Stache Hand Presents:
Gurren Lagann: The Gurren Pilot Who Shagged Me Opening
Disclaimer #1:
The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody and is in no way affiliated with Gainax Co., Ltd., Aniplex Inc., Konami nor New Line Cinema.
The Gurren Lagann intellectual property and it's corresponding material are copyrighted by their respective owners.
Please support the official release.
Disclaimer #2:
The following parody contains glaring contradictions to the official Gurren Lagann character portrayals. Apologies in advance for the vexation.
Kamina, International Gurren Pilot of the Mysterious Heavens, was frozen in 1987 and defrosted in the late 2010s to battle his archnemesis, the nefarious Spiral Villain, Doctorgenome. Joining him was his driller sidekick Simon, whose confidence he would build throughout their mission with teeth gritting and strong belief.
After foiling his powerful enemy's plan to send an explosive super-drill to the very core of the world itself, Kamina banished Doctorgenome to the cold recesses of space in a giant Gunman. Having both grown up over the course of the adventure, Simon departed to walk his own path while Kamina settled down with his future wife, Yoko.
Four years have passed since that mission. Kamina and Yoko have bickered every now and again, but in the end, they would enjoy a good night of making love. Neither of them have heard from Simon in a long time, but that didn't bother the two of them, as they lived a perfectly happy marriage. Now retired, Kamina was certain to live happily ever after.
Or so he thought...
Out in the void of maddening silence that is outer space, Simon was flying around in an astronaut uniform, searching around a satellite. He was looking content with himself when something rose up in front of him. It was a gigantic Gunman. Simon recognized it. It was none other than Doctorgenome's Gunman prison that he was banished with four years ago.
"Oh crap." said Simon, afraid. "Looks like we have a problem."
As he finished his sentence, the backside of the Gunman opened up, revealing a circular hole. A rocket pod shot out of the hole with a loud, flatulent noise. From the direction of the pod sounded an evil laugh that was eerily familiar.
"Well, that was fast." Simon added, with disappointment. He looked at the Earth as the rocket pod speeded towards it in a ball of fire. "Kamina, Yoko, I hope you haven't been slacking off."
Meanwhile, in Kamina City, life has been easy for the people since the defeat of Doctorgenome. Their society was stable, and the buildings looked grand. The streets were busy, and business was booming. Somewhere, in a honeymoon suite, our hero Kamina himself, and his exceptionally beautiful new wife, Yoko, were in a middle of a sweet carnal union. Kamina could be heard from outside the door to the suite, making noises of excitment, while Yoko was moaning and yelling "Yes!" and "Yeah!" constantly.
Inside, Kamina, the man with short blue hair and a bathrobe, and Yoko, the woman with long red hair tied into a ponytail, a black push-up bikini top with a flame design on it and black booty-shorts had finished up their sexy time with a satisfying climax on their wide bed. Their hair was bit messed up, and they were breathing heavily.
"And. I'm. Spent." Kamina panted. "Woo! I must be breaking a record."
"Ever smoke afterwards?" Yoko playfully asked, breathing in and out while pulling out a box of cigarettes.
"I'm sure I get lit, baby, but I never found out." Kamina replied with a smirk, bursting into laughter.
Yoko rolled her eyes at Kamina's humour, but still found herself holding back laughter of her own.
"Oh, Kamina." Yoko laughed. She stroked Kamina's chest with her right hand, exciting him.
Growling like a tiger, Kamina decided to be a bit adventurous and rub Yoko's breasts. Yoko felt a wonderful sensation from her bosom being massaged, though she also laughed at Kamina's rascally action. In return, she reached for Kamina's crotch and rubbed it with one of her silky gloved hands. Kamina reached for Yoko's butt and drummed his fingers on it. The sexual ecstasy overcame the two of them until they eventually gave each other a big, wet kiss. Soon, after breathing heavily again, they calmed down enough to continue speaking.
"So hun, anymore ideas?" Yoko asked, wanting to do something else.
"Easy answer. We shag." Kamina responded, with a big grin.
"Again!?" Yoko talked back with exasperation and surprise. "We've done that ten times by now!"
"Hey, babe, we've gotten this far, haven't we?" Kamina remarked. "Let's go up to eleven and pierce the heavens while we're still here."
"Kamina, it's been great, but there's more to a honeymoon than constant coitus." said Yoko.
"Don't you want to do the wheelbarrow, or the praying donkey, or the Tengen Toppa shag swing?" Kamina asked. "I do."
"Well, my vulva needs a break." Yoko said, getting up from the bed. "How about another drink, Hea-Hea- another drink, Heaven Boy?" Her mouth stuttered and the last words of her sentence repeated like a broken record. She got out of bed and walked over to a nearby alchohol cupboard, putting on some fluffy black slippers. Her lower buttocks, sticking out from her booty-shorts, waved back and forth as she slowly and seductively walked towards the cupboard and brought out a bottle and two glasses.
The sudden looping was brief, but it weirded out Kamina. Did he really see that, or was he just imagining things?
"Uh, Yoko?" he said, concerned for his dear wife.
"Yes, Kamina?" Yoko answered, sweetly. She had opened the bottle and started to pour some of the liquid into the first glass.
"What was that stutter just now?" Kamina asked.
"What stutter?" Yoko asked back, confused.
"I thought... are you okay, honey?" Kamina wondered, scratching his head.
"Of course I am." Yoko responded, chuckling and filling up the glass. "I'm better than ever." She put the bottle down casually, and as soon as it made contact with the counter next to her, it shattered, spilling all the liquid. Yoko looked at the destroyed bottle with surprise, and blushed a bright, red colour.
"I could've sworn... you know what? Forget it." Kamina finished. "I'm just going to see if there's a good show on." He got out of bed and made his way to the television. He stopped for a short moment to ask Yoko "Do you need anything?"
"No." Yoko replied. "Don't worry about me, silly." She went back to the cupboard to get another bottle of alcohol. She poured the liquid into the second glass and put the bottle away afterwards. "You should worry more about yourself." She added, with a sigh.
Over on the other side of the suite, Kamina was sitting down on a soft couch, flipping through the channels trying to find an entertaining T.V. show to watch. Yoko, wearing her own bathrobe, walked over to him with the alcohol and they started to drink.
"A toast to monogamy." Kamina said proudly.
"Here's to our honeymoon and our future." Yoko followed up. The phone rang, and Yoko got up to answer it.
While Yoko talked to whoever was on the phone (probably some friend), Kamina returned to his channel surfing duties. Eventually, after much wasted time, he found himself watching the middle of an episode of an anime.
"Hey, Scissors-2-Scissors." said Kamina, filled with pleasant surprise. "That's my favourite. Oh, but I missed the first part of the episode. Good thing for convenient rewinding during a broadcast, baby." He hit the rewind button on his remote to make the show play itself backwards at a high speed.
While the show was rewinding, something odd occurred at the exact same time. Yoko was going about her day, but in reverse. Her talk on the phone, her delivery of the alcohol, brushing her teeth, putting on her bathrobe, it was all going by at a high speed backwards. Kamina noticed this strange incident, moved closer to Yoko's position and pushed the play button, causing her to move normally again.
"Yoko?" Kamina asked, worried. "What the hell is happening?"
"I don't know what you mean, Kamina." said Yoko, feeling a bit worried for Kamina.
"The stutter, the going backwards, resuming normal motion when I... it's like you're a cartoon character." Kamina stated, lifting up the fingers on his left hand with every point.
"Don't be stupid!" Yoko snapped, walking up to her husband sensually. "I'm the same Yo-" She stopped moving and talking altogether, becoming as still as a statue, when Kamina hit the pause button. "-ko you fell in love with." she finished when Kamina hit the play button again. She walked closer to his position.
"Are you sure, sweetheart?" Kamina asked, freaking out.
"Oh, I see, baby." said Yoko, with a smirk. "You must be missing your action-packed single life and letting the nostalgia-" Kamina pushed the language button on his remote and caused Yoko's voice to change to something that sounded like an alien language being spoken by a deep-voiced woman. He pressed the language button again, and Yoko finished her English sentence with "-get you all paranoid." as her approach to Kamina ended.
Kamina's eyes were wide and his jaw had dropped.
"Oh, Kamina. What's with the face?" Yoko asked with growing annoyance, moving her head back and forth. "You're acting really weird, and it's beginning to-" her speech turned to loud static sounds when Kamina hit the upper channel changing button. Yoko finally noticed that she was being messed with and covered her mouth with her gloved hands. Kamina then hit the lower channel changing button.
"OH MY GOD!" Kamina yelled in shock, dropping the remote on the floor.
Yoko, realizing what was happening, got angry with Kamina and shot him a paralyzing glare.
"Yoko!?" Kamina shouted, fear overcoming him. Yoko grabbed him by a neck with one hand and effortlessly lifted him into the air. He put his hands up to where he was being grabbed, choking and struggling.
"As I said, i'm better than EVER!" Yoko growled. She pulled back and threw Kamina towards the couch. He went flying, hitting the ceiling and falling straight back down. His fall was broken by the couch. Yoko had jumped forward into a series of flips, culminating in a big, acrobatic leap on to the coffee table in front of the couch. She destroyed the table upon impact.
Kamina frantically leapt off the couch and delivered a karate chop to Yoko's neck, but to no effect. His hand got hurt very badly.
"Wow, you'd even hit your wife?" said Yoko with faux shock. "Baby, you got it backwards." She slapped Kamina, causing him to stumble and nearly lose his balance. When his head was closer to the ground, Yoko smacked her butt into his face. The impact, while it hurt, stimulated Kamina's sexual desire and stunned him, making him stand in place like an idiot.
Yoko, seizing the chance to hit Kamina while he was a wide open target and wanting to go for overkill, picked up the couch and threw it at him with plenty of force. Kamina only got out of his trance in time to lean back and dodge it. It crashed behind him, ruining a lot of furniture.
"Damn it." Yoko muttered after Kamina avoided her attack. She walked up to her husband with a cross expression and grabbed him by the hair and neck as he straightened himself.
"I can't believe it!" He lifted his hand up to Yoko's face and clawed at it, managing to tear it off, revealing a metallic, mechanical face surrounded by bolts and wires underneath, with a flexible, puppet-like mouth and motorcycle headlight optics. "Yoko! You're a fembot!"
"Very perceptive." Yoko sarcastically said, her voice now sounding digitized. She snatched her synthetic face from Kamina's hand and placed it back on her head perfectly. "I thought i'd surprise you." She added, her voice back to normal. She pulled Kamina's face into her hefty bosom and hit her knee against his stomach, knocking him down.
"Oh god, that hurts!" Kamina groaned, clutching his damaged gut.
Yoko stood over the hurt blue-haired man and made an evil smile while winking down at him. She slightly raised her bosom and two silver, cylindrical barrels popped out of her bikini top - one from each breast - with a little click.
"Machine gun melons?!" said Kamina, aghast. "How'd those fly by my skull, eh, honey?"
"Perhaps next time, hun, we should start with foreplay." Yoko joked.
"Please be gentle with me, baby." Kamina begged. "Oh crap!" He got up to his feet and made a run for it.
Yoko waved her torso left and right, causing her large, desirable boobs to do the same while she unloaded a hail of bullets from the gun tubes protruding from them. The shots tore the suite to shreds while Kamina ran for cover. The furniture and the walls were being torn down by the impact of Yoko's bosom bullets, as if the bullets themselves were made of something incredibly strong, like tank shells. Even the counter that Kamina tried to hide behind didn't stand a chance against the force of her nipple shots. After some time, Yoko's breasts stopped firing and made another clicking sound, indicating that she ran out of firepower.
"How's that for a wedding gift?" Yoko asked rhetorically, with an alluring pose and a confident smile. "I'm the whole package, baby! Yeah!" With a sexy look, she brushed her hair with her right hand and blew away the smoke from her boob guns. With Yoko's true self revealed, mechanical noises now sounded from her luscious body whenever she moved.
Kamina emerged from his hiding spot, alive, but dirtied up from all the debris and dust. He waved a white flag and comically shed tears of fright.
"How are you a fembot?!" Kamina asked, in disbelief. "I thought it was true love that we had."
"Sweetheart, I had you wrapped around my finger." Yoko explained. "I'm a seduce and destroy bride model, built privately by Doctorgenome." She held her right little finger up to her mouth, something which Kamina recognized as a trademark of his old enemy.
"No way, and your body was so silky, too." said Kamina, impressed by his android wife's trickery.
"I knew you couldn't resist me, Kamina." Yoko continued. "Your libido was your downfall."
"I... cannot dispute that." Kamina admitted, defeated.
"Now what was it you wanted to do? Shag?" Yoko reminded her dumbfounded husband. "Shag me rotten, Heaven Boy!" She tauntingly waved her bosom back and forth.
Kamina pulled out a pistol and emptied it on to Yoko. None of the bullets did a thing. Yoko swiped the gun from his hand and crushed it with her own, dropping it on the floor afterwards. Her next move was to blow at Kamina, releasing a white gas from her mouth that stimulated the sex drive once again. Kamina could do nothing but stand in place like a moron, while Yoko threw a studded belt which automatically wrapped around his legs and knocked him down to the floor.
"Here's to our honeymoon and our future." Yoko repeated from before, as a quiet, slow beeping sound played from her body. "See you there, my love." The beeping got faster and faster, Yoko waved her fingers down at the incapacitated Kamina and she gave one last, devilish chuckle. Soon, the beeping turned into a building electronic sound and Yoko's head began to shake erratically with sparks bursting from every angle of it until finally, she exploded with enough fiery force to turn the already partly tarnished suite into a completely burnt wreck, destroying even the doors, windows, walls, ceiling and floor. The hallways, the rooms next door and the outside world were revealed, and furniture from the room above had fallen down to join the rest of the remains.
Despite the destructive capacity of Yoko's explosion, Kamina was still alive, but terribly burned all over. He managed to snap back to reality just before Yoko blew up and roll away to avoid taking the full brunt of the fireball. The studded belt around his legs had been destroyed, allowing him to get back up on his feet.
"Oh thank god." He said, feeling all over his own body. He looked all over what was once the lovely honeymoon suite. "Damn, is that any way to divorce somebody?" He looked among the wreckage until he spotted a gloved left hand leftover from his robotic wife, with a wedding ring being worn on the ring finger and wires hanging out of the wrist area. He picked it up and began to feel very emotional.
"I can't believe it." He started. "I truly can't believe it. I can't believe Yoko, my dream girl, my companion, my bride, my one true love, the woman who made me a man, taught me the beauty of monogamy, showed me the real meaning of living in this cruel world and gave me all the sexual enjoyment I ever needed, was a fembot... all along." He looked at his late wife's hand and sighed. "What will I do now? How am I supposed to go on without her? What will Simon think of this?" He walked off with Yoko's hand still in his own.
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away in a volcano lair, at some point later that same day...
"Doctorgenome." began a half-crocodile, half-armadillo creature with an eyepatch. "Several years ago we invested in a small tea company within this tropical region. Top of the line tea at perfectly affordable prices." He continued, walking towards a large man with a sharp-looking beard. "Delicious. Which gives me an idea. If we shift our evil organization towards tea shops, we can make five times, even ten times our regular profits."
"I appreciate your enthusiasm, Number Guame." said the large man named Doctorgenome, half-heartedly. "But this is my organization, i'm the leader, so it's my call, okay? I need you to respect that!"
"I didn't mean it like that, sir." Number Guame responded. "I'm just thinking pragmatically, and to our benef-"
"QUIET!" Doctorgenome shouted, blowing Number Guame away with the force of his vocals. "There will be no impudence here!" He paused for a moment and cleared his throat before turning to another part of the room, where an overdressed, blue-haired, big-breasted woman is sitting. "Adiane Adibissina, how's it hanging?"
"Well, Doctorgenome, I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name." replied the woman named Adiane Adibissina. She tilted her head towards a tall woman with long, black hair, enormous eye brows, a white suit and a perpetually straight face. "Over here is my girlfriend. Her name is Minatzuki. We met at a tennis game."
"Welcome, Minatzuki." Doctorgenome greeted. Minatzuki smiled a little, happy to be there.
"In other news." said Adiane, raising her index fingers. "I have just received word from our spies. Your fembot, which I figured out you built yourself in private while I was still working on my definitive models, has carried out her mission. Yoko has defeated Kamina, but at the cost of herself."
"Ah, Yoko." Number Guame muttered, thinking dirty thoughts. "Though she was mechanical, that girl was a perfect symbol of eroticism."
"Are you sure?" Doctorgenome asked, ignoring Number Guame. "Did you check for a body?"
"Er, no, Doctorgenome." Adiane replied honestly, but nervously. Doctorgenome gave her a look of disappointment.
"By the way, during your time imprisoned in a Gunman, we took on the process of cloning you, sir." Number Guame stated.
"Really?" Doctogenome responded, curiously.
"Dramatically reveal THE CLONE!" Adiane commanding, screaming the last two words with ear canal damaging force.
Number Guame pointed to a door, with a button next to it. The silhouette of a creature that looked huge and imposing, just like Doctorgenome, stood on the other side of the door. Doctorgenome himself became very interested in seeing his clone, while the clone waved to him. Suddenly, a huge bush of what looked like long hair came out of the clone.
"They're exactly like you in every single way - the perfect copy." Number Guame announced, as he pressed the button. The door opened to reveal that the clone was actually much smaller than expected, and actually looked not like Doctorgenome at all. "Except the exact opposite gender, and a lot more delicate." Number Guame added. The clone was an adorable young girl.
"Hello, Doctorgenome." said the girl softly. She wore a pink, red and white ribbon on her head full of curly, light blue and pale blonde hair and a matching pink, red and white dress around her body, with various kinds of gold, red and green jewelry. Her eyes had blue irises with pink, flower-shaped crosses for pupils. "They say i'm your offshoot."
"Awe-inspiring." Doctorgenome remarked, pleased by his clone. "I shall call her... She-Me."
"My name is Nia." the girl corrected.
"Cool, but i'm the boss, so from here on, you are She-Me." Doctorgenome explained.
"OK." Nia, now named She-Me, agreed immediately without complaining. She walked over to the large man she was cloned from and sat beside him in a little command chair.
"You're getting a pay rise, Number Guame." said Doctorgenome, to the creature's approval. "OK, just to catch you all up, every time I hatch a scheme, Kamina thwarts them no matter what I do. Ladies and gentlemen, no prizes for correctly guessing why."
"I don't know." answered a blonde-haired man in a dark red suit sarcastically. "But it couldn't have anything to do with the fact that you're a bumbling idiot and you never even think to murder the crap out of him first chance you get."
In response to the man's biting snark, She-Me reached for a control pad stationed in front of Doctorgenome. On it are red buttons next to a bunch of names, such as "Adiane Adibissina", "Number Guame" and "Minatzuki". She-Me placed her index finger on a button next to the name "Viral".
"No, She-Me! Don't!" Doctorgenome yelled, pulling She-Me's hand away from the control pad. "He's not worth it. Calm down."
"Sorry." said She-Me, remorseful. She took a deep breath through her nose before blowing a raspberry at the sardonic man, Viral. Then she sat back down.
"Wrong. Kamina always wins because of his libido force." said Doctorgenome.
"You mean his sex drive that gives him his extreme craziness over hot women and power in bed?" Number Guame asked.
"Correct!" Doctorgenome confirmed. "In response, i've developed a machine called the "Space-Time Traveler" for my future endeavors."
"Do you really believe that we'll have to worry about Kamina anymore?" Adiane questioned. "You did program Yoko to tie the guy down and kill him while he was at his most vulnerable, right?
"Yes, but the last time we didn't keep a sharp eye on Kamina, he lived, so I don't want to take any chances." Doctorgenome declared. "Here's my new evil plan. Using the "Space-Time Traveler", i'm going back to 1991 to build a gigantic spiral drill laser base on the moon, which I shall dub the "Star-Killer". While i'm hard at work, my new agent, Thymilph the Lard Piece of Shit, will travel to where Kamina was frozen and steal his libido force."
"Wait, if you can go back to 1991, why don't you go back even further and force Kamina's mom to have an abortion?" asked Viral.
"OK, one more word out of you and you'll never play your PlayStation again, little man!" Doctorgenome snapped. Viral rolled his eyes.
"May I suggest that we use the machine to place ideas of successful investments in peoples' heads in the past?" Number Guame proposed. "That way, we can hit the quadrillions!"
"Forget quadrillions, we could make..." Doctorgenome started. "Trillions!"
"A trillion is less than a quadrillion, pea-brain." Viral corrected snidely.
"OK smarty, since you're so informed in numbers." Doctorgenome retorted. "What comes after quadrillion?"
"Quintillion." Viral answered, with much disdain in his voice.
"Well then, in the days to follow, my "Star-Killer" will bring fear and destruction to the early 1990s unless they pay me... 100 quintillion dollars!" Doctorgenome declared, holding his right little finger to his mouth.
"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Kylo." Viral muttered.
"What!?" Doctorgenome yelled in response, causing Viral to duck under the table. "Now, dramatically unveil the machine!"
A nearby wall opens up, revealing a large, circular machine. It approaches Doctorgenome's table with smoke coming out of the floor.
"In case you don't remember." Doctorgenome started, getting out of his chair and walking towards the machine. "The current year is 2021, and Kamina was frozen back in 1987. The time period i'm traveling back to is only four years after he was frozen, and Yoko wouldn't be around to orchestrate his defrosting procedure for another twenty-six. He'll be defenseless."
"I honestly think Yoko successfully killed Kamina, but the plan's good, Doctorgenome." said Adiane, pleasantly.
"Sorry, guys." said Number Guame to male tea shop owner and his female companion, who moaned with disappointment. "It's his organization, he's the leader, so it's his call."
"Anyways, i'm about to travel back in time, adios!" said Doctorgenome. "Oh, make sure it's turned on." Number Guame pressed a button on the machine which caused a majestic, swirling space-time rift to open up in the circle. "Come, She-Me!"
"Oh boy!" said She-Me excitedly, as she got out of her chair and ran towards the big cheese. "I can't wait to see what I missed!" She took one look at the space-time rift and felt so much wonder.
"Don't be scared, my dear." Doctorgenome advised his feminine clone. "Onward to evil-doing!"
"Don't worry." She-Me said, sweetly. "I don't know how to be. Woohoo! We're going to be the best evil-doers ever!"
Together, Doctorgenome and She-Me jumped into the beautiful-looking portal and were sent spiraling away into the past - 30 years ago. Nobody knew where in that time period they would end up, but one thing was clear to everybody: the ultimate criminal duo had been born. The Spiral Villain now had a Spiral Right Hand.
Back with Kamina, he was taking a drive through Kamina City, hoping that he would feel better if he got on the road. As he drove, his video communicator rang. He answered it.
"Good afternoon, Kamina!" said an effeminate, green-haired man from the video communicator.
"Hey, Leeron." Kamina said back, still looking depressed.
"Why the long face?" Leeron asked. "Isn't your honeymoon going well?"
"Well, it turns out Yoko was a fembot." Kamina glumly answered.
"Ah yes, we knew all along, sadly." Leeron remarked with a regretful tone.
"WHAT!?" Kamina shouted, frightening Leeron. "You knew that from the very start, and it never occurred to you to tell me!?"
"Sorry, I thought your personality and affection would cancel out her evil programming." Leeron stated honestly.
"Well, that sure worked wonders!" Kamina sarcastically said. "Why did you let her into the agency in the first place?"
"The girl was pretty persuasive, Kamina." said Leeron, shrugging. "Nobody, man or woman, could resist her charm."
"I sure as hell couldn't. She played me like a fiddle." Kamina conceded, his rotten mood only getting worse. "Almost did me in, too." He grumbled as he began to notice that there were no more cars passing by his.
"Anyway, enough about that, I have a new assignment for you." said Leeron, wanting so badly to move on from the subject of Yoko. "Come over to headquarters and meet me in person, so we can discuss it all in detail."
"Alright then." said Kamina, unenthusiastically. He shut off the video communicator and continued driving down the empty road. "I'd hate to see how Simon will react to the revelation."
The End!