Something More
By Carolyn
Disclaimer: They're not mine.
AN: I know, it's not chapter 13 of After We've Said Goodbye. I'm suffering from minor writer's block where that is concerned, but I did manage to type this up last night after reading Darkest Hour (I had ordered it online and it was shipped to my house, and just came home from college Thursday night so I read it again… ah, I forgot how good it was).
This is the very end of the book, from Jesse's perspective, and altered a little bit, kind of a "what if?" What if Jesse actually got to ask her why she did what she did? Here's my 20-minute imaginative vomit, as a gift to all of you. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and all of that good stuff.
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I didn't think she would ever wake up, so you can imagine my surprise when, thirty-six hours later, Susannah bounded into her room with as much vivacity and life as if she had not just been roaming around purgatory two days earlier.
There was something about her, and it amazed me every time I saw her.
It didn't take me long to realize that amazement for what it really was, but I couldn't admit it. Not to myself, and even more importantly, not to her.
It was forbidden. More so, it was horribly wrong, what I felt, and I could never burden her with that truth.
At least, that was what I told myself just a few days earlier. Now, though… it was a completely different story.
This exquisite young woman—for that was what she was, not just a teenage girl—had for all intents and purposes, killed herself to save a man who did not even have a life to save.
Why?
I know that Susannah enjoys my company, at least when I am not purposely annoying her (I cannot help it sometimes—her reactions are priceless). But I needed to know… was there more? Was there more to her reasoning behind her sacrifice, more than just because she didn't think what happened to me was "right?"
I hoped so. I hoped, with all of my existence, that she felt something else. Something more.
But at the same time, I was terrified. How could she? And even if she did, where could it go? I could not be selfish… in the end, it would just hurt her more than I could bear to do.
But, what if she did?
Would I refuse her? That would be the correct thing to do in this troubled situation.
… but… could I? Would I have the strength, the resolve, to turn away? To break her heart?
I could not bear it. Either way, Susannah would be hurt.
"Oh, you're up," I said as she entered the room. She looked radiant.
She jumped a little at my greeting. I guess I must have surprised her, though I do not know how. I had been sitting here ever since she went to bed after that… ordeal.
"Yes. She had her hands behind her back, as if she was hiding something. It would not surprise me, knowing her. "Yes, I am."
"How are you feeling?"
She awkwardly made her way over to her bed, making sure she kept her back facing the wall away from me. She was definitely hiding something.
That was something else we had in common, at least.
"Me?" she asked.
Ah, Susannah. "Yes, you. How are you feeling?"
"Fine." She quickly stuffed the contents of her hand beneath her pillows, and immediately relaxed and turned more toward me. "I feel great."
I took a breath, and put down the book I had been trying, unsuccessfully, to read while she slept. Oh, not that it was a difficult book, or anything. Quite the contrary. It was just that, it was extremely difficult to try to focus on anything but the brave, amazing young woman lying in the bed not a few meters away. "Good," I said. "We need to talk."
I saw her immediately tense up. "Talk? Um… about… what?"
I looked straight at her, and took a few steps toward her. "About… what happened."
She looked panicked, though I did not exactly know why. "Actually," she rushed, "I don't really want to talk. Actually, I don't want to talk at all. I was thinking I was just going to give Cee Cee a call, and we'd go to the beach or something, because really, I need a day of—"
"Susannah." I had a feeling she would do this. "Please. The beach can wait."
"Uh, no, Jesse. Actually, I um… I heard that it's supposed to be cloudy. For, like, three weeks. Straight. And by then, I'll be back in school. So today is really the only d—"
I stepped right in front of her, and placed a finger over her lips to cut off her speech, trying to hide my smirk. She comes up with the most ridiculous stories sometimes, when she tries to get out of something.
Why was she trying to get out of talking, though?
"Susannah. Sit." She did, not breaking her gaze from mine.
"Um… what's up?"
I did not really know how to broach the topic, even with all the time I had to think about it.
So, I decided to just get straight to it.
I took a breath, and asked, "Why did you do it?"
Her eyes fell to the floor. "I… I already told you that," she murmured.
"Yes. You said you came because you did not feel that what happened to me was right. But Susannah," I did not mean for it to sound as pleading as it came out, "was there something more?"
She looked a little surprised, if the way her large emerald eyes shot up to meet mine was any indication. She let out a small gasp. "W-what?"
I did not say anything else. I just kept my eyes locked with hers, searching within them for the answer that she seemed so frightened to speak.
That's when I knew.
She seemed so incapable of speech, like she did not know what to say, or if she should say anything at all. Her mouth hung open slightly, quivering a little, as if she almost was going to say something but stopped herself before the words came out.
She was shaking. After an intense moment, she averted her eyes from mine, as if she could not bear it any more.
So much time had passed since my question that I did not think she would say anything, but then I heard her, in a voice lower than the smallest whisper, so quiet that it was a miracle that I had heard it at all.
"…yes."
But I was so glad that I did.
I lifted my hand from where it rested on her mattress and cupped the side of her face, tilting it upward. She would not let her eyes meet mine for a moment, but when she finally did, I saw that they were shining. Shining with tears.
Her breath shook as she looked into my eyes, nodded her head shortly, and drew a breath. "Yes," she said again, slightly louder this time, but still a whisper.
"Yes?" My heart, had I one, skipped a beat. How was this possible? How? And why? Why couldn't the circumstances be different? Why did it have to be this way, this impossible?
Susannah nodded again, then broke away from me suddenly, and headed for the door. "I… I have to go," she said in a voice that shook.
"No, Susannah," I stood up, and stepped in front of her. "Please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I had to ask you. I'm sorry if I startled you. But," I said, before I could give myself time to take it back, "I am more sorry that my answer is also yes."
This stopped her. The recognition of those words, of what they meant, sunk in, and she stared up at me. Her eyes were bright, and I saw the corners of her lips twitch into an unhindered smile. "You… you…?"
I smiled. "Yes."
I cupped her face in both my hands, and leaned in to kiss her. It was electrifying. Even more so when she reached her arms up and pulled me in closer, deepening the kiss. I had never felt more alive than I did at that very moment.
"Suze!" I heard her youngest stepbrother yell, and Susannah and I broke apart rapidly. "Cee Cee's here! She wants to know if you want to go to the beach?"
She just stared at me, in shock. Unmistakable shock.
"Go, Susannah," I smiled at her. "If it is supposed to be cloudy for the next three weeks as you say, you should spend some time at the beach today while it is sunny."
She looked down, holding back a laugh at her silly excuse from earlier, and biting her lip. She looked back up at me.
"Suze! Did you hear me!"
"Yeah, David. Tell her I'll be right down."
We stood there for a moment longer, just staring at one another. Susannah broke into a smile, shaking her head at me, as if she still did not believe it. Honestly, though, I believe I had more of a right to be incredulous than she did.
How could a mediator love a ghost?
I did not know, but there it was. It was nothing less than I ever expected.
This was it—my wildest dream, and my biggest fear, had come true. What was I going to do?
With a final shy smile at me, Susannah dazedly stepped out the door, sending a quick look back at me as she left.
It was something more. Shewas something more.
Something way more.
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2005 by Carolyn