Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin, Sailor Moon, or Snowblind. Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki, who's just plain awesome in general. Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi, who...well, she's married to someone cool. I guess that counts for something. XD Snowblind is a brilliant fanfic by Nekotsuki, who was (unbelievably enough) gracious enough to allow me to use it in here. You rock, Auntie Keej!

Schoolgirl Kenshin and the Badfic of Doom
by misaoshiru

There was a blinding flash of red. When the glare subsided, Himura Kenshin, who had appeared with the flash, blinked. "Ah, you're here," a voice said.

"You again," Kenshin snarled as he recognized the teenage girl sitting on a desk chair in front of him. How could he forget? It wasn't that her looks were particularly noteworthy; she had messy brown hair and brown eyes, and save for the fluffy-looking, black cat ears on her head, she looked roughly the same as any 21st century girl, at least in Kenshin's eyes. However, when someone puts you through the kind of hell she had put Kenshin through...

"I sense some anger management issues," the girl said. "Or have I done something to offend you?"

"You tried to lock me in your goddamned closet!" Kenshin practically yelled, clenching his fists.

"You would have made a good pet." She shrugged. "I promise you, despite how it might have appeared, I would have made a good master."

"What do you want with sessha?" Kenshin said, practically growling. "Or do you just want another chance to make sessha your slave?"

"Slave is such a harsh word..."

"You didn't answer the question."

"Fine. I'll get straight to the point. I need a favor from you."

"And what makes you think sessha is willing to do favors for you?" Kenshin hissed.

"You're Kenshin. You're always doing favors for people you don't like."

"Not when they've tried to spray whipped cream on..."

"Fine," misaoshiru said, turning around. "I guess I'll have to write a fic where you and Saitou have to take of your clothes to keep from freezing to death like in Nekotsuki's fic, only it'd be much racier. I'm thinking of throwing in some BDSM and calling it 'Snowbound'. What do you think, hmm?"

Kenshin visibly gulped. "Sessha thinks he might be willing to do the favor now."

"Good," she said, an evil grin on her face. "I've heard reports that penguins are infiltrating schools in Japan. I need you to..."

"Wait, penguins? Sessha doesn't really think penguins are much of a threat de gozaru."

Misaoshiru gave him a strange look. "Everyone knows penguins are evil."

"Umm...right," Kenshin said. He didn't know what to think, really, but he didn't want to offend her. The thought of "Snowbound" sent chills down his spine, after all.

"As I was saying, I need you to attend Konoyarou High School for a while to gauge the threat, and to kick penguin tail if necessary."

"That doesn't sound too bad," Kenshin said, unaware that he was jinxing himself. He did not comment about how the school's name was a term roughly meaning the same as the word "bastard" in English because oddly enough, that lovely little factoid had slipped his mind for the moment.

"Good! Here's your uniform." She pulled out a uniform that would probably be right at home in Sailor Moon.

"Anou...that's a girls' uniform de gozaru."

"I know."

"Sessha is not a girl."

Misaoshiru decided against pointing out that her father had thought otherwise when he first saw him. Instead, she said, "Do you think I'd fangirl after you the way I do if you were?"

"Sessha supposes not."

"It's just that Konoyarou High School is an all girls' school, and we can't have you being too conspicuous. All right, ready?"

"Umm...is there going to be any shounen ai or yaoi in this fic, misaoshiru-dono?"

"Minimal," she said. Then, before Kenshin had a chance to complain or wonder just what he'd gotten himself into, she pressed a key on her computer's keyboard, and he disappeared in a puff of red smoke. "I probably should have warned him that this is another parody fanfic," she said to herself after he disappeared. "Oh well. He'll figure it out for himself eventually." She rubbed her hands together and cackled maniacally. This was going to be fun.

In a conveniently vacant part of Konoyarou High School fields, there was a puff of red smoke, followed by the sound of a sneeze. (Flashes were such expensive effects, after all. Smoke bombs that released colored smoke were cheaper and just as showy. Unfortunately, Kenshin just happened to be allergic to the red dye in them.)

"Ah, good morning!" a man said in a squeaky, high-pitched voice. "You must be the new student, Kenshin Himura! I am Principal Shimatta!" Kenshin winced at the man's name. He was tall, at least a foot taller than Kenshin, and thin. And he wore pink. (Not like Kenshin's gi, which is magenta, thank you very much! His clothing was more of the hot pink variety.) All in all, he resembled a flamingo. "Even though your name is unusually masculine, we're very happy to have you here!"

"Yeah, your name is pretty strange too, you know," Kenshin muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" the principal said in genuine confusion. "I thought you said something."

"Umm, nothing."

"Well, welcome!"

"Thanks...I think."

"Now, to introduce you to your new roommate! To the office!"

Kenshin had no choice but to follow along, though the thought of drowning himself in an elaborately designed, butt-ugly fountain they passed along the way was all too tempting. The office itself was very standard, with an all-too-impeccably organized desk and two chairs being the only noteworthy furniture in the room. A girl was sitting in one of these chairs. She was of average height, perhaps an inch or two taller than Kenshin, and she had curves in all the right places. Her eyes resembled gorgeous sapphires, or were they rubies or emeralds? They changed color every half second, you see. As for her hair, it was all colors of the rainbow, somehow looking unspeakably obnoxious and yet beautiful at the same time. It was almost eerie. The girl wore...ah, who cares what she wore? Simply put, she was so pretty (in an almost ugly way) that she merited a description so painful that it would break your brain in two. "Ara?" the girl said, looking shocked yet exotically exquisite in the office's perfect lighting. "Oh, you must be Kenshin, my new roommate! I'm Mary Sue, a foreign exchange student, school president, cheerleader, runner of around forty-seven clubs on campus, and the occasional pop superstar. It's a pleasure to meet you." With a grin displaying her perfect teeth, she grabbed Kenshin and almost forcibly removed him from the office.

"Anou, Mary Sue-dono, where are you taking me?"

"Toour room, of course. I hope you don't mind unicorns or flowers or rainbows; they make up the main decor of the room. You see, they're the only things keeping me happy and fun loving and not snapped and psychotic due to the unspeakably horrific and traumatizing things that have happened to me in the past." She took a deep breath. Kenshin braced himself. "My dad died in a car accident, and my mom hated my sister and me, so she sold us into slavery and we were sent to Venezuela, where we were supposed to be sold into prostitution, and she became one and has probably died of AIDS by now, but I never really liked her anyway, and I managed to escape by chewing through the shackles they put on both my legs and my arms - they were heavy shackles, too - and by seducing the guard and getting him to give me the key, and then I managed to get enough money through my sheer cuteness and the inspiringness of my story to travel to the United States, where I was adopted by this billionaire - I think you might have heard of him, his name's Bill Gates-"

"Et-to, Mary Sue-dono, shouldn't you be breathing?"

"-don't be silly, I don't really need to breathe that often; I'm part mermaid, you know; anyway Bill Gates is really nice, you know, and he paid for me to be educated by all the best teachers in the country, and I graduated college at the age of seven, but I wanted to come here because I've always wanted to see Japan - they've got anime and manga and Pocky, you know - and I cry every night because my cousin is a clown and I'm afraid of clowns, and-"

"Mary Sue-dono, you're turning blue."

"-doesn't matter; blue's my favorite color, what's your favorite color; oh, I forgot, pink's my favorite color, blue's my second favorite; I like puppies, do you like puppies? Puppies are fluffy and nice and..." By this time, Mary Sue had turned a deep purple. Finally, she shut up, for good.

Kenshin sighed. "Guess I need a new roommate, then," he said to himself, resigned,as he headed back to the office."

End of chapter one

In case anyone (other than Mi-chan) was wondering, shimatta roughly means "dammit".

For the record, I'm not really that perverted. It's just great fun messing with Kenshin's head, heh.