The New Oracle

A/N: By Neko Kuroban and Sister Grimm. This is set in a little world where Apollo didn't want Rachel to be the Oracle, either because she wasn't hot enough or because she wasn't chaste or whatever. It's crack! Involves a clear-sighted yaoi shipper.

Apollo leaned back in his chair, chewing on the cap of a pen. He was attempting to pen a 'wanted' ad to run in the New York Times. "Damn it," the sun god grumbled, at a loss for words. "Who even reads these?" Personally, he usually just skipped to the comics. This was like having an actual job. All the gods knew he hated anything resembling work.

"And Hermes was no help. 'You should have just let the Dare girl do it, but she wasn't 'chaste.' If you ask me, you and your twin have an unhealthy fixtation on hymens—'" Apollo ceased mocking his brother, unwilling to deal with the possible seriousness of that statement.

In the end, he settled for:

Hot boy with car seeks perceptive teenage girl for internship at family summer camp. Live-in benefits and a chance to meet interesting and innovative people. Working knowledge of Greek mythology desired. Meet at lobby of Empire State Building Saturday at twelve noon.

"Good enough," he mumbled and handed it off to his grown-up brother.

X X X X X

Apollo had been waiting for about two minutes when Stephenie Y. Clark showed up.

The girl was about fifteen, maybe sixteen. She was mousy, he supposed, but there was an overall pretty shape to her delicate features and her eyes were a charming shade of blue. Freckles dotted her nose, but her skin was overall clear, and green glasses sheilded her eyes. Overall, she looked as if she would age well, but she wasn't the kind of beauty that was held up as example and extolled in modern high school.

In fact, she didn't look as if she fit in in any kind of gathering of average adolescents. Her clothes were new looking, but she wore them as if she were awkward in them, constantly rearranging the fabric. Her hands were stained with ink, and she carried an oversized notebook under one arm. Her hair was pulled away from her face with a headband, but when he looked closer, he saw that the headband was adorned with imitation cat ears. She looked like the sort of girl he often saw at conventions; the kind of girl who could be found wandering through Otakon with bags of merchandise, doing para para dancing at Anime Expo, raising her hand at Comic Con to ask Joss Whedon questions about Angel and Spike from Buffy.

Not that he went to cons.

He had a rep to maintain, after all.

...okay, so he did. But only to scam on chicks.

However, he could seem some kind of potential there, especially in the way she gazed at him. She looked barely interested in his looks; her gaze was distant, as if she were living solely in a universe of her own devising. Another time, he might have been insulted. At least this one might be okay with the eternal abstinence thing. As long as she can see through the Mist, then we've hit jackpot...

He crossed the room, stride graceful and easy. "Hey." He offered a disarming smile; his body language was open and friendly but not too friendly. It took an effort to cut back the charm; he usually only met ordinary teenage mortals when hitting on them. Hopefully, this one did not get the wrong idea.

"Hi?" Her gaze was dissecting him, piece by piece, taking in his golden hair and wide blue eyes. "I'm, um, Stephenie Clark?" She was an uptalker. Even her statements rose up into questions. "And you are?"

"Apollo," he answered. "There are some preliminary tests I have to... run, to make sure you'll be suited to the internship position."

She wasn't paying attention to his words; her face had lit at mention of his name. "Apollo? Like the Greek god of the arts? And truth and prophecy and homosexuality and music and oracles? That sort of thing?"

He jammed his hands in his pockets, the picture of casual grace. "A lot like that," he admitted smoothly, glad that she had been able to get down to business.

"Oh my God!" She squealed, her voice going high-pitched and shrill. "That's so cool!"

Apollo preened a little, flattered by her sudden attention. "Thanks. Why do you say so?"

"He's a total bishounen, and you just know he's such a uke!"

Apollo blinked...and then sighed, realizing. "Yaoi?"

Stephenie nodded, obviously pleased. "I think he's kind of into topping from the bottom. After all, for the ancient Greeks, he was the epitome of the 'beloved youth.'"

Apollo nodded, trying not to preen. It had been way too long since he had talked to anyone who had understood his proper worship.

"But he and Hermes..." the girl trailed off, then continued, growing in vigor, "They would be so cuuute together!"

Apollo half-choked a little, trying to imagine Hermes's reaction if he were here. Maybe the god should have been offended or scandalized, but the idea of Hermes witnessing this conversation was too amusing. Besides, it wasn't as though Apollo had been born yesterday... or even last millennium.

"It requires a drive to Long Island," he told her, amused.

"Sure! My parents are out of town, anyway." Stephenie agreed, adjusting her cat-eared headband. "Have any good CDs?"

X X X X X

The first hour of the drive was filled with small talk, though Stephenie began to dominate the chat when the conversation somehow turned her interests. She was what could only be called a shipper. Her head was filled with countless, improbable couples: Balthamos and Baruch from His Dark Materials, as well as Aziraphale and Crowley (and, okay, Apollo could see that one); Harry and Draco from Harry Potter ("So cute!" She squealed, "I can't believe J.K. Rowling didn't put that in! I mean, Sirius and Remus were practically canon!"); House and Chase and Wilson from House, M.D. (Apollo couldn't see that one quite as easily); Jack and Ianto from Torchwood; Roy and Ed from Fullmetal Alchemist; Naruto and Sasuke from Naruto; and Light and L from Death Note.

Apollo stopped listening somewhere around Gravitation, and, by the time she hit Prince of Tennis and Princess Princess, he was singing along to the showtunes echoing from the small radio. (Unfortunately, Rent only served to remind her that she liked Mark and Roger, too.)

Apollo valiantly resisted the urge to bang his head against the steering wheel. He did, however, come across the fact that she shipped Chiron with Dionysus, as well as Zeus with Poseidon. The first made him bite back a burst of laughter, but the second made him gaze uneasily out at the East River then to the sky, where storm clouds were gathering, uneasy about whether the girl would incur the wrath of his father and uncle.

X X X X X

Stephenie saw the camp clearly, a fact which flooded Apollo with relief. Otherwise he would have had to come up with a cover scenario to make up for the fact that they were in the middle of a romantic, lovely but otherwise perfectly ordinary strawberry field. When he had asked if she had ever dated anyone, she had looked at him strangely and replied, "I don't have much time left for boys. They belong with each other, you know."

The sun god was amused yet disturbed, as well as positive that the young girl was insane. He made a note to assure that Aphrodite's path never crossed with Stephanie's. He didn't want to have to keep the Delphi headquarters in the attic again.

"Chiron!" Apollo called as he parked the sun chariot, leaving the car more on the manicured lawn than in the circular driveway in front of the Big House. "I've got a new candidate for the Oracle."

"Ohmygod!" Stephenie exclaimed. "You're a centaur. This changes everything!"

Chiron blinked. "Strange choice of words, girl. Tell me...have you ever seen strange things before? Monsters?"

The girl nodded eagerly. "Uh-huh! Like this old one-eyed dude that was trying to convince this snake lady? I thought it was just an after affect from watching all twenty-six episodes of Evangelion and the Sailor Moon movies in a marathon viewing with my best friend! It was super cute, though."

Chiron blinked. "I'm Chiron—"

"I'm Stephenie Y. Clark. You know I totally ship you and Dionysus, right? There's just so much debauchery in Greek myth! Almost as much as in Revolutionary Girl Utena. It's great!"

Chiron looked at Apollo. "Are you sure she's not insane?"

"Oh, yeah. She is. But not in the way you're thinking. And, Chiron, there was debauchery. Good times, good times. I miss those days."

Chiron shook his head.

"Anyways!" Stephenie broke in. "Let's...um...get up to the attic?"

Apollo looked at her, leveling her with a piercing amber gaze. "Did you have a vision?"

"Nah. I just like attics. My first books were V. C. Andrews's novels."

Apollo's shoulders shook with repressed laughter. At least nothing she sees will shock her.

"So, about the job..." Her eyes narrowed. "Does it pay?"

The young god shrugged. "We can hook you up with a subscription to Newtype, Anime Insider, and Shoujo Beat."

"Is there Internet access?"

"Free and private," Chiron assured her.

"Okay!" She agreed brightly. "What do I have to do?"

Apollo scrawled the oath on a Taco Bell napkin he had located in the glove box of his chariot.

Stephenie read it silently, eyes scanning over the text. "Sounds all poetic and stuff! Cool! So..." She recited it carefully.

The mummy opened its mouth, and Stephenie fell to the floor.

X X X X X

And thus the camp had a new Oracle.

"So, if I have to remain a virgin forever, does that mean I can't write slash?"

"Of course you can write slash," Apollo told his new, unorthodox priestess. "You just can't act it out."

"And do I get paid for these visions? How often do they happen? What if I get hurt? Do I get worker's comp?"

"Um... we'll negotiate a living allowance. And Chiron can feed you."

"What about art supplies?" She nagged.

"Uh... ask Hermes." He shrugged. "I'll be in touch, Stephenie. And Chiron, no one is allowed to kill my Oracle. I don't care how much she may... irritate you."

THE NEXT INSTALLMENT:
Percy's brain breaks.