Found a bunch of drafts so figured I would published some.
The title comes from the song by Rachel Platten by the same name.
Twelve hours. That's how long Callie had until she would be adopted. She figured she couldn't fall asleep because of the excitement, this was, after all, something that she had wanted for as long as she could remember, second only to wanting the same for Jude. But another part of her knew that it was because, the last time she had slept, she was with him. With Brandon. Just the thought of his name caused a smile to form on her face.
She had always thought it was cliche, how people said they missed having someone to fall asleep with, but now she understood the sentiment. Just one night with him had erased all memory of what it was like to sleep alone. What was worse was that Callie knew that her future could have consisted of many nights like last night, of them showing just how much they loved each other with actions, rather than words.
Words. The one thing that they had done little of last night was talk, both too caught up in the moment and not wanting to speak for fear that their happy bubble would burst. Callie realized that she hadn't told him she loved him since they had called it quits several months ago. He knew, of course, but she could not be content with that being the only time she told him. Especially since, in a few short hours, she would not be able to say those words to him, not in that context anyway; she could never love him like a brother and she knew because she tried.
As Callie sat up from her bed, the decision had been made: she would go to his room, tell him and then leave. She knew she had to leave, because despite how much she wanted to remain in his arms for one more night, it would just make things harder. The sooner she got used to sleeping alone again, the better. She did not bother tiptoeing out of the room; if Mariana could sleep through them having sex, she could sleep through Callie leaving the room and walking across the hall.
Entering his room and sitting on his bed, Callie almost regretted her decision to wake him up. She could probably spend all night just watching him sleep, watching as he inhaled and exhaled nothing but peace. Almost as if he felt her presence there, Brandon quietly whispered her name.
Her hand is on his cheek before she even realized it, gently caressing his jaw line. Her body was sent into a cold shiver at the heat of his skin, and she quickly made the decision that they would not be hugging anytime soon after the adoption as she wasn't sure she would be able to feel him pressed so close to her and not be able to act on it. Callie knew that what they shared last night was reserved for only them, and she wasn't sure she would ever be willing to share it with anyone else ever again.
As he starts to wake up, Callie's hand dropped from his cheek and moved to his bicep, running her hand down to his forearm, trying to form a long-lasting memory of the feel of his skin, the memory that is going to help her make it through what is coming.
"Hey", he started, his voice is full of surprise, "what are you doing here?"
"I just wanted to see you," she replied, moving her hand to his and giving him a tight squeeze. "I um, I should have said this at the cabin. I love you." There was no hesitation in her words and there never will be. She had never thought that, after how broken she was after Liam, she would be able to feel wanted and whole again. But then he came along. The boy with the perfect family and perfect life. The boy who never judged her for who she was. The boy who had turned into the cement holding her heart together.
"I love you, too."
Before she was able to walk away, follow through with her plan, his arms wrapped around her, cradling her in his chest. The feel of his arms around her tells her that he's also trying to form memories to help him make it through what is to come. Time seems to stand still as they lay there, his hands playing with her hair, untangling curls she did not know where there and hers caressing his hands. She's never been as comfortable and close to sleep as she is now, but falling asleep is the last thing she needs.
"What do you think it would be like," she started, her voice low, "if I had gone through with the independent living program?"
After a few moments of silence, she moved, reluctantly out of his embrace, to rest across from him; her hand quickly found his though. She would touch him as much as she could tonight.
"I don't think it would have been enough." His reply was quick, as if he had given thought to the question before.
"Brandon, what if it had though?"
He shook his head and moved closer to her, allowing her to feel breath on her lips. "It wouldn't Callie."
"What about Robert, what if I..."
He cut her off before she could continue. "No, Callie. I know how much you want to be a part of this family. That is all you have ever wanted, ever since the beginning. "
"That's where you're wrong, Brandon. I also want you."
"But you want this family more. And there is nothing wrong with that." He whispered, placing a quick kiss on her forehead. She wanted to fight him on it, but deep down, she knew he was right and she was grateful that he understood.
"I do wonder though," he said, some time later, "what it would have been like if we had met some other way. Maybe we would have been partnered in Timothy's class; maybe I would have run into you in the practice room. But I don't think it would have made any difference. I would have fallen in love with you either way."
She had been stuck between a rock and a hard place, no matter what she would have chosen, she would be giving something up. At least the choice was already made for her, now all she had to do was deal with the consequences but it wasn't going to be easy.
"It's going to be so hard..." She hadn't realized she had said the words out loud let alone actually thought of them.
His reply was full of confidence that she did not think she deserved. "You'll be okay, you will always be okay."
"Will you?"
And then his lips were on hers, telling her everything he could not say. No, but I will have to be. The kiss was gentle and short-lived and she did not want him to pull away.
"I love you, Callie. Go to sleep, its going to be a long day tomorrow." He said, pulling the covers up on top of them both. She didn't protest, instead moved closer to relish in the heat he provided.
The morning had been more difficult than she had imagined, just the thought of having to leave the warmth of his bed and never be able to return had put her on the brink of tears. But like a bandage, she knew that the faster she left, the faster she would recover. She was glad he was still asleep, leaving him while he was awake would have broken her. Leaning over, she placed a gentle kiss on his cheek, letting her lips linger there a moment before getting up, losing the fight to her tears.
After the adoption, she felt herself in a kind of limbo. As she expected, everyone was in a happy mood because, on the surface, everything was as it should have been. She was finally adopted. AJ had finally moved into Mike's apartment. And Jesus had been back (and boy, did boarding school really change him). She felt guilty for feeling upset and angry at how things had worked out, but she had to fight the ache she felt every time he had entered the room. But this was nothing new to her - she was used to fighting.