Kanan had been doing his best to irritate Hera throughout the briefing with Commander Sato on the Rebellion command ship Phoenix Home. And his best was very, very good; he knew exactly what buttons to push, when it came to annoying Hera Syndulla. He slouched in his seat off to one side, tapping his foot, rolling his eyes, and looking surly. He had often admired her composure under pressure, but in this instance, he really wanted to rattle General Hera in front of her new Rebel pals. His efforts were paying off, too; despite her cool demeanor, he could feel the anger radiating from her, like solar flares from a sun. But it wasn't until he committed the atrocity of telling Chopper to play a transmission that he finally got the response he wanted. If looks could kill, Hera's glare at Kanan would have meant a thousand years of slow digestion in the belly of a sarlaac. He merely shrugged at her, making a face that clearly indicated he couldn't have cared less. Hera's glare shifted into a keen gaze of suspicion- a look he knew well. The truth was, all he really wanted to do was get back to the Ghost, and back to doing what the crew did best. This military nonsense was the kind of thing he'd hoped to leave behind forever on the day Master Billaba was gunned down by the same troopers she had led throughout the Clone Wars. He thoroughly resented Hera for dragging him back into it.
The transmission he'd illegally asked Chopper to play was from Minister Tua, and the sight of her pleading for help threatened to wear out Kanan's last nerve. Helping her was an absolutely ludicrous idea, but the kid was all in. Kanan knew that Ezra really believed that it was the right thing to do. And it wouldn't be the first time (or the last, he was sure) the crew made an utterly insane plan in the name of thwarting the Empire.
"Well, I guess we're on our way back to Lothal," Hera said.
"I guess we are," Kanan coldly replied, stalking out into the passageway. He could feel Hera follow closely on his heels.
Neither one saw Ahsoka's eyes following them through the door, a frown creasing her brow.
As Hera shoved him up against the wall in the passageway, Kanan mused that his anger was causing him to miss out on something he would have found hugely enjoyable under better circumstances. At that particular moment, though, he wanted to be anywhere else. Everything she was saying was right, of course. But she had never been a soldier. She hadn't watched soldiers that she trusted murder her Master, and thousands of other Jedi, in cold blood.
"I survived one war," he said. "I'm not ready for another one. I saw what it did."
She put her hand on his arm to keep him from walking away. "To the Jedi?" she asked.
"To everyone," he answered. This time, when he tried to walk away from her, she let him go. He was thankful for the respite, and thankful that she knew when to leave well enough alone. He headed back to his cabin on the Ghost. He thought meditating might do him some good, aggravated as he was.
Some time later, as he still sat struggling to calm his mind, he heard two soft raps on the door of his cabin. Thinking it was Hera, he ignored the knocks. He'd had enough of General Hera and her Rebellion for one day.
"Kanan?" Ahsoka called through the door.
He didn't really want to talk to Ahsoka, either, but at least she wasn't Hera.
"Come in. It's unlocked." He kept his eyes closed, listening for the swish of the door. He heard Ahsoka step forward into the cabin and move to sit across from him. She said nothing, waiting patiently.
He opened his eyes. "Is there something I can do for you?" he asked, a little too brusquely. He was still feeling raw about his argument with Hera.
Ahsoka smiled in that beatific way of hers. "I just came to talk. You seem a bit...rattled. Is it a bad time?"
"It's been better," Kanan huffed. It suddenly occurred to him that Ahsoka might be the one person who could actually understand how he was feeling. His tone softened. "Please...stay. I could use someone to talk to."
She smiled at him again. "Well," she started, "That certainly was an interesting briefing. I couldn't help but notice that there's some...ahh...friction between you and Hera. You're all very close on this ship, but you and Hera...that's something different, isn't it? She's very important to you."
Kanan frowned. "She is. Although, at the moment, we're not the biggest fans of one another."
"She means more to you than anyone, except Ezra. Am I right?" Ahsoka's blue eyes searched his face, but he wasn't sure what she was trying to find there. "You're attached to her?"
Attached to her, Kanan thought. Ah, yes...the old Jedi way of referring to a forbidden relationship. He remembered learning about this kind of attachment as a youngling. At the time, he had been too young to fully understand it, and he hadn't troubled himself much with Jedi rules since leaving Caleb Dume on Kaller. He remembered Master Yoda's voice: "The fear of loss is a path to the "Come in. It's unlocked." He kept his eyes closed, listening for the swish of the door. He heard Ahsoka step forward into the cabin and move to sit across from him. She said nothing, waiting patiently.
He opened his eyes. "Is there something I can do for you?" he asked, a little too brusquely. He was still feeling raw about his argument with Hera.
Ahsoka smiled in that beatific way of hers. "I just came to talk. You seem a bit...rattled. Is it a bad time?"
"It's been better," Kanan huffed. It suddenly occurred to him that Ahsoka might be the one person who could actually understand how he was feeling. His tone softened. "Please...stay. I could use someone to talk to."
She smiled at him again. "Well," she started, "That certainly was an interesting briefing. I couldn't help but notice that there's some...ahh...friction between you and Hera. You're all very close on this ship, but you and Hera...that's something different, isn't it? She's very important to you."
Kanan frowned. "She is. Although, at the moment, we're not the biggest fans of one another."
"She means more to you than anyone, except Ezra. Am I right?" Ahsoka's blue eyes searched his face, but he wasn't sure what she was trying to find there. "You're attached to her?"
Attached to her, Kanan thought. He recalled the old Jedi way of referring to a forbidden relationship; he had learned about this kind of attachment as a youngling. At the time, he had been too young to fully understand it, and he hadn't troubled himself much with Jedi rules since leaving Caleb Dume on Kaller. He remembered Master Yoda's voice: "The fear of loss is a path to the dark side...attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."
"I thought that you were no longer a Jedi, Ahsoka," Kanan said, hedging the subject. He wasn't in the mood to discuss useless old Jedi tenets that would have proscribed the very same relationship that had given him both hope, and a purpose.
Her gaze remained steady. "It's true that I'm not a Jedi. I left the Order for my own reasons. But I am still on the light path, the path of the Jedi. I believe in their teachings. What do you believe, Kanan?"
Kanan scowled. "Their teachings couldn't save them."
"You're not wrong. The dark side corrupts many things, and even the greatest of the Jedi found it difficult to walk the light path, at times," Ahsoka sighed. "Attachment to those we love can make it hard to find the light."
"Is that why you left the Order?" Kanan asked. The look on her face made him immediately wonder if he had overstepped his bounds.
Ahsoka shook her head, her expression a bit grim. "No, that wasn't why I left. But my affection for my master and my friends in the Order made it very difficult to leave, and even harder to stay away. I had to work very hard to stay in the light, some days. And I understand the compulsion to stay close to the people we love, to protect them, to give ourselves over to them completely, in some cases. Love and compassion are virtues that were encouraged by the Jedi. Attachment, though, can be dangerous. I can sense your struggle, Kanan. Your love for Hera, for the others. It's at odds with how you feel about this Rebellion."
Kanan sighed, saying nothing. Ahsoka always seemed to know far too much.
"Hera has been, and continues to be, very important to the Rebellion," she continued. "If you find that you cannot tolerate being a part of the Rebellion yourself, you will have to let her go. She clearly cares very deeply for you, but she has already made her choice. As you know."
Kanan nodded. "I know. She made that choice long before she met me. And I don't think I've ever even managed to complicate the issue for her, hard as I've tried." He smiled a little. "I wasn't a Jedi, when I met her. I stopped being a Jedi the day the clone troopers killed my master, and tried to kill me. She was the first person I ever completely trusted with that information...and she was the one who brought me back to it. Her, and Ezra. Keeping him with us, training him- that was her idea. It was one of her best. I would do anything for her. For them. But I don't know if I can do this. Not again."
Ahsoka's face was knowing, and sad. "I think many Jedi, at one time or another, struggled with attachment to those they loved. They wanted to keep their loved ones away from harm, or keep them closer than the Order condoned," she said. "You are no different from those Jedi, Kanan. But you must be mindful of your feelings, and master them. Attachment leads to suffering. I understand why you would be wary about getting involved in another war, especially considering all you went through at such a young age, after the destruction of the Jedi. But the Rebellion needs you and Ezra. If you abandon them, you'll significantly reduce their chances. Hera knows this. Apart from her feelings for you, she is no doubt very aware of how significant a loss it would be, if you left and took Ezra with you."
"I don't think Ezra would let me leave," Kanan snorted, thinking both fondly and with exasperation of the headstrong kid's constant desire to be obstinate.
Another otherworldly Ahsoka smile. "That means that you have taught him well. I'll leave you to meditate, Kanan."
She slipped out of the door on silent feet. As the door opened, Kanan could hear Sabine's spray paint gun across the hall, and Ezra, Zeb and Chopper bickering in the cargo hold. Hera cut in, threatening to throw all three of them out the airlock. He grinned, in spite of himself, but the grin was washed away quickly in the wake of his conflicted thoughts. How could he ever leave any of them? How could he stay and potentially watch them suffer...or die? The Jedi had been right. Attachment did lead to suffering. For the first time, Kanan briefly wished he had never set eyes on Hera Syndulla. He thought of that first night, of hearing her melodious voice in the darkness. Her smile and green eyes flashed across his mind's eye. He instantly regretted his wish. She was everything, to him. He knew he would never leave her, no matter the cost.
Kanan got to his feet, and went to join his crew.