There are many more fics I should be working on right now, but it's my goal
to do this by the end of the summer. I don't own any of the songs in this
unless I say so specifically. Shakespeare never got a copyright for any of
his stuff so technically I could say that I own it and no one could sue me
or anything. But so that his ghost doesn't haunt my nightmares, I'll just
say that I don't own Romeo + Juliet. Damn you conscience. Why must you take
all the fun out of life?
Romeo and Juliet Go to Heck: The Musical
Enter a midget in oversized gangsta garb with a mike.
Midget: Yo, yo, yo This really crazy story I'm about to rap,
Started all these sickened romance trends just like that!,
No this play will never die, not the cliché at least,
Don't believe me? Then go see shit like West Side Story!,
'Cept we don't have dances just one real lazy author,
Do you all want to help me kill the choreographer?
*midget is dragged offstage with a huge candy cane*
*enter Sam and Greg, with wooden swords and wearing buckets on their heads*
Sam: Mark my words, we'll not carry coals.
Greg: Because then we would be collies?
Sam: No, I'm already using my head to store other useless things.
Greg: Oh oh! I've got a really good joke! Remember the stuff I'm about to
say.
Sam: Okay, I've just got to move over other stuff like the lines to this
play.
Greg: *gasp* Shut up! You're not supposed to say that on stage!
Sam: Oops.
Greg: Okay, okay. Some sawdust, old newspapers, dust bunnies and .okay
maybe not coal anymore. Joke ruiner. Got that all in your head doggie?
Sam: Yes.
Greg: I thought so! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! *has an asthma attack and turns
blue*
Sam: And I'm not a doggie. That would make me a They-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
*collective shudder*
Greg: *comes back to life* Ewww. Don't say that name.
Sam: *takes sword out again* My naked weapon is out: quarrel and I will
back thee!
Greg: Why do you keep saying stuff like that?! This will be R rated soon if
you don't watch your potty mouth!
Sam: I was talking about my sword you idiot.
Greg: Let's suck our thumbs!
*Enter Abraham and Balthazar*
Abraham: Do you suck your thumb at us, sir?
Sam: No. I'm just getting saliva all over it.
Balthazar: Mmmm.Saliva. Good band.
Greg: *sing* A voice, is telling me don't be so blind
Sam: It's telling me all these things, that you would probably hide
Abraham: Am I, your one and only desire?
Balthazar: Am I the reason you breathe? Or am I the reason you cry?
All: Always, always, always, always, always, always, always
*enter Benvolio*: I just can't live without you!
*singing stops* *enter Tybalt*: What in bloody heck is going on here?! The
house of kitty cats should never mix with the bloody house of puppies!
Sam: You thinking what I'm thinking?
All: *yell* NOT QUITE CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!!!! *fight as cavemen with clubs
chase a wooly mammoth though the background, then stop and fight the
quarrelling Montagues and Capulets instead. They have lower IQs.*
Cavemen: I have a deathwish and it lives in your lower intestines!
*enter jock Capulet and cheerleader Lady Capulet*
Lady Capulet: Like go Capulets like!
Tybalt: *caveman gets blood on his sleeve* My bloody sleeve! It's all
bloody!! *kills caveman*
*enter Montague and Lady Montague*
Lady Montague: Like whose side are the like cavemen on like?
Montague: Do I look like I know? I just overdosed on steroids and I'm
trying to keep my brain from falling out of my ear.
Lady Montague: But it like fell out like last like week like remember like?
Montague: I would need a brain to remember something like that.
*enter the prince of darkness and attendants*
Ozzy: SHAROONNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Montagues and Capulets bow down, cavemen look confused and resume chasing
mammoth*
Sharon: What in the hell is going on here?
Ozzy: Uh-uh dunno i's like I came here and all of these cavemen and them
damned kittens and puppies were fightin again and if I catch you doin it
again I'll send you all to Jack's room! You don wanna know wut's in there.
All: Yes your highness. *all leave except for Puppy man, lady puppy man and
Benvolio*
Montague: So how did this mess start?
Benvolio: Sam and Greg were sucking their thumbs and it ticked Tybalt off.
Montague: No, I meant the part about the cavemen.
Benvolio: Oh. I don't know. Might have had something to do with that
historically misplaced wooly mammoth.
Lady Montague: Like where's Romeo like?
Benvolio: I saw him using the ability of his legs to propel himself in an
east south east direction exactly 60 minutes and 42 seconds before the
solar system's star made its light available to this hemisphere. Must have
been adolescent angst induced by hormones and aggravated by external
conditions.
Montague: In English please?
Benvolio: He was walking around about an hour before the sun came up,
moping because some girl didn't like him.
Montague: Oh. I was starting to think he was a vampire or something.
*enter Romeo*
Lady Montague: Let's like go, I don't want to catch his vampire cooties.
*exit Montague and Lady Montague*
Benvolio: What seems to be distressing you?
Romeo: Benvolio, how many times have I told you to quit using big words
like what and you?
Benvolio: Exactly three hundred twenty seven times. But why should I have
to lower my IQ for you?
Romeo: Because if you don't I'll have you executed when my father dies and
I'm in charge of the Montagues.
Benvolio: Alright, I'll try to get stupider.
Romeo: That's more like it! I don't even know if alright is a word!
Benvolio: It is.
Romeo: Oh well. I can't concentrate on grammar right now.
Benvolio: Why not?
Romeo: It's a long story. But I'll save you a two page explanation in verse
like in the original play and tell you in song form.
(Get Free-The Vines)
I'm gonna get free,
I'm gonna get free,
I'm gonna get free, ride into the sun
She never loved me,
She never loved me,
She never loved me, why should anyone?
Come here, come here, come here,
I'll take your photo for you,
Come here, come here, come here,
Drive you around the corner,
Come here, come here, come here,
You know you really oughta,
Come here, come here, come here
Move out to California
Get(get)
Me(me)
Far(far)
When I have a lot to lose
Save (save)
Me (me)
From (from)
Here (here)
When it's pretty time
Look into your mind
Don't wait
I'm gonna get free,
I'm gonna get free,
I'm gonna get free, ride into the sun,
She never loved me,
She never loved me,
She never loved me, why should anyone?
(Come here, come here, come here)
I'll take your photo for you,
(Come here, come here, come here)
Drive you around the corner,
(Come here, come here, come here)
You know you really oughta,
(Come here, come here, come here)
Move out to California
Benvolio: This is 16th century Heck. Where in the world is California?
Romeo: I don't know. *music is heard* The ice cream truck!!
*Romeo and Benvolio exit*
End Act 1 Scene 1
to do this by the end of the summer. I don't own any of the songs in this
unless I say so specifically. Shakespeare never got a copyright for any of
his stuff so technically I could say that I own it and no one could sue me
or anything. But so that his ghost doesn't haunt my nightmares, I'll just
say that I don't own Romeo + Juliet. Damn you conscience. Why must you take
all the fun out of life?
Romeo and Juliet Go to Heck: The Musical
Enter a midget in oversized gangsta garb with a mike.
Midget: Yo, yo, yo This really crazy story I'm about to rap,
Started all these sickened romance trends just like that!,
No this play will never die, not the cliché at least,
Don't believe me? Then go see shit like West Side Story!,
'Cept we don't have dances just one real lazy author,
Do you all want to help me kill the choreographer?
*midget is dragged offstage with a huge candy cane*
*enter Sam and Greg, with wooden swords and wearing buckets on their heads*
Sam: Mark my words, we'll not carry coals.
Greg: Because then we would be collies?
Sam: No, I'm already using my head to store other useless things.
Greg: Oh oh! I've got a really good joke! Remember the stuff I'm about to
say.
Sam: Okay, I've just got to move over other stuff like the lines to this
play.
Greg: *gasp* Shut up! You're not supposed to say that on stage!
Sam: Oops.
Greg: Okay, okay. Some sawdust, old newspapers, dust bunnies and .okay
maybe not coal anymore. Joke ruiner. Got that all in your head doggie?
Sam: Yes.
Greg: I thought so! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! *has an asthma attack and turns
blue*
Sam: And I'm not a doggie. That would make me a They-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
*collective shudder*
Greg: *comes back to life* Ewww. Don't say that name.
Sam: *takes sword out again* My naked weapon is out: quarrel and I will
back thee!
Greg: Why do you keep saying stuff like that?! This will be R rated soon if
you don't watch your potty mouth!
Sam: I was talking about my sword you idiot.
Greg: Let's suck our thumbs!
*Enter Abraham and Balthazar*
Abraham: Do you suck your thumb at us, sir?
Sam: No. I'm just getting saliva all over it.
Balthazar: Mmmm.Saliva. Good band.
Greg: *sing* A voice, is telling me don't be so blind
Sam: It's telling me all these things, that you would probably hide
Abraham: Am I, your one and only desire?
Balthazar: Am I the reason you breathe? Or am I the reason you cry?
All: Always, always, always, always, always, always, always
*enter Benvolio*: I just can't live without you!
*singing stops* *enter Tybalt*: What in bloody heck is going on here?! The
house of kitty cats should never mix with the bloody house of puppies!
Sam: You thinking what I'm thinking?
All: *yell* NOT QUITE CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!!!! *fight as cavemen with clubs
chase a wooly mammoth though the background, then stop and fight the
quarrelling Montagues and Capulets instead. They have lower IQs.*
Cavemen: I have a deathwish and it lives in your lower intestines!
*enter jock Capulet and cheerleader Lady Capulet*
Lady Capulet: Like go Capulets like!
Tybalt: *caveman gets blood on his sleeve* My bloody sleeve! It's all
bloody!! *kills caveman*
*enter Montague and Lady Montague*
Lady Montague: Like whose side are the like cavemen on like?
Montague: Do I look like I know? I just overdosed on steroids and I'm
trying to keep my brain from falling out of my ear.
Lady Montague: But it like fell out like last like week like remember like?
Montague: I would need a brain to remember something like that.
*enter the prince of darkness and attendants*
Ozzy: SHAROONNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Montagues and Capulets bow down, cavemen look confused and resume chasing
mammoth*
Sharon: What in the hell is going on here?
Ozzy: Uh-uh dunno i's like I came here and all of these cavemen and them
damned kittens and puppies were fightin again and if I catch you doin it
again I'll send you all to Jack's room! You don wanna know wut's in there.
All: Yes your highness. *all leave except for Puppy man, lady puppy man and
Benvolio*
Montague: So how did this mess start?
Benvolio: Sam and Greg were sucking their thumbs and it ticked Tybalt off.
Montague: No, I meant the part about the cavemen.
Benvolio: Oh. I don't know. Might have had something to do with that
historically misplaced wooly mammoth.
Lady Montague: Like where's Romeo like?
Benvolio: I saw him using the ability of his legs to propel himself in an
east south east direction exactly 60 minutes and 42 seconds before the
solar system's star made its light available to this hemisphere. Must have
been adolescent angst induced by hormones and aggravated by external
conditions.
Montague: In English please?
Benvolio: He was walking around about an hour before the sun came up,
moping because some girl didn't like him.
Montague: Oh. I was starting to think he was a vampire or something.
*enter Romeo*
Lady Montague: Let's like go, I don't want to catch his vampire cooties.
*exit Montague and Lady Montague*
Benvolio: What seems to be distressing you?
Romeo: Benvolio, how many times have I told you to quit using big words
like what and you?
Benvolio: Exactly three hundred twenty seven times. But why should I have
to lower my IQ for you?
Romeo: Because if you don't I'll have you executed when my father dies and
I'm in charge of the Montagues.
Benvolio: Alright, I'll try to get stupider.
Romeo: That's more like it! I don't even know if alright is a word!
Benvolio: It is.
Romeo: Oh well. I can't concentrate on grammar right now.
Benvolio: Why not?
Romeo: It's a long story. But I'll save you a two page explanation in verse
like in the original play and tell you in song form.
(Get Free-The Vines)
I'm gonna get free,
I'm gonna get free,
I'm gonna get free, ride into the sun
She never loved me,
She never loved me,
She never loved me, why should anyone?
Come here, come here, come here,
I'll take your photo for you,
Come here, come here, come here,
Drive you around the corner,
Come here, come here, come here,
You know you really oughta,
Come here, come here, come here
Move out to California
Get(get)
Me(me)
Far(far)
When I have a lot to lose
Save (save)
Me (me)
From (from)
Here (here)
When it's pretty time
Look into your mind
Don't wait
I'm gonna get free,
I'm gonna get free,
I'm gonna get free, ride into the sun,
She never loved me,
She never loved me,
She never loved me, why should anyone?
(Come here, come here, come here)
I'll take your photo for you,
(Come here, come here, come here)
Drive you around the corner,
(Come here, come here, come here)
You know you really oughta,
(Come here, come here, come here)
Move out to California
Benvolio: This is 16th century Heck. Where in the world is California?
Romeo: I don't know. *music is heard* The ice cream truck!!
*Romeo and Benvolio exit*
End Act 1 Scene 1