AN/Disclaimer: Don't own, don't ask, don't sue. Written for 9th grade English class two years ago – my attempt at writing in Holden's voice. Not great, but good for a bit of a laugh. Written with Holden's spelling and grammar, one page or less, so DON'T COMPLAIN. Scott, wherever you are, thanks.
If you really want to know, you can tell how phony someone is by their hair. You really can. Like when old Stradlater was using Vitalis in his hair. He's so madly in love with himself. It took him about an hour to brush his hair too. Boy, I bet he thinks he's one sexy bastard. And that flitty-looking guy at the Wicker Bar who played piano came into the bathroom just to brush his hair. All those goddam golden locks. Handsome guys are all the same. They just comb their hair and beat it on you, I mean.
I was reading this magazine somebody'd left on a bench at Grand Central after I left Mr. Antolini's house. It was about cancer and other stuff that was depressing as hell. Then I saw this ad for hair transplants. It killed me.
There's this bald guy looking all depressed on one side. Then there's another picture of the same phony guy with some more hair and all. It doesn't even look like the same guy, I mean. Like the guy would get all happy with more hair. And the guy's name, Chad Krayer or something, sounds so phony. I bet it's not his real name. Who knows if he even really got a hair transplant? It could just be a wig or a hat or something.
The claims on top of the ad really kill me. The words 'Hair Transplants' are capitalized like their the goddam Taj Mahal or something. They're just words, you know. Not even very important ones, if you ask me. Then in real small print it says results will vary. I think that means it won't even work. I'm positive, actually.
People are always trying to pull stuff over you. Like when Phoebe saved up all her dough and sent away for a secret decoder ring, it didn't even work. I wanted to kill the bastard who invented it for making Phoebe all excited. It really depressed me to see her sad and all.
Anyway, I keep thinking of some poor guy who would get this hair transplant to get sexy and all. He'd want to look like all the phony bastards and maybe give the time to some girl with his new hair. And then it wouldn't work and he'd be all sad like Phoebe. That makes me sort of depressed. It really does.