[My thoughts on Alaska Young's final moments and what she was thinking when she drove away from Culver Creek. Character belongs to John Green from the book 'Looking For Alaska'.]

C'mon, Alaska. Tulips, back seat. Clutch, turn off the handbrake, no lights, go fast so the Eagle doesn't catch you. Stop crying, for god's sake, how old are you?

Don't ask yourself that question, don't.

I can get there in time. I just need to go a little faster. Little faster... Great. Okay. I can do this.

Jesus, Alaska, stop crying. Crying won't help. It didn't help the first time, did it? Fuck all helped the first time.

Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.

I'm perfectly fine, right? Sure, I'm going a little fast and it's a little too dark and I'm a little too drunk, but I'll be fine, right?

Wait. Shit. Lights. I'm way off campus. Fuck. Lights.

Right. Lights. Better.

Wake up, Alaska.

I'm so sorry, Mum. I'm so so so sorry.

What's even the point, y'know? I can't hold onto anything good in my life. I feel like acting out helps, though. It helps, right? To be the bad kid, cause no-one ever questions the bad kid.

We need the questioning most of anyone, though, right? 'Cause there's always a reason. Whether it's Pudge's desperation to fit in or the Colonel's infuriation with his own brain - because it's too great for the rest of us mere mortals - or me, with my... What do I call them? Issues? Problems? God, I sound like every other teenage girl on the planet. I'm not a clichéd brat with blonde hair and a simpering smile. Am I?

God, I need a cigarette.

What was I thinking? I can't remember.

Like, I kissed Pudge. I kissed Pudge. And he is sweet and awkward and clumsy and all limbs and no joints, but Jake. Jake, Alaska. And they are both so adorable and Jake is so hot but Pudge is so right.

And I feel at home with both of them and I fit so well with both of them and it's not fucking fair.

Christ, Alaska, stop crying.

Right, road. Road. Car. Teary blurry eyes. Wipe eyes. Okay. Better. Faster, Alaska, faster, you'll make it there on time. You have to. You have to. For Mum. Stop thinking about yourself. This is not about you.

'Isn't everything?'

Shut up shut up shut up.

Look at the road. C'mon. Nothing in your way. Just keep going.

But wait.

There's a police car.

In the middle of the road.

It's illuminating a jack knifed truck and telling me to pull over, Alaska, for God's sakes pull over, but I can make it, right? There's a gap, there's a gap, c'mon, this is easy.

And the sirens are blaring and it's a warning but I don't need to listen I can fit through the gap I have to I have to I have to.

Only a few minutes now and the gap's way big enough I have to do this because I can't believe I forgot. You awful human being you awful daughter for god's sake alaska why do you fuck everything up i'm getting closer and for fuck's sake alaska why were you so stupid why are you always so stupid you know better than this and then the lights are too bright and the road is too blurry and oh god what have i done but i can't stop i'm so sorry mum i'm so sorry-