Love Her Madly

I have this weird thing with music lyrics or song titles being the name of things, like in Degrassi so the title is from The Doors' "Love Her Madly"

Fine, she said no to moving back in, I expected that, I don't like it but I can live with it for now. Well, technically it wasn't no so much as she's dragging her feet and I think they're also getting cold and will ultimately grow into roots and nothing will come from this, despite the way she said she loves me…Her eyes were so deep, that smile I love creeping across her lips and warming me as I moved closer and she said "I love you" I turned into a puddle of love struck goo.

I'm walking on egg shells with her. The world is getting scary to her, too real, too raw and even though he's a religious official, I want to ring Father Ray's neck. I knew what I was getting into and it's breaking my heart to know that she's still so conflicted even though we both agreed that taking it slow was the best way to go. I don't want to say or do something that she's not ready for, even though I'm suffering through the simple things. I'm grateful for them, the holding hands, the eye contact, the hugs but I just want to kiss her, I want to give her a kiss that tells her everything she needs to know, everything to make up for when words fail. I want to pull her towards me the way I did when I was trying to make a point about how people saw our relationship. I'm embarassed to think that I lost a bit of that edge the moment I said I was in love with her, but let's face it, saying I'm in love with you at the grave of a man you both loved is quite edgy. I want to dive in and just love her and watch her putter around the house doing laundry or cooking or playing with Emma. I love watching her folding laundry. I know, it's stupid but it's the way she lovingly folds everything like she's so happy to have a place to sit and fold laundry, something that's hers. She's so set on the task she doesn't notice me staring at her, then again, maybe she does and she likes knowing that I don't see anything else in the room but her. I like taking the things she just folded and unfolding them because it gives me something to do with my hands and I love how she squints her eyes at me, chastising me for ruining her folding mojo but she never gets mad, she just takes whatever it is and re-folds it, watching me out of the corner of her eye. I do it because I don't have the strength to stop myself when I'm around her. When I got back into Springfield, all I could think about was running to the farmhouse, kick down the door and pull her into my arms. I wanted to smother her with kisses and feel her fears disappear because even if everyone whispered behind our backs and to our faces she would know that I would die for her, that I loved her far beyond anything that words or actions could convey.

Instead, I sat in bed and listened to her voicemail over and over again, kicking myself for not acting on my first instinct before taking care of Beacon business.

I think she knows that there are tiny hairline fractures around my heart every time she says something beautiful to me or every time she looks at me and it scares her to know that she could destroy me at any moment; I don't think she's ever had power like that over anyone before. Maybe she did with Gus, maybe she had him wrapped around her delicate fingers and that's why they married. Maybe she knows how much power and command she has over the people around her. I think she knows what she's done to me and she's feeling the same thing and that's what scares her; I'm more than willing match her with that innocent first time love that I see etched into her features every time I stop by for sandwich classes, or at work where I take way too much time to do things because I'm busy staring at her.

Studying her.

Committing every square inch of her to memory because I'm afraid at some point, she's going to want out of here, out of my life and if I'm going to suffer under the weight of something as heavy as loss, I want to know that the thing that's killing me is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I watch the way her hair falls into her eyes, the way she casually brushes it back, the way it frames her face in a perfect halo. I watch the way she blushes when I walk into a room. I watch the way she bites the inside of her cheek whenever I touch her shoulder or take her hand. I died a little bit when she sighed into my neck when I got in, her arms wrapped so tight around me, my fingers entangled in her hair. We stood there, wrapped up in each other for what felt like forever, getting lightheaded from how tight we held each other, from the deep inhalations we were taking of each other's skin. I had to let her go because I was afraid my heart would give out from too much excitement. She stood there, that radiant smile on her face, never leaving, never fading, never dimming while I stared at her, hoping to God that I wouldn't be the one that caused anything terrible to happen to her.

She was folding laundry when I got in and I wanted to grab the clothes she had already folded and make a mess of them, just so I could watch her fold them while she gave me the side eye. Instead I sat there, listening to her while she told me that she told Doris just enough for her own personal comfort level, my heart banging in my chest beating out this is going to happen this is real this is real over and over against my ribs. She told me how she missed me and how living with her was the best time and closest thing to a family she's ever known.

I moved closer as she said "Ever since I told you…"

"Ever since you told me what?" I press, moving closer to her, our knees touching, my eyes holding hers intently.

"That I love you."

I died.

I pulled her close to me, wanting to kiss her deeply but not wanting to scare her away and hugged her tightly, a deeply intimate sequel to the hug we exchanged moments ago.

I feel on top of the world, like nothing is going to stop me and even if the road back to the farmhouse is bumpy and full of doubt and missteps, I'm more than willing to go through all of them just to be under the same roof as her.

"I told Father Ray."

Guilt is stamped on her face and I can see her back pedaling on everything. Those little hairline cracks turn into fractures and I feel pieces of my heart falling apart in my chest, tears welling in my eyes. She tells me it's best to take it slow, "I want to do it right." All I can hear is, I'm still so scared and I don't know how to handle the way the world changes when you defy its perceived logic.

I'm sitting on my bed, trying my best not to cry myself to sleep, disappointed that I didn't bite my tongue and keep my words to myself. Two steps forward just to stumble and fall on the ground. It's not over just yet, it's not, and she just needs time that's all. I'm willing to give her the time that she needs, just as long as she keeps me around and let's me be a part of her life. I'm willing to give her anything she wants.

I'm kicking myself because I didn't say what I wanted to say, what I needed to say. I should've told her how much I love her, how much I melt whenever I'm near her and how much I just want to sit on the couch with her and love her madly.