A True Story
An... Evilfuzzy9 fanfic...?
By...
...
...well...
EvilFuzzy9
(so freaking meta, yo)
'Author has written 100 stories for Naruto, Invader Zim, Avatar: Last Airbender, Bible, Metroid, Legend of Zelda, Bleach, Hayate the Combat Butler, Lord of the Rings, Fairy Tail, Harry Potter, Evangelion, Gintama, Corpse Party, Legend of Korra, Fire Emblem, Teen Titans, Red vs. Blue, X-overs, Silmarillion, and Anime X-overs.' — my profile on this site, as of my one hundredth fic.
A short-ish, portly man walked onto a stage. He was dressed his best in a fine burgundy tweet jacket and matching dress pants. He was wearing a brand new pair of semi-rectangular glasses with rounded frames, and well-shined black church shoes.
His hair was dark brown, almost black, and it was conspicuously combed only poorly. He had long, slightly uneven sideburns, a modestly bristled mustache, and an unshaven chin. His pasty, computer screen-bleached skin looked a little greasy in the spotlight, and it was pockmarked with mild acne. He did not show his teeth, and his smile was a little weak.
His bloodshot brown eyes were baggy and lined with the ghastly bluish-gray of chronic sleep deprivation. His simultaneously scrawny yet pudgy arms (what little could be seen of them) were covered with hair, and his fingernails were unevenly clipped. If he opened his mouth, you would have seen crooked, yellowing, badly-worn teeth.
"Oy," he said, pitching his voice low to hide the fact that it was high-pitched and nasally. "Who's writing this description? I know I didn't exactly want to present some kind of sickeningly idealized version of myself to the audience, but this is starting to sound like the narrator is just ripping into me for the sake of making me sound as bad as possible."
"I think it's perfectly accurate, dummkopf!" came the voice of prototypical tsundere, Asuka Sohryu Langley from somewhere outside the scene.
The man on stage blinked. "Eh?" he said. "Who are you? Asuka? But, I never actually wrote a fic with you... Hell, I've only written one NGE thing period, and I never even saw the original show, anyways."
He frowned.
"...of course, I suppose you are fairly cute," he conceded. "I mean, I've seen you in plenty of hentai doujinshi... though a lot of artists tend to greatly exaggerate your bust size, by my understanding..."
Asuka swore virulently in German. "Sei doch nicht so ein perverses Schwein!"
The man on stage stuck his tongue out at her, wherever she was. "You're the one who started it," he retorted immaturely.
"And you're a fat pervert," retaliated Asuka.
The man on stage scowled, furrowing his brow irritably. A moment later, the famous redhead appeared on stage, dressed in a distinctly inappropriate bikini.
Her face turned beet red, and she immediately moved her hands to cover herself.
"Argh...! Freak! Pervert! Bastard!" she snarled at the man.
He simply shrugged. "Hey, I'm the author of this," he said. "And I haven't done the self insert thing in forever. But this is a very special occasion, so I'm bending the rules."
Asuka whimpered, shyly removing her hands. Her expression softened. Her glimmered as she looked at him. "Oh... Fuzzy... I never realized how... how handsome you were..." she mewled. "Please... kiss me..."
She walked forward slowly, shyly leaning forward and puckering her lips—
"AHHH! That's not what's happening!" Asuka exclaimed. "I'm not doing any of that. He's just writing it to make it look like I am!"
EvilFuzzy9 afforded himself a smirk at Asuka, who was actually clad in a perfectly conservative yellow sundress. "See?" he said smugly. "You don't screw with the author."
"Tch. Whatever," the redhead muttered irritably. "Don't you have a big fanfiction special to introduce, or whatever?"
Fuzzy blinked. "OH RIGHT!" he said. "I almost forgot about that."
Asuka face-faulted.
"Dummkopf..." she muttered under her breath.
Clearing his throat sheepishly, the emcee and author took out a roll of paper. "Well!" he said. "Since this is my hundredth fanfic spectacular, we'll be having quite an assortment of guests! There'll be at least one character from every one of the fandoms I've written for, so this will be quite a long guest list!"
He paused a moment for dramatic effect. Then, in a surprising good bass/tenor singing voice, he proceeded to, well, sing.
"Well, to start things off, why don't you know!
First come, first serve, guests on my shooooow!"
He paused to take a deep breath, before continuing.
"Oh, redhead! Pettan! Asuka, from Neon Genesis Evangelion!
Tsundere she defines, a psycho-violent anti-Pygmalion!"
Asuka glared.
"But next and more importantly, to give this some authority,
Here's fire-lass Azula, queen of Alpha-Bitch Sorority!
And with her comes the master pair of ge-ni-us comedical,
Toph Bei Fong the badass and Sokka the re-me-di-al!"
"Hey!" shouted Sokka, making his appearance on stage next to Azula and Toph. They were all dressed in their usual garb.
"Next from anime and manga of shinobi and mega-hype,
Super-pervert Jiraiya of Obi Wan Kenobi type!
And don't forget his loudmouth, dumbass, knuckleheaded student guy,
Naruto the most imprudent, orange-clad Jesus ninja, "Why?"
Followed up by loner, stoner, ultra-emo-venger-san,
Sasuke of Uchiha with his super-duper sharingan,
Plus shrinking violet, moe-blob, oh-so-kawaii Hinata,
As effective in a battle as a level seven Rattata~!"
Said characters appeared in a puff of smoke. Sasuke glowered, Hinata blushed, Jiraiya laughed, and Naruto scratched his head, confused.
"Now alien incompetent, insipid, insane 'vader Zim,
Plus Gir a retard robot who couldn't win a matchsticks sim,
Then come Dib and Gaz the Membrane sibling/children/clones?
Paranoid the big-head and a hate-filled handheld gaming drone."
"Alien? Who is an alien?!" exclared Zim in a grandiose voice. "I am no alieeeen!"
"And my head is NOT BIG!" cried out Dib frustratedly.
"Shut it, billboard brow," grunted Gaz.
"Oh come on! Now we're mixing references?"
"After these here crazy kids, a heroine of badass rep,
Despite what anyone might say, never with a dragon slept."
Samus walked out onto the stage, arms crossed over her chest. She was clad in only her Zero suit, which clung unusually close to her figure.
"Damn perverts," she muttered coldly, her eyes dark.
"And here to save the princess from pigs and thieves and what-have-you,
Legendary hero Link, of Courage reborn n times two,
And snarky-alec-dere guide, princess of the lost Twilight
With a figure to set every state from here to Hyrule straight alight."
Midna smirked, striking a bit of a smug pose. Link took one look at Samus and gave her a playful wink.
The pirate hunter rolled her eyes.
"And feckless protag harem-bait, Hayate true-dunderhead,
Butler to a mistress who's as much a NEET as he's ill-bred,
Then 'Nom nom' snacking Hamster-chan, Ayumu could it be true?
Your crush still has yet to answer that impassioned 'I love you!'
Plus funny, silly, crazy cuckoolander lass kouhai,
Fumi Hibino the girl whose brain is likely made of pie."
Ayumu looked depressed at the reminder of her failed love confession. Hayate blinked, confused, smiling uncertainly.
"Ehhh!? Pie?! But what kind...? Is my brain cherry or rhubarb?" was all Fumi had to say.
Ayumu's stomach growled. She blushed.
"Next on the list's a stalwart dwarf, Gimli grandson of Longbeard Groin,
His friendship with Prince Legolas must surely vex his father, Gloin,
Then Per-e-grin, Mer-i-a-doc, Frodo, Samwise – that's a lot!
This Fellowship has sure become a really damn big melting pot~❤
Plus Gandalf Grey and Aragorn and Legolas and Boromir,
And wretched, sneaking Sme-a-gol by every light source filled with fear."
"Sssssss," Gollum hissed at Fuzzy, lamplike eyes narrowed into a deathly glare. "Precious killsed the Rakesies dead, but still no tasty fishies for poor Precious to eat. We hateses him, yesss."
"At least you've actually appeared in a fic," was the general sentiment of the Fellowship's collective mutterings. "There's no way the author can use, or manage, this many characters."
"From wizard guild of Fairy Tail comes Dragon Slayer power three,
Gajeel, Natsu Salamander, and ir-re-pres-si-ble Wendy,
And headstrong, The Knight, redhead fashionista Erza the Scarlet,
Discipline and lunacy are hand-in-hand with this starlet.
Then throwing in another young and golden wizard power trio,
Harry, Ron, Hermione (plus Samui, Karui, Omoi, yo~!)
Killer Bee and Rubeus – accents, rhyming, O what fun!
This Chara-list is getting rather overlong and tangled, son."
Ron frowned at Natsu and Erza, as well as Karui.
"Why's he lumping us all together?" said the gangling ginger. "Just because half of us are redheads—"
"I think your math might need double-checking, Ron," Hermione interjected.
"Now because reaction scenes are really quite, quite hard to write,
When you're loading up with this much guests, it can only lead into a fight,
With lots of scratching, kicking, biting; tons and tons of other things—
My breath is coming to me short, it's getting rather hard to sing...
But do not worry, do not fret, and don't give me that moping stuff,
I can yet soldier on some more... although my throat is getting rough..."
The assembled guest stars all shared skeptical looks with one another. Some of the ruder ones made some very impolite gestures at Fuzzy's back.
"Noooow... froooom... random, raunchy, rather vulgar shonen manga Gintama,
(Sounds a lot like testicles...) come our very own Yo-ro-zu-ya!
Good-for-nothing, natural-permed, washed-up ronin Gintoki,
A name which bears phonetic semblance to the state of Kentucky,
And aru, aru, Kagura-ru, holy dances, Kagura,
Pretty, filthy-minded thug from Yato-land in Space China,
Then otaku of idol type, a four-eyed samurai trainee,
In every way completely bland, it's Shinpachi the tsukkomi~"
"Space China, aru?" said Kagura confusedly. "Where's that?"
"Near Yato-land, apparently," drawled Gin-san, lazily picking at a scab inside his nose.
"...I wouldn't have to be throwing punchlines around all the time if the people around me weren't such idiots..." muttered Shinpachi a little darkly.
"Of Corpse Party my recollections are but yet quite very dim,
Plus I never finished so I'm kinda going on a limb,
But I remember master creepster Morishige necrophile,
Something, something, he was rich, plus also weird and kinda vile."
Nobody appeared.
Not that anyone seemed to notice, or care.
"Now A:TLA sequel, long in coming, (where is Sokka?) Korra's tale,
As Avatar she's pretty cool, could probably bench press a whale.
Although her taste in men may seem a little blandly typical
You gotta say with Mako's name, when he's old he should be cool."
Korra looked uncertain how to react to her introduction. Mako was frowning a tad irritably at Fuzzy.
"How much longer can this possibly go on...?" he muttered.
"I don't think we want to know," was Korra's only response.
"And for the final, finish line, panting, sprinting old heave-ho!
Let's wrap this all right neatly up with one last real long breathless go!
For Fire Emblem strategy, Rusky-speaking Gregor merc,
Hitching up with Nowi's really just a pretty bonus perk,
Plus noble Chrom and Lucia, with holy swords they go to war,
Guys with names like Grima are just in places all abhorred.
Teen Titans go to victory with Star and Rae, and BB, Cy,
Batman's former protege, Robin is their leader guy,
Teenaged heroes fighting crime, maybe not original,
But it ain't like television was ever really virginal;
Then MJOLNIR-wearing lunatics and idiots, all erratic,
When Red and Blue are your best hope, you really should begin the panic!
Maybe not the best tribute to modern major generals,
But damned if they won't make you laugh, and maybe think, in intervals...
Yet if for Silmarils it is that holy treasure which you seek,
Don't be afraid to stand up tall, or your name to loudly speak,
'Cause Feanor's been made to promise that he sure won't try to bite,
So I say there really is no need to let yourselves be filled with fright!"
Fuzzy then took one last breath, before promptly collapsing, unconscious. The crowd of guests immediately dispersed, grumbling in annoyance.
Well.
Now that that's over and done with, let's get started with the actual main attraction! :D
What? Who am I?
Hah! Haven't you punks ever heard of the legendary Fairy Kyuubi?
...oh, fine. Laugh if you want. But I'll show you! I'll show you all, I say! And then I'LL be the one laughing! HAH!
Chew on that.
Fairy Kyuubi Productions proudly presents:
A Roast of EvilFuzzy9's 20 Earliest Fanfics
Part the First:
Parrotboy the tale of How Sasuke got his Hairstyl
This is how I think Sasuke got his hairstyle, rated 'cause I don't wanna get sued. Enjoy!
Sasuke: *scowls* I'm going to hate this, aren't I?
Hinata: Ah... Probably.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 270 - Reviews: 11 - Updated: 6/25/2006 - Published: 6/25/2006 - Sasuke U. - Complete
Naruto: Eh? What's that?
Jiraiya: Don't worry about it, kid. Just stuff that would go way over your head.
Parrot-Boy a tale of Sasuke's hairstyle by EvilFuzzy9
A/N: This my first fic ,probably a oneshot. But boy was it difficult to upload it. Hope you like it please R&R!
Jiraiya (Wincing): Wow. That was almost painful to read.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto nor do I own Sasuke's ridiculous haircut.
Sasuke: *twitching eye*
(I am suddenly trampled by Sasuke fangirls )
Naruto (grumbling): Bah. Why's it always Sasuke fangirls...? When's it gonna be MY turn?!
Hinata: *blush*
O-on with the show uuh .
It was dawn a time when any sane person would be asleep, but 5 year old Sasuke Uchiha is far from sane. "ANIKI WAKE UP I WANNA PWAY WIT YOOOUUU!"
Sasuke: *second eye starts twitching*
Naruto: *snigger* Haha! You sound like a complete dork!
"Uuuuhhh… Sasuke lemme sleep" groaned a certain future nuke-nin.
"Otay" chibi-Sasuke pouted ( random fangirl: Aaaaww ).
Sasuke (muttering): I hate fangirls.
Hinata: Meep. *ducks behind Naruto*
So after that failed attempt at torturing - I mean playing with Itachi ;he decided to partake of that horrendous atrocity/glorious diversion we call television documentaries.
Hinata: Do we even HAVE television in our world...?
Naruto: Yeah, I think so. I've got a TV in my room, actually. Although I've never used it.
Jiraiya (dismissively): Not much on in the Leaf.
Sasuke: My parents always said that TV rots peoples brains. Which would explain a lot, I suppose.
Man on tv: The male cockatiel ,to garner attention, has a crest of feathers on its head.
Struck with inspiration he decides to emulate the cockatiel. After applying a bottle of gel to his cranium he rushes off to pester a certain Itachi Uchiha.
So a traumatized Itachi decides to exact his revenge on the devil in tan shorts. Little did he realize his new hairstyle would have an almost aphrodisiacal effect on the majority of the Konoha kunoichi.
Naruto: Wait, how would that affect Itachi?
Sasuke: Actually, I think it was supposed to affect ME. It's bad sentence placement.
That is the real reason that Sasuke is perpetually harassed by rabid fangirls his lame, parrot-boy, hairstyle, and the reason that Itachi slaughtered the Uchihas.
Jiraiya: Well, that certainly trivializes the many social, political, and ideological factors that all played roles in leading up to the Uchiha Massacre.
Sasuke: *scoffs* And people thought this was funny?
Naruto: Yeah, I don't see it.
Please review don't flame me I know I stink if you disagree please contact me by clicking the purple button and sending me a nice long review.
FIN JA
Hinata: ...that's almost depressing.
Sasuke: Maybe in how bad it was.
Naruto: I think that guy needs counseling.
Jiraiya (sotto voce): *side-eyeing Sasuke* And he's not the only one.
Sasuke: *glare* I heard that.
A/N: This was really ambitious, but dammit all I wanted something special for my entry into the triple digits.
And just in case it wasn't clear: ALL OF THE FICS BEING MST'ed HEREIN ARE MINE.
Also, I decided it would be easier for all if I divided this into twenty parts, as opposed to my original plan of doing it all in ONE BIG PART.
Updated: 1-27-14
TTFN and R&R!
– — ❤