Title: Merry Frickin' Christmas
Author: Cherry Doom
Author email:
Genre: Humor/General
Rating: R
Characters: Nny/squee/devi/Tenna/Spooky/Sickness
Story Description: Johnny spends his Christmas with Squee, Goes shopping, and kills some annoying people along the way.You know, Same old same old. Devi spends her Christmas with Tenna, and gets a present from everyone's favorite maniac.

Disclaimer of Doom: I own...er...well, nothing. Damn...I'm so sad.

December twenty third. Snow, cold, misery, and boredom. Damn, it's just like any other day, Johnny thought as he twirled a knife around his fingers. He had actually gone out and bought a gift for Squee, considering that Squee's rat-bastard parents weren't going to get the poor little guy anything. It was a simple little gift. A sketchbook and a new little teddy bear was all. He stood up and looked at the package on the table. It was wrapped in some red paper, with a black ribbon and a small name tag that simply read "Squeegee." He was satisfied with it, considering that he had wrapped and re-wrapped it four times just to get it right. He picked up his trench coat, several knives, some money, and headed out the door. He still had one more gift to buy.

Across town, Devi was splattering some paint across her canvas. It just wasn't turning out right! The original concept was to have a Santa Clause being mauled by several rabid reindeer. But, no matter how much she tried, she couldn't get the blood and rabid mouth-foam to mix properly. Dammit, she thought. Hey, why don't you actually set up a Santa to be mauled by rabid reindeer? It'll be fun, and you'll get your inspiration! Sickness said in her head. "Fuck off Sickness, I can do this myself," Devi replied. She turned back to her canvas and began smearing some more. Well, it was as close as it was ever going to get. She finished off the rabid mouth-foam and sat the canvas against the wall to dry. She picked up an empty canvas and tried to get a feel for her next project. NERVE wanted her to paint the cover of the newest Science Fiction Novel, "It Came From a Fat Man's Ass." She dabbed her brush in the black paint and started to create the background.
How do you stand it? All of this monotony? You do the same thing day in and day out...Make me a new body Devi! Together we could do anything! You wouldn't have to just paint all day long...you could do anything! You could even get away with murder...
"How about not, Sickness," Devi interrupted. "Shit! Now I've lost my train of thought!"
Devi, dear, I am your train of thought!

Nny walked into the small jewelry shop. The girl behind the counter looked up and then back down to her magazine. Nny looked through the glass displays and spotted a sliver bracelet with a dragon charm on it. He looked at the girl and deliberately cleared his throat. She looked up again and back down to her magazine, smirking. Without a word he pulled out two of his knives and commenced to making pâté out of her. He stood back and looked at her, or well, what was left of her, and smirked his own smirk. He hopped behind the counter, unlocked the glass panel and pulled out the bracelet. "Now, do I want to pay for it...or just leave with it? The latter would be stealing, but on the other hand, it's not like they would miss it...Oh, damned moral decisions." He stuck the bracelet in his pocket and walked out, whistling "Ode to Joy" as he shuffled down the street. A Santa standing on the street corner and ringing a bell for the "Hellvation Army" stuck out his arm and stopped Nny.
"You gonna give?" he asked.
"I'll not and say I did," Nny replied pushing the Santa's arm away.
"How about you do...that way you can feel good about yourself, and I can get some cash, and the world can go on spinning," Santa smirked.
"I said no...and if you can't understand that, then maybe you can understand this!" He pulled out his still bloody knives and gutted the Santa like a kipper. His intestines spilled out on the ground and Nny quickly decapitated his still squirming body. "Why don't people just accept "no" for an answer?"
He walked back down the street and towards his house. He had some wrapping to do.

Devi had finally silenced Sickness, but her painting wasn't working out. Why did I want to do this art thing again? she thought disdainfully. She sat the half empty canvas against the wall with the others to dry and made her way to the kitchen. She was about to make herself a cup of "Roman Noodle Goop" when the doorbell rang. She cautiously approached the door and peeked out the peephole. Tenna stared back at her, a happily squeaking Spooky in her hand, and a big goofy grin on her face. Devi rolled her eyes and let Tenna in.
"What's the matter with Devi?" Tenna asked.
"I'm tired, I'm hungry, my art isn't working out, my sanity is slipping, and you're here with Spooky. That's what's the matter with Devi!" She exclaimed. Tenna squeaked Spooky once and Devi grabbed it and tossed it against the wall. "ARG!"
Tenna blinked a few times and inched to the wall. "I-I'm sorry Devi. I didn't know your day had been so shitty."
"It's not your fault, Tenna. I shouldn't have snapped," Devi said placing her head in her hand as she went back to the kitchen. She came back out with her bowl of "Goop" and two spoons. "Wanna help?"
Tenna's eyes lit up and she plopped down on the couch. "Yup! What flavor?"
"Umm...I think it's supposed to be an attempt at a chickeny taste." They both started to slurp away at the noodles and it was quiet for a while. Tenna finally had to break the silence.
"The noodles seem ok. So, Dev, what are you doing for Christmas?"
"Painting and maintaining my sanity. What about you?"
"I can't stand my family, and I don't have a boyfriend. Looks like it's just gonna be me, myself, and I. Oh yeah, and Spooky." She squeaked the toy happily.
"Why don't you hang out here..." Devi regretted it the minute she said it. Spending Christmas with Tenna was only bearable if you'd had a frontal lobotomy.
"That sounds fun. We could have Christmas dinner, watch those cheesy movies on the TV, and unwrap presents! Besides, if we left right now, we could get all of our shopping finished so that we don't have to fight the MAJOR crowds tomorrow."
"But...But...But..." Devi stammered. That would mean...gasp...leaving the apartment!
"No buts! You have to get out sometime, Devi, and what's a better excuse than shopping!" Tenna squealed as she jumped up.
"Arg...I don't feel so good all of a sudden," Devi said.
"TOO BAD!" Tenna grinned. "We're goin' anyways!" She grabbed Devi by the arm and hauled her to the front door, assisting her with her jacket as they went. Devi took one look at the door and tried to turn and run, but Tenna grabbed her shoulders, turned her around and commenced to pushing her out.

Johnny finished wrapping the bracelet and sat it on the table next to Squee's. "Ok, that should do it." He started to sit down and a slightly disturbing thought crossed his demented little mind. A total of two people to buy for, people that actually deserve something, and I've accomplished it with minimal trauma to society. Something's not right about that. He started to pace, trying to decide why it is that the thought bothered him so much. "I need to go out...I need fresh air, that's all," He picked up Squee's present and Devi's bracelet. "Yeah, I'll deliver these, and it'll help me to think."
He trotted across his yard and over the fence to Squee's house and tapped on the window. "Hey Squeegee...Squeegee?" The kid was sound asleep. It was only 7:30. Aww...that's almost cute. He cracked open the window and crawled though. Squee's bed was against the far wall and his little desk was to the left of the window. Johnny placed the package on the desk and left through the window again. The kid looked like he needed his sleep and Nny didn't have the heart to wake him up. He started downtown with the other package.

Devi and Tenna walked through the extensive mall and went dully in and out of each store. Devi had managed to slip away from Tenna long enough to purchase a coupla items while Tenna was in a dressing room. A neon green sweater that Tenna had been admiring in a store called Spastica's, some of that specialty cheese and salami from Sickory Farms, a nail polish set from Boredstrom's, some fun colored socks from Damp Walrus, and a length of black ribbon for Spooky's neck. She couldn't think of anything for an inanimate object, and Tenna would be upset if Devi left Spooky out of the fun.
Tenna was walking around Spictoria's Secret when Devi finally found her.
"Dude, Devi, where have you been? I was in the dressing room and when I came out you were gone," Tenna said cocking an eyebrow.
"Sorry Tenna, something caught my eye on a display in Damp Walrus and I had to go try it on," Devi lied. She hated Damp Walrus with a passion. It was a horrible, horrible store. Nothing but wannabe surfers and preppies. It was sickening to watch the girls argue over who could fit into the smallest size, who's hair was blonder, and who's boyfriend played what sport.
"S'ok. It gave me a chance to buy your gifts!" It was true. Tenna had several large bags in her hands just as Devi did. "Oh, Boredstrom's does excellent gift wrapping, regardless of where you buy the gifts. So, I took advantage of it, just in case you tried to peek!"
"Oh, God...yeah, ok, maybe I didn't check out stuff at Damp Walrus. I was buying your gifts, too. But, you will be tempted to peek because the great peeking gods command you too!" Devi laughed.
"Peeking gods? OOOOoookay. I won't give into their vile temptations! My will is solid aluminum!"
"Aluminum? Don't you mean iron?"
"Nope, aluminum is slightly easier to bend. My will isn't quite unbendable."
"Oh, haha. Well, I have just enough money left to buy some dinner."
"OH! Let's go to Eat or Die! I want some Chinese!" Tenna chirped.
"Uh, ok. Chinese sounds good." Devi and Tenna left the mall with their bags and tossed them into the trunk of the car.

Johnny pushed on the door of Devi's apartment building and started up the stairs. He hated elevators, and the thought of how many disgusting people rode them everyday. After a few flights, he was at Devi's floor. Two deep breaths, and he started down the hall. Is she even home? Maybe she's out tonight. Maybe she's found someone who can make her happy and he's taken her out to dinner. Or, maybe I'm just nuts...Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm just nuts, he thought as he started at her door. He fixed the small package to the door knob and turned around. Hell, it could be worse. I could've actually killed her. Then I'd have that to deal with, and that would just suck. He left the hallway and walked down the stairs and onto the street, his skinny figure melting into the shadows.

After they had finished eating, Devi and Tenna left for the apartments.
"Ok, Devi, admit it! You had some fun today didn't you?" Tenna remarked.
"Uh, well...kinda."
"HA! You see, getting out every once in a while doesn't hurt now does it?" Tenna said as she hit the brakes for a red light.
"OOMPH!" Devi said as she was pushed against the seatbelt. "Well, it didn't hurt up until now."
They rode for about 3 miles in silence. Then, once again, Tenna chirped up with another idea. "What are we gonna do for New Year's?"
"I dunno. I was planning on sitting in the apartment and jumping for joy when I realized that I lived through another year. I like the thought of getting drunk off my ass and sleeping it off the next day. I don't think that there's a 'we' in all that."
"Spooky likes getting drunk off his ass," Tenna said with a chuckle. "I think I could provide some entertainment."
"Oh, goody...and then we'll chase the White Rabbit down the hole to Wonderland," Devi said.
"Hey, if we ingest enough Vodka, Corona, and Sake, we could very well do that in the comfort of the apartment."
"Broo Haha. Sounds good. Hell, it's not like Christmas is gonna be any better...Dude, what are we gonna do for food on Christmas, anyways. All of the stores are gonna be closed!"
"Got it covered." They pulled into the parking garage and Tenna shut off the car. "I have tons of food at my apartment. Turkey, ham, cookies, sodas, booze, potatoes, cranberry sauce, rice, cheese, chips, dips--"
"Ok! I got it...You've got enough food to feed a small army," Devi interrupted as she climbed out of the car and grabbed her bags. Tenna did the same, the two women made their way to the elevator. "Ok, I'll admit it: I had fun. It's not everyday that your only friend and her annoying psychotic squeak toy will attack you and haul you to the mall. Thanks."
"See, that's what I'm here for!" The elevator opened to their floor and they walked down the hallway in silence. Tenna opened her door and went in. Devi was about to put her key in when she noticed the package. Oh, god...what is it? Who sent this? Maybe it's a bomb! Wait, that's stupid...Why would I get a...oh fuck... She placed her ear to the package. Silence. The sick little bastard probably put some kind of deadly virus in it. It'll eat my eyeballs first and then make it's way to my brainmeats! And then, who knows? AAAAACK! Against her will though, she picked it up and brought it inside with her. She sat it on the table and started to wrap Tenna's gifts. God, what was in that box? She grabbed it and ripped it open, prepared for whatever may happen. The simple silver bracelet started back at her. Woah...This is pretty.
What about that flesh eating virus? Wasn't that our original concern? It's a nice bracelet, too nice to come from a sane man. There's something wrong and you know it.
"Well, Sickness, what if there isn't? What if it's just a gift? And trust me, if it's a flesh eating virus, Then it'll eat the both of us, and I won't have to listen to you anymore." She clasped the bracelet on, the silver glittering in the light. No virus, no bombs, no nothing. It was just a harmless bracelet with a pretty dragon charm. In place of the dragon's eyes, there were emeralds. The same color as Devi's eyes.
Merry Frickin' Christmas, Devi, Sickness said, obviously disappointed at the lack of chaos and destruction.
Devi simply smiled and went back to wrapping her gifts.