Title : A Wondrous Place?
Author : Seraphyne
Date : May 03, 2004
Disclaimer : I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters nor the people who play the Harry Potter characters in the movies, though if I did, Hermione would probably never see Ronald Weasley, Harry Potter, or Oliver Wood again. I do not own the story, 'Alice In Wonderland' either, but if Walt Disney, or whoever actually wrote the story had let me collaborate with them, it would probably be rated NC17(With an Alice dressed more like Britney Spears in her 'Hit Me One More Time' video, lots more pot, and a shit load of sexual innuendoes) joking.
Author Note : I decided to write a Wonderful World of Weird actually using a Wonderful World of Disney story for two reasons: One, being the incredibly hilarious story of the 'Rocky Hogwarts Picture Show' (brilliant, and I haven't even seen the movie, but I want to.). Two being that I am currently fixing to graduate from Wallace State Community College in Hanceville, Alabama (May 13, 2004) and my theater class just performed 'Alice In Wonderland.' No I wasn't Alice and I didn't want to be, I wanted the role of the Queen, but I received the mouse part that Colin Creevey plays, not to mention I was the card part that Cho Chang plays. I had an awesome time doing the show and I thought I would convey my feelings and thoughts through this Fanfic. I hope you enjoy it and please review, since I base whether I am any good at writing on the reader's thoughts.
Part One
"Imagine. Without the White Rabbit, yes. We could skip that part. The Mock Turtle, you bet. Cut that scene. But no Alice? Impossible." 'Ronald Weasley, you better not be in the girls dorms. You'll get kicked out of school if you get caught.'
"Why didn't you agree to be Alice?"
'Is that you Professor Sprout?'
"Because."
"Because why?"
'Stop arguing Ron. Go away.'
"Same reason as you. I like my own part." 'Professor Sprout? Why do you want Ron's part?'
"Well it's not 'The Mad Hatter in Wonderland' or 'The Queen of Hearts in Wonderland.' It's 'Alice in Wonderland."
'Ron I'm trying to sleep, shut up!'
"Now, now, now. We've got a little stumbling block, true, but we've been in worse pickles."
'Fred Weasley, I don't want a pickle!'
"Name one."
'George Weasley? Name a pickle? What?'
"Well, let's see."
'See what, Fred?'
"You can't do 'Alice in Wonderland' without an Alice. So let's give up."
'Yes, Goerge, give up and shut up!'
"Perhaps someone's reconsidered. That's a possibility. Let's count off again."
'Count off, Fred?'
"We've counted off and counted off and counted off and we're still in the same pickle."
'I DON'T WANT A PICKLE!'
"Actually were in a theatre."
'Neville Longbottom, everyone. He's the only boy to think that Hogwarts is a theatre.'
"We're in a pickle in a theatre and there isn't going to be a story. Face it."
'Face what George?'
"Now, now. Let's hear it! Count off! I'll start things. One!"
"Two!"
'Three'
"See? We might as well pack up and go home. No Alice, and that's that."
'Go home? Is it the end of term already?'
"No Wonderland?"
'Sirius? Have you seen Harry?'
"Bother."
'Bother what, Professor Lupin?'
"Aren't we missing someone?"
"Of course! Alice! How many times must you be told?"
'Geeze, Fred and Goerge argue a lot.'
"No someone else..."
"Listen!"
'Is this going to be on the test Professor Sprout?'
"Oh, yes, there she is. And you're going to be..."
"Listen. There's a girl. A girl. Just behind this thing. And she's sitting there doing nothing."
'Is she bored or sleeping?'
"Nothing?"
"Well, daydreaming, maybe."
'Ron, shut up!'
"That sounds promising."
"And she's young and pretty and just right for you-know-who."
'Who is it Professor Sprout?'
"But she's not one of us."
'A Muggle?'
"Well, she could be, couldn't she?"
'A Muggle be a Witch?'
"But she won't know what to do."
'No magic.'
"That's never stopped you."
'George is a Muggle?'
"Now, now. Mustn't bicker."
"Come on see for yourself."
'See what Professor Sprout?'
"We could help her you know, along the way. We know what to do. Sort of."
'Oliver Wood? I thought you graduated.'
"She can certainly help us.
"Let's give it a go! Shall we?"
'Shall we?'
"Well I see no reason why we can't at least look at her."
"No reason at all. So let's look."
'Harry Potter there you are.'
"How do we get rid of this thing?"
"Blow it away."
'What a strange dream.' Hermione Granger thought as she opened her eyes and looked around; the last thing she remembered was heading to the library in search of a good book. How did she get here? She was surrounded by trees and shrubs and flowers; which seemed to be a forest. 'So I must be in the Forbidden Forest, but why?' She asked herself. She was sitting on the grass beside a little stream. She realized that she wasn't wearing her school uniform, but a simple blue dress with a white apron, along with white stockings and black dress shoes. 'Odd, I don't remember changing clothes.' She thought as her mouth opened and words tumbled out of their own accord.
"What a lazy day. With nothing to do. Perhaps I should have followed my sister when she left. 'Come along. Back to the house and I'll fix you some tea. Don't you want some tea Alice?'" Hermione yawned as if propelled to do it and thought, 'Alice? I don't have a sister? What going on?' Then her mouth opened again. "Not yet dear sister. I'm going to stay here for a while. By the stream. In the sunshine. I'll have my tea later, thank you." The words paused and Hermione felt as if there were people around her, but she didn't see anyone. 'This is very strange. I can only think what I want to say but cannot say anything? Where is everyone?' Hermione heard a twig snap and looked around and then the words were back. "Oh, I do wish something unusual would happen. Something very unusual." Hermione puzzled over that last statement she was forced to say and then heard very familiar voices, but didn't see anyone.
"Unusual!" That was Ron Weasley! Hermione knew, but where was he?
"And fun..." That's...that's Professor Sprout, but the teachers are involved?
"Can't wait!" Wait for what Ronald Weasley! I'm getting a little ticked off Hermione thought. She was still looking for anyone that she knew.
"Ready?" That was Fred Weasley! Oh if him and George are the source of this trouble...
"Ready." Professor Sprout again!
"The White Rabbit hurries for fear he'll be late..."
"Imagine his fate if he makes the Queen wait!" The voices of her classmates and even a few teachers were surrounding Hermione but still she didn't see anyone.
"Down in the ground where the hole goes so deep..."
"The tumble is liable to put you to sleep." Why are they laughing at me?
"You'll fall at a speed that will make your ears sing,"
"Past orange marmalade in a jar on a shelf,"
"Past mirrors that smile when you smile at yourself." They're laughing again! It's like everyone has an invisible cloak except me!
"Past odd little doors and a window or two,"
"Perhaps you'll encounter a picture of you!"
"Down deeper and deeper and deeper you'll go,"
"Down deep in the rabbit hole, head over toe;"
"You'll fall to a place so unusually gay,"
"It's terribly likely you'll hear yourself say:"
"It's bewitching, beloved, beyootiful and..."
"GRAND!" That was everyone that's playing this mean trick on me!
"So wondrously wonderful, your..."
"WONDERLAND!"
"So becoming, befuddled, beguiling and..."
"GRAND!"
"So wondrously wonderful, your..."
"WONDERLAND!"
"Alice," That was George Weasley!
"Alice,"...and that's Professor Dumbledore!
"ALICE!"
"Now." Oh, now...Fred what's going on. Hermione was getting a little bit frustrated as finally someone she knew emerged from the forest. He was hopping around like a rabbit and Hermione would have laughed out loud if she were able. Draco Malfoy was dressed in white dress pants and a bright red dinner jacket. His face was painted white with a bunny's nose and whiskers. He also had on rabbit ears. The sight was quite funny but Hermione was compelled to stay silent and serene.
"Oh my ears and whiskers, I'll be late!" Draco said pulling out a humongous pocket watch that didn't seem to work at all. Suddenly Hermione was forced to her feet and the words were back.
"Sitting on a wooded bank, one can occasionally expect a white rabbit to scamper by. Curious though, when the white rabbit is wearing a waistcoat, carrying a watch and is able to speak. Late? Late for what?" Draco was indeed scampering around looking for something and Hermione was following him around.
"Now where's the hole? I must find the hole! It will never do to keep the Duchess waiting." Draco said scratching his fake ears. Hermione was trying her best to voice her opinion or maybe just laugh and ridicule Draco but the invisible people were back. Or were they ever really gone?
"That's my part!"
"Sh!"
"Oh, my dear little paws and fur, I can't find the hole! If I'm late getting home, I'll be late for the Duchess, and if I'm late for the Duchess, I'll be late for the Queen's croquet game. And if I'm late for the Queen's croquet game she'll chop off my head!"
What in the world is Draco rambling off about? Duchess? Queen? Suddenly to Hermione's left a black hole formed in midair. There was a sign that hung in the air as well which read 'Rabbit Hole Enter Here.' Hermione wanted to scratch her head in confusion but wasn't able to do anything. Then there was numerous unseen people clearing their throats as if trying to get someone's attention. Draco it seems could hear them as well because he looks directly at the hole.
"Bless my whiskers. Here's the hole!" Draco says and then hops like a rabbit for the hole. He stops a moment and then leaps into the black hole disappearing. Hermione knew that she would probably be propelled to follow him.
"Do you think she'll follow?" That's Neville! Is he talking about me? Then the unbidden words were back.
"I think I'll follow." Hermione heard herself say as she came closer to the black looming hole.
"I think she'll follow." Fred chimed in.
"Odd. I never noticed this rabbit hole before. Very curious. 'Rabbit Hole Enter Here.' Well... I'm not exactly a rabbit, but..." Hermione cursed the forces that were propelling her to say and do things she would never do. She walked into the hole and was surrounded by a void of blackness, but she could now see the faces of her fellow students and teachers. Just their faces; it was quite eerie.
"There she goes!" The face of Professor Dumbledore said. Most of the faces were friendly but they didn't show any recognition that they knew who she was.
"Down deeper and deeper and deeper she'll go." Neville's face said.
"Down deep in the rabbit hole, head over toe." Now that the face of Fred Weasley mentioned it, Hermione did feel as if she was tumbling downwards in circles. She was so overcome with disorientation that she couldn't have stopped the words if she'd tried.
"I must be nearly to the center of the earth." Hermione's girly voice said. She was surprised at how child-like her sixteen-year-old voice sounded.
"She'll fall at a speed that will make her ears sing..." Ah, I had thought that sounded like Hagrid.
"Past curious whatchamacallits and things..." There's George Weasley; well his head anyway.
"I keep falling past the most curious things..." Hermione said and thought that that was an understatement. A Muggle would have screamed their head off by now.
"Past orange marmalade in a jar on a shelf..." Professor Dumbledore's head said while sitting beside a jar of orange stuff on a shelf. Hermione tried to giggle but it just wouldn't come.
"Past mirrors that smile when you smile at yourself." Draco Malfoy's minion Crabbe said as a mirror floated by that had someone's smile plastered on it. When Hermione looked at herself in the mirror; she noted that she had a very big white bow in her hair and that the smile on the mirror made her look goofy.
"A mirror smiled back at me. Nothing curious there, but if I keep falling this way, I shall surely land on the other side of the world where people have to walk on their heads, and that will be extremely curious." Hermione said. What an idiot she would have to be to actually believe that people on the other side of the world walked on their heads.
"Is she nearly there?" Fred's head asked.
"Almost." Ron's head swam into view and it made Hermione a little sick to see his head unattached. What would make Ron do this to her?
"I wonder what Dinah, my cat, would think of all of this. Such a fall, I dare say, would probably cause her hair to stand on end. What's the White Rabbit going to be late for? The Duchess? A croquet game?" Hermione's voice sounded very curious indeed as the whole body of Draco came bounding by.
"The White Rabbit hurries for fear he'll be late. Imagine his fate if he makes the Queen wait!" Hermione shook her head in mirth and tried and tried to laugh at Draco. Suddenly a whole slew of bodiless heads came into view around her.
"She's almost there. THUMP!" They all said as Hermione fell to her knees in a checkered room. The walls and the floor were covered in black and white checkers and there was a single table in the middle of the room. To the left of Hermione was a small door and right in front of her were three steps into the room, but there was no door behind her.
"Didn't hurt at all. When I get home I'm going to fall down the stairs just to show how brave I am" Hermione said.
"Oh?" The bodiless heads were gone again but their voices remained. Hermione walked down the stairs as she said,
"Three stairs to the landing. Well I wonder where I am now. And where's the White Rabbit, I wonder..." Hermione looks around herself and notes that the very small door is the only way in or out of the queer room. The little table is empty and the voices of her classmates are back.
"Wonderland..."
"Wonderland..."
"I wonder where this goes." Hermione said as she got down on her knees in front of the small door. Before her eyes the keyhole in the door became big enough to look through, she saw a fountain in the background with flowers all around it. "A lovely garden... with fountains! But I shall never be able to go through this little doorway. I'm much too big." Hermione says as she stands back up. She faces the lone table and notices that it's not empty anymore.
"Oh, dear, what a pity I can't just shut up like a telescope. Considering what's happened so far today, I don't really think shutting up like a telescope is all that impossible." Hermione says as she notices that indeed the little table isn't empty anymore. There's a bottle of something and a sign. "'Drink Me.' Hmmm. Wonder if I should. I seem to be wondering quite a bit today. I wonder..." The voices were back again.
"Wonderland..."
"Wonderland..."
"I wonder...Well, it isn't marked 'poison' and that's a good sign. It's a sensible rule to avoid anything marked 'poison.' Yes. Hmmm." Hermione picks up the bottle with a red liquid. If this was a potion from Professor Snape's store, it wouldn't matter if the bottle was marked 'poison' or not; you don't drink it!
"Hmmm." Intoned the invisible people.
"Just a little bit." Hermione pops the cork out and drinks a little of what's inside, even though her inner voice is screaming for her not to. "Mmmm. Tastes like a mixture of cherry tarts, plum pudding, and buttered biscuits." Hermione rolls her eyes and puts the cork back in place. She puts the bottle back on the table and walks over to the small door again.
"Mmmm." Intones her ever present audience.
"Very nice. Very nice indeed. Well here goes the telescope again. Mustn't shut up too far or it might be like a candle going out. And I don't want to go out. Then I'd never get through to that lovely garden." Hermione says as she watches the small door become gigantic, if it wasn't for the room remaining the same size she would swear that the door grew instead of her, because the now empty little table shrunk right along with her.
"Gee, it looks as if I'm too small to reach the door handle." Hermione looks around and sees that the empty table now has a new sign with a cake sitting on a little plate. "'Eat Me.' Oh, I do love carrot cake." Hermione says walking over to the little table and picking the cake up. She takes a small bite and places the rest back on the plate. The cake and sign disappear from the table and Hermione walks back to the gigantic door, which seems to be getting smaller now.
"Well, I never! A bit of carrot cake and I'm back to normal size, or maybe bigger." Hermione measures herself against the door and says, "Yes, bigger. Now I shall never get through to the garden. Never, never, never." Hermione, for no good and logical reason, starts crying. "First, I'm as tall as a house, and then I'm as small as a mouse. It's getting curiouser and curiouser. Indeed it is. I must stop crying though, especially since I can't remember why I started. Oh yes! The dear garden with the flowers, and fountains, I shall never see." Hermione continues crying and notices a puddle on the floor where she stands.
"And where's the White Rabbit? How rude of him to vanish. He must have known I was following him. How very rude. Besides, I don't know where I am or where I'm going or how to get there!" Hermione finds that while she can't stop crying she begins to shrink again and the door becomes gigantic again. The small puddle of tears on the floor becomes a pool.
"I'm...I'm...I'm shutting up again! I'm shrinking! And I didn't eat a bite or drink a drop. It must be in my system. I must run. I don't know where or why, but I must run!" Hermione, being compelled to run, runs into the pool of her own tears. What in the world? Where would any of this make since? She thought. "What's this? Why, it's salt water!" Hermione says trying to stay afloat and tasting the water. She then notices that someone else is now in the room and swimming towards her. She strains to see who has finally come to rescue her. It's Colin Creevey with a pair of mouse ears, with his nose painted black and with whiskers. Hermione tries to laugh but yet again finds it impossible.
"Excuse Me." She says to Colin, who stops with a bewildered look in his eyes.
"Why What did you do?" Confused Hermione says,
"I didn't do anything." For once my own thoughts expressed Hermione said to herself as Colin swam past saying,
"In that case I would advise you not to say 'Excuse me'" Hermione turns to Colin and exclaims.
"Please don't swim away." Colin turns exasperated.
"I can't swim in one place." Hermione rolls her eyes and continues with 'the words' as she likes to call them, because they sure aren't her own words.
"Why, you're a mouse!" Colin looks at her as if offended and turns his head away.
"No comment." Hermione looks around and notices that the checkered room as disappeared as well as the table and door. A blue sky was now in place.
"Can you tell me where I am?" Colin looks at Hermione like she's insane.
"You ought to know. They're your tears, not mine."
"My tears? Amazing." Hermione says while thinking, as if I didn't already know that it was I who was crying earlier.
"Big tears, I'd say. You must be quite blubbery."
"Don't mice cry?" Hermione found herself asking, already knowing the answer. Colin Creevey looked at her yet again with a bewildered look.
"Not this much. It would take me a hundred years to cry a pool this size." Hermione rolled her eyes again, as if that was possible.
"I must tell Dinah?" My cat's name is Crookshanks! Not Dinah! Colin looks at Hermione a little curiously.
"Who's Dinah?" Before Hermione could try and stop herself she realized that the next thing she would say would scare the crap out of the supposed mouse.
"Dinah's my dear little cat." Hermione was right Colin got a very frightened look on his face and then screamed bloody-murder. He dived under the water and bounced back up gasping for breath. "Oh, I'm sorry. I don't suppose we should talk about cats." Hermione said sounding a little sorry, but laughing up-roarously in her head. Colin finally caught his breath back and shook his head.
"I wasn't!" He exclaimed. He glared at Hermione as she continued to talk about the cat.
"But Dinah's such a sweet pet. I'm sure you'd take a great fancy to her. She purrs and washes her face with her paws, and she's such a great one for catching...uh...oh..." Hermione trailed off as Colin's face turned stormy with hate.
"SHE'S A SERPENT!!" He screamed, Hermione jumped not expecting that reaction and becoming angry.
"I beg your pardon!" She says a little indignant and Colin glares at her and then acts as if nothing happened.
"Pardon granted." He says a little too cheerily.
"Good. Now how do we get out of here?" Hermione asks.
"Try swimming to shore." Colin says knowingly. Hermione looks around and sees that there are endings to the water on her left and right.
"What'll I find there?" Colin looks at her as if she's daft.
"Depends on which shore you swim to." He giggles as he points first to her right and then to her left.
"Well I'm looking for a white rabbit." Colin looks at Hermione a little interested.
"Why?" He asks simply. Hermione wished that this would end soon, she was beginning to lose the battle to keep afloat.
"I followed him and poof! He vanished." She said thinking, not to mention that it's Draco Malfoy dressed as a rabbit. Where's your camera Colin don't you want a picture of that? Meanwhile Colin looked skeptical.
"A likely story." No doubt, Hermione thought.
"I believe he was on his way to a croquet game." Colin looked a little bit more interested in what Hermione was saying now.
"That so."
"You think I should attend the croquet game, too?" Hermione asked noticing that at last she could feel the bottom of the pool and she didn't have to swim to keep afloat.
"Did she invite you?" Colin asked still swimming around.
"Who?"
"The Queen." Ahh, so there is a Queen somewhere, Hermione thought.
"No, but I have a feeling that's where I'm going." Hermione said as Colin swam a circle around her.
"Better see the Duchess first." So there's a Duchess in this twisted world as well. Should have known that Draco wasn't talking off of his head.
"Where can I find her?" Duh, Colin, new here. Need directions.
"Where she lives of course. But don't tell her I sent you, I don't want MY head chopped off." Colin said a little fearful.
"Neither do I." Hermione said with her hand around her throat protectively.
"Well, that's what she'll do you know." Colin said mater-of- factly.
"Who? The Duchess?"
"No, the Queen. She's uncommonly fond of beheading people." Ahh, that's what Draco meant about his 'fate' is he's late.
"That's very...rude!" Hermione said as Colin swam back around her.
"Try telling her that!"
"One can't go about chopping people's heads off. It just isn't done." Hermione said as Colin swims away from her.
"Just isn't done, just isn't done..." He says as he swims into the distance seeming to disappear. The water acts as if it's swimming along with him.
"Wait! I've several questions I want to ask you. It's impolite to swim away when I haven't finished..."
"Mary Ann! What are you doing in the tub with your clothes on?" Hermione turns around and notices that all the water is gone except a little bit which is in a bathtub, she's standing in the bathtub. Draco Malfoy has reentered as the white rabbit and calling her Mary Ann. Hermione steps out of the bathtub still completely soaked.
"Mary Ann?!" Hermione asks confused.
"Don't call me 'Mary Ann.' I'm not Mary Ann. You're Mary Ann." Draco says confused as well. Hermione just wanted to laugh, or take a picture.
"But..."
"No, 'buts' about it. Run home this instant and fetch my white gloves and a fan." Draco says cutting Hermione off.
"Look, I'm rather wet..." Draco looks at Hermione's clothes and shakes his head.
"If you run fast enough the wind will dry you off! Quickly! I'm late! I'll need my white gloves for the croquet game...it's one of her new rules... and a fan for the tea party, if she's in the mood. Hurry!" Draco rambles on as he hops past a bewildered Hermione. He quickly disappears behind a gigantic mushroom.
"Which way?" Draco reappears on top of the mushroom.
"Which way? Which way indeed! No idle questions! Off with you!" Draco pulls out the big pocket watch and looks at the hands. "Oh, my wrinkly nose and pointed ears! Look at the time." Draco shoves the watch in Hermione's face and she sees that the minutes and hours hands just keep running around and around, not keeping time at all. Draco puts the watch back into his coat pocket and turns to leave.
"I'll meet you promptly." Draco disappears off of the mushroom again. "On the dot!" Hermione runs around to the other side of the mushroom and finds that there's no one there.
"I'm not Mary Ann. I'm Alice, I think." NO! I'm Hermione. "And I haven't the faintest idea where home is, his home or mine. Perhaps if I run far enough, I'll find one of them, though it wouldn't surprise me very much if I didn't." Hermione pauses and takes in her surroundings. It's another forest though this one's a little weirder, instead of trees there are huge mushrooms. "It's like a game without any rules." Hermione said walking around one of the biggest mushrooms. There was a clearing here and on top of one of the smaller mushrooms was caterpillar looking thing. Hermione got closer and found that it was actually Mr. Filch with a caterpillar suit on and he was smoking a pipe that ran to a bong. Filch was smoking marijuana!
"Well, hello!" Hermione said brightly. Filch looked at her and then looked in the other direction.
"Hmmm."
"I said hello." Hermione says a little louder. Filch turns back to her and blows a cloud of smoke in her face, Hermione coughs.
"Yes, I know." Filch says slowly pronouncing every syllable like it was a different language. He's stoned, Hermione thought.
"You know it is rude not to say 'Hello' in return." She informed him, which he could care less.
"Whoooo are you?" Filch asked again dragging it out very slowly. Hermione rolled her eyes, he knows who I am!
"Excuse me?"
"Who are you?" He asked again. Hermione shrugs.
"I hardly know sir. I've changed so many times since this morning, but I do believe I'm Alice." HERMIONE!!! I'm Hermione!
"Whoooo?" Filch asks confused. Hermione rolls her eyes.
"Alice!"
"You look like Mary Ann. Are you sure you are not Mary Ann?" Filch asks very slowly, by the time he was finished with the question Hermione was ready to take a nap.
"Yes, I am." She answered. Filch looked at her skeptically.
"Well, you did say that you hardly knew. So, you could be Mary Ann." Hermione shook her head.
"I am quite sure that I am Alice not Mary Ann." She said adamantly. Filch shrugged his shoulders and took another puff from the pipe.
"If you insist." He said nonchalantly.
"I do." Hermione said.
"Very well, so Mary Ann how may I help you?" Hermione almost screamed with impatience.
"Alice!" Filch looked insulted.
"I'm not Alice!"
"No, I'm Alice...oh never mind." Hermione said exasperated.
"Very well." Filch says and turns away from her.
"Please sir, I do need your help, you see..."
"I do not see. Exactly what is your problem?" Filch says angrily as he turns back to Hermione.
"The White Rabbit has sent me to find his gloves and fan, but I do not know where to find his house and really I had rather find my house." Hermione says a little bored with the force of 'the words.' Why can't I say and do what I want to?
"Do you think you will find his gloves and fan there?" Filch asks helpfully.
"No, I just want to go home. This is such a curious place. Will you help me please." How true most of that was; Hermione thought, as Filch became quiet for a moment.
"If you go in one direction," Filch said pointing to the left. "You will find his house and is you go in another direction," Filch said pointing to the right but then swinging his arm back to the left. "You will not find his house. So now run in place to that direction." Filch said pointing to the left. Hermione turned to the left to see what is there and notices that the mushroom forest is gone. She turns back around to Filch and he has disappeared as well.
"Everything's so curious and getting curiouser all the time." Hermione says as she turns back to the left and notices that she's in a long hallway. The walls are white with beige columns running along them. In the center of the hall is Cho Chang dressed in the weirdest outfit yet, the pants which resemble a fish's tail is green with gold scales and the top is like a golden halter-top. She looks like a mermaid but along her arms are fins that shine with gold paint. Her hair is braided with strings of gold and her face is painted gold. 'She must be a fish.' Hermione concluded. Hermione shrugs her shoulders and walks up to her.
"You see this handsomely engraved invitation, I suppose?" Cho said with an air of importance. Cho holds the invitation towards Hermione like it's for her. Hermione knowing that she's going to play along anyway said,
"Yes, I do." Hermione goes to take the invitation, but Cho snatches it away and looks at Hermione in disgust.
"Well, it's not for you. So stop your whining." Hermione opens her mouth in astonishment, I thought Cho was my friend.
"I beg your pardon." Hermione says offended. Cho smiles sweetly.
"That will do no good what-so-ever. I'm not in a position to grant pardons." Hermione's a little confused, but still offended.
"The very idea." Cho shakes her head in agreement.
"That's it! The very idea! You seem rather bright but your hair wants cutting." Hermione reaches up to her hair and wonders if that's really true. Should she get a hair cut?
"Personal comments are not in very good taste." Hermione said with Cho still shaking her head in agreement.
"And good taste is just what we'll have when the tarts are ready." Cho says rubbing her stomach in mock hunger. Hermione a bit confused says,
"What tarts?" Cho looks at Hermione as if she's retarded and walks around her.
"I know you know the invitation is for the Duchess to attend the croquet game and have a tart with the Queen afterwards." Hermione shakes her head no.
"It is?" Cho sighs and takes a deep breath.
"The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, all on a summer's day! And so forth." Cho recites very fast. Hermione smiles with understanding.
"Yes, I've heard that before." Cho slaps her hand to her face in exasperation.
"Of course you have... I just said it! If you'd cut your hair you'd hear better. That's only common sense." Cho says a little loudly.
"Has anyone stolen the tarts?" Hermione asks wondering were Cho put the invitation she had had earlier.
"Not yet. We've got to run. Quickly!" Cho yells as she starts jogging in place. Hermione looks at her like she's a retard and then asks,
"Why?"
"To stay in the same place!" Hermione feeling propelled to do as Cho did shrugged her shoulders and started jogging in place with her. Although Hermione knew that they weren't actually going anywhere the hallway started moving.
"I don't want to stay in the same place, if you don't mind." They didn't stop jogging and the hallway started moving faster and faster.
"But, I do mind! Faster!" Cho yelled as suddenly the hallway stopped moving. The place that Hermione was looking looked exactly like the place where they were a minute ago. Still they jogged.
"We don't seem to be getting anywhere."
"Faster! Faster!" Cho yelled louder. Hermione shrugged again and continued to jog, the odd thing was that she didn't feel the least bit tired.
"I do wish we could have a little rest." Hermione heard herself say as Cho stopped running. Somehow Hermione had gotten behind her and so she quickly ran to catch up.
"STOP!" Cho screamed as Hermione pulled up beside her. Hermione looked around and sure enough nothing had changed, they hadn't moved at all.
"We don't seem to have moved at all. We're in exactly the same place." Cho smiled at her and nodded.
"Would you have it otherwise?" Hermione was now beyond confused.
"Well, in my country, when we run fast we generally get somewhere." Hermione said indignantly. Cho shrugged and pointed behind Hermione.
"Time for knocks on the door."
"What door?" Hermione said as she turned around. There was the same door from earlier only this time it was the right height.
"There." Cho says as she walks up to the door and knocks three times. Each time Cho knocked, Hermione thought she heard someone say, 'knock.'
"Hark ye! Hark ye! Open ye! An invitation from the Queen." Cho steps away from the door as it swings open. Inky blackness was all Hermione could see through the doorway and then Oliver Wood walked through the door in a frog outfit. He wore green tights with frog-feet shoes and a bright green waistcoat with tuxedo tails, his hands were painted green and webbed and his whole head was painted green as well. Hermione would have burst out with giggles had she been allowed. To find one of the cutest graduates from Hogwarts decked out in a frog costume was hilarious.
"The Frog Footman, servant to the Duchess, at your service." Wood said bowing to Cho. When he stood back up the door slammed shut of it's own accord.
"The Queen invites the Duchess to a game of croquet and dearly hopes she can make it or else." Cho says happily to Wood.
"I see." Wood says and then sneezes loudly. Hermione, startled, almost runs into the back of Cho.
"Bless you." Hermione says. Wood looks at her quizzically and then looks to Cho for an explanation.
"Pay no attention to her, she's waiting for a haircut." Wood looks back at Hermione confused.
"It's not her turn." Cho shakes her head knowingly.
"I know it, but she kept screaming at me." Hermione smiles to herself but the stern looks that Cho and Wood gave her made her sober.
"The Duchess is not fond of people who scream. She's highly sensitive to screaming." Wood informed Hermione, who was a little taken- aback. She was not screaming, Cho was.
"I didn't scream and I'm not waiting for a haircut." Hermione almost yelled, really this was all nonsense.
"Why do you need a haircut?" Wood asked picking up a piece of Hermione's hair.
"I don't need a haircut." She said as Wood dropped her hair and turning to Cho.
"See? She makes no sense at all." Cho said shaking her head sadly. Wood shook his head in agreement.
"None what-so-ever." Hermione looked at them questioningly.
"I think you're trying to confuse me." Wood shook his head no.
"The Duchess is very sensitive to confusion." Wood looks back to Cho and Cho hands him the invitation that she didn't have a minute ago. "I'll give her the invitation and pray I don't get hit with a pot." Wood said turning back to the door.
"The Duchess might throw a pot at you?" Hermione asked indeed confused. Wood turns back around and looks at Hermione exasperated.
"Of course not. But the cook will." Wood says as he motions for Cho to get out of the way. Cho moves and Wood runs two circles around her then runs through the door into blackness.
"A strange household I'd say." Hermione comments truthfully. Cho starts jogging again, but Hermione refuses to.
"Please don't expect me to stay, she'll need cherries for the tarts." Cho starts jogging backwards down the hallway.
"If you run that way, you can't see where you are going!" Hermione yells after her. Cho smiles and waves.
"I know. Makes for surprises." Cho says then disappears. Hermione shrugs and turns back to the door.
"Perhaps this is where I'm supposed to meet the White Rabbit on the dot." Hermione says.
"She's doing just fine, isn't she? And having fun too." Hermione whirls around to see who's there, but it's only Fred's voice.
"Wait'll she meets the Duchess." Cho's voice came ringing back. Hermione turned around again.
"And her cook." Fred says. Hermione shrugs and goes back to the door and knocks.
"May I come in?" The door opens by itself and Hermione is sucked into the inky blackness. She opens her eyes and sees that she's in a cottage like house, but the only thing in the house is a stove. She turns around to where the door should be but in its place is Professor Sprout holding a baby. She's wearing a very nice dress with high-heels and stockings. She had her hair up and a tiara is perched on top. Professor Sprout is dressed like the Queen of England. Hermione turns back around to the stove and there's Dumbledore, dressed in a cook's smock and with a cook's hat perched atop his head, banging around pots and pans.
"Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes; He only does it to annoy, Because he knows it teases." Professor Sprout sang as Dumbledore made more noise with the pots and pans.
"Wow, wow, wow!" Dumbledore suddenly shouted from the stove. Professor Sprout turns to where Dumbledore is and sneezes.
"I know a million verses to that song and I hate 'em all." Professor Sprout says and then sneezes again. Hermione trying her hardest to laugh steps out of the way of Dumbledore.
"Bless you." Hermione says and then looks at Dumbledore. He stops stirring in one of the pots and looks at Hermione. She smiles as Dumbledore picks up another pot and places it over his head. He then beats that pot with another and promptly knocks himself out. Hermione is laughing inside while 'the words' take over outside. "Well, I never."
"Living backwards, that's what does it." Professor Sprout says as the baby she's holding starts crying violently. "What's the matter with you? Want a good bouncing?" Professor Sprout then starts bouncing the baby with no regard that it's a baby. Hermione is more than a little frightened for the baby. "There! That ought to do it! PIG!" Professor Sprout yells.
"I don't like to interfere..." Hermione starts but Professor Sprout just ignores her.
"Piggy pig, pig! Dance me a jig! Pour on molasses, And call it a wig!" Professor Sprout sings and then sneezes again.
"Bless you." Hermione says and then sneezes herself. "Bless me." Professor Sprout turns to Hermione and sneezes.
"What an awful conversationalist you are, and that's a fact. Try the soup." Dumbledore runs to Hermione with a pot of something and then offers her the spoon to taste.
"The soup? Oh, all right." Hermione says and then Dumbledore sneezes. "Bless you." Hermione says and Professor Sprout snorts with disdainment. "Blessing people after they sneeze is a form of good manners." Hermione says and then tastes the soup proffered.
"Do tell." Professor Sprout, Dumbledore, and Professor McGonagall say. Hermione looks at Professor McGonagall funny and then says,
"There may be too much pepper in the soup." Dumbledore snatches the pot and the spoon away and then shrieks as if offended. He runs around Professor Sprout and into the stove knocking all the pots and pans off then he disappears. Hermione looks back at Professor McGonagall. It's as if Professor McGonagall had changed into her cat form but remained as big as a human, plus she could talk. She was sitting in a chair beside the stove oblivious to Dumbledore's banging around. "Gracious! What an unusual pussycat. Are you smiling, Kitty?" Professor McGonagall starts laughing hysterically.
"It's not a smile, it's more of a grin. PIG!" Professor Sprout says. Hermione huffs as if insulted.
"Pig? Please, are you addressing the cat or the baby or me?" Hermione asks as Professor Sprout tosses the baby up in the air and catches it.
"Pig! Pig! Piggy! Pig! Pig!" She chants as she repeatedly tosses the baby. Hermione turns back to Professor McGonagall, who's grinning from ear to ear.
"Oh. Please don't think me forward, but is there a reason for the cat to grin like that?" Hermione asks.
"Certainly. She's a Cheshire Cat and that's why." Professor Sprout says mater-of-factly.
"Really?" Hermione says questioningly. Professor Sprout turns around to her and smiles.
"I said it, so it's so." She declared, Hermione was bum-fuddled.
"Dinah doesn't grin." Crookshanks! And no, he doesn't grin, not like that. Professor Sprout was now rocking the baby back and forth, while Professor McGonagall just kept on grinning.
"That's her problem." Professor Sprout said.
"But Dinah's a cat, too, my cat, my dear little kittypuss." Hermione says, disgusted with herself for saying such a stupid pet-name. A loud clash of pots and pans came from somewhere, but Dumbledore was no where in sight. "And frankly, I'm wondering how I can get back home and see her right now."
"Stop wondering. If you were living backwards like me, you'd be home last Wednesday." Professor Sprout shouted as she took to tossing the baby again.
"But I'm not living backwards. I'm living forwards." Hermione informed everyone who was willing to listen. Professor Sprout shook her head sadly.
"The mess people make of their lives. But there's no time for tea."
"I didn't ask for tea." Hermione said as Professor Sprout started looking around for something.
"I expect I'll need white gloves and a fan." Professor Sprout said off-handedly. Hermione brightened up.
"Oh, yes, that's right. I wonder, your Highness, if you could tell me how to get to the Queen's croquet game?" Hermione says as Professor Sprout acts as if she's burping the baby.
"Certainly. I could tell you. But then I could choose not to tell you. You see my position?" Hermione stared at Professor Sprout as if she had lost her mind. Suddenly the noise at the stove was too much, Dumbledore was back and making as much noise as possible. Hermione tried to ignore the noise though as she turned back to Professor Sprout.
"Do you think the Queen will object to my company?" Hermione asked.
"Nothing to fret about even if she does. She'll only behead you." Professor Sprout says off-handedly. Hermione walks back over to her and wonders,
"Only?!"
"Tell you what. We'll make a game of it! After the Queen has you beheaded, I'll box her ears. There, now, won't that be fun?" Professor Sprout laughs as Hermione puts her hand to her throat.
"No."
"There are two things I can't abide, and the other one is rudeness." Professor Sprout says menacingly to Hermione, while in the back at the stove Dumbledore is still banging around pots and pans.
"Forgive me, I don't wish to seem rude, nor do I wish to be beheaded." Hermione says as Professor Sprout looks behind her. Professor Sprout then takes up the hem of her gown while holding the baby in her other hand.
"Run! We've got to run! Quickly! Run!" Professor Sprout shouts. Dumbledore grabs two handy pots and runs up beside Hermione and then they start jogging in place. Hermione shrugs and jogs along with them. "Faster! Faster! No talking or singing or arithmetic! Run!" Professor Sprout shouted as everyone continued to jog in place.
"I don't believe we got anywhere." Hermione said actually a little winded this time. Professor Sprout looked at her funny and then everyone stopped jogging.
"Of course not!"
"We're in exactly the same place." Hermione said confused.
"Thank heavens!" Professor Sprout shouted. Hermione looked around and saw that the stove and Professor McGonagall was still there.
"But so is the cat and she didn't run. She didn't even get up." Professor Sprout laughs then sneezes and tosses Hermione the baby. Hermione catches the baby and rocks it gently.
"Here! I must ready myself for the Queen's croquet game!" Professor Sprout runs off towards the stove and as she runs by Dumbledore tries to hit her with his pot. He misses and Professor Sprout disappears, Dumbledore throws the pot after her then grabs another and runs in the same direction promptly disappearing. Hermione looks at Professor McGonagall and watches as she slowly disappears, the last thing visible being her smile and then that disappears as well.
"Well, I never! They might have said 'good-bye.'" Hermione said as she watched Professor McGonagall reappears. Professor Sprout and Dumbledore reappear running around Hermione.
"Good-bye!" Professor Sprout shouts and then disappears.
"Good-bye!" Dumbledore shouts and then disappears as well. Hermione shakes her head and continues to rock the baby.
"Whatever am I to do with this dear little baby?" Hermione says as the baby starts crying. Hermione pulls back the baby blanket and sees a cute little baby boy with green eyes and blonde wisps of hair. "There, there. I certainly shan't treat you as roughly as the Duchess did." The baby cries even harder and then gradually the cries turns to squeals. "Now, now. Rock-a-bye-baby...what a strange looking child." The baby's face gradually changes as Hermione continues. "I do believe he somewhat resembles a..." The baby is now oinking very loudly. "...PIG!" Hermione screams and then tosses the wriggling pig into the air where it promptly disappears.
"There you are! Don't bother to explain, there isn't time! Just make certain you fetch my white gloves and fan and meet me on the dot. And remember, Mary Ann, there is absolutely no time for a haircut!" Draco startles Hermione as he hops by in front of her and on past her then disappears again. Hermione feels a little bewildered as she turns back to Professor McGonagall, all signs of the house are gone she notes.
"I think I need a little help." Hermione says to Professor McGonagall.
"Tell me what happened to the baby?" Professor McGonagall asks.
"It turned into a pig." Hermione said mater-of-factly.
"I thought it would. Are you having a good time?" Hermione smiled.
"I'm a little confused. Between smiling and frowning sort of." Professor McGonagall nodded her head.
"What's a dog do when he's happy?"
"Wags his tail." Hermione said knowingly.
"And when he's angry?"
"He growls."
"Now you take me. I wag my tail when I'm angry and growl when I'm happy." Hermione smiled.
"I call that purring." Professor McGonagall shook her head in annoyance.
"Call it what you like. It's all part of the nice madness."
"I am having a good time. It's all so...unusual." Professor McGonagall arched her eyebrow at Hermione.
"That's what you wanted, you know – something unusual to happen." Hermione thought back to earlier.
"Yes, I did. You heard that?" Professor McGonagall nodded her head.
"Are you going to play croquet with the Queen?" Professor McGonagall asked. Hermione thought about it.
"I think so."
"Good. I'll see you there. Or perhaps you'll see me there. You never know."
"It's all one and the same. That's the rule." Hermione said.
"You're catching on." Professor McGonagall said smiling and nodding her head.
"I'm trying." Hermione screamed inside at the sheer absurdness of this whole day.
"By the way, did you say that the baby changed into a fig?" Hermione smiled and shook her head no.
"No, I said 'pig.'"
"I knew it was one or the other." Professor McGonagall stood up and the chair disappeared. "In that direction lives a Hatter," Professor McGonagall pointed left through a thicket of trees. "And in that direction lives a March Hare." She then pointed right past a white picketed fence. "Maybe one of them can help you. They're both mad, you know." Professor McGonagall smiles prettily and then vanishes. Hermione shrugs and decides to go right.
"Well, I expect the only thing to do now is...run! Faster and faster!" Hermione shouts as she starts to run in place. Slowly the picketed fence goes by and she becomes tired. "Oh dear! I'm so tired, I've just got to sit down for a while." Hermione stops running and a chair appears in the middle of the clearing.
"About how long do you suppose to rest?" The voice of Fred Weasley asks. Hermione closes her eyes and sits down in the chair.
"Oh, about ten minutes, or so..."
To Be Continued...
Author : Seraphyne
Date : May 03, 2004
Disclaimer : I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters nor the people who play the Harry Potter characters in the movies, though if I did, Hermione would probably never see Ronald Weasley, Harry Potter, or Oliver Wood again. I do not own the story, 'Alice In Wonderland' either, but if Walt Disney, or whoever actually wrote the story had let me collaborate with them, it would probably be rated NC17(With an Alice dressed more like Britney Spears in her 'Hit Me One More Time' video, lots more pot, and a shit load of sexual innuendoes) joking.
Author Note : I decided to write a Wonderful World of Weird actually using a Wonderful World of Disney story for two reasons: One, being the incredibly hilarious story of the 'Rocky Hogwarts Picture Show' (brilliant, and I haven't even seen the movie, but I want to.). Two being that I am currently fixing to graduate from Wallace State Community College in Hanceville, Alabama (May 13, 2004) and my theater class just performed 'Alice In Wonderland.' No I wasn't Alice and I didn't want to be, I wanted the role of the Queen, but I received the mouse part that Colin Creevey plays, not to mention I was the card part that Cho Chang plays. I had an awesome time doing the show and I thought I would convey my feelings and thoughts through this Fanfic. I hope you enjoy it and please review, since I base whether I am any good at writing on the reader's thoughts.
Part One
"Imagine. Without the White Rabbit, yes. We could skip that part. The Mock Turtle, you bet. Cut that scene. But no Alice? Impossible." 'Ronald Weasley, you better not be in the girls dorms. You'll get kicked out of school if you get caught.'
"Why didn't you agree to be Alice?"
'Is that you Professor Sprout?'
"Because."
"Because why?"
'Stop arguing Ron. Go away.'
"Same reason as you. I like my own part." 'Professor Sprout? Why do you want Ron's part?'
"Well it's not 'The Mad Hatter in Wonderland' or 'The Queen of Hearts in Wonderland.' It's 'Alice in Wonderland."
'Ron I'm trying to sleep, shut up!'
"Now, now, now. We've got a little stumbling block, true, but we've been in worse pickles."
'Fred Weasley, I don't want a pickle!'
"Name one."
'George Weasley? Name a pickle? What?'
"Well, let's see."
'See what, Fred?'
"You can't do 'Alice in Wonderland' without an Alice. So let's give up."
'Yes, Goerge, give up and shut up!'
"Perhaps someone's reconsidered. That's a possibility. Let's count off again."
'Count off, Fred?'
"We've counted off and counted off and counted off and we're still in the same pickle."
'I DON'T WANT A PICKLE!'
"Actually were in a theatre."
'Neville Longbottom, everyone. He's the only boy to think that Hogwarts is a theatre.'
"We're in a pickle in a theatre and there isn't going to be a story. Face it."
'Face what George?'
"Now, now. Let's hear it! Count off! I'll start things. One!"
"Two!"
'Three'
"See? We might as well pack up and go home. No Alice, and that's that."
'Go home? Is it the end of term already?'
"No Wonderland?"
'Sirius? Have you seen Harry?'
"Bother."
'Bother what, Professor Lupin?'
"Aren't we missing someone?"
"Of course! Alice! How many times must you be told?"
'Geeze, Fred and Goerge argue a lot.'
"No someone else..."
"Listen!"
'Is this going to be on the test Professor Sprout?'
"Oh, yes, there she is. And you're going to be..."
"Listen. There's a girl. A girl. Just behind this thing. And she's sitting there doing nothing."
'Is she bored or sleeping?'
"Nothing?"
"Well, daydreaming, maybe."
'Ron, shut up!'
"That sounds promising."
"And she's young and pretty and just right for you-know-who."
'Who is it Professor Sprout?'
"But she's not one of us."
'A Muggle?'
"Well, she could be, couldn't she?"
'A Muggle be a Witch?'
"But she won't know what to do."
'No magic.'
"That's never stopped you."
'George is a Muggle?'
"Now, now. Mustn't bicker."
"Come on see for yourself."
'See what Professor Sprout?'
"We could help her you know, along the way. We know what to do. Sort of."
'Oliver Wood? I thought you graduated.'
"She can certainly help us.
"Let's give it a go! Shall we?"
'Shall we?'
"Well I see no reason why we can't at least look at her."
"No reason at all. So let's look."
'Harry Potter there you are.'
"How do we get rid of this thing?"
"Blow it away."
'What a strange dream.' Hermione Granger thought as she opened her eyes and looked around; the last thing she remembered was heading to the library in search of a good book. How did she get here? She was surrounded by trees and shrubs and flowers; which seemed to be a forest. 'So I must be in the Forbidden Forest, but why?' She asked herself. She was sitting on the grass beside a little stream. She realized that she wasn't wearing her school uniform, but a simple blue dress with a white apron, along with white stockings and black dress shoes. 'Odd, I don't remember changing clothes.' She thought as her mouth opened and words tumbled out of their own accord.
"What a lazy day. With nothing to do. Perhaps I should have followed my sister when she left. 'Come along. Back to the house and I'll fix you some tea. Don't you want some tea Alice?'" Hermione yawned as if propelled to do it and thought, 'Alice? I don't have a sister? What going on?' Then her mouth opened again. "Not yet dear sister. I'm going to stay here for a while. By the stream. In the sunshine. I'll have my tea later, thank you." The words paused and Hermione felt as if there were people around her, but she didn't see anyone. 'This is very strange. I can only think what I want to say but cannot say anything? Where is everyone?' Hermione heard a twig snap and looked around and then the words were back. "Oh, I do wish something unusual would happen. Something very unusual." Hermione puzzled over that last statement she was forced to say and then heard very familiar voices, but didn't see anyone.
"Unusual!" That was Ron Weasley! Hermione knew, but where was he?
"And fun..." That's...that's Professor Sprout, but the teachers are involved?
"Can't wait!" Wait for what Ronald Weasley! I'm getting a little ticked off Hermione thought. She was still looking for anyone that she knew.
"Ready?" That was Fred Weasley! Oh if him and George are the source of this trouble...
"Ready." Professor Sprout again!
"The White Rabbit hurries for fear he'll be late..."
"Imagine his fate if he makes the Queen wait!" The voices of her classmates and even a few teachers were surrounding Hermione but still she didn't see anyone.
"Down in the ground where the hole goes so deep..."
"The tumble is liable to put you to sleep." Why are they laughing at me?
"You'll fall at a speed that will make your ears sing,"
"Past orange marmalade in a jar on a shelf,"
"Past mirrors that smile when you smile at yourself." They're laughing again! It's like everyone has an invisible cloak except me!
"Past odd little doors and a window or two,"
"Perhaps you'll encounter a picture of you!"
"Down deeper and deeper and deeper you'll go,"
"Down deep in the rabbit hole, head over toe;"
"You'll fall to a place so unusually gay,"
"It's terribly likely you'll hear yourself say:"
"It's bewitching, beloved, beyootiful and..."
"GRAND!" That was everyone that's playing this mean trick on me!
"So wondrously wonderful, your..."
"WONDERLAND!"
"So becoming, befuddled, beguiling and..."
"GRAND!"
"So wondrously wonderful, your..."
"WONDERLAND!"
"Alice," That was George Weasley!
"Alice,"...and that's Professor Dumbledore!
"ALICE!"
"Now." Oh, now...Fred what's going on. Hermione was getting a little bit frustrated as finally someone she knew emerged from the forest. He was hopping around like a rabbit and Hermione would have laughed out loud if she were able. Draco Malfoy was dressed in white dress pants and a bright red dinner jacket. His face was painted white with a bunny's nose and whiskers. He also had on rabbit ears. The sight was quite funny but Hermione was compelled to stay silent and serene.
"Oh my ears and whiskers, I'll be late!" Draco said pulling out a humongous pocket watch that didn't seem to work at all. Suddenly Hermione was forced to her feet and the words were back.
"Sitting on a wooded bank, one can occasionally expect a white rabbit to scamper by. Curious though, when the white rabbit is wearing a waistcoat, carrying a watch and is able to speak. Late? Late for what?" Draco was indeed scampering around looking for something and Hermione was following him around.
"Now where's the hole? I must find the hole! It will never do to keep the Duchess waiting." Draco said scratching his fake ears. Hermione was trying her best to voice her opinion or maybe just laugh and ridicule Draco but the invisible people were back. Or were they ever really gone?
"That's my part!"
"Sh!"
"Oh, my dear little paws and fur, I can't find the hole! If I'm late getting home, I'll be late for the Duchess, and if I'm late for the Duchess, I'll be late for the Queen's croquet game. And if I'm late for the Queen's croquet game she'll chop off my head!"
What in the world is Draco rambling off about? Duchess? Queen? Suddenly to Hermione's left a black hole formed in midair. There was a sign that hung in the air as well which read 'Rabbit Hole Enter Here.' Hermione wanted to scratch her head in confusion but wasn't able to do anything. Then there was numerous unseen people clearing their throats as if trying to get someone's attention. Draco it seems could hear them as well because he looks directly at the hole.
"Bless my whiskers. Here's the hole!" Draco says and then hops like a rabbit for the hole. He stops a moment and then leaps into the black hole disappearing. Hermione knew that she would probably be propelled to follow him.
"Do you think she'll follow?" That's Neville! Is he talking about me? Then the unbidden words were back.
"I think I'll follow." Hermione heard herself say as she came closer to the black looming hole.
"I think she'll follow." Fred chimed in.
"Odd. I never noticed this rabbit hole before. Very curious. 'Rabbit Hole Enter Here.' Well... I'm not exactly a rabbit, but..." Hermione cursed the forces that were propelling her to say and do things she would never do. She walked into the hole and was surrounded by a void of blackness, but she could now see the faces of her fellow students and teachers. Just their faces; it was quite eerie.
"There she goes!" The face of Professor Dumbledore said. Most of the faces were friendly but they didn't show any recognition that they knew who she was.
"Down deeper and deeper and deeper she'll go." Neville's face said.
"Down deep in the rabbit hole, head over toe." Now that the face of Fred Weasley mentioned it, Hermione did feel as if she was tumbling downwards in circles. She was so overcome with disorientation that she couldn't have stopped the words if she'd tried.
"I must be nearly to the center of the earth." Hermione's girly voice said. She was surprised at how child-like her sixteen-year-old voice sounded.
"She'll fall at a speed that will make her ears sing..." Ah, I had thought that sounded like Hagrid.
"Past curious whatchamacallits and things..." There's George Weasley; well his head anyway.
"I keep falling past the most curious things..." Hermione said and thought that that was an understatement. A Muggle would have screamed their head off by now.
"Past orange marmalade in a jar on a shelf..." Professor Dumbledore's head said while sitting beside a jar of orange stuff on a shelf. Hermione tried to giggle but it just wouldn't come.
"Past mirrors that smile when you smile at yourself." Draco Malfoy's minion Crabbe said as a mirror floated by that had someone's smile plastered on it. When Hermione looked at herself in the mirror; she noted that she had a very big white bow in her hair and that the smile on the mirror made her look goofy.
"A mirror smiled back at me. Nothing curious there, but if I keep falling this way, I shall surely land on the other side of the world where people have to walk on their heads, and that will be extremely curious." Hermione said. What an idiot she would have to be to actually believe that people on the other side of the world walked on their heads.
"Is she nearly there?" Fred's head asked.
"Almost." Ron's head swam into view and it made Hermione a little sick to see his head unattached. What would make Ron do this to her?
"I wonder what Dinah, my cat, would think of all of this. Such a fall, I dare say, would probably cause her hair to stand on end. What's the White Rabbit going to be late for? The Duchess? A croquet game?" Hermione's voice sounded very curious indeed as the whole body of Draco came bounding by.
"The White Rabbit hurries for fear he'll be late. Imagine his fate if he makes the Queen wait!" Hermione shook her head in mirth and tried and tried to laugh at Draco. Suddenly a whole slew of bodiless heads came into view around her.
"She's almost there. THUMP!" They all said as Hermione fell to her knees in a checkered room. The walls and the floor were covered in black and white checkers and there was a single table in the middle of the room. To the left of Hermione was a small door and right in front of her were three steps into the room, but there was no door behind her.
"Didn't hurt at all. When I get home I'm going to fall down the stairs just to show how brave I am" Hermione said.
"Oh?" The bodiless heads were gone again but their voices remained. Hermione walked down the stairs as she said,
"Three stairs to the landing. Well I wonder where I am now. And where's the White Rabbit, I wonder..." Hermione looks around herself and notes that the very small door is the only way in or out of the queer room. The little table is empty and the voices of her classmates are back.
"Wonderland..."
"Wonderland..."
"I wonder where this goes." Hermione said as she got down on her knees in front of the small door. Before her eyes the keyhole in the door became big enough to look through, she saw a fountain in the background with flowers all around it. "A lovely garden... with fountains! But I shall never be able to go through this little doorway. I'm much too big." Hermione says as she stands back up. She faces the lone table and notices that it's not empty anymore.
"Oh, dear, what a pity I can't just shut up like a telescope. Considering what's happened so far today, I don't really think shutting up like a telescope is all that impossible." Hermione says as she notices that indeed the little table isn't empty anymore. There's a bottle of something and a sign. "'Drink Me.' Hmmm. Wonder if I should. I seem to be wondering quite a bit today. I wonder..." The voices were back again.
"Wonderland..."
"Wonderland..."
"I wonder...Well, it isn't marked 'poison' and that's a good sign. It's a sensible rule to avoid anything marked 'poison.' Yes. Hmmm." Hermione picks up the bottle with a red liquid. If this was a potion from Professor Snape's store, it wouldn't matter if the bottle was marked 'poison' or not; you don't drink it!
"Hmmm." Intoned the invisible people.
"Just a little bit." Hermione pops the cork out and drinks a little of what's inside, even though her inner voice is screaming for her not to. "Mmmm. Tastes like a mixture of cherry tarts, plum pudding, and buttered biscuits." Hermione rolls her eyes and puts the cork back in place. She puts the bottle back on the table and walks over to the small door again.
"Mmmm." Intones her ever present audience.
"Very nice. Very nice indeed. Well here goes the telescope again. Mustn't shut up too far or it might be like a candle going out. And I don't want to go out. Then I'd never get through to that lovely garden." Hermione says as she watches the small door become gigantic, if it wasn't for the room remaining the same size she would swear that the door grew instead of her, because the now empty little table shrunk right along with her.
"Gee, it looks as if I'm too small to reach the door handle." Hermione looks around and sees that the empty table now has a new sign with a cake sitting on a little plate. "'Eat Me.' Oh, I do love carrot cake." Hermione says walking over to the little table and picking the cake up. She takes a small bite and places the rest back on the plate. The cake and sign disappear from the table and Hermione walks back to the gigantic door, which seems to be getting smaller now.
"Well, I never! A bit of carrot cake and I'm back to normal size, or maybe bigger." Hermione measures herself against the door and says, "Yes, bigger. Now I shall never get through to the garden. Never, never, never." Hermione, for no good and logical reason, starts crying. "First, I'm as tall as a house, and then I'm as small as a mouse. It's getting curiouser and curiouser. Indeed it is. I must stop crying though, especially since I can't remember why I started. Oh yes! The dear garden with the flowers, and fountains, I shall never see." Hermione continues crying and notices a puddle on the floor where she stands.
"And where's the White Rabbit? How rude of him to vanish. He must have known I was following him. How very rude. Besides, I don't know where I am or where I'm going or how to get there!" Hermione finds that while she can't stop crying she begins to shrink again and the door becomes gigantic again. The small puddle of tears on the floor becomes a pool.
"I'm...I'm...I'm shutting up again! I'm shrinking! And I didn't eat a bite or drink a drop. It must be in my system. I must run. I don't know where or why, but I must run!" Hermione, being compelled to run, runs into the pool of her own tears. What in the world? Where would any of this make since? She thought. "What's this? Why, it's salt water!" Hermione says trying to stay afloat and tasting the water. She then notices that someone else is now in the room and swimming towards her. She strains to see who has finally come to rescue her. It's Colin Creevey with a pair of mouse ears, with his nose painted black and with whiskers. Hermione tries to laugh but yet again finds it impossible.
"Excuse Me." She says to Colin, who stops with a bewildered look in his eyes.
"Why What did you do?" Confused Hermione says,
"I didn't do anything." For once my own thoughts expressed Hermione said to herself as Colin swam past saying,
"In that case I would advise you not to say 'Excuse me'" Hermione turns to Colin and exclaims.
"Please don't swim away." Colin turns exasperated.
"I can't swim in one place." Hermione rolls her eyes and continues with 'the words' as she likes to call them, because they sure aren't her own words.
"Why, you're a mouse!" Colin looks at her as if offended and turns his head away.
"No comment." Hermione looks around and notices that the checkered room as disappeared as well as the table and door. A blue sky was now in place.
"Can you tell me where I am?" Colin looks at Hermione like she's insane.
"You ought to know. They're your tears, not mine."
"My tears? Amazing." Hermione says while thinking, as if I didn't already know that it was I who was crying earlier.
"Big tears, I'd say. You must be quite blubbery."
"Don't mice cry?" Hermione found herself asking, already knowing the answer. Colin Creevey looked at her yet again with a bewildered look.
"Not this much. It would take me a hundred years to cry a pool this size." Hermione rolled her eyes again, as if that was possible.
"I must tell Dinah?" My cat's name is Crookshanks! Not Dinah! Colin looks at Hermione a little curiously.
"Who's Dinah?" Before Hermione could try and stop herself she realized that the next thing she would say would scare the crap out of the supposed mouse.
"Dinah's my dear little cat." Hermione was right Colin got a very frightened look on his face and then screamed bloody-murder. He dived under the water and bounced back up gasping for breath. "Oh, I'm sorry. I don't suppose we should talk about cats." Hermione said sounding a little sorry, but laughing up-roarously in her head. Colin finally caught his breath back and shook his head.
"I wasn't!" He exclaimed. He glared at Hermione as she continued to talk about the cat.
"But Dinah's such a sweet pet. I'm sure you'd take a great fancy to her. She purrs and washes her face with her paws, and she's such a great one for catching...uh...oh..." Hermione trailed off as Colin's face turned stormy with hate.
"SHE'S A SERPENT!!" He screamed, Hermione jumped not expecting that reaction and becoming angry.
"I beg your pardon!" She says a little indignant and Colin glares at her and then acts as if nothing happened.
"Pardon granted." He says a little too cheerily.
"Good. Now how do we get out of here?" Hermione asks.
"Try swimming to shore." Colin says knowingly. Hermione looks around and sees that there are endings to the water on her left and right.
"What'll I find there?" Colin looks at her as if she's daft.
"Depends on which shore you swim to." He giggles as he points first to her right and then to her left.
"Well I'm looking for a white rabbit." Colin looks at Hermione a little interested.
"Why?" He asks simply. Hermione wished that this would end soon, she was beginning to lose the battle to keep afloat.
"I followed him and poof! He vanished." She said thinking, not to mention that it's Draco Malfoy dressed as a rabbit. Where's your camera Colin don't you want a picture of that? Meanwhile Colin looked skeptical.
"A likely story." No doubt, Hermione thought.
"I believe he was on his way to a croquet game." Colin looked a little bit more interested in what Hermione was saying now.
"That so."
"You think I should attend the croquet game, too?" Hermione asked noticing that at last she could feel the bottom of the pool and she didn't have to swim to keep afloat.
"Did she invite you?" Colin asked still swimming around.
"Who?"
"The Queen." Ahh, so there is a Queen somewhere, Hermione thought.
"No, but I have a feeling that's where I'm going." Hermione said as Colin swam a circle around her.
"Better see the Duchess first." So there's a Duchess in this twisted world as well. Should have known that Draco wasn't talking off of his head.
"Where can I find her?" Duh, Colin, new here. Need directions.
"Where she lives of course. But don't tell her I sent you, I don't want MY head chopped off." Colin said a little fearful.
"Neither do I." Hermione said with her hand around her throat protectively.
"Well, that's what she'll do you know." Colin said mater-of- factly.
"Who? The Duchess?"
"No, the Queen. She's uncommonly fond of beheading people." Ahh, that's what Draco meant about his 'fate' is he's late.
"That's very...rude!" Hermione said as Colin swam back around her.
"Try telling her that!"
"One can't go about chopping people's heads off. It just isn't done." Hermione said as Colin swims away from her.
"Just isn't done, just isn't done..." He says as he swims into the distance seeming to disappear. The water acts as if it's swimming along with him.
"Wait! I've several questions I want to ask you. It's impolite to swim away when I haven't finished..."
"Mary Ann! What are you doing in the tub with your clothes on?" Hermione turns around and notices that all the water is gone except a little bit which is in a bathtub, she's standing in the bathtub. Draco Malfoy has reentered as the white rabbit and calling her Mary Ann. Hermione steps out of the bathtub still completely soaked.
"Mary Ann?!" Hermione asks confused.
"Don't call me 'Mary Ann.' I'm not Mary Ann. You're Mary Ann." Draco says confused as well. Hermione just wanted to laugh, or take a picture.
"But..."
"No, 'buts' about it. Run home this instant and fetch my white gloves and a fan." Draco says cutting Hermione off.
"Look, I'm rather wet..." Draco looks at Hermione's clothes and shakes his head.
"If you run fast enough the wind will dry you off! Quickly! I'm late! I'll need my white gloves for the croquet game...it's one of her new rules... and a fan for the tea party, if she's in the mood. Hurry!" Draco rambles on as he hops past a bewildered Hermione. He quickly disappears behind a gigantic mushroom.
"Which way?" Draco reappears on top of the mushroom.
"Which way? Which way indeed! No idle questions! Off with you!" Draco pulls out the big pocket watch and looks at the hands. "Oh, my wrinkly nose and pointed ears! Look at the time." Draco shoves the watch in Hermione's face and she sees that the minutes and hours hands just keep running around and around, not keeping time at all. Draco puts the watch back into his coat pocket and turns to leave.
"I'll meet you promptly." Draco disappears off of the mushroom again. "On the dot!" Hermione runs around to the other side of the mushroom and finds that there's no one there.
"I'm not Mary Ann. I'm Alice, I think." NO! I'm Hermione. "And I haven't the faintest idea where home is, his home or mine. Perhaps if I run far enough, I'll find one of them, though it wouldn't surprise me very much if I didn't." Hermione pauses and takes in her surroundings. It's another forest though this one's a little weirder, instead of trees there are huge mushrooms. "It's like a game without any rules." Hermione said walking around one of the biggest mushrooms. There was a clearing here and on top of one of the smaller mushrooms was caterpillar looking thing. Hermione got closer and found that it was actually Mr. Filch with a caterpillar suit on and he was smoking a pipe that ran to a bong. Filch was smoking marijuana!
"Well, hello!" Hermione said brightly. Filch looked at her and then looked in the other direction.
"Hmmm."
"I said hello." Hermione says a little louder. Filch turns back to her and blows a cloud of smoke in her face, Hermione coughs.
"Yes, I know." Filch says slowly pronouncing every syllable like it was a different language. He's stoned, Hermione thought.
"You know it is rude not to say 'Hello' in return." She informed him, which he could care less.
"Whoooo are you?" Filch asked again dragging it out very slowly. Hermione rolled her eyes, he knows who I am!
"Excuse me?"
"Who are you?" He asked again. Hermione shrugs.
"I hardly know sir. I've changed so many times since this morning, but I do believe I'm Alice." HERMIONE!!! I'm Hermione!
"Whoooo?" Filch asks confused. Hermione rolls her eyes.
"Alice!"
"You look like Mary Ann. Are you sure you are not Mary Ann?" Filch asks very slowly, by the time he was finished with the question Hermione was ready to take a nap.
"Yes, I am." She answered. Filch looked at her skeptically.
"Well, you did say that you hardly knew. So, you could be Mary Ann." Hermione shook her head.
"I am quite sure that I am Alice not Mary Ann." She said adamantly. Filch shrugged his shoulders and took another puff from the pipe.
"If you insist." He said nonchalantly.
"I do." Hermione said.
"Very well, so Mary Ann how may I help you?" Hermione almost screamed with impatience.
"Alice!" Filch looked insulted.
"I'm not Alice!"
"No, I'm Alice...oh never mind." Hermione said exasperated.
"Very well." Filch says and turns away from her.
"Please sir, I do need your help, you see..."
"I do not see. Exactly what is your problem?" Filch says angrily as he turns back to Hermione.
"The White Rabbit has sent me to find his gloves and fan, but I do not know where to find his house and really I had rather find my house." Hermione says a little bored with the force of 'the words.' Why can't I say and do what I want to?
"Do you think you will find his gloves and fan there?" Filch asks helpfully.
"No, I just want to go home. This is such a curious place. Will you help me please." How true most of that was; Hermione thought, as Filch became quiet for a moment.
"If you go in one direction," Filch said pointing to the left. "You will find his house and is you go in another direction," Filch said pointing to the right but then swinging his arm back to the left. "You will not find his house. So now run in place to that direction." Filch said pointing to the left. Hermione turned to the left to see what is there and notices that the mushroom forest is gone. She turns back around to Filch and he has disappeared as well.
"Everything's so curious and getting curiouser all the time." Hermione says as she turns back to the left and notices that she's in a long hallway. The walls are white with beige columns running along them. In the center of the hall is Cho Chang dressed in the weirdest outfit yet, the pants which resemble a fish's tail is green with gold scales and the top is like a golden halter-top. She looks like a mermaid but along her arms are fins that shine with gold paint. Her hair is braided with strings of gold and her face is painted gold. 'She must be a fish.' Hermione concluded. Hermione shrugs her shoulders and walks up to her.
"You see this handsomely engraved invitation, I suppose?" Cho said with an air of importance. Cho holds the invitation towards Hermione like it's for her. Hermione knowing that she's going to play along anyway said,
"Yes, I do." Hermione goes to take the invitation, but Cho snatches it away and looks at Hermione in disgust.
"Well, it's not for you. So stop your whining." Hermione opens her mouth in astonishment, I thought Cho was my friend.
"I beg your pardon." Hermione says offended. Cho smiles sweetly.
"That will do no good what-so-ever. I'm not in a position to grant pardons." Hermione's a little confused, but still offended.
"The very idea." Cho shakes her head in agreement.
"That's it! The very idea! You seem rather bright but your hair wants cutting." Hermione reaches up to her hair and wonders if that's really true. Should she get a hair cut?
"Personal comments are not in very good taste." Hermione said with Cho still shaking her head in agreement.
"And good taste is just what we'll have when the tarts are ready." Cho says rubbing her stomach in mock hunger. Hermione a bit confused says,
"What tarts?" Cho looks at Hermione as if she's retarded and walks around her.
"I know you know the invitation is for the Duchess to attend the croquet game and have a tart with the Queen afterwards." Hermione shakes her head no.
"It is?" Cho sighs and takes a deep breath.
"The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, all on a summer's day! And so forth." Cho recites very fast. Hermione smiles with understanding.
"Yes, I've heard that before." Cho slaps her hand to her face in exasperation.
"Of course you have... I just said it! If you'd cut your hair you'd hear better. That's only common sense." Cho says a little loudly.
"Has anyone stolen the tarts?" Hermione asks wondering were Cho put the invitation she had had earlier.
"Not yet. We've got to run. Quickly!" Cho yells as she starts jogging in place. Hermione looks at her like she's a retard and then asks,
"Why?"
"To stay in the same place!" Hermione feeling propelled to do as Cho did shrugged her shoulders and started jogging in place with her. Although Hermione knew that they weren't actually going anywhere the hallway started moving.
"I don't want to stay in the same place, if you don't mind." They didn't stop jogging and the hallway started moving faster and faster.
"But, I do mind! Faster!" Cho yelled as suddenly the hallway stopped moving. The place that Hermione was looking looked exactly like the place where they were a minute ago. Still they jogged.
"We don't seem to be getting anywhere."
"Faster! Faster!" Cho yelled louder. Hermione shrugged again and continued to jog, the odd thing was that she didn't feel the least bit tired.
"I do wish we could have a little rest." Hermione heard herself say as Cho stopped running. Somehow Hermione had gotten behind her and so she quickly ran to catch up.
"STOP!" Cho screamed as Hermione pulled up beside her. Hermione looked around and sure enough nothing had changed, they hadn't moved at all.
"We don't seem to have moved at all. We're in exactly the same place." Cho smiled at her and nodded.
"Would you have it otherwise?" Hermione was now beyond confused.
"Well, in my country, when we run fast we generally get somewhere." Hermione said indignantly. Cho shrugged and pointed behind Hermione.
"Time for knocks on the door."
"What door?" Hermione said as she turned around. There was the same door from earlier only this time it was the right height.
"There." Cho says as she walks up to the door and knocks three times. Each time Cho knocked, Hermione thought she heard someone say, 'knock.'
"Hark ye! Hark ye! Open ye! An invitation from the Queen." Cho steps away from the door as it swings open. Inky blackness was all Hermione could see through the doorway and then Oliver Wood walked through the door in a frog outfit. He wore green tights with frog-feet shoes and a bright green waistcoat with tuxedo tails, his hands were painted green and webbed and his whole head was painted green as well. Hermione would have burst out with giggles had she been allowed. To find one of the cutest graduates from Hogwarts decked out in a frog costume was hilarious.
"The Frog Footman, servant to the Duchess, at your service." Wood said bowing to Cho. When he stood back up the door slammed shut of it's own accord.
"The Queen invites the Duchess to a game of croquet and dearly hopes she can make it or else." Cho says happily to Wood.
"I see." Wood says and then sneezes loudly. Hermione, startled, almost runs into the back of Cho.
"Bless you." Hermione says. Wood looks at her quizzically and then looks to Cho for an explanation.
"Pay no attention to her, she's waiting for a haircut." Wood looks back at Hermione confused.
"It's not her turn." Cho shakes her head knowingly.
"I know it, but she kept screaming at me." Hermione smiles to herself but the stern looks that Cho and Wood gave her made her sober.
"The Duchess is not fond of people who scream. She's highly sensitive to screaming." Wood informed Hermione, who was a little taken- aback. She was not screaming, Cho was.
"I didn't scream and I'm not waiting for a haircut." Hermione almost yelled, really this was all nonsense.
"Why do you need a haircut?" Wood asked picking up a piece of Hermione's hair.
"I don't need a haircut." She said as Wood dropped her hair and turning to Cho.
"See? She makes no sense at all." Cho said shaking her head sadly. Wood shook his head in agreement.
"None what-so-ever." Hermione looked at them questioningly.
"I think you're trying to confuse me." Wood shook his head no.
"The Duchess is very sensitive to confusion." Wood looks back to Cho and Cho hands him the invitation that she didn't have a minute ago. "I'll give her the invitation and pray I don't get hit with a pot." Wood said turning back to the door.
"The Duchess might throw a pot at you?" Hermione asked indeed confused. Wood turns back around and looks at Hermione exasperated.
"Of course not. But the cook will." Wood says as he motions for Cho to get out of the way. Cho moves and Wood runs two circles around her then runs through the door into blackness.
"A strange household I'd say." Hermione comments truthfully. Cho starts jogging again, but Hermione refuses to.
"Please don't expect me to stay, she'll need cherries for the tarts." Cho starts jogging backwards down the hallway.
"If you run that way, you can't see where you are going!" Hermione yells after her. Cho smiles and waves.
"I know. Makes for surprises." Cho says then disappears. Hermione shrugs and turns back to the door.
"Perhaps this is where I'm supposed to meet the White Rabbit on the dot." Hermione says.
"She's doing just fine, isn't she? And having fun too." Hermione whirls around to see who's there, but it's only Fred's voice.
"Wait'll she meets the Duchess." Cho's voice came ringing back. Hermione turned around again.
"And her cook." Fred says. Hermione shrugs and goes back to the door and knocks.
"May I come in?" The door opens by itself and Hermione is sucked into the inky blackness. She opens her eyes and sees that she's in a cottage like house, but the only thing in the house is a stove. She turns around to where the door should be but in its place is Professor Sprout holding a baby. She's wearing a very nice dress with high-heels and stockings. She had her hair up and a tiara is perched on top. Professor Sprout is dressed like the Queen of England. Hermione turns back around to the stove and there's Dumbledore, dressed in a cook's smock and with a cook's hat perched atop his head, banging around pots and pans.
"Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes; He only does it to annoy, Because he knows it teases." Professor Sprout sang as Dumbledore made more noise with the pots and pans.
"Wow, wow, wow!" Dumbledore suddenly shouted from the stove. Professor Sprout turns to where Dumbledore is and sneezes.
"I know a million verses to that song and I hate 'em all." Professor Sprout says and then sneezes again. Hermione trying her hardest to laugh steps out of the way of Dumbledore.
"Bless you." Hermione says and then looks at Dumbledore. He stops stirring in one of the pots and looks at Hermione. She smiles as Dumbledore picks up another pot and places it over his head. He then beats that pot with another and promptly knocks himself out. Hermione is laughing inside while 'the words' take over outside. "Well, I never."
"Living backwards, that's what does it." Professor Sprout says as the baby she's holding starts crying violently. "What's the matter with you? Want a good bouncing?" Professor Sprout then starts bouncing the baby with no regard that it's a baby. Hermione is more than a little frightened for the baby. "There! That ought to do it! PIG!" Professor Sprout yells.
"I don't like to interfere..." Hermione starts but Professor Sprout just ignores her.
"Piggy pig, pig! Dance me a jig! Pour on molasses, And call it a wig!" Professor Sprout sings and then sneezes again.
"Bless you." Hermione says and then sneezes herself. "Bless me." Professor Sprout turns to Hermione and sneezes.
"What an awful conversationalist you are, and that's a fact. Try the soup." Dumbledore runs to Hermione with a pot of something and then offers her the spoon to taste.
"The soup? Oh, all right." Hermione says and then Dumbledore sneezes. "Bless you." Hermione says and Professor Sprout snorts with disdainment. "Blessing people after they sneeze is a form of good manners." Hermione says and then tastes the soup proffered.
"Do tell." Professor Sprout, Dumbledore, and Professor McGonagall say. Hermione looks at Professor McGonagall funny and then says,
"There may be too much pepper in the soup." Dumbledore snatches the pot and the spoon away and then shrieks as if offended. He runs around Professor Sprout and into the stove knocking all the pots and pans off then he disappears. Hermione looks back at Professor McGonagall. It's as if Professor McGonagall had changed into her cat form but remained as big as a human, plus she could talk. She was sitting in a chair beside the stove oblivious to Dumbledore's banging around. "Gracious! What an unusual pussycat. Are you smiling, Kitty?" Professor McGonagall starts laughing hysterically.
"It's not a smile, it's more of a grin. PIG!" Professor Sprout says. Hermione huffs as if insulted.
"Pig? Please, are you addressing the cat or the baby or me?" Hermione asks as Professor Sprout tosses the baby up in the air and catches it.
"Pig! Pig! Piggy! Pig! Pig!" She chants as she repeatedly tosses the baby. Hermione turns back to Professor McGonagall, who's grinning from ear to ear.
"Oh. Please don't think me forward, but is there a reason for the cat to grin like that?" Hermione asks.
"Certainly. She's a Cheshire Cat and that's why." Professor Sprout says mater-of-factly.
"Really?" Hermione says questioningly. Professor Sprout turns around to her and smiles.
"I said it, so it's so." She declared, Hermione was bum-fuddled.
"Dinah doesn't grin." Crookshanks! And no, he doesn't grin, not like that. Professor Sprout was now rocking the baby back and forth, while Professor McGonagall just kept on grinning.
"That's her problem." Professor Sprout said.
"But Dinah's a cat, too, my cat, my dear little kittypuss." Hermione says, disgusted with herself for saying such a stupid pet-name. A loud clash of pots and pans came from somewhere, but Dumbledore was no where in sight. "And frankly, I'm wondering how I can get back home and see her right now."
"Stop wondering. If you were living backwards like me, you'd be home last Wednesday." Professor Sprout shouted as she took to tossing the baby again.
"But I'm not living backwards. I'm living forwards." Hermione informed everyone who was willing to listen. Professor Sprout shook her head sadly.
"The mess people make of their lives. But there's no time for tea."
"I didn't ask for tea." Hermione said as Professor Sprout started looking around for something.
"I expect I'll need white gloves and a fan." Professor Sprout said off-handedly. Hermione brightened up.
"Oh, yes, that's right. I wonder, your Highness, if you could tell me how to get to the Queen's croquet game?" Hermione says as Professor Sprout acts as if she's burping the baby.
"Certainly. I could tell you. But then I could choose not to tell you. You see my position?" Hermione stared at Professor Sprout as if she had lost her mind. Suddenly the noise at the stove was too much, Dumbledore was back and making as much noise as possible. Hermione tried to ignore the noise though as she turned back to Professor Sprout.
"Do you think the Queen will object to my company?" Hermione asked.
"Nothing to fret about even if she does. She'll only behead you." Professor Sprout says off-handedly. Hermione walks back over to her and wonders,
"Only?!"
"Tell you what. We'll make a game of it! After the Queen has you beheaded, I'll box her ears. There, now, won't that be fun?" Professor Sprout laughs as Hermione puts her hand to her throat.
"No."
"There are two things I can't abide, and the other one is rudeness." Professor Sprout says menacingly to Hermione, while in the back at the stove Dumbledore is still banging around pots and pans.
"Forgive me, I don't wish to seem rude, nor do I wish to be beheaded." Hermione says as Professor Sprout looks behind her. Professor Sprout then takes up the hem of her gown while holding the baby in her other hand.
"Run! We've got to run! Quickly! Run!" Professor Sprout shouts. Dumbledore grabs two handy pots and runs up beside Hermione and then they start jogging in place. Hermione shrugs and jogs along with them. "Faster! Faster! No talking or singing or arithmetic! Run!" Professor Sprout shouted as everyone continued to jog in place.
"I don't believe we got anywhere." Hermione said actually a little winded this time. Professor Sprout looked at her funny and then everyone stopped jogging.
"Of course not!"
"We're in exactly the same place." Hermione said confused.
"Thank heavens!" Professor Sprout shouted. Hermione looked around and saw that the stove and Professor McGonagall was still there.
"But so is the cat and she didn't run. She didn't even get up." Professor Sprout laughs then sneezes and tosses Hermione the baby. Hermione catches the baby and rocks it gently.
"Here! I must ready myself for the Queen's croquet game!" Professor Sprout runs off towards the stove and as she runs by Dumbledore tries to hit her with his pot. He misses and Professor Sprout disappears, Dumbledore throws the pot after her then grabs another and runs in the same direction promptly disappearing. Hermione looks at Professor McGonagall and watches as she slowly disappears, the last thing visible being her smile and then that disappears as well.
"Well, I never! They might have said 'good-bye.'" Hermione said as she watched Professor McGonagall reappears. Professor Sprout and Dumbledore reappear running around Hermione.
"Good-bye!" Professor Sprout shouts and then disappears.
"Good-bye!" Dumbledore shouts and then disappears as well. Hermione shakes her head and continues to rock the baby.
"Whatever am I to do with this dear little baby?" Hermione says as the baby starts crying. Hermione pulls back the baby blanket and sees a cute little baby boy with green eyes and blonde wisps of hair. "There, there. I certainly shan't treat you as roughly as the Duchess did." The baby cries even harder and then gradually the cries turns to squeals. "Now, now. Rock-a-bye-baby...what a strange looking child." The baby's face gradually changes as Hermione continues. "I do believe he somewhat resembles a..." The baby is now oinking very loudly. "...PIG!" Hermione screams and then tosses the wriggling pig into the air where it promptly disappears.
"There you are! Don't bother to explain, there isn't time! Just make certain you fetch my white gloves and fan and meet me on the dot. And remember, Mary Ann, there is absolutely no time for a haircut!" Draco startles Hermione as he hops by in front of her and on past her then disappears again. Hermione feels a little bewildered as she turns back to Professor McGonagall, all signs of the house are gone she notes.
"I think I need a little help." Hermione says to Professor McGonagall.
"Tell me what happened to the baby?" Professor McGonagall asks.
"It turned into a pig." Hermione said mater-of-factly.
"I thought it would. Are you having a good time?" Hermione smiled.
"I'm a little confused. Between smiling and frowning sort of." Professor McGonagall nodded her head.
"What's a dog do when he's happy?"
"Wags his tail." Hermione said knowingly.
"And when he's angry?"
"He growls."
"Now you take me. I wag my tail when I'm angry and growl when I'm happy." Hermione smiled.
"I call that purring." Professor McGonagall shook her head in annoyance.
"Call it what you like. It's all part of the nice madness."
"I am having a good time. It's all so...unusual." Professor McGonagall arched her eyebrow at Hermione.
"That's what you wanted, you know – something unusual to happen." Hermione thought back to earlier.
"Yes, I did. You heard that?" Professor McGonagall nodded her head.
"Are you going to play croquet with the Queen?" Professor McGonagall asked. Hermione thought about it.
"I think so."
"Good. I'll see you there. Or perhaps you'll see me there. You never know."
"It's all one and the same. That's the rule." Hermione said.
"You're catching on." Professor McGonagall said smiling and nodding her head.
"I'm trying." Hermione screamed inside at the sheer absurdness of this whole day.
"By the way, did you say that the baby changed into a fig?" Hermione smiled and shook her head no.
"No, I said 'pig.'"
"I knew it was one or the other." Professor McGonagall stood up and the chair disappeared. "In that direction lives a Hatter," Professor McGonagall pointed left through a thicket of trees. "And in that direction lives a March Hare." She then pointed right past a white picketed fence. "Maybe one of them can help you. They're both mad, you know." Professor McGonagall smiles prettily and then vanishes. Hermione shrugs and decides to go right.
"Well, I expect the only thing to do now is...run! Faster and faster!" Hermione shouts as she starts to run in place. Slowly the picketed fence goes by and she becomes tired. "Oh dear! I'm so tired, I've just got to sit down for a while." Hermione stops running and a chair appears in the middle of the clearing.
"About how long do you suppose to rest?" The voice of Fred Weasley asks. Hermione closes her eyes and sits down in the chair.
"Oh, about ten minutes, or so..."
To Be Continued...