It's so loud inside my head tonight, full of words that should have been said, words that could have saved her from herself. Words of love and support that could have saved her. We hadn't talked in quite a few months since she left for L.A. to become a big music producer. I was always so busy, so involved in school and my own life that I couldn't be bothered with her's. Why? Why do I care so much about myself? Why did she do it? Did she not realize that so many love her, that I love her? I'm just talking to myself now that she's not here anymore. We never talked about anything important or serious; we were just being young and stupid. I should have been more for her; I should have been a better friend. I should have paid her more attention. It doesn't matter anymore since she's gone. She can't answer any of my questions and I can't tell her any of the stuff I wanted to but never said. You can't take back what you didn't do. I should have done more; she was there for me all the time without question, no matter what time. I wasn't there for her though or else she would be here. If I couldn't have saved her, I wish I could tell her goodbye. I need closure, more than we all got from her stupid note of apology. I wish she could have just stuck around longer, she would have been proud of me, of how I've changed. I'm a better friend, daughter, and lover. She'll never know how I feel, how much I love her. She'll never know how anyone feels about her, about her awesome music. I talk to her small grave, in hopes she'll hear me and forgive me for all the words I couldn't say till after she died. I know I'm just talking to myself and that she can't hear me now, though I wish she could. I can't regret being silent any more than I do. My Beca, my secret love, I miss you.