Numb

"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off -" she heard James cry as she stumbled up the stairs, slamming the door to Harry's room and locking it behind her.

The door was blasted open, and Lily frantically blocked her only child from the monster in front of her. A few of the splinters from the door had embedded themselves into her jumper. Tears were flowing down her face freely, sobs racking her chest. Harry, her sweet, sweet Harry, was wailing behind her. He sensed his mother's distress, and for good reason, too.

"Move aside, you stupid girl," the cloaked figure hissed.

"Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead -" Lily pleaded, supporting her entire weight on the edge of Harry's crib.

"Filthy mudblood bitch," Voldemort hissed. Out of patience, he blasted her with the same spell that had taken out the door. Lily was thrown backwards, smashing her head on the corner of Harry's nappie-changing station. "You're lucky that someone of relative importance to me has requested your survival," he spat at her. "I'll never understand how he can look at you with anything but disgust." The entire room shifted out of focused, blurry. Darkness crept at the edges of her vision.

Not blurry enough, however, for Lily to miss the blindingly green light that hit her wailing infant straight on.

"NOOOO!" Lily screamed, blackness finally enveloping her.

She vaguely recalled being shifted about, a scent enveloping her that was familiar, but from years past. It couldn't be.

"Thank Merlin, thank Merlin. You're safe… you're s-safe," the low baritone had repeated, over and over again.

She fell back into unconsciousness.

"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT THEM!" a voice yelled, hoarse and raw. Remus. Lily shot up, eyes watering as she tried to find her bearings. She was in a bed, with sheets and a few blankets drawn around her. Her head hurt, her neck and back too. She shifted slightly, yelping in pain as her body protested.

"Remus-" another voice began, but was cut off.

"THEY'RE DEAD! THAT FUCKING TRAITOR! I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL KILL YOU! THEY WERE UNDER YOUR PROTECTION!" Remus shouted again. A loud crash, probably broken glass, followed his howling declaration.

"Sirius is being thrown into Azkaban as we speak," Dumbledore, she finally decided the voice belonged to, said in that nauseatingly solemn and calm voice.

It all came flooding back.

"Oh god," Lily sobbed, tears springing from her tired and worn eyes.

James, her husband.

Harry. Her sweet, sweet boy. The true love of her life.

She would have given anything, anything to have died with them.

Had Dumbledore just said-

"NO!" Lily screeched, and Remus and Dumbledore burst into her room. Or rather, the room that was currently housing her bruised and battered body.

"Lily, oh Lily," Remus came to her side, dried tear streaks aging his face by years.

"Sirius-" she whispered.

Remus's eyes hardened. "He's in Azkaban. Where he'll rot for the rest of his god-forsaken life."

"No," Lily croaked, her voice dry. Dumbledore frowned, conjuring a glass and filling it with water. She accepted it gratefully, sipping slowly.

"It wasn't Sirius," she finally got out. "He wasn't secret keeper. It was Peter."

Remus looked at her sharply, astounded. "Peter?" he asked, his voice deadly. "He's dead. All that's left is a finger. Sirius blasted him and about twenty other muggles to - oh fuck."

"It wasn't Sirius," Lily insisted, shaking her head. "Peter was secret keeper. He's the bastard who b-betrayed us."

Dumbledore quickly left the room with this new information, intending to revoke Sirius's impending imprisonment and demand at least a trial.

"Oh god Lily," Remus whispered, gripping her hand tightly.

A fresh wave of tears flooded her eyes, and she let them fall.

An hour or so later after clutching to Remus's shabby shirt, Lily could cry no more.

She was numb.

And now, she had nothing to lose.