Meet Sousuke Aizen, a respected and obscenely wealthy lawyer.

Meet his sons. If they don't look related, it's because our man Sousuke is quite a hit with the fairer sex.

"I'm home, guys!" Aizen shouted as he closed the fornt door behind him.

"Welcome home," came the ragged chorus from around the house. Aizen took off his shoes and set his briefcase by the door, then walked into the den. His second-youngest son, Grimmjow, was watching porn on the widescreen plasma TV.

"Grimmjow, watch it in your room," Aizen said, sighing. He did a double take. "Whoah. That looks fun."

"Love you too, dad," Grimmjow said, crushing his empty beer can and adidng it to the pyramid growing on the coffee table.

Aizen smiled, shaking his head, and walked through the den into the hallway on the opposite side. He looked into the computer room where his middle child, Ulqiorra, was playing Unreal Tournament with his toes. "How's that going, son?" he asked.

"Hey dad. Fine, thanks for asking."

Aizen walked odwn the hallway and climbed the stairs to the second floor. He knocked on the door to his eldest son's room. There was no reply. He put his ear to the door. The sounds of heavy metal and mingled groans of pleasure and pain could faintly be heard form within.

"Do I want to know what Gin is doing?" he asked his second-oldest, Noitora, who had just emerged from his own room.

"Nope. All I can say is that chick was racked."

"I'm so proud of him," Aizen said, teary-eyed.

"Yeah, whatever, pops. Listen, Yammy and I are gonna go on a drive-by shooting with our paintball guns. That cool with you?"

"Just be back by 9. I have big news."

"Sure thing, pops."

----

Over the ruins of a half-dozen bacon and pineapple pizzas, Aizen made his announcement. "I really feel I've been woorking too much lately. I haven't spent enough time with you guys. So, to the purpose of remedying this, I am pleased to announce the FIRST ANNUAL AIZEN FAMILY BEACH VACATION!!!" he shouted, striking a dramatic pose in the beam of a spotlight he had dragged up from the basement.

Silence greeted his announcement. Suddenly, Ulqiorra blurred and reappeared wearing a Hawaiian shirt, swim trunks, a snorkel, flip-flops, and a ley. He carried a surfboard, a beach towel, and a tiki torch. "Dude! Let's go!" he shouted, almost jumping up and down with glee.

"Legs…too…hairy…must hurl…" gasped Noitora, holding his stomach.

"Sweet! Go Dad!" Yammy shouted.

Gin and Grimmjow said nothing, looknig brooding and angsty.

"Oh, and Uncle Kaname and Cousin Wonderwice are coming too," Aizen added.

"Uncle Tosen is coming? Sweet!" Gin said. Grimmjow shot him a look of pure hatred.

"Traitor," he muttered.

Noitora knocked on his younger brother's head. "Grimmjow! Chicks. In. Bikinis. Comprende?"

"Sweet! When do we leave?!" Grimmjow said.