I DON´T OWN SON!
THE TOWER
What can you say about someone who doesn't understand what it is to hear a thought, who can you be when you get that lost. Feels like the non turning wheels in your head are about to burst into tears, because of the lost time you spend pursuing nonexistent emotion in your nonexistent lovers. That is really you in the bottom, you just (once again) can´t seem to see it.
That's what I finally understood about myself once I passed the land of self perception that brought me to where I am today, because there was people who told me that by getting to know myself and the ones that surrounded me, I would get to really know me, and love me. But they were wrong. Because the more I learn about myself and the others, the more I want to change them, and me. Is it because of the freaking models that I been told to fallow all my life? Or is it because of my sociopath self that won't find peace until I feel absolutely complete among the emptiness that surrounds' me?
I woke up today to find myself in a foreign place, with no land to look at, I take in the unfinished walls around me and the door that´s standing beside it´s place to be, a suitcase by my side that serves me as a closet, and a little night stand with nothing but a half way down coke (without any gas in it) upon it. Feels like I'm centuries away from myself, as I drawn my thought to stand by memories, those that I left with my real been far, far away in a forgotten place called home.
I stand from where I'm Laing and grab a towel, then jump in the shower. It is uncomfortable enough to be at other people house hold, but it is worst when you have no doors at your bedroom (or bathroom) and the shower is made only with glass, so as you can figure, anyone can just get in and see me naked, hell yeah, that´s just…super. To say that I'm more than uncomfortable would be an understatement. So as I finish my daily "cleaning", I get out of the shower and get dressed with the first thing that I pick up from my "closet" and put it on. It dosen´t really matter if I just do that because my suit case is in a serious lack of variety. it goes from turtle neck coats to…pretty much the same shit but in different colors, so my advice in this case would be, never let your mom pack for you cause they get crazy just throwing all of the "pretty new clothes" they just bought for your pretty little trip, but they always seem to forget to add the important things like bathing suits, or, more socks, or even a nice t-shirt that doesn´t scream "hello! My mom dresses me every day!" Big. Fucking. Mistake.
As I finish drying my hair then throw a few things in my back pack and go down stairs to make myself something to eat. I walk into the kitchen and find my host mom Debbie cleaning some things. "how is it going Ashley, did you sleep well?" yeah sure, if you call sleeping well being unable to sleep most of the night because of the freaking cold piece of shit you like to call guests room. "Yeah pretty much, how was work?". "Oh, it went well, the usual thing, nothing new", Debbie said while washing her hands and sending me a tired smile.
Debbie is a nurse at the New Plymouth hospital center nearby. She usually works the night shifts so I really don´t get to see her that much, cause she sleeps trough days and stays up all night on said days. Actually it´s 7 am right now and she must be just coming home. She is wearing a tired face and a white coat with a little plastic item with her name in it, she moves slowly as if she were exhausted. Who wouldn't? "Well Ashley, you know where we keep the bred and the jam, you can find some peanut butter in the refrigerator and please make yourself at home". She says as she walks away to her bedroom. "Ok, thanks' Debbie!", I say as I watch her go, then proceed to collect all the items to make some Pb&j sandwiches (peanut butter & jam to be more exact) and put extra jam in them, I just love jam, it´s nothing like the shit I eat at home, the chocolate milk is also a LOT better, and I think these two things are among the few good thing that I like from this trip so far.
I say this because when I first got here, it was kind of hard to get used to my surroundings, if we consider that I got a cold, then burned my tong with hot coffee, and that the bedroom where I'm staying is still under construction and looks kind of messy, plus being away from my family and friends, well…you do the math.
When I finished packing my breakfast and lunch, I exited the door and made my way to school. Outside there's a bright and shiny sun, but it´s still a little cold, as I walk through the streets I memorize little details to know where I am and if I'm going the right way because my host sister Tessa didn't came to school with me, she doesn´t have to be there until 10 am but I had to be there earlier because of my "Chilean activities". I pass nearby some kind of candy shop and get in to see what kind of sweets they have. I buy some over sugared worms of different colors and shapes and put them in a little white paper bag. I continue my way to school looking at my watch every 5 seconds because I know that I'm late and I don't want to get there and see that everyone else has gone somewhere else. As I get to the place where we were supposed to meet, I see that there´s no one around that I know, then curse a little and take sit in a bench close by.
I look at the people walking by, probably to their respective classes, and wonder if there´s anyone kind enough to just get close and maybe talk to me so I can be less alone. It dosen't happen. What the hell was I thinking when I agreed to come on this bloody trip, It´s been only 4 days and I already want to go home (insert sad face here).
After half an hour just sitting there I grab my lunch bag and take out one of my Pb&j sandwiches and start munching away. As I'm concentrating on this difficult task I feel a weigh added against the bench and look to my left from the corner of my eyes to find a girl dressed with a light green hoodie, dark jeans and light blue and white sneakers. "Hi, I'm Spencer" she says to me. I look at her with my non expressive face and replay a simple and monotone "hey" back. When I said I didn´t wanted to be alone, I meant it, but I didn´t thought that SHE was going to be the one to sit by my side. I know this girl, I've never talked to her before but I know fairly well who she is. Back at home there were rumors about this girl and her faculty to break hearts. She is a sophomore at my school and came with me in this exchange along with 12 more students from sophomore to senior. I´m a junior by the way.
Well the rumors that I heard back home where that this girl was kind of skanky and cheated on her sophomore boyfriend with one of my junior friends. Plus she has been known for dating a lot of guys and never sticking to one of them.
"Why aren't you in class" she told me with a huge smile planted on her face as if I were a clown or something. "I got lost" I simply replied in a monotone voice and directed my attention back to my sandwich as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. A minute passed in silence and I was getting my mood again until she spoke again "me too, what's your name?" she said while looking at me intently, more like staring. "Aren´t you supposed to know that by now?" I told her and looked at her with a face that reflected surprise and uneasiness at the same time; she was definitely not my favorite person at the moment. Plus, I was warned not to befriend her so… "Yes, but I just wanted to do a proper introduction since we haven't talked before and all" she said shifting a little from side to side in the bench, giving me my precious personal space back. "Yeah sure", was all that popped in to my mind. Not that it was necessary to say something else.
"So, what is it" she said once again. "What" I told her a little annoyed and send her a harsh look. "Your name" she smiled again. "Ashley" I replied and looked at her strangely as if she were some kind of alien. "I'm Spencer" she raised up her hand for me to take and send me a beaming smile. I looked at it for a moment then back to her, then back to her hand again and took it in my own "nice to meet you Spencer" I said while we shook hands, a little smile forming itself in the corner of my lips. She was trying at least for all that I cared so, why not.
REVIIIEEEEWWWW!