AN: Takes place from the bedroom scene in 11x22 from Meredith's POV. This scene really captivated me. I wish there were more scenes of Meredith. I'm hoping the 2 next episodes show us what happened when she found out she was pregnant...or something along those lines. Feel free to leave a review. I think I may have come to terms that Derek Shepherd is dead in Shondaland. I don't own anything.
Song is the famous Chasing Cars. I've had that damn song stuck in my head since 11x21. And then it didn't help that I watched the season 2 finale with my sister last night...
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
I crept into our bedroom. I flicked on the lights, and gazed around our bedroom. Everything was right where I had left it…nine months ago. I took a deep breath in. I haven't stepped foot into this room in almost nine months. This was our sanctuary. This is where we went to bed with one another, even when we hated each other, this is where we fought, this is where we made love, this room is where we were just ourselves, Meredith and Derek.
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I looked above the dresser, and saw the piece of drywall that Derek had cut out of my old house…my mother's house… our house. I was still on bed rest from when I donated part of my liver to my alcoholic father. Derek had figured out how to operate on an inoperable spinal tumor, and he wanted to show me how. He turned the whole entire bed around with me in it to face the wall behind us, and just started drawing with permanent marker. On the freaking wall. A picture of a spinal tumor. I thought he had gone rogue. I could see the passion in his eyes when he was explaining everything to me. He was…is…was a brilliant neurosurgeon. My eyes started to wander down onto the dresser, and on top was laying a folded blue shirt, and his cologne. I smiled at the shirt. He looked good in blue. Blue brought out his eyes. And you could smell his cologne every time he walked into a room….and you knew McDreamy was close by. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath in. I could almost smell him. His scent lingered. I wanted so badly to see him laying in out bed, but instead I saw our bed untouched. Everything was where I left it. Tears started to well in my eyes as I looked up. Out post-it vows were still in the small shadow box. The glass was broken on it. I regret the day I threw it in the waste basket. Those vows mean so much to me….to us "To love each other even when we hate each other. No running. To take care when old, smelly, and senile. This is forever." I stood, and just stared at the shadow box. Derek is dead, and I just can't be in this room right now. He was…is the love of my life. I flicked the lights off, and walked out of the room.
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
I am incredibly lucky to have the family I do. Alex stayed, and helped me get Zola, Bailey, and baby Ellie to bed. He made sure that I was okay. I let him go. I have to learn how to do this by myself. I have learn how to live in this house that Derek built us, and raise our three children here. By myself. Amelia helps once in awhile, but I can't expect her to live here forever. Right now I am just grateful for all the help I have.
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
After I made sure that all the kids were sleeping, I tried to fall asleep on the couch that night, but I just couldn't. I wandered back into our bedroom. "You can do this Meredith. You can sleep here," I coached myself. I crawled on to my side of the bed, and I wanted so badly to look over, and see him next to me. I put my arms around myself to help calm me down. Derek use to give me hugs when I couldn't calm down. Now he's not here, and the bed was cold without him. I glanced over, and his side of the bed still remained untouched. I just stared at his side of the bed trying to imagine him there. "He's gone Meredith, he's dead," are the things I just tried to keep telling myself.
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Before I drifted off to sleep I saw a picture of us on his nightstand. It was before we had the kids. We looked so happy. I vaguely remember the day, but I loved that picture of us. It was on the ferry boat. We must have had a rare day off together. I picked the picture up off the night stand, and touched the glass with my fingers. I caressed his face. "I love you, Derek" I whispered. I put the picture back on his nightstand, and slowly drifted off to sleep.
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
I don't really remember drifting of to sleep, but I woke up to the sweet cries of baby Ellie. I got myself up, and noticed that I had drifted to Derek's side of the bed in my sleep. It was a natural force of habit. I stretched and yawned, and found myself heading into the next room where Ellie was starting to get fussy. "Hey, baby girl," I whispered ad I picked her up. "It's okay," I cooed. "We're going to be alright," I smiled down to the girl who looked like Derek.
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
I got Zola and Bailey up, and started to make them breakfast. I just stared at the two sitting down at the kitchen counter. They were playing, and babbling away. I couldn't help but smile. Our children were perfect. Each and every one of them. I was rocking Ellie back and fourth in my arms, and couldn't help but gaze into her eyes. They were blue. Just like Derek's. Bailey had Derek's smile, and Zola had the kindness and warmth of her father. They all had qualities of Derek. Even though he isn't with me anymore...he is with me through my children.
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
I had gotten all the kids to daycare, and was ready to start my first day back at Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital. I walked into the doctor's lounge. I thought people were going to be giving me sympathy looks. "Poor Meredith. Her husband died, and she had a baby. She is going to have to raise three kids by herself," is the look I thought I was going to get. Instead, it felt like any other day at the hospital. I walked over to the closet where I kept my lab coat, and was getting ready for my first surgery. I went to get my lab coat out of the closet, and that's when I saw it. Derek's favorite scrub cap. The ferryboat scrub cap. I picked it up out of his lab coat's pocket. I fumbled with it through my fingers. And I knew in that moment, how Derek was always going to be with me. I put the scrub cap on my head, and tied the strings. Then I thought to myself, "It's a choice. It's a choice I'm making. To move forward. To move past this. I can do that. All I have to do… is begin." I walked into surgery, with confidence, asked for the scalpel, and made the first cut. I'm ready to begin.
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?