Disclaimer:

I am destroying a great piece of history, both real and in literature, and I should be ashamed of myself. But it's damn good fun. Three kingdoms history and its characters are not owned by KOEI. KOEI does not own the three kingdoms anymore than EA owns World War II.

So the world under heaven, after a long period of division, tends to unite; after a long period of union, tends to divide. The Zhuo dynasty divided and became the Qin dynasty. They divided and became the Han dynasty. And then the Han dynasty looked like it was going to divide. You see this black serpent attacked Emperor Ling, and then there was an earthquake and a tidal wave. Then all these chickens got sex changes. So the Emperor was in a bad spot, but his eunuchs told him nothing was wrong. But really they wanted power for themselves. They just didn't quite have the balls to run a country so large. So this doctor named Zhang Jue, who really only said he was a doctor so that he could be a lure young boys into office, met an old man. The old man tried to stop him.

Zhang Jue: I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in old men.

Old Man: Aha! I love your irreverent attitude. Come with me into this cave.

Zhang Jue: While I appreciate the irony, I really don't swing that way.

Now you see the old man was also a doctor, which is convenient because Zhang Jue needed medical attention after being stabbed repeatedly by some old guy for refusing to go into some cave. He woke up an hour later with his wounds magically healed.

Zhang Jue: Wow! My wounds are magically healed! I don't feel any pain at all! Except, my butt feels kind of sore.

Old Man: Umm... pay no attention to that. A slight after affect of my magic I'm afraid.

Zhang Jue: Wow! If I was as good of a doctor, I would be rich. Then I could build my own Neverland Ranch!

Old Man: You too can possess this power. All you have to do is read this book, the Essential Arts of Peace. And you can have it for the one low price of ten thousand catties of gold!

Zhang Jue: Well awesome!

And so Zhang Jue used his life savings to buy the book and became very powerful and rich. He eventually built his own Neverland Ranch, but the powers that be got suspicious.

Cao Jie: This man is taking advantage of children. Only we get to take advantage of people!

Zhang Jue: That's ignorance.

And so faced with the eunuchs knocking on his door, Zhang Jue had to make a decision. He would organize a movement called the Way of Peace. He organized all of his followers and said...

Zhang Jue: The good fortune of the Han is exhausted, and the Wise and Worthy Man has appeared. Discern the will of Heaven, O ye people, and walk in the way of righteousness, whereby alone ye may attain to peace.

And so he gave yellow scarves to all of his followers, and they called themselves the Yellow Turbans. It was short for the Yellow Turban Man Boy Love Association, but that name didn't poll well in the recruitment offices.

He Jin: The yellow turbans are nearly half a million strong. I fear we may lose this battle.

And so recruitment posters were set up around the country to entice people to join the fight against the yellow turbans. "Uncle Liu Wants You". One such poster was put up in Zhuo County. In this county lived a man named Liu Bei. He was a descendant of Emperor Jing, not that anyone cares. His grandfather was governor of Zhuo once, but he lost it and all of the Liu family's possesions in a bet over a game of Wei Chi. As the family had nothing, Bei had to sell straw sandals and weave grass mats. One day, Bei climbed a tree and proclaimed...

Liu Bei: I am the Son of Heaven and this is my chariot!

His uncle, who was an idiot and very rich, happened to walk by.

Liu Yuanqi: Oh my god how are you doing that! That is amazing! There's no chariot, and yet, you are riding one!

Impressed by the child's ability to pretend, Yuanqi gave his mother enough money to live well for the rest of her life. But by Liu Bei's fifteenth birthday, she had spent all the money on her hashish addiction. Bei was kicked out of the house and traveled the land, being taught by such people as Zheng Xuan and Lu Zhi. He also became good friends with Gongsun Zan. Liu Bei read the recruitment sign, and sighed.

Zhang Fei: Sir, why sigh if you do nothing to help your country? I am Zhang Fei, the local butcher, and I say that we raise some troops and fight this menace.

They walked into the market, and there was ruckus. The other butcher in town kept his prized pig in a well, but the well was mysteriously blocked by a large rock.

Liu Bei: Imagine, a rock just suddenly appearing and blocking the well.

Zhang Fei: Yes, imagine that.

Zhang Fei let out a small chuckle. But than this other guy came out of nowhere and lifted the rock up and off of the well. This man was Guan Yu. Yu was from Xie County, and had to flee after killing a local bully, but nobody liked him anyways. When Guan Yu was just a boy, he got a red balloon, and this balloon was his favorite thing in the world. Once, Guan Yu saw the ghost of Confucius.

Guan Yu: Lord Confucius, words cannot express my gratitude towards your teachings, so I give you my most prized possession.

Confucius: I don't like balloons.

And with that, Confucius struck the balloon down with lightning. From that day, Guan Yu no longer adhered to Confucian values. If someone wanted his respect, they had to earn it. In Zhuo, Guan Yu was selling mango seeds. Zhang Fei took a pouch of seeds and crushed it in his hands. He opened the pouch and proclaimed...

Zhang Fei: Look this man is selling nothing but powde...

BAM! Guan Yu punched him right in the face. But Zhang Fei was not weak, he started throwing back punches. The fight heated up, and by the end it had destroyed the entire marketplace and several cows. When it was all over, Zhang Fei and Guan Yu kissed and made up. Then the three heroes swore an oath of brotherhood. They also swore to die on the same day. They had weapons forged for them; Liu Bei got a pair of swords, Guan Yu got his Green Dragon Saber, and Zhang Fei got an eighteen foot serpent spear.

Liu Bei: Don't you think that weapon is bit long?

Zhang Fei: What do you mean?

Liu Bei: I know range is important, but, damn.

Guan Yu: Hey Fei, come over and check out my awesome Green Dragon!

Zhang Fei turned to go over to Guan Yu and the back of his spear cracked Liu Bei upside the head.

Liu Bei: OW!

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