At Your Service, Ma'am

Pain. Pain everywhere. It was all I could feel. I groaned and opened my honey-colored eyes. A thatched roof hung over my head. I knew for a fact that the only hospitals with thatched rooves were outside of the United States. Suddenly, everything rushed back to me. The dark, the voice, and… the falling!

"How the heck am I alive?" I said before realizing something. The absence of cuss words was quite jolting. "Why in the world can't I stinking cuss?" I groaned in frustration before I heard the creak of hinges. I whipped my head to the side to find… a blue-haired man. Really? Since when do humans have naturally occurring blue hair? He saw me and sighed in relief.

"You're finally up. I was worried, kid," said Mr. Jelly Belly. "Your wounds are pretty severe." I looked down at my body to find that I looked like I had just rose from the dead. I couldn't see anything underneath my bandaged body. I grunted and rose from the bed only to fall to the ground. Stupid hypoglycemia. The man instantly started waving his hands wildly. "Whoa, whoa! You need to rest, man! Here, I have some food here." He helped me to my feet and sat me in front of a plate of… something. Too much green and not enough meat for my tastes.

'Don't be picky. You need to keep your strength up,' said my conscience.

I grunted my thanks and began to devour the food. After I finished, I turned to the smiling man. "So, where am I?" The man sighed and motioned for me to follow before thinking better of it and just helping me himself. We awkwardly made our way outside to a rickety group of huts and tents. In the distance, I could make out a large number of buildings.

"That is Orange Town, our original home. However, due to the recent invasion of Buggy the Clown, we had to move to a different area of the Organ Islands," explained the saddened man. However, my brain was still on three words he had said: Buggy. The. Clown.

You've got to be freaking kidding me, man! I'm in the world of One Piece!

I let go of the man and began to jog towards the town. "Thanks for the meal, old man! Needed some meat, though!" I heard shouting from behind me but ignored it in favor of continuing in the direction of Orange Town. That's when I saw it—a massive ship with three cannons on the prow and a Jolly Roger… with clown makeup and a massive red nose.

NO WAY! HOW IN THE NAME OF LOG DID WE GET TO THE WORLD OF ONE PIECE! I NEED AN ADULT!

'SHUT UP! Man, you're so juvenile,' berated my conscience. 'Geez, it's not like Luffy is going to… of course.'

I looked to the sky, finding what I was looking for. A massive pink bird, weirdest thing I've ever seen, was flying through the sky… with a human being in its beak. I smirked as a cannonball slammed into it, knocking the two away from each other. I breathed and continued to make my way towards Orange Town, hoping that I could come up with a plan.

Orange Town

The town was destroyed. Houses were lying in ruin all around me, reduced to rubble. I sighed as I tried to get my bearings. I didn't say anything from the anime at all! No landmarks, no rubber idiots, nothing! I decided that it was time to look at the town from a different vantage point. So, I had the beautifully wonderful idea of climbing a house.

I failed… miserably.

Turns out that video games do make everything look easier. I grunted as my arm gained another scratch from the rough bricks as I reached the roof of a house.

Time to pay big nose a visit!

'How about we don't? Attacking a group of experienced pirates sounds like a stupid idea,' reprimanded my conscience. Wait, reprimanded? Why does my conscience seem to have gained sentience? Eh, whatever. Unneeded details aren't something I need to lose precious time over. I spotted the bar roof where the crew resided. How did I figure that out, you may be wondering? Well, besides the cheering, music, massive circus tent, and occasional flying acrobat, there were no reasons at all to assume that. I dashed towards it, leaping to the next roof… and fell flat on my face.

This is a load of bologna! Just like not being able to cuss… ugh, whatever. I think I'm pretty much over it, anyways.

I finally succeeded at roof hopping but was pretty much out of breath once I reached the bar. I crawled over to some crates nearby and ducked behind them before peeking over them.

Yup, I'm definitely in the East Blue. No way this would be happening otherwise.

A motley crew of various people dressed as circus performers were dancing, drinking, and eating while simultaneously singing a song. It was pretty disgusting. Suddenly, everything went silent. The crowd parted to reveal… an angel?

'That's Nami, you dodo. Stop drooling,' commanded my inner voice, but I was too enraptured by the beauty before me. You know how you always dream of meeting Scarlett Johansson or Selena Gomez in Target or McDonald's? Well, Nami was right here, before my very own EYEBALLS! Her creamy skin shone from slight exertion underneath her blue-and-white sailor's shirt. You know what else showed?

'OI. Focus, idiot.'

Shut up, brain. Let me enjoy this.

My trance was broken when the head of Monkey D. Luffy, the gluttonous captain of the Straw Hat Pirates popped his dopey face over Nami's shoulder. I grinned widely at the chance laid before me. I've always wanted to join the Straw Hats, and now was my chance!

Nami pushed the teen to the ground and said, "I captured the thief, Buggy the Clown. I will return your map, too."

A short figure stepped forward. His blue hair was mostly obscured by a large pirate captain's hat. His face was covered with light make-up, giving him the appearance of a deadly clown. His torso and legs were covered by an orange fur coat with the word "flashy" on the back. He was smiling evilly at the redhead. "I appreciate you bringing it back, but why the sudden change of heart?"

"I got into an argument with my boss, and I'm sick of it. Please, let me join the Buggy Pirate crew!" She cooed in a 'cute' voice. It sickened and melted me at the same time.

'Wow. You are such a sap.'

Ok, this whole conscience thing is getting on my nerves! I ignored my annoying inner voice and watched the pirate crew shove a tied-up Luffy into a cage and begin to celebrate Nami's induction. So, being the sloth that I am, I fell asleep.

BOOM!

An explosion roughly woke me from my dreamless rest. Stupid Buggy Balls. I turned my attention to the cheering crew, noticing Luffy angered face and Nami's terrified one. I gritted my teeth as the cannon was pointed at a now neutral Luffy. My ears were still recovering from the explosion, so I couldn't hear anything until Nami knocked out the pirate who lit the cannon. She threw her hands over the lit fuse, wincing in pain as Buggy ordered her to be killed.

I've got to save her!

'What?! Dude, you're just a normal guy. No special powers, not even a cool fighting style. What are you going to do, may I ask?'

Oh, stuff it, you. I totally got this.

However, I was still disoriented, so I fell on my face once more after trying to leap into the fray. That's when I saw it—the look of pure fear on Nami's face. Something happened in that moment that would forever change my destiny: I teleported. I blurred in front of Nami and slammed my fists into the group of attacking clowns, sending them flying into a table several feet away. I panted, my eyes wide as I looked at my hands. So much for being normal.

"Where did that guy come from?! He just took them all out with one attack?!" cried a frightened pirate. The rest all stopped and began muttering amongst each other as I continued to flex my muscles in shock.

"Who are you?!" asked Nami, eyes wide in astonishment. I turned to her, my face set in a cool, neutral pose.

"Who am I, you ask?" I gave her an extravagant bow. "Screaver Damien Bartel, professional butt-kicker, at your service, ma'am."