Jedi Psychopaths
Author's Note: Greetings, Star Wars fans! My name is Krysta Vader. Technically, my last name ought to be Solo, but I've never been one for technicalities. So, I decided I was tired of bugging only one section of this wonderful site (under Harry Potter, I call myself Mystica), so you get to hear me blather on endlessly! Aren't you excited? No? Well, neither were my friends. (actual friends who I see personally every day, not computer people half a world away) They have to deal with all my fanfiction.
Now that I've established my identity, let me tell you what my story is going to be about. I like to write cliches, and I see a severe lack of them in this section. Maybe it's just me. But that's what I intend to write. And, a word of warning. Sometimes, I start out to write one thing, but it turns into another, making my original title make no sense whatsoever. Sooooo… enter, if you dare. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
*evil laughter*Luke: Hello, and welcome to the wonderful world of Jedi Psychopaths, the brand-new talk show that's all the rage on Coruscant! Now, we broadcast to the individual home worlds of all the planets in the galaxy! I'm your host, Luke Skywalker!
*applause sign flashes. No one applauds*
Luke: *clears throat* Ahem. I said, I'm your host, Luke Skywalker!
*silence*
Luke: Well, maybe there's no one out there. Anyway, on our show today, we have the original Jedi psycho himself, Emperor Palpatine!
*Emperor walks out. Loud cheering and applause*
Luke: Hey! How come he got applause?
Emperor: Because I'm a great Sith Lord who created a major galactic empire and you're an ex-farmboy who whines too much.
Luke: *whines* I don't whine!
Emperor: Ah, shut up and get on with the show. I have to make an appearance on Jay Leno later tonight.
Luke: Er… ok. So, tell us, Palpsy, what caused you to start your great empire?
Emperor: The little yellow pixies told me to. And don't call me Palpsy. The pixies are still there, and they don't like it…
Luke: *hastily* Ok, sure, if you say so, Your Imperialness, sir! So, the… erm, little yellow pixies told you to conquer the galaxy?
Emperor: Yeah, that's right? You got a problem with it?
Luke: Oh, no, no sir, I'm fine! I was just wondering if we might meet these pixies – er, please.
Emperor: I don't see why not.
Luke: All right, then! Scottish pixies, come on down!
*the Scottish Pixies, distant cousins of the blue Cornish Pixies that often harass Hogwarts, come trooping onto the stage. They are green*
Luke: Er… Mr. Emperor, sir?
Emperor: What?
Luke: I, uh, thought you said the little yellow pixies…
Emperor: Oh, are you one of those color freaks who insist that everything be named after the color it is? Why not call them yellow? Who says they aren't? Who ever said that green is green and yellow isn't? *rises threateningly* Do you have something against yellow?
Luke: Uh… Hey, tech people – HELP!!!!!
R2D2: Beep doo-weep!
C3P0: What Artoo said, Master Luke, is that he has no interest in helping you because you are a big baby who whines too much. *to R2D2* Artoo, I'm not sure this is such a good idea…
R2D2: BLEEP!!!!!!!
C3P0: *shocked* Artoo!
*the Scottish Pixies decide that R2D2 would be a fun toy to play with. They lift him up and swing him round and round and round till his sensors spin, then drop him on Luke*
R2D2: DWEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!
Luke: YAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!
*there is a moment of rather startled silence*
C3P0: Oh my. I, er, think perhaps we'd better find a med droid. Yes, and a repair person, too, of course. And maybe someone to clean up that… mess… *pauses* But who will continue the show?
Emperor: I will! Forget Jay Leno, I'm a TV star! *grabs the mike from Luke's limp hand* Attention, all planets of the galaxy! This is the Emperor speaking!
*the holo-camera's zoom up so that the
Emperor's face fills the screen*Emperor: I am taking over the galaxy again! Repeat, I am taking over the galaxy again! And there is nothing any of you can do to stop me! MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
Luke: *as he is being carried out on a stretcher by the med droids* Until next time, folks! *under his breath, not realizing he is still wearing a mike by his collar* Yeah, right, like I'm doing this again! Where's my producer? I QUIT!!!!!!!!!
*there is a rousing round of applause and cheering*
Emperor: Yes! I can take over permanently! Between the little yellow pixies' brains and my… ahem… exquisite beauty *slicks back his hair* we can rule the galaxy!
*the audience cheers wildly, just before a TIE fighter, carrying Darth Vader before he went all wimpy Light Side-ish, zooms in to blow them all up*
Author's Note: So, what did you think? Is it stupid? Is it ok? Is it the most wonderful fanfiction on this entire site and you think it rivals even the actual books? Am I a total and complete idiot who is wasting her time and yours writing dopey stories with no plot or point? All opinions are welcome, especially the last two. I love getting both flames and compliments. (I know, I'm weird.) There may or may not be more of this. It depends. But, for now… the Force be with you. Always. *takes a dramatic bow and exits*