Title: Soulmates never die
Pairing: Chuck/Blair
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Summary: Desperate times call for desperate measures. Blair makes a promise but sometimes, as they say heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of. C/B post 5x10.
AN: This was one of those spur of the moment things. I watched 5x10 again, sat down and started writing. And this is what I ended up with. Spoilers for 5x10 and maybe 5x11 if you haven't seen the promo. Also if you read this, I'd really appreciate if you took the time to review.
-ii-
"She is the only dream I ever had that lived and breathed and did not die in the face of reality."
(Gone with the wind)
-ii-
She's standing in the ER when it happens.
She's all alone, in a pale blue hospital gown and a robe that's keeping her warm and yet can't stop her from shivering. It takes her a minute to find him and when she does she stops, unable to make a single step forward and at the same time unable to stay away. It's as if she can't take another breath without touching him, just to assure her heart he is still there but at the same time she can't move any closer, too scared to see him, really see him in this state and admit to herself how bad it really is.
Everything bad that could have happened already has, she tries reassuring her brain and her heart that can't bear to hear anything else. She's already lost her baby, the news Serena told her as softly as she could with a shaky voice and teary eyes. She hasn't cried then, not a single tear came down her ice cold cheeks. All she asked was "Where is he?"
No names were necessary, they both knew who she was talking about. The nurse came in to check her blood pressure and Serena averted her question skillfully and advised her quickly to try and get some sleep and not worry about that now which was the last thing she wanted to hear now. What she wanted, what she needed was to see him, see his dark eyes assure her it will be alright, because if he was there to stand beside her she could take it all. He was always good at that. Serena tried but she was as upset as Blair was, maybe more. Her face was stained with tears, double coating of mascara ruined and her words of support meant very little when her eyes said completely different things. In the end Blair had to comfort her, and after awhile Serena left her to rest a little and went to grab some coffee with Nate.
When she was almost by the door, Serena stopped and turned to face her best friend "You have a clean robe here, in case it gets cold later," she said, glancing at the purple clothing item lying on the sofa and Blair nodded knowingly, surprised that Serena knew her as well as she did.
Blair allowed herself a minute of rest, one more minute of wondering where he was, if he was okay, before she stood up, put on a robe over her thin hospital gown and went in search for the one person that could calm her down, lessen her pain (not the physical one – medication took care of that, but the emotional one she buried as deep as she could now to keep from falling apart). It took her only minutes of walking around a busy ER to find him.
He was laying on the gurney, strapped in, his head wrapped with gauze that was covered in blood, his whole right side was colored in that awful red. His eyes were closed. There was no knowing smile on his face and in his eyes that would tell her everything would be okay, that she would be alright. There was only silence that was finally broken as his hand fell down lifelessly and she felt her heart finally break.
The noise around her became unbearable as the beeping of the machines increased and the doctors rushed to his side, talking fast and in a language she found hard to understand, to comprehend. Words like 'cardiac arrest', 'heart failure' and 'no pulse' were the ones she could never, ever associate with him so at the time she was absolutely certain she misunderstood something. Maybe it was her pain medication messing with her mind or the exhaustion that she quickly became aware of as someone tried to pull her back from where she was standing. Try as she might she couldn't get away and go to him, her legs feeling as if they were made of led, as if they were not her own. Someone was holding her up and when the curtain closed before her, hiding him away that someone finally let her go and she felt her knees go weak as she fell to the cold floor and some horrid sound tore from her throat, the tears fell so fast everything was a complete blur and no amount of blinking helped her see the person that was trying to pull her in his arms.
She could feel it though, every muscle of those hands as they wrapped around her small body, every long, thin finger making soft circles on her skin and wish for different hands, fingers that knew every part of her better than she did. Standing there, so close to Chuck, she never missed him more. He was right there in front of her and yet he wasn't. Even when he was in L.A and she was in New York she felt closer to him than she did now as he lay motionless a few feet away.
She didn't care for soothing words whispered in her ear, because they weren't his (and damn it he was supposed to be here to comfort her) and that only made her cry harder, for the man she loved with all her heart that lay there with no heart beat, for the baby she never had a chance to meet, for the happiness that was so close she could almost reach it before it was cruelly taken away. The more she cried, the worse she felt and even breathing became difficult. Someone was whispering in her ear "Shhh... Just breathe... Just breathe. In and out. In. Out." and so she closed her eyes and tried to focus on that. Tried to not think, not feel just focus. Do what she was told.
After all, she was good at that.
When her breathing evened out, when her chest didn't feel as if they would explode, all she could hear was quiet whispering around her and nothing else. No machines, no doctors, no big medical words overloading her tired brain. She opened her eyes and through the tears saw there was nothing in front of her. No bed, no doctors, no blood staining the white tiles of the hospital floor.
He was gone.
Slowly, she became aware that in fact she was lying on the cold floor in her thin hospital gown, the hem of it riding up high on her bare thighs, with Nate holding her in his arms, looking at her with worried, tearful eyes. "Blair..."
She stood up on unsteady feet, batting his hands away, wiping the tears from her cheeks furiously as she looked around at Serena and Dan and Lilly standing with Rufus a few feet away. "No. Don't. Just...don't."
Nate said nothing. Serena stepped in quickly, taking her by the hand and said in that soft, measured tone, as if she was talking to a child "Blair, you should go to your room. You just had a miss..."
"Where is he? Where is Chuck?" she asked, cutting her off quickly. She didn't understand. No one did.
"B, you have to lie down. You..." Serena tried.
"I don't have to do anything until you tell me where Chuck is." she said, determination shinning in her tear stained eyes. No one was sure where she was finding the strength to speak in such a commanding way, to stand there when only minutes ago she was falling apart. The only thing giving her away were her hands that were shaking so badly she chose to cross them over her chest, right by her heart that was beating so fast she thought any minute now she would pass out. Not before she found out about him though. Her heart wouldn't be able to rest otherwise.
"Chuck is in surgery. That's all we know I promise." Serena relented finally, her words offering little comfort. But he was alive. And for now it would do. She hasn't lost him too. Not yet.
Not ever, if she had any say in the matter.
She's already lost too much. They both have. Too many people they cared about, family, too much time.
-CB-
The hours passed, ticked away slowly, painfully.
Serena sat by her side, in her short Marchesa dress and ruined make up. Nate resorted to pacing up and down the room and Blair feared he would wear out his shoes or her nerves that were thin already. Just as she was about to ask him to take pity at her fragile state of mind and stop he excused himself and went in search for some more caffeine leaving the two girls alone. But before that they've both asked her, begged her to get some rest even though they clearly couldn't do the same.
They were all hurting in their own way, fearing that any moment now someone would come and let them know that possibly the most significant member of their little Non Judging Breakfast Club was gone. She knew all this too well and for that reason alone she wanted to try and get some sleep, if only to avoid looking at Nate's red rimmed eyes that told her how much he feared losing his best friend even as he tried to stay strong for the two girls he grew up with.
But every time she tried to close her eyes, the image of the paparazzi chasing them, of his loving eyes, of the warm hand pulling her close (the same hand that fell so lifelessly beside that bed) as he whispered in her ear "It will be alright." just moments before the crash. She held on to that promise even now as her eyes snapped open and she tried so hard to block out the fell of his warm hands wrapped around her, his dark eyes, the promise remained, taunting her.
She wanted to laugh at her friend's suggestions, but it came out more like a sob and Serena hugged her for the hundredth time that night, telling her it would be okay. There it was again, that reassurance.
The truth was, she didn't know if it would. No one did.
Well, maybe someone did know.
As much as she tried, Serena couldn't help her, Nate even less so. None of them could, despite their best wishes. After hours of excruciating waiting and turning in her bed, crying until she lost her voice, she decided to turn to the only one that had answers, that knew if Chuck's promise to her would come true.
It was for that precise reason that Blair Waldorf ended up in a chapel, turning to God, after quite a long time. The last time she went to church, it was because of him too, ironically enough. If Chuck knew that he was the reason she visited the house of Lord, not once but twice, he would laugh and make some racy comment, she was sure. And probably advise her to make better use of her free time in the future.
But desperate times call for desperate measures and this was hers.
No sacrifice was big enough for the man she would love not until the day he dies but until the day she dies no matter what fairytale she ends up living or what part of the world she goes to. He sacrificed so much for her, his own happiness, his own desires and wishes. Everything, to make her happy.
She owed him as much.
"Let him live." she pleaded for the first time in her life, on her knees, with hands pulled together so tight it hurt a little. Blair Waldorf didn't beg for anything. Ever. Anything she wished for, she got, served on a silver platter. Being selfless was not who she was.
Then again, neither was he.
And somehow he still let her go. So, maybe she could do the same.
She damn well would try her hardest if it meant he would live.
"I promise." she finished with a thick voice, sealing her fate. Something settled on her chest, heavy and unrelenting.
She took a breath and stood up slowly, a sharp pain in her stomach making her pause for a minute. It was then that Serena rushed into the small hospital chapel to announce breathlessly "He's awake."
Her heart felt too big for her chest then, her mouth pulling into a smile despite the pain and she knew it was all worth it. Her world felt like her own again because he was in it, one way or another. Maybe she'd be in Monaco and he'd stay in New York and she'd miss him terribly, but he would be there, only a phone call away and that was enough (and it was surely more than she dared hope for only moments ago).
She smiled at the small cross at the altar and mouthed a thank you.
-CB-
That same night she allowed herself one last indulgence in a form of a small visit to his room, when everyone has left to get a few hours of sleep and let him do the same. He was asleep, the morphine and quite a few other pain medication keeping him away from her, but making it possible for her to come here and see him, touch him without technically breaking her promise. Her delicate fingers touched his cheek slowly, running down the edge of his jaw and over the scrapes and bruises as tears gathered in her eyes.
If it wasn't for the bandages and the few bruises he would look just like he always did, like he hasn't almost died, like she hasn't almost lost him for good. Like his heart hasn't stopped beating and hers still worked stubbornly even as it broke into so many pieces she was sure she'd never put them all together again. He looked the same and she could almost pretend it didn't happen and plant a soft kiss on his lips, whisper I love you. I will always love you, one promise she knew she'd always keep.
The problem was, she worried he would keep his too.
-CB-
Early next morning, Serena came to her room in jeans and an oversized sweater and dark bags under her blue eyes that no foundation could cover, an accessory that was popular among the friends and family of Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf that early winter morning. Serena sat on her bed since there was plenty of room and confessed to her that she saw Chuck last night when he woke up and that the first thing he asked about was her. Despite everyone's efforts, he wanted to see her even though he clearly couldn't move even his hand let alone leave his room and Serena felt obligated to share that piece of information with her best friend as if it would mean something to her.
It did, of course it did but she couldn't let that detour her from her promise.
Serena was visibly surprised Blair didn't have anything to say to her confession even as she chose not to comment. She just continued to talk about some irrelevant things, to distract her because she could see she was upset but her mind was stubbornly stuck on Chuck. She kept picturing him lying in that bed and asking not for his family, or maybe more medication, or anything else but asking for her.
"He would do it you know?" Serena said after awhile.
"Do what?" Blair asked innocently.
"Found a way to come and see you. Even if it meant wheeling him on that bed all the way to your room but fortunately he fell asleep before he could offer to pay the insane amount of money to his nurse for a 'favor'." Serena said with a sad smile.
Blair stared at her incredulously, as if she didn't believe it was the truth when they both knew it was. They both knew him as much just like they both knew she couldn't stay away any longer.
She couldn't stay away in the past, and God knows she has tried, more than once. So how could she do it now when he was lying in a hospital just a few feet away, barely conscious after hearing his first conscious thought was her, after he practically told her last night he would go to the end of the world and back if she wanted him to (Switzerland, Tokyo...) or even stay here, in New York and face whatever it would came their way.
Serena smiled knowingly and stood up to help her put on her purple robe she brought in this morning from the Waldorf apartment and quickly escorted her to his room. Maybe she was breaking her promise, maybe she was being weak but reasoning was something she couldn't do when her heart pulled her the other way.
He was always the stronger one. And this was the one time she didn't mind being the weak one.
He looked tired when she finally gathered enough strength and came in, face as pale as the room he was laying in. But when he looked at her with the half hooded eyes she knew in her heart – It would all be alright now.
When he saw her standing there by the door he swallowed, licked his dry lips and actually grinned.
He tasted cherries.
(the end)