Missing you

I sat by the side of the bed and smiled brightly at the person lying in it.

"It was a beautiful ceremony, Regan looked so happy. I can't believe she graduated, I still remember when she used to ransack through my cupboards looking for candy."

He squeezed my hand, "I wish I could've been there."

"So did she, she kept saying that it wasn't quite the same without Granddad."

"Well, she's young, she'll get over it."

I chuckled softly, "I don't think so Xander, she missed you so much today."

He smiled, "You'll all have to get used to missing me."

I paused, "Don't say that."

"C'mon Cordy, you know I don't have forever, we may as well talk about it."

I pretended I didn't hear him, "Are you comfortable, does your pillow need fluffing?"

"Don't think I don't know what you're doing, and it won't work, I haven't been married to you for 52 years for nothing."

I looked him in the face, trying not to giggle, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Very cute. Seriously Cor, we need to talk about it."

I sat down, teasing over. "I don't want to talk about it, I don't think I could bear missing you. We've been through too much together."

He nodded in agreement. "The Hellmouth, graduation-"

"-Marriage, four children-"

"-Ten grandchildren." He patted my hand, "We've had some good times, and you'll have good times after I'm gone."

I shook my head; "I don't think so."

At that moment a nurse bustled in and smiled brightly at us. "Hi Mr. Harris, Mrs. Harris."

Xander was a favorite of all the nurses, always telling jokes and wild stories. The young nurse picked up his file and pursed her lips.

"Would you like more morphine Mr. Harris?"

He nodded shortly, "Please."

I studied my hands with great interest.

"I'll just go get it." She left the room.

"Are you in a lot of pain?"

He shifted uncomfortably, "No, I just like the high."

"Liar."

"Cordelia Chase-Harris, you're going to be the death of me."

At that, I looked down and sniffed loudly, trying not to let him see my tears.

"Oh honey, come here"

I lay my head down on his chest and I felt his papery lips brush the top of my head. "It's okay."

I sat up and rubbed my eyes, "I think we've got it wrong here, I'm the one who's supposed to be comforting you."

He laughed, and I reveled in the sound, "I don't think there are rules, but if you feel you have to." He let it trail in the air.

"Xander, for a man your age, you certainly have a dirty mind."

"And for a woman your age, you're still hot." Inspite of myself, I felt a blush creep up on my cheeks.

He suddenly started hacking and wheezing, and the mood was heavy once again. I moved my hand to call for a nurse, but he waved his head no. Slowly, it let up, and he smiled shakily at me.

"See, no biggie."

I nodded, "Right."

For a moment we sat in silence, before I surprised both of us by talking. "What do you think heaven will look like?"

He looked at me surprised, but just shrugged, "I dunno, maybe a lot of girls skipping around in Lycra." I snorted, "Of course none of them will compare to you," he added hurriedly.

I smirked, "Damn straight."

A pause, "Say hi to Buffy and Giles for me okay?"

A sad look passed over his eyes, "Of course I will." "And then I'll wait for you, cause you know, heaven isn't heaven without my Cordy."

I nodded, and bent over to kiss his thin forehead. He yawned, "I think I'll have a little rest now, wait up for me?"

"Of course."

Smiling, he leaned back and closed his eyes. And I sat there, holding his hand.