The pub was starting to fill up and Craig smiled contently to himself. He loved spending the Saturdays out in Dublin. All kinds of people had dressed up and come out from their caves, it seemed. They were no longer students or housewives or office workers or librarians or shop assistants or whatever; they were just people enjoying themselves. The summer had almost started - he only had one exam left before he had finished his first year in Uni and could take a proper vacation. Maybe he would go to Barcelona or Ibiza or Australia for that matter. As long as it was far away.

Craig had gotten quite used to Guinness during the last year and enjoyed the feel of the beer running down through his throat, warming his insides. He drank slowly while he let his eyes wander the room when a tall dark figure at the other side of the pub practically demanded him to stop. He was probably five years or so older than Craig, black and dressed in a tight white shirt that really brought out the color of his skin, not to mention the swelling muscles on his upper arms. A little diamond (probably fake) reflected the light and flashed on one of his earlobes. Craig had always found eardrop on men a bit silly but it really suited this guy, even making him almost burst with masculinity. And then, even though a crowded room separated them, it seemed like the man could sense Craig's fixed stare and turned his head a little and then their eyes met. He was definitely attractive, Craig thought, while feeling a sweet sensation in his stomach as the dark stranger smiled and raised his glass towards him in a flirty toast. Craig cast two quick glances to each side before lifting his glass back while blinking.

"And what exactly are you doing?"

Craig jumped on his stool at the sound of the voice from behind and ended up spilling beer on his jeans. "Oh, dam it!" he exclaimed.

"Don't worry, I'll wash it for you, babe. But only if you tell me who you were flirting so discretely with!" Donna came into sight and gave him a quick kiss, before turning and maneuvering his arms around her waist. "So, Craig," she said with a teasing voice. "Who's the lucky lady?"

Craig felt a little relieved but still ashamed by his own carelessness. "You know I never look at anyone but you, Donna," he said and placed his chin on her shoulder.

"You liar!" she laughed. "I saw you raising your glass, I'm not blind you know. It was her, wasn't it?"

Craig looked at the lady she had pointed out. She was undeniable pretty, dressed in a very tight red dress and standing five feet or so from the dark stranger.

"Um, yeah," he mumbled.

"Well, why shouldn't you? She really is gorgeous," Donna concluded, and Craig was struck by how relaxed his girlfriend really was for maybe the hundredth time. She was in any other way very much like him: good at coming up with creative ways to earn some quid, hot-tempered, spontaneous, usually horny, and cunning. But even though they had been going out for ten months now, her calmness concerning Craig's looking at other women, still surprised him. Of course he failed to mention that it was mostly guys he was looking at these days.

"There are some gorgeous blokes here as well, you know," she said in his ear.

"Oh, really?" Craig said, feeling a bit of the old jealousy rise in his stomach.

"Oh, come on, babe - as long as I only watch it's got to be okay, or what? I'm sorry but it's not like I'm blind just because I'm dating you, Craigy." And she gave him a peck on the cheek.

Craig couldn't help but laugh. "So then, tell me!" he shouted over the increasing volume of the music. "Point this 'gorgeous bloke' out for me."

Donna turned around in his arms and gave him a strict look. "I won't tolerate any violence!"

"Oh, come on, I'm not gonna kick his ass, I'm just curious!"

He saw a teasing glint in her green eyes before she leant closer. "Behind me. Twelve o'clock. The dark guy by the door."

Craig swallowed hard when he recognized the same guy he had been flirting with a couple of minutes earlier.

"Don't worry, he's nothing to you, sexy," Donna said, misunderstanding his concerned look, before kissing him. Craig kissed her back with all he could, in that special way he knew made her senses spin. It didn't take very long before she was trembling in his arms and he was pleased, needing to get laid now. When he let her go, she stepped back a bit, panting with lips red from his hard kiss. Then she tossed her long, black and shiny hair over her shoulder, before turning on her heel and marching of. Craig saw her burning eyes and quickly followed on this secret signal, forcing himself not to take another look at the stranger by the door.

The young couple barely reached their little flat two blocks away, before they were at it. He tore at Donna's clothes already in the staircase and her shirt was of before they even got inside. Once the door closed behind them, he lifted her up and carried her the short way to the bedroom where he had his way with her until she screamed his name.

He spent a long time in the bathroom afterwards, first doing the necessary preparations for the night and then just staring at his reflection in the mirror.

Every night thousands of people drive themselves crazy by lying in bed, thinking about the choice they made that one time, the choice that changed everything and how things could have been now if they had made a different decision back then. Every night, thousands of people are tearing their hair out, thinking about the one that got away, the one that were but aren't anymore. Thinking about these things can really ruin a man's life. And that's why Craig Dean looked deep into his own, brown eyes reflected in the mirror, murmuring one single commandment to himself:

"Don't."

Not one night passed without this ritual and he wasn't sure it helped. But in the arms of Donna, he at least felt safe and harbored in a way. This strong, beautiful girl sheltered him from a lot of things.

Including himself. Snuggling against her warm body he sent a silent prayer to whoever who was listening, praying for the blue eyes to leave him alone just this one night.

Of course it was too much to ask for. He already knew that.

He had just got his usual morning coffee from the nearby café and looking at his watch, Craig realized that he was a bit behind. He would not allow himself to flunk an exam just because he was late and slowly he increased his speed as he headed towards the university. He moved in a morning daze and it took a while before he figured out that the annoying ringing came from his own cell phone, buried in his pocket. Looking at the display, he recognized that it was Jack who was calling and answered to say that this wasn't a good time.

"Jack, hi," he said, not trying to hide the annoyance in his voice

"Hello Craig," his stepfather answered. "Um, how are you?"

"Well, it's ten minutes till my last exam so maybe we should quit the chatter and just get to the point, Jack."

"Oh, that's today? Well, maybe I shouldn't have called you now…"

Craig got an uneasy feeling. It dawned on him that Jack usually wasn't a person to pick up the phone and call someone at eight o'clock in the morning. There was probably not a nice or pleasant reason to why he suddenly did. "What's wrong?" Craig breathed.

"Um, maybe I should call you later, son."

"Tell me, Jack!" Craig demanded. His voice was trembling as he continued. "Is it Jake? Steph?"

"Your mother really didn't want me to call you, so-"

"JACK!"

Craig's outburst at least quit the elder man's babbling and he fell silent for a moment.

"It's young John Paul, son."

Hearing that name, that wonderful, terrible name, the name that hadn't been said out loud by neither him nor his family in almost a year, gave Craig a start and he stopped in the middle of the street so abruptly that he lost his coffee cup. Not caring about the warm liquid that was now soaking his shoes, he just stood there.

"Craig? Are you still there?" Jack sounded confused.

"Yeah, yeah…" Craig said, fearing the rest of the conversation. "What's happened?"

"Well, I don't know all the details, but there was a car accident. A really nasty one, too."

Nausea rose inside of him. Oh my god

"He's in coma, son. Got hurt pretty seriously. The rumors say that they're not even sure if he's gonna wake up again," Jack explained with a low voice as if they were having a very private conversation.

"Wh-wh-what?" Craig's voice was trembling badly again and it broke on the middle like it always did when he was shocked.

"I'm sorry son," Jack said sadly. "I just thought you should know, since the two of you were so…um…close once."

Craig couldn't answer. He couldn't even think. In a daze he hung up on his stepfather and stepped out of the pile of coffee, continuing to walk towards the university. He didn't know how, but suddenly he found himself sitting in a large auditory together with 50 other students, an assignment placed before him on the desk. All he had been able to see after his conversation with Jack was those two blue globes that had been haunting him ever since it all ended. And by the time he reached the university, the globes had fitted into a soft face, accompanied by red lips and blonde hair. Sitting here now he had difficulties trying to make sense out of the letters on the sheet of paper. They all kept blending and all he could see was a certain face, now placed on top of a strong body that he once knew better than his own. After a year working hard to erase his earlier friend and lover from his mind, after a year with evening rituals where he whispered "don't" to his reflection in the mirror, John Paul had in a few minutes managed to ease his way back into Craig's mind. Memories flashed through his whole body, memories of hurt and anger but also of passion and friendship and love. Lines they had said to each other, manifestations, gathered in front of his inner eye in an ice-dripping poem…

You're my brotherI'm in love with youThe best mate I've ever hadDo I know youAnd breatheI want youWhen I'm not with you I think about you all the time It's not just about the sex - I love you What do you want, CraigThis thing we have between us, it can't stopI know I deserve moreDon't leave me

He could see John Paul McQueen so clearly now, it was like this veil of fog had lifted and scenarios he had fought hard to forget and lock away were playing in his mind: the very first time they had met back in school, the way John Paul always had his earphones plugged in, the safety he felt in his presence, his jokes, his laugh, the way his blue eyes always sparkled, the feel of his body against his own, the kisses they had shared; so uncertain and always clumsy in the beginning but later they become both hard and soft at the same time, bringing life to them both.

Craig had seen things in pictures during his whole life - it was his way to understand things, to deal with the twists and turns of life. John Paul was locked away in another world now, walking in the shadows, not knowing which way to take.

For the second time in his life, Craig Dean arose in the middle of an exam and left the whole thing with only one person on his mind.

"Dam it, this takes too long!"

He felt Donna, grabbing his arm. "Hey, you're gonna have to relax, honey - we'll get there when we get there."

Craig turned from the window and looked at his girlfriend. All though he had insisted that she didn't have to come back to Chester with him, he felt a bit calmed down looking into her green eyes.

"It will be all right, you know," she said and kissed him softly on the lips. He rubbed the back of his head uneasily, something that he always did when he felt the world closing in on him. Bringing his girlfriend back to his hometown, a village that contained so many memories he had never shared with her, hadn't been the best idea. But Donna hadn't really given him any choice and maybe it was a good thing having her there, to make sure he didn't fall back into…old patterns.

"What was his name again? John something?" he heard her ask.

"John Paul."

"And you were really close?"

"You can say that."

"How come you've never told me about him, then?"

Craig turned away from the window again and met her quizzically gaze. He knew that he had the perfect opportunity now; to come clean, tell her his last and biggest secret, but as usual the coward in him took over and he just mumbled something. "It ended kind of nasty."

"Why?"

"Look Donna, I really don't want to talk about this now, okay?" He didn't mean to snap and saw that she looked slightly hurt. "I'm sorry," he said and squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry, Donna, it's just a bit too much, all of this, you know?"

Donna smiled comfortingly back at him. "I understand, babe." She placed her head on his shoulder and together they watched the clouds outside the window.

But she didn't understand, how could she, when Craig hadn't been completely honest? She knew that he had had a really intense relationship back in Hollyoaks and assumed that it had been with another girl, which of course was partially true. The worst thing was that if he had told her about his and John Paul's history, she probably would have been cool with it, but as everyone else she would have started to question his sexuality - was he gay? Bi? And that wasn't a question he wanted to answer. Craig Dean was straight, that was who he was, who he wanted to be, and he knew it was ridiculous but frequently flirting with other guys out on pubs and the fact that he had a sexual relationship with his best mate once, didn't make him weaken his grip on this image, this shield. Actually it only made him hold on harder.

"Don't" he silently whispered and he imagined he could see his reflection in the window nod slightly.

Author's note: What do you think? Should I bother to continue?