Did anyone else wonder what happened in that scene in Chosen where Buffy
comes downstairs and she and Spike just stand and look at each other, right
before we cut to the next day? Well, this is my wishful thinking of what
might have happened. I swear, that non-scene is good fanfic fodder! And I
just felt Spike deserved at least what Angel got, but without the stupid
cookie reference.
**
They stood there, both recognizing the uncertainty in the other. Spike was the first to move, and within a second he was before her. She fell into his embrace.
"I'm so scared, Spike." Buffy whispered into his neck.
"I know, pet. But you're the one who told me we were going to win. Where did that confidence go?" Spike stroked her back with one hand, holding her tight to him with the other.
"It's still here. I do think we're going to win. It's just.....these girls are so young. Some of them are going to die, I know it. It's not fair. They didn't ask for any of this. It wasn't fair when I died, and it's not fair for those girls who are going to die. It's not fair that they even have to fight." She was clinging to him so tightly her knuckles were white.
Spike gently took her arms and pushed her back so he could look at her. "Pet, I told you, this is a war. And no, it's not fair that some of those girls will die, but it can't be helped. They're here as much for protection as they are to fight. If they weren't here, they'd already by dead, luv. At least now they have a chance."
Buffy looked up into his too blue eyes and smiled. "You know, I was just outside, thinking about how it all is going to go. Or at least how it's planned. I know it won't go that way, not really. And I felt really good, really confident. I know we're going to win. But.....at what cost?" Buffy sighed. "Just upstairs," she nodded upward, "I saw a picture when I came in. My mom, me, Dawn. I'm so glad my mom isn't here to see all this. And then I feel guilty, because I really would give anything to have her back. But Dawn.....I wish she had gone with Xander. She's so stubborn, I don't understand her!"
Spike chuckled, putting one arm around her shoulders and guiding her to his cot. "Well, she's made out of you. I think that's all the explanation in the world!" Buffy smiled as she sat down, but her eyes were sad. Spike sighed, "Buffy, she's going to be ok. Look, I'm still holding to my promise, you know. Even though I won't be with her in the fight, I'll still protect her with everything I have. I wish I could have her in eyesight the whole time, but I think she'll be safer somewhere that is *not* a gateway to hell. I'm sure she'll be ok with Xander. They sound like they have a good plan worked out. But we're going to be sure they don't need to use it, right?"
Buffy nodded and put her head down on her knees. "Spike, I don't know what I'll do if I lose any of you. I hate myself for feeling this way, but the potentials.....I *know* some of them will die. I am expecting it. But my friends, Dawn, you.....I'm not ready for that." Spike snorted. "What?" Buffy looked up at him.
"Nothing," Spike tried to sound nonchalant.
"Spike, what is it? I don't have time for your defensiveness, not now."
Spike looked at her and then straight ahead, unable to hold her gaze too long. "It's just.....well, after the past few days.....I don't know. I'm just being a git, it's nothing."
Buffy sighed exasperatedly. "Spike, please don't do this. I'm so tired of mind games, we get enough of those from the First. Of anyone, I expect you to be upfront with me."
Spike lowered his head. "I just thought.....I was kind of hoping that you considered me a friend by now. Like you do the Scoobies. I'm just being daft, I know you'll never consider me among them. They were your friends for years. We've only been cordial to each other for a couple of years. Well, last year a little less cordial....."
Buffy reached out and touched Spike's face. He looked at her on instinct, then tried to look away. She held his face in her hand. "You're right, I don't think I can ever think of you like I do my other friends. But you're no less important to me. It's just.....it's different with you and me. I don't know if we can ever just be friends." Spike just nodded and pulled his face from her hand. "Spike, do you know what I'm saying?"
Spike stood up, anxious for some distance between them. "Dunno. Maybe." He crossed the room and ran his hands through his hair. Buffy got up from the cot and moved to him. She put her hand on his shoulder, causing him to turn toward her. His eyes were glistening. "Look, you don't have to explain anything to me. I know I'm not.....I'll never be him, you know. I'll never have that with you. I realized that yesterday. The way you looked at him, it's like he never left. It kills me to know that you'll never look at me that way, so please, just don't. I don't need any more speeches about how you feel something, but you don't know what. I *know* how I feel, Buffy. I love you with everything I am, everything I have. And I accept that you will never feel that for me. Burns like hell, but yeah, I got it." He turned from her, no longer able to hold back the tears.
"I know how I feel about you, Spike. It's terrifying. I get how you felt the other night. And no, you'll never be Angel. But I don't want that in you. If I wanted Angel right now, I wouldn't be spending my nights with you, would I?"
Spike laughed bitterly. "Yeah, because I'm the default vamp. I'm the only one present at the moment. If he were here, you'd be snuggling up to him."
"He *was* here. And I sent him away."
"Oh, all noble now, are we? Don't think I don't know why that was. You want him all safe and sound in LA."
"I do want him safe. I want us all safe, but I know that's not possible. Trust me, if I thought I could do this alone, I'd send you all to LA. Angel's a warrior too. And if we fail here, he'll be needed. But you're the one I want by my side right now."
Spike looked at her, his tears having now stopped. "You say you know how you feel about me? So why don't you fill me in. And I want the truth, even if you think I don't want to hear it. My heart's already in a million bloody pieces, don't think it can get any worse."
Buffy took a deep breath and motioned for Spike to sit on the cot. He gave her a questioning look, but complied. "Look, I tried to explain this to Angel. I used a really strange cookie reference that sounded good at the time, but maybe I should just be straight. It'll be more wordy, but maybe you won't look at me strange like he did. None of my relationships, romantic ones anyway, have ever worked out. Usually boiling down to one reason: I'm the Slayer. Angel left me because since my life was so abnormal, being the slayer and all, he wanted me to have a normal relationship. Riley left because I shut him out, because a Slayer is supposed to be strong and not need to rely on anyone else. And also, I don't think he fully accepted my duty, my strength. Especially after he lost all of his. But you, you're the only one who wouldn't leave. Even when I desperately wanted you to, you stayed. Um, except when you left to go get a soul, but you came back for me. And you accepted me being the Slayer. It was never an issue with you, well, not in a bad way, at any rate. Well, ok, except back when you wanted to kill me because I was the slayer, but that's not what I'm talking about. You didn't have a problem that I was strong and had a mission, a duty. I think you're the only person to love me *because* of it, and not inspite of it. Anyway, when I was 'called' or 'chosen' or whatever.....I stopped being 'Buffy'. I became 'the Slayer.' My life wasn't my own anymore. I couldn't be a carefree schoolgirl anymore. I tried, but it never worked. And eventually I accepted that I would never be normal. And I'm really ok with that. But I still feel that somewhere inside of me is 'just Buffy.' And I want to be able to merge 'Buffy' and 'Slayer' into something I can live with. For a long time, I thought I had. But I was just kidding myself. Ah, this really isn't coming out how I meant it. Look, my point is, I need to figure out who I am, get really comfortable being 'Buffy' and 'Slayer' at the same time. I need to do that before I can *be* with anyone. Because I may not be the same person then. And I'm afraid if I try to be with someone now, it would end up like the rest of my attempts. Spike, I do feel for you. I care about you so much that it scares me. It scares me because I know it won't work right now, and I can't do that to you. You love me so much, I'm not going to hurt you that way. As much as I want to be with you, I'm not willing to risk losing you because I haven't found myself. And I'm comfortable in this right now, because I know you'll be around when I find myself. I haven't been able to shake you yet, nothing makes me think the future would be any different."
Spike smiled at this, but his eyes betrayed his disappointment. He sighed, "Yeah, I'll be around. I'm not-"
"Getting any older?" Buffy chuckled as she sat beside Spike once again.
"Uh, yeah....." Spike cocked his head and looked at her strangely.
She smiled, "Let's just say, it's not the first time I've heard that this week."
Spike snorted and rolled his eyes, "Peaches?" Buffy nodded. "Oh, I see, so you got us both in the que then. Bloody tragedy of it is, we'll both wait there. Both of us being devoid of pride, apparently."
"Look, like I told Angel, I don't think that far ahead. Well, sometimes.....but what I mean is, I just want to live in the now. *Especially* now, since there may not be anything after tomorrow."
Spike nodded. "So, I s'pose you'll be tryin' to charm your way into my bed again, then?"
Buffy giggled, "Oh, there's no 'trying' to it."
Spike rolled his eyes again, "Unfortunately, you're absolutely right." Spike kicked off his shoes and stretched out on the cot. Buffy snuggled in beside him, letting her her shoes drop to the floor as she laid next to him.
"Spike?" Buffy looked up into his eyes that were so full of love she almost cried. "We're living in the now. And you're the one I want with me. Are you ok if this is all that we are right now? I mean, I still need to find out what kind of cookies I'll be." Spike's brow furrowed in confusion. "Um, I just mean.....this is what *I* want right now. What I need. But it's not just about me. If you need more, I understand. I don't think I can give that to you now, but I understand just the same."
Spike kissed her on the forehead and let his lips linger there. "Pet, ever since we first met, it's *all* been about you. As you well know, I've no dignity left when it comes to my Slayer. What we have now.....it's more than we ever had before, so I'm not complaining. It's certainly more than I deserve, but I'm not complaining on that part either. I'll be here, pet. As long as you want me to be. And I *am* kind of curious about the cookies....." Spike felt Buffy's body shake as she chuckled, her face buried in his chest.
"Well, there is something to be said for cookie dough, ya know, " Buffy said as she slid her arms around Spike's waist. He caressed her hair until he felt her fall asleep. He then kissed her on the top of the head, taking a moment to breath in her scent, wondering if this would be the last night he would ever get to hold her. Spike fell asleep thinking that even though he was literally walking into hell tomorrow, he was still the luckiest man undead.
** R&R let me know what you guys think of my version!
**
They stood there, both recognizing the uncertainty in the other. Spike was the first to move, and within a second he was before her. She fell into his embrace.
"I'm so scared, Spike." Buffy whispered into his neck.
"I know, pet. But you're the one who told me we were going to win. Where did that confidence go?" Spike stroked her back with one hand, holding her tight to him with the other.
"It's still here. I do think we're going to win. It's just.....these girls are so young. Some of them are going to die, I know it. It's not fair. They didn't ask for any of this. It wasn't fair when I died, and it's not fair for those girls who are going to die. It's not fair that they even have to fight." She was clinging to him so tightly her knuckles were white.
Spike gently took her arms and pushed her back so he could look at her. "Pet, I told you, this is a war. And no, it's not fair that some of those girls will die, but it can't be helped. They're here as much for protection as they are to fight. If they weren't here, they'd already by dead, luv. At least now they have a chance."
Buffy looked up into his too blue eyes and smiled. "You know, I was just outside, thinking about how it all is going to go. Or at least how it's planned. I know it won't go that way, not really. And I felt really good, really confident. I know we're going to win. But.....at what cost?" Buffy sighed. "Just upstairs," she nodded upward, "I saw a picture when I came in. My mom, me, Dawn. I'm so glad my mom isn't here to see all this. And then I feel guilty, because I really would give anything to have her back. But Dawn.....I wish she had gone with Xander. She's so stubborn, I don't understand her!"
Spike chuckled, putting one arm around her shoulders and guiding her to his cot. "Well, she's made out of you. I think that's all the explanation in the world!" Buffy smiled as she sat down, but her eyes were sad. Spike sighed, "Buffy, she's going to be ok. Look, I'm still holding to my promise, you know. Even though I won't be with her in the fight, I'll still protect her with everything I have. I wish I could have her in eyesight the whole time, but I think she'll be safer somewhere that is *not* a gateway to hell. I'm sure she'll be ok with Xander. They sound like they have a good plan worked out. But we're going to be sure they don't need to use it, right?"
Buffy nodded and put her head down on her knees. "Spike, I don't know what I'll do if I lose any of you. I hate myself for feeling this way, but the potentials.....I *know* some of them will die. I am expecting it. But my friends, Dawn, you.....I'm not ready for that." Spike snorted. "What?" Buffy looked up at him.
"Nothing," Spike tried to sound nonchalant.
"Spike, what is it? I don't have time for your defensiveness, not now."
Spike looked at her and then straight ahead, unable to hold her gaze too long. "It's just.....well, after the past few days.....I don't know. I'm just being a git, it's nothing."
Buffy sighed exasperatedly. "Spike, please don't do this. I'm so tired of mind games, we get enough of those from the First. Of anyone, I expect you to be upfront with me."
Spike lowered his head. "I just thought.....I was kind of hoping that you considered me a friend by now. Like you do the Scoobies. I'm just being daft, I know you'll never consider me among them. They were your friends for years. We've only been cordial to each other for a couple of years. Well, last year a little less cordial....."
Buffy reached out and touched Spike's face. He looked at her on instinct, then tried to look away. She held his face in her hand. "You're right, I don't think I can ever think of you like I do my other friends. But you're no less important to me. It's just.....it's different with you and me. I don't know if we can ever just be friends." Spike just nodded and pulled his face from her hand. "Spike, do you know what I'm saying?"
Spike stood up, anxious for some distance between them. "Dunno. Maybe." He crossed the room and ran his hands through his hair. Buffy got up from the cot and moved to him. She put her hand on his shoulder, causing him to turn toward her. His eyes were glistening. "Look, you don't have to explain anything to me. I know I'm not.....I'll never be him, you know. I'll never have that with you. I realized that yesterday. The way you looked at him, it's like he never left. It kills me to know that you'll never look at me that way, so please, just don't. I don't need any more speeches about how you feel something, but you don't know what. I *know* how I feel, Buffy. I love you with everything I am, everything I have. And I accept that you will never feel that for me. Burns like hell, but yeah, I got it." He turned from her, no longer able to hold back the tears.
"I know how I feel about you, Spike. It's terrifying. I get how you felt the other night. And no, you'll never be Angel. But I don't want that in you. If I wanted Angel right now, I wouldn't be spending my nights with you, would I?"
Spike laughed bitterly. "Yeah, because I'm the default vamp. I'm the only one present at the moment. If he were here, you'd be snuggling up to him."
"He *was* here. And I sent him away."
"Oh, all noble now, are we? Don't think I don't know why that was. You want him all safe and sound in LA."
"I do want him safe. I want us all safe, but I know that's not possible. Trust me, if I thought I could do this alone, I'd send you all to LA. Angel's a warrior too. And if we fail here, he'll be needed. But you're the one I want by my side right now."
Spike looked at her, his tears having now stopped. "You say you know how you feel about me? So why don't you fill me in. And I want the truth, even if you think I don't want to hear it. My heart's already in a million bloody pieces, don't think it can get any worse."
Buffy took a deep breath and motioned for Spike to sit on the cot. He gave her a questioning look, but complied. "Look, I tried to explain this to Angel. I used a really strange cookie reference that sounded good at the time, but maybe I should just be straight. It'll be more wordy, but maybe you won't look at me strange like he did. None of my relationships, romantic ones anyway, have ever worked out. Usually boiling down to one reason: I'm the Slayer. Angel left me because since my life was so abnormal, being the slayer and all, he wanted me to have a normal relationship. Riley left because I shut him out, because a Slayer is supposed to be strong and not need to rely on anyone else. And also, I don't think he fully accepted my duty, my strength. Especially after he lost all of his. But you, you're the only one who wouldn't leave. Even when I desperately wanted you to, you stayed. Um, except when you left to go get a soul, but you came back for me. And you accepted me being the Slayer. It was never an issue with you, well, not in a bad way, at any rate. Well, ok, except back when you wanted to kill me because I was the slayer, but that's not what I'm talking about. You didn't have a problem that I was strong and had a mission, a duty. I think you're the only person to love me *because* of it, and not inspite of it. Anyway, when I was 'called' or 'chosen' or whatever.....I stopped being 'Buffy'. I became 'the Slayer.' My life wasn't my own anymore. I couldn't be a carefree schoolgirl anymore. I tried, but it never worked. And eventually I accepted that I would never be normal. And I'm really ok with that. But I still feel that somewhere inside of me is 'just Buffy.' And I want to be able to merge 'Buffy' and 'Slayer' into something I can live with. For a long time, I thought I had. But I was just kidding myself. Ah, this really isn't coming out how I meant it. Look, my point is, I need to figure out who I am, get really comfortable being 'Buffy' and 'Slayer' at the same time. I need to do that before I can *be* with anyone. Because I may not be the same person then. And I'm afraid if I try to be with someone now, it would end up like the rest of my attempts. Spike, I do feel for you. I care about you so much that it scares me. It scares me because I know it won't work right now, and I can't do that to you. You love me so much, I'm not going to hurt you that way. As much as I want to be with you, I'm not willing to risk losing you because I haven't found myself. And I'm comfortable in this right now, because I know you'll be around when I find myself. I haven't been able to shake you yet, nothing makes me think the future would be any different."
Spike smiled at this, but his eyes betrayed his disappointment. He sighed, "Yeah, I'll be around. I'm not-"
"Getting any older?" Buffy chuckled as she sat beside Spike once again.
"Uh, yeah....." Spike cocked his head and looked at her strangely.
She smiled, "Let's just say, it's not the first time I've heard that this week."
Spike snorted and rolled his eyes, "Peaches?" Buffy nodded. "Oh, I see, so you got us both in the que then. Bloody tragedy of it is, we'll both wait there. Both of us being devoid of pride, apparently."
"Look, like I told Angel, I don't think that far ahead. Well, sometimes.....but what I mean is, I just want to live in the now. *Especially* now, since there may not be anything after tomorrow."
Spike nodded. "So, I s'pose you'll be tryin' to charm your way into my bed again, then?"
Buffy giggled, "Oh, there's no 'trying' to it."
Spike rolled his eyes again, "Unfortunately, you're absolutely right." Spike kicked off his shoes and stretched out on the cot. Buffy snuggled in beside him, letting her her shoes drop to the floor as she laid next to him.
"Spike?" Buffy looked up into his eyes that were so full of love she almost cried. "We're living in the now. And you're the one I want with me. Are you ok if this is all that we are right now? I mean, I still need to find out what kind of cookies I'll be." Spike's brow furrowed in confusion. "Um, I just mean.....this is what *I* want right now. What I need. But it's not just about me. If you need more, I understand. I don't think I can give that to you now, but I understand just the same."
Spike kissed her on the forehead and let his lips linger there. "Pet, ever since we first met, it's *all* been about you. As you well know, I've no dignity left when it comes to my Slayer. What we have now.....it's more than we ever had before, so I'm not complaining. It's certainly more than I deserve, but I'm not complaining on that part either. I'll be here, pet. As long as you want me to be. And I *am* kind of curious about the cookies....." Spike felt Buffy's body shake as she chuckled, her face buried in his chest.
"Well, there is something to be said for cookie dough, ya know, " Buffy said as she slid her arms around Spike's waist. He caressed her hair until he felt her fall asleep. He then kissed her on the top of the head, taking a moment to breath in her scent, wondering if this would be the last night he would ever get to hold her. Spike fell asleep thinking that even though he was literally walking into hell tomorrow, he was still the luckiest man undead.
** R&R let me know what you guys think of my version!