then continues. "I am so sorry."
"What?" he asks before he can process what has just been said. She is looking at him so sincerely and he knows that she is on the verge of tears. He doesn't understand what is happening, what logic she used to get to a place where she had to apologize.
"I just froze, I couldn't even think. I should have been the one to say something, but I just couldn't," she says, fumbling a bit to get the words out.
"God, Becca, no. I should be the one apologizing. I'm the one who made up some lame comment about how we met. I'm sorry," Justin says, finding his voice. She looks up at him and he realizes that the tears have finally fallen over her eyes and that she is crying. He feels the guilt gnaw at him and the images of pills once again dance through his mind. It isn't that she, or even their situation makes him want to use. It's every time he feels like he's hurt her, or every time he thinks about what a screw up he is. Oddly enough, he doesn't get that feeling with her that often. Tonight has been the first time in at least a month that he has even thought about using. He moves toward her and she takes a few steadying breaths, wiping the tears away as she does so. He finds himself directly in front of her, sitting on the coffee table that faces the couch. She looks at him and her eyes glisten from the tears.
"I should have been the one to explain, they're my friends. It's just... I know what it's like when people think you should be ashamed of who you are and I couldn't deal with that tonight," she explains and Justin looks at her in confusion. He really has no idea what she is saying, but he is getting a sinking feeling in his stomach that this conversation is not going someplace good. Unconsciously he takes his hand in hers and she rolls her fingers over his.
"When I was with the guy from Chicago, the one I told you about, everyone looked at me that way. When everything was happening and everyone found out about the affair they all looked at me like I was this poor, little girl who had been taken advantage of. But it was more than that. They were looking at me like I should be so ashamed of myself, especially when they learned that my mother wasn't pressing charges. I could feel the looks everywhere I went. And when we were in the restaurant all I could think was that if we told them the truth they would look at me the same way. It was like I was sixteen again and couldn't go outside because I couldn't deal with what everyone thought of me. And the truth is, I was ashamed of that whole situation and when they asked us where we met all I could think about was what that was like. That's why I didn't say anything," she finishes, but won't look up at him, instead she focuses on their hands. Despite the fact that their hands are still entwined he suddenly feels like he has been plunged into a pool of ice water. He swallows hard and tries to interpret what she has just said.
"Rebecca, are you ashamed of us, of this?" he asks. Her head snaps up and she looks horrified.
"No, Justin, no, absolutely not," she says, her hand leaping from his hands and onto his face. She holds his face so that his eyes look directly into hers. "I have never, nor will I ever be ashamed of us." Justin feels the immense relief roll through his body and he pulls her hand to his lips.
"Are you?" she asks, her voice barely above a whisper. They have never actually talked about this. They have talked about how weird it was, but it was usually in a joking manner. They were used to joking about it because this was how the family had taken to dealing with them. Well, that and sarcasm. They did have to talk about it though. Rebecca's confession of fear about what people would think urged him to tell the truth. He just didn't know how to phrase it so that she would understand. She seems so nervous by his silence and makes a move to remove her hands, but he holds on.
"Rebecca, I'm not ashamed of us. But, sometimes, I feel like I should be. I remember how it felt the first time that I got feelings for you…" he trails off and tries to block out the memory of the level of disgust he had felt for himself. He takes a breath and continues, because he knows that they have to talk about this. "I was so…angry at myself. But it's different now. I'm not ashamed, I've never felt ashamed, please don't think that. It's just sometimes I do think about what other people might see, like what you said. But that's not what I was thinking about in the restaurant. All I was thinking about was that by the way I reacted you must have thought that I was ashamed. But I wasn't, Rebecca, I swear to you that I have never been ashamed of you. It was just that in the restaurant, when they asked and when you didn't say anything I felt like maybe I should be. I'm so sorry for that, because I'm not," Justin says.
"Justin, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I just, I don't even know why I couldn't say it, or explain it. I'm so sorry," Rebecca rushed to get out, but Justin shook his head to cut her off.
"No, I'm sorry, it's not your fault, stop apologizing."
"It's not your fault either, so that goes both ways," she says and Justin can't help but let out a small laugh at their refusal to let the other take the blame. Rebecca laughs also and he tightens his grip on her hands.
"I think what we can establish from this is that neither of us are ashamed of the other one," he says. She nods, finally allowing a smile to come over her face. The mere sight of this is enough to allow Justin to smile.
"It is the first time we've ever been asked that," she points out. "Maybe, we were just caught off guard."
"I think so. Rebecca, you have to know that you make me happier than I think I've ever been and I love you so much for that." Rebecca's face softens and he feels a blush creep up his neck from what he had said.
"What?" she asks, her fingers playing with his. He suddenly feels like he is twelve years old and finds that he can't look up from her fingers. He can feel her smiling at him and after what feels like an eternity he looks up to meet her eyes.
"I love you," he says. "And I loved you before, but now it's different. Rebecca, I'm in love with you."
"I'm in love with you too," she says simply and leans toward him, allowing herself to kiss him. Justin snakes his hand into her hair and he feels all of the remaining tension from their conversation fall away from him. This, this is the reason that he could never feel ashamed for falling in love with her. Rebecca pulls back from him and smiles wider. He feels his own smile grow as well.
"I think that this is something that will always be an issue, but I think that we can deal with it," she says, resting her head against his shoulder.
"Yeah, I think we can. I think it's more than worth it," he whispers into her hair. He feels her smile against his shoulder and he turned his head to kiss her hair. It is worth it, that he knows for sure.