A/N: Please Read This Before..Reading. People, this is an extreme parody with bits of historical humor and insanity thrown in. If you are in a serious mood.. click the back arrow. This story is meant to be funny, far fetched, and impractical. Taken lightly, it is. Please do not read into it; trust me, you won't find anything. Reviews are welcome, constructive criticism is also accepted; but please, nothing about how its illogical or stupid as my only reply will be 'Duh'.
On to the next note. The 3 main characters are loosely based on Shakespeares. I simply took their most noticable personality traits and multiplied them. Sir William Raleigh may very well be a real person, if so there is NO connection.
My rantings are done for now. If you've made it this far, congrats, and enjoy reading my short story. :)
" The Quest for the Holy Blanket."
Sir William Raleigh was never one for austerity. His manor home resembled a castle, filled with priceless paintings and sculptures, oriental rugs, and large libraries of precious, and untouched, books. He and every member of his family, his wife and two children, had 3 servants each, and each servant in turn had their own servant.
It should come as no surprise then, that when Sir William's young son, Thomas', favorite blanket went missing, Sir William utilized his rather large pocketbook to buy the help of 3 famous crime fighters.
The trio of Mercutio, Benvolio, and Tybalt, more commonly known as the Three Fou Amigos (3 crazy friends), the most famous and feared crime fighting team in all of England.
Sir William quickly summoned the Three Fou Amigos to his manor in Hereimrich, England, and gave them their assignment.
" Hello Gentlemen, and Welcome to Raleigh Manor. I.." an exaggerated pause as he puffed out his silk clothed chest, ".. am Sir William Raleigh, Lord of all you see and most of what you don't."
" Sir Raleigh," began one of the men as he stepped forward. He was tall and powerfully built with red hair and piercing blue eyes. " Allow me to introduce myself and my companions. This here.." he exclaimed extravagantly pointing to a tall, dark-skinned and dashingly handsome lad in his early 20's, ".. is my good friend Tybalt."
Tybalt bowed with a graceful flourish and a " pleased to make your acquaintance," followed by, " I am Tybalt, archer extraordinaire, dragon slayer of the east, lion killer of the south, reindeer.."
" And this here," the man cut in, " is my cousin, Benvolio," pointing to the other young man with sandy brown hair, a soft sweet face, and lean physique. Benvolio bowed his head respectively in greeting as the man continued.
" And I am Mercutio, leader of this motley crew and highly decorated swordsmen."
" Welcome gentlemen, welcome. Please be seated."
After the customary tea and biscuits and complimentary foot massage by the royal foot massager, Sir William continued with business.
" Now gentlemen. This task I have for you is of the utmost importance and is to be completed with the utmost haste. Are you ready for such a commitment?"
" Dear Sir, we never back down from a challenge," Mercutio stated.
" Very well then," he took a deep breath, " I wish for you to find the filthy, vile, pox ridden culprit that stole my dear son Thomas' blanket."
A general gasp of astonishment and horror greeted his statement.
" Horror upon horrors," exclaimed Tybalt.
" Who would commit such a heinous crime upon the young soul of a child," mourned Benvolio.
" What devil would dare steal from the child of Sir William Raleigh?" protested Mercutio.
Tybalt gasped. " The DEVIL. He's behind this. I'd know his handiwork anywhere. I almost captured him in the steamy jungles of Ethiopia once, but he managed to slip away just in time, aided by a demon leopard which I then proceeded to strangle with my two bare hands."
" Poor misguided leopard," Benvolio lamented as Tybalt continued to dramatically act out the scene.
" Where was this blanket last seen?" asked Mercutio.
" Alas, I'm afraid I do not know. Perhaps Thomas can tell. Pierre will you get Thomas," he asked, or rather ordered, Pierre the butler.
" Certainly sire," he bowed and left.
With an exasperated sigh Sir William exclaimed, " Good help is so hard to find, nowadays. What with the peasant uprisings and all. For some reason, they believe they are entitled to ridiculous things like food and firewood."
" How dare those ungrateful peasants," Mercutio chimed in.
Within moments, the four foot tall, stick of a child that was young Thomas Raleigh stood in the room; his big blue eyes wide as he took in the strangers, wraithlike in the pale of his skin and against his black hair.
" Thomas, son, tell the nice men what happened to your blanket."
" It.. it was stole.. stole.. stolen by a.. a.. a. mean man," Thomas sobbed.
" Poor child," Benvolio cried as he rushed to comfort the trembling boy. " He's traumatized."
" No, not shock," Tybalt exclaimed as he drew closer to the child. His eyes went wide and he suddenly drew away as he yelled, " He's POSSESSED. Back away gentle Benvolio before he eats you. Oh what a horrible process. I've seen it before in the wintery plains of Ketchikan where the devil assumes the shape of a round man made of snow and drags his unsuspecting victims into his embrace, injecting his spirit into their unwilling bodies and creating an army of possessed slaves.."
" My son is NOT possessed," Sir William angrily interfered.
" He's right Tybalt, leave the child alone. He meant no harm sir," Mercutio added to Sir William, " ever since his 'expedition' out the tower window he's never been quite the same."
Sir William gave Mercutio a disbelieving look, then turned to fix Tybalt with a piercing glare only to find the man in question with his head out the window, barking to the dogs below on the lawn.
" What is he…" Sir William began, and was cut off by Benvolio's comment, " Shouldn't we be trying to help this poor child, not discussing Tybalt's escapades."
" Of course, where is my head," Mercutio exclaimed. He turned to Thomas who was still held in the comfort of Benvolio's arms.
" Thomas lad, can you tell us the last time you saw this blanket."
" 'Twas yesterday afternoon, right after my nap." he yawned.
" It is time for Thomas' nap now."
" No father, I cannot sleep without blankie."
" That is true, he was with us all last night, bit of a hindrance in my romantic life.."
" I understand completely sir," cried Tybalt as he rushed back from the window, " I once had a.."
" TYBALT," yelled Mercutio.
" Yes, no more, young ears are listening," Benvolio added while covering Thomas' ears with his hands.
" What are you two on about, I was going to say double chocolate chip cookie. It was divine," he said as he pretended to drool.
" Father, may I have a cookie."
" No son, not until after dinner."
" But I'm hungry," whined Thomas.
Sir William rounded on Tybalt. " How DARE you speak of such succulent things as cookies and make my darling son hungry. You sir, are a disgrace to the sacred group of divine beings that is man."
" I, a disgrace. That's hilarious coming from a man in a crushed velvet and silk shirt and ruffled breeches, and… what's that I see. Lace, is it."
" How DARE you insult my clothes, you insane maniac."
They continued to bicker while Thomas cried for loss of cookie, Benvolio attempted to comfort him, and Mercutio, not distracted by the verbal spar, continued to search the room for clues.
The animosity between the two men soon reached the boiling point as they each reached for their weapons.
A knock on the door quickly ended their argument as they both hurriedly tried to make themselves presentable.
" Enter," Sir William said in his most dignified voice.
A shy maid entered with a curtsy. " Your wife wishes an audience milord."
" I'm busy, tell her I'll see her lat.." he began when the door crashed open and a tall, thin women with a perfectly made up face, manicured nails, and every hair in place entered waving a rather large scrape of cloth.
" WILLIAM, can you BELIEVE the impudence of the staff. To imply that THESE," she furiously waved the cloth, " were MY undergarments."
" Undergarments, eh," replied Tybalt as he grabbed the offending cloth. " That reminds me of the time I rescued the golden cloth of ChingJingMing from the crazy jungle man, Tarzan was his name, of Mongolia," He began using hand and body motions, " and we wrestled for days on end until I managed to snatch the sacred cloth off the ungrateful cretin and return it to.."
" SHUT UP," roared Mrs. Raleigh at the unsuspecting Tybalt. She snatched the cloth and rounded on her husband. " William, I demand punishment. The maids are to be whipped, the laundry mistress hung by her toes in the South Dungeon, the.."
She was cut off by a yell from Thomas, as he raced out of Benvolios' arms, grabbed the end of the cloth and pulled it from his mothers grasp.
" His blanket," Sir William gasped.
" Well, I'll be. It wasn't lost after all, just getting a good scrubbing."
" As I predicted all along.."
" You thought the devil took it."
" That was a sarcastic insinuation my dear Benvolio. You know that I am always right. For I am the great Tybalt, archer extraordinaire, dragon slayer of the east, lion slayer of the south.."
" Well, that's taken care of then," Mercutio exclaimed rubbing his hands together. " How will you be paying us?"
Sir William looked outraged, then pensive, then he smiled. " How about this," he began. " To dear Benvolio, I give ten pence."
" Oh no sir. I could not.."
" No, no I insist."
" I am honored," Benvolio said with a deep bow.
"And for darling Mercutio, a small knife for which to cut the pig that ten pence will buy."
" Thank you kindly sir. A most gracious gift," Mercutio said, looking a tad put out not to get a bigger sum of money.
William turned to Tybalt and grinned.
" And for your friend Tybalt," he smiled, " I will promise that the insane asylum employees do not get wind of his condition from me, or any members of my household."
Tybalt looked ready to protest, then said, " Fair enough. Good bye fair Maiden, young Thomas lad, and Kind Master Raleigh."
He bowed a dramatic bow and quickly exited pulling his three compadres along with him.
" Well friends, that was an exciting adventure."
" Yes, the way I wrestled the demon out of that poor child, and single handedly found the blanket that led to his salvation. Ah. It shall be remembered for all time."
" Yes Tybalt," Benvolio smiled, " It was indeed exciting."
Mercutio smiled and added, " All in a days work."
The End