It probably says a lot about me that this is the second fic I've written about a hat-wearing teenage detective realizing that they're trans.
Specifically, it says that I have terrible taste in video games but great taste in characters. Atlus and Spike Chunsoft can both fight me, I'm freeing these children from the shackles of marketability.
The cross-dressing pageant had gone smoothly enough, Naoto supposed, though the results had left something to be desired. Trust Teddie to go mad with power at the slightest opportunity.
Obnoxious bears aside, though, it had been a success. The competitors had seemed to be enjoying themselves. Souji in particular had gotten remarkably invested in his part. They played their roles with an appropriate amount of enthusiasm, everyone had a good laugh, and then the results were announced and it was time to prepare for the next event.
Naoto was the last of the contestants to arrive at the classroom that served as backstage. As expected, most of her opponents were deliberating over how best to present themselves. The exception was Rise, who was frowning at her phone. "Senpai…" she muttered.
"What's wrong?" Naoto asked.
Rise jumped a little at Naoto's sudden appearance at her side. "Geeze, don't sneak up on me like that!" she said. She shook her head. "Anyway, Yosuke-senpai says that Souji-senpai still hasn't come back to the auditorium. At this rate, he's going to miss my show."
"I can go look for him," Naoto said immediately.
"Aw, but then you won't get to compete!"
"Someone should go, and of all of us I'm the least invested in the outcome of this foolishness." Rise still looked unconvinced, so Naoto added, "I also have the most experience locating missing persons. It's only logical for me to look for him now."
"I guess…" Rise seemed to make up her mind, her smile sudden and blinding. "Just do it quickly, okay? I want you both to be here when I go on!"
"I'll do my best," Naoto said. She left the room before Chie or Yukiko could notice her absence. Though really, there was nothing for them to object to, seeing as she was doing these for the good of the team. Her own feelings had nothing to do with it.
She scanned the hallways idly as she walked, but she was fairly certain she knew where Souji would be. She'd had her suspicions about him for weeks now. This was the chance to test her hypothesis.
She stopped outside the first-floor men's room. After ascertaining that no one was around to see her, she stepped inside. Souji's costume was neatly folded on one of the sinks. As expected, she thought. The only sign of the man himself was a single closed stall door. "Senpai?
There was a thump from inside the stall. Then, "Oh, Naoto? Is everyone waiting for me? Sorry, I must have lost track of time. I'll be out in just a minute." He laughed sheepishly. His voice was as measured as ever, and for a moment Naoto doubted all her conclusions.
But no, the evidence was all their, and she was far more inclined to trust her deductions than her ability to read people. And so she asked, "Are you alright?"
"I'd better hurry," Souji said. "The girls' pageant is starting soon, right?"
"Take your time," Naoto said, a little too quickly. "And you didn't answer my question. Is everything okay? Because it seems to me that you're hiding in a bathroom."
"Haha, yeah…" The joviality drained from Souji's voice. "I'm sorry you have to see me like this," he said abruptly. "I'm supposed to be the strong dependable leader, and I can't even handle a simple joke."
Naoto frowned. That still wasn't an answer, though they were getting closer. She worked to keep her own voice casual. "I must say, this is almost a relief. The way everyone speaks of you, it's as if you were some superhuman Shadow-killing machine." Which was admittedly a cool mental image. Highly impractical, though, as a machine wouldn't be able to summon a Persona.
Not that she was thinking about the mechanics of an imaginary robot. She was a reasonable mature human being who was fully aware of the gravity of the situation and would not be distracted by impossible hypotheticals.
Souji laughed again, the sound a bitter echo of his earlier forced mirth. "It's good to hear all that effort isn't totally wasted."
Naoto didn't have a response for that. The two of them sat in silence for several seconds as she searched for one, and several more as she struggled to find a tactful way to ask her next question. She couldn't come up with either. By then it seemed more important to break the silence before Souji could sink back into a gloom, so she asked the question as it was. "Senpai… you weren't born a man, were you?"
"That's an interesting sociological question," Souji said. He sounded more amused by his own response than Naoto felt hearing it. "But in the sense that you mean, no, I was supposed to be a girl."
"I see." The satisfaction of being right once again rose in Naoto's chest.
Souji wasn't done talking, though. "I imagine most of the school's figured it out by now. If not, they'll hear about it soon enough. You know how quickly rumors spread in this town."
Naoto thought about hearing her on Shadow's words in her classmates' mouths. A lump rose in her throat.
More questions ran through her mind, too many and too interlinked for her to articulate. Why had Souji built this façade for himself? Why, once his mask was firmly in place, had he then allowed it to crumble like this? Why had he thrown himself into something that would upset him this much? Why, after all he'd seen inside the TV, was he this upset at the prospect of the truth becoming known? Why had he let the deception last this long?
Naoto didn't understand. The prospect that she might was scarier than confusion, so she refused to understand.
She just needed more information. Once she had that, the world would start making sense again. "Why?" she asked, not sure how much the single word could encompass.
It was enough to get Souji talking, at least, and that was what mattered. "Chie seemed so pleased with herself when she told us about it, so I couldn't tell her it bothered me. I'd only make things weird. So instead I thought I could act like I was enjoying myself, like it didn't bother me at all, and that would make it true."
Naoto nodded, though she knew Souji couldn't see her. She was very aware of the allure of that strategy.
"Speaking of Chie," Souji continued, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention any of this to her. I don't want to make her feel guilty." There was a pause. "And maybe it's selfish of me, but I don't want everyone's image of me to change. Not more than it has to."
"Nothing has to change," Naoto said. She didn't know where the words were coming from, but they felt important to say. "The staff certainly won't care which uniform you wear. And I'm certain that if you explain the situation, most people will continue to address you as they did before."
"Thank you, Naoto-kun." Souji placed just enough emphasis on the honorific to make Naoto uncomfortable. This was hardly the time to worry about her own idiosyncrasies.
She was about to say as much when Souji's phone buzzed, the sound echoing in the empty bathroom. "Ah," Souji said softly. "They're about to announce the winner of the pageant. Yosuke seems disappointed that I missed the show."
"What a shame," Naoto said.
"I suppose that means we should head back." The stall door swung open and Souji stepped out. He looked as composed as ever, but when Naoto looked closely she could see the hints of tears on his cheeks.
Souji seemed to realize the same thing, as he went straight to the sinks to scrub at his face. He gathered his costume as if it didn't bother him in the slightest. His motions were precise as always, and he didn't hesitate until he was about to step back into the hallway. "I'm glad you were the one who found me," he said.
He was gone before Naoto could respond.
The sensible thing to do would have been to follow him out. They could have spent the walk back formulating an explanation for their absence. As it was, returning separately would only make their friends more suspicious. Rise would be disappointed as it was.
None of these facts were enough to stop Naoto from staring into the mirror as if it too would ripple and distort. The reflection was the same as always, the same long lashes and high cheekbones. The eyes were still gray, a small mercy after the events of the previous month. Every feature was exactly as Naoto was accustomed to. And yet somehow, something was different. A single conversation with Souji had caused the world to shift.
It was funny. Normally, Naoto hated being proven wrong, but right now he felt nothing but relief.
He adjusted his hat and walked out of the bathroom. He wasn't looking forward to trying to explain himself, but he could only imagine that Souji would be able to provide assistance. He seemed to have his own situation figured out. And even if he didn't, that was a problem for another day.
All that mattered right now was that he had uncovered another truth. He was one step closer to accepting his whole self. And for the first time in years, he felt secure in who he was.