BeJeweled Genitalia
By Ellie
Disclaimer: I'm doing this for my own entertainment. I don't own the Gilmore Girls. Please don't sue. I have nothing. Also the BeJeweler is a registered trademark. I did not invent that either.
A/N: The story takes place probably in season 2 or 3. I started this a while ago, but Real Life took over and I just recently finished it.
Lorelai parked in her parents' driveway, closed her eyes, and just sat in her jeep for a moment. She'd had the day from hell. Actually, she'd had hell's day from hell. It all started when she woke up an hour later than she planned because her damn alarm clock hadn't gone off. Then the camisole that went with her only clean suit had mysteriously disappeared, and she couldn't wear the jacket without anything underneath because it was cut just low enough that every time she leaned over she would be giving the guests a free peep show. Lorelai finally just pulled a white t-shirt out of her closet and put it on under the jacket. It didn't look quite right, but she reasoned as long as she kept her jacket buttoned no one would (hopefully) know the difference.
She arrived at work to discover that two of the maids had called in sick with the flu that was going around and ended up spending a good part of the morning pitching in to help make the guests' beds. The afternoon had been just as bad. Lorelai had to stop Sookie from killing Mrs. Killebrew, who had repeatedly sent her lunch back for various reasons. Right before she had left to go home and change for Friday night dinner, one of the guests had come down complaining about a strange odor in his room. Lorelai and Michel had searched high and low for the source, but found nothing and finally had to move the gentleman to another room. By the time that fiasco had ended there had been no time to change and so Lorelai, after a quick stop for some much needed coffee, drove straight to her parents' house.
Lorelai opened her eyes, took her coffee cup out of the holder, and took its lid off to see how much was left. At that moment a loud knock came from her window. The noise startled Lorelai, who jumped and spilled the coffee all over her jacket.
"Damn it!" she moaned and then looked out of the window to see Rory standing there with a bemused expression on her face.
"Mom, are you all right?" she asked.
"No," Lorelai took a calming breath and got out of the jeep. "I'm definitely not all right. I'm this close to a complete and total breakdown."
"I'm so sorry."
"No, it's all right. I'm cursed today. It's not your fault that fate decided to use you as a tool in my destruction." Lorelai started to take off her jacket. "I can just hear my mother now, 'Well that's what you get for driving with a drink in the car. Really Lorelai, I don't know why you're surprised. You're so irresponsible blah blah blah de dah.' Did any of the coffee get on the shirt? I could just wear it and leave the jacket out here."
Rory looked closely at Lorelai's shirt to try and see any coffee in dim light.
"Oh my God!" Rory gasped.
"What?" Lorelai asked and looked down at her shirt.
"Is that a rhinestone penis?" Rory asked, pointing to the middle of Lorelai's shirt.
"No, no, no, no! I did not put this shirt on today!" Lorelai exclaimed as she banged her head on the jeep.
"Mom, why do you have a shirt with a rhinestone penis on it? Where do you even buy a shirt with a rhinestone penis on it?"
"I made it," Lorelai said in a small voice.
"You made it! With what?"
"Well, I couldn't sleep one night and so I went downstairs and watched some infomercials and there was one on the BeJeweler. You can put rhinestones on anything. It came with the rhinestones and patterns and it just looked so easy. So, I ordered one."
"It came with a penis pattern?"
"No. I made that pattern myself. I got bored with the ones that it came with and I had been drinking some margaritas and I thought, 'Why the hell not?' I never planned on wearing it in public -- just around the house to shock you."
"Well, Grandma's about to get the shock of her life."
"Are you insane? She can't see this! I'm putting my jacket back on."
"Mom, she's going to make you take the jacket off as soon as you get in because of the coffee stain."
"I'm not taking this jacket off! If necessary, I will die with this jacket on."
"Grandma will make you take it off."
"Not if I'm just wearing a bra underneath," she said as she started to pull the shirt over her head. Rory grabbed her arms to stop her.
"Mom, you cannot take off your shirt in Grandma and Grandpa's driveway! What if a neighbor sees you?"
"You're right. I'll take it off in the jeep." Lorelai turned to enter the jeep when a voice stopped her.
"Girls, what are you doing just standing here?" Lorelai looked over her shoulder and saw her mother standing in the entryway. She put her jacket on as quickly and unobtrusively as possible and turned around to face her mother.
"Mom! Nothing. We just got here. How are you doing today?"
Emily snorted as she gestured for Lorelai and Rory to follow her back into the house. "That moronic maid is driving me up the wall. Your father is in San Francisco and all I asked was for her to … Lorelai, what is all over your jacket?" Emily frowned as she peered at the stain.
"Oh, it's nothing Mom. I just spilled coffee on myself. It's nothing. So what did that darn maid do again?" Lorelai asked, desperately trying to change the subject.
"I've told you a million times that you shouldn't eat or drink while you're driving. You're lucky that you didn't get into an accident. Take off the jacket so Colette can treat the stain."
Lorelai could feel the color drain from her face. "Mom, it's fine. You don't need to do anything."
"Lorelai, I don't want to be staring at that dreadful stain all through dinner. Take it off."
Lorelai looked down at her shoes, trying to think of one logical reason that she could give her mother for not taking off her jacket that didn't involve wearing an obscene t-shirt. Unfortunately, her normally active imagination failed her at this point. She looked back up at her mother and saw the questioning look in her eyes.
"Is there something wrong?"
Lorelai screwed up her courage and began to talk. "Mom, I was running late this morning and the shirt I would normally under the jacket was missing and so I just grabbed a shirt out of my closet to wear, and I swear I didn't realize until I got here and took off the jacket that the shirt was not something you would appreciate me wearing in your house." Lorelai paused for a breath and saw the frostiness enter her mother's expression.
"You wore an obscene shirt into this house? You wore an obscene shirt to work?" Emily asked, her voice getting louder.
"Not on purpose Mom, I swear it, and I had my jacket on all day and no one saw anything."
"Take off your jacket," Emily said as she crossed her arms.
"Mom …'
"No, Lorelai, I want to see this t-shirt that you're so ashamed of that you don't want me to see it. It must be really vile after some of the other things that I've seen you parade around in."
Lorelai got angry as her mother glared at her, and she began to unbutton her jacket.
"Grandma …" Rory began, but Lorelai interrupted her.
"No Rory. Mom wants to see what horrible thing I've brought into her house. Fine. You want to see it, then here it is," she tore her jacket off and stuck her chest out so that her mother could get a good look at it. Emily stared at the rhinestone design for a moment, not immediately recognizing it. Lorelai could see the exact moment when her mother realized what was on her shirt.
"Lorelai Victoria Gilmore! I cannot believe that not only would you own a shirt like this with an impressionable teenage daughter in your house, but that you would go into a store and buy it where people could see you!" Emily exclaimed.
"Oh, mom I didn't buy this in a store," Lorelai said, a little triumphantly.
"Really. Did you get it off of one of those pornographic internet sites that I hear about?"
"No, mom. I made it. I bought the white shirt and the rhinestones and the BeJeweler and put it all together. I came up with the penis design myself."
Emily was struck speechless. She took several breaths and then finally spat out, "Who are you?" she screeched. "I don't know you at times, Lorelai. I raised you to appreciate the finer things in life – not this sophomoric penis humor."
"Well mom, I guess it's just one more story that you can add to your 'The Times Lorelai Disappointed Me' journal that you keep. God, it must be twenty volumes long by now!"
"Here you go again. You do something that is incomprehensibly vulgar, and somehow it's put on me as one more instance of my ruining your life. I just … I just don't know you at all, Lorelai!" Emily ran out of the room and into Richard's study.
Lorelai sat down and put her face into her hands. "Why couldn't she just let it go? Just this once."
"Mom, Grandma is who she is," Rory said as she sat down next to Lorelai.
"I know. I just wish she could have accepted my apology and let it go, but that wasn't good enough. She needed to see it so she could have one more thing that she could hold against me." She stood up and went to the drink cart to make herself a martini.
"Mom …"
"I know, I know," she said resignedly. "I'll go make peace with her. I just need a little fortification first." Lorelai poured herself the martini, saluted to Rory, and drank it in one gulp. She put the glass down and stared resolutely at the study door and marched toward it.
She knocked briefly and then opened the door. Her mother was on the phone. Emily put the phone down when she saw Lorelai, her expression enigmatic.
"Mom, I honestly did not wear this shirt to annoy you. And I never had any plans to wear it in public."
"I just don't understand why you would make such a thing."
"Rory was at Lane's spending the night. I was alone. I made a pitcher of margaritas. It was late. I was bored. I had the BeJeweler. The rest is history." Lorelai sat on her father's couch. "I've had a bad day, and I'm sorry that I yelled at you out there. I also didn't mean to shock you with the t-shirt." Lorelai smiled a little. "You should have seen my face when I realized that I had accidentally grabbed this shirt this morning. Rory had to stop me from stripping in your driveway. She didn't think your neighbors would appreciate it."
"I'll have to thank her." Emily shook her head and gave her daughter a rueful grin. "Apology accepted," Emily said. "I'm also sorry that I lost my temper. It just seems at times that you enjoy horrifying me, and I thought that this was one of those times."
"Mom, I have to admit that I do, on occasion, enjoy shocking you. This was not one of those times. Shocking you accidentally is no fun at all for anyone."
Emily sat down next to her daughter. "Lorelai, be honest. You thought of my reaction when you made that shirt, didn't you?"
Lorelai sighed and looked at her mother. "Ok, the stray thought of you coming over, looking into my closet and being horrified by it did cross my mind. But I never had any plans to actually wear it to your house. And after tonight, this shirt is being burned. I wonder what happens when you burn rhinestones?" Emily smiled at her daughter's question.
"You'll have to tell me. Come on. I'll give you something appropriate to change into while Colette treats your jacket. I refuse to stare at your shirt all through dinner.
"Fine. Just so long as it's not too Nancy Reaganish."
"I'm sure we'll find something that you can stand to wear during dinner."
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
Lorelai and Emily stared at the window from where the noise was coming from.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
"What is that?" Lorelai asked. At that moment a loud clanging noise could be heard from the front doorway.
"Oh, no …" Emily began.
"What?"
"Mom!" Rory ran into the study. "A man in a tow truck looks like he's going to take the jeep."
"What?"
"Oh, no." Emily said again.
"Mom, what did you do?" Lorelai asked her mother.
Emily didn't answer, but instead ran out of the study towards the foyer and out the front door. Lorelai and Rory followed close behind her and saw Emily confront the tow truck driver.
"I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake," she began.
"Listen lady. We got a call from a Mrs. Emily Gilmore saying that some person that she didn't know had parked their jeep in her driveway, and she wanted it removed immediately."
"I'm Emily Gilmore, and, as I just said," she paused a moment to read the driver's name off of his shirt, "Joe, there has been a mistake. This is my daughter's jeep."
"You don't know what your daughter's jeep looks like?" the man asked a bit snarkily.
"Of course I know what my daughter's jeep looks like," Emily responded.
"Lady, I don't know what's going on. I do know that it's a Friday night and I do not take kindly to prank calls."
"It wasn't a prank call. It was a misunderstanding. I'm more than willing to pay the tow fee anyway."
"I was just about ready to go home when I got the call. I've had a very long day. Technically this was a prank call, and I'm supposed to report it." Joe looked at Emily expectantly.
"All right, all right. I'll double your fee. Are you happy?" Emily asked.
"Let me just get the paperwork for you to sign, Mrs. Gilmore, and I'll be on my way," the man said with a smile on his face as he went around to the driver's side of the truck.
Lorelai stared incredulously at her mother as she finished up with the driver.
"You were going to have my jeep towed?" she asked as they walked back inside the house.
"I was upset and wasn't thinking clearly, Lorelai. I admit that it probably wasn't the best idea I've ever had." Emily responded a little defensively.
Lorelai gawked at her mother for a moment before she burst into laughter. "Probably?" she asked.
Emily watched her daughter for a moment before a little bubble of laughter escaped through her own lips.
"Mom, I've got a deal for you," Lorelai said, as she caught her breath. "You won't ever mention the penis shirt again, and I won't ever mention the fact that you pranked a tow truck company. Deal?" Lorelai extended her hand. Emily paused for a moment and then took Lorelai's hand and shook it.
"Deal," she said.
Rory watched her mother and grandmother through laughter of her own. "Just so long as I can mention this to people. This is a great story."
"Rory…" Emily began.
"Hey, I can be bribed. But be warned. I'm not as cheap as Joe."