Story written for the Drabble Flash Event of the group "We are out for prompt", with the prompt: 'Loki/Tony, where Tony has to help Loki'.
It isn't betaed, so I apologize in advance for the mistakes, but I hope it's readable enough and that it will entertain you, at least a little.
Like a divine Kryptonite
"Stark, I request your service."
Tony lifted his eyes from the holograms of his new project to look at the god, who had just appeared in his lab.
"Say that again, Cruella?"
Said god sent him a scathing glance which gave him a shiver, and not a pleasant one, but it was clear that he wasn't in good shape. There were dark circles around the homicidal green of his eyes, his face was paler than usual and overall he looked like a psychopath who was just a blink away from an emotional outburst which would probably send the whole continent into chaos. The funniest thing, which no one would ever believe, was that, for once, Tony had nothing to do with that and was completely innocent, since he ignored the reasons of such an imminent divine crisis.
"You and your pathetic Director. You swore you would offer me asylum if I agreed to not threaten your pitiful Reign again and to deign you of my magnanimous help as magic consultant."
"If I'm not wrong, and that never happens, there had been several fights and threats and one hulk-out before the truce, but yes, more or less that was our agreement. What kind of big meanie is threatening you, Reindeer Games?"
Even if he had used a light voice, Tony was getting worried. Loki hadn't seemed so close to the breaking point since Thanos, and that had been very dark times for everyone.
The god's accusing finger stopped just a breath away from stabbing him in the chest.
"Your female offspring is a herd of monsters. Deceitful, annoying monsters!"
Yeah, okay, Tony knew he was the smartest man in the world, despite what people said about Reed and that Veidt guy, but Loki's problem was totally escaping him.
"Uh?" he replied, looking at him as if the god had started talking in an alien language, which wasn't even a too farfetched possibility.
"They send me letters. They send me messages in that device called notebook. I cannot leave my home without being spied on or being followed by those giggling monsters. They say I am a poor, misunderstood boy, they dared to call me boy, I, who saw the birth of your idiotic empire!"
For a moment, Tony's brain got stuck.
"Sorry, what was that again?"
"This morning," the god hissed, with his breath full of rage and the words sounding muffled, like he was too angry to pronounce them properly. "This morning one horrible brat hugged me and told me that she would gladly provide for my emotional needs and give me the love I deep down desire."
Tony tried to squeeze his whole fist into his mouth to avoid bursting into laughter, because he was deadly sure that that would be the worst reaction ever, even worse than calling Thor his brother in front of him, or telling him that his leather pants had become too tight.
"They write horrifically sweet and pathetic tales about me," the god continued, his voice rising at each word. "They propose to me, they buy me boxes of chocolate. And because of the pact you mortals had forced upon me, I cannot even mutilate them as a rightful punishment!" he exploded, his green eyes now crazy and almost possessed.
Tony would choke to death, he knew it. He desperately tried to breathe through his fist and to regain the ability to speak without bending over with laughter.
"Let me understand... You realized you have some fans, who are maybe a little too enthusiastic and stalker-ish, and you don't know how to face them?"
The atmosphere in the lab became electrical all of a sudden, giving him goosebumps.
"I know exactly how to face them. It is you Avengers the ones who begged me to refrain from killing mortals," Loki said, his deadly voice so low that it was even worse than a scream. "Solve the situation, Stark, or my truce with Midgard shall be over this very moment and you shall not like it."
Tony felt a cold shiver creeping along his spine. As funny the situation was – the psychopath who had managed to give a Titan destroyer of worlds the final blow that now was suffering an emotional meltdown by the hands of a bunch of human girls, it was simply hilarious, something to laugh at for centuries! – he had no doubts that, with a Loki willing to truly bring chaos and destruction upon the Earth, humanity's days would be numbered.
"Okay okay, I'll take care of it," he quickly said.
The god gave him one last, stern glance, before disappearing in green light.
It had taken Tony a whole day to prepare the press conference.
He put on a dazzling smile for the cameras, while his speech was coming to an end. He was still holding the god's hand, their fingers intertwined since the moment of his big revelation.
"And this is why I ask the people who recently showed Loki their affection to please keep a little distance and respect his privacy. Loki is already taken, and even if I know he has eyes only for the wonderful man I am," he muffled a cried when the god's grasp made his phalanxes creak, "I would find deeply disrespectful if someone tried to hit on him despite knowing he has a boyfriend. So, go look for your own alien god with whom start a relationship, and have a good day."
As soon as the conference ended, he hurried to pull his hand back, rubbing it with a painful wince. No broken bones, or at least that was what he hoped.
"See? Was it truly so much difficult?" he asked then the god, as he grabbed his arm to be teleported back to his tower.
Loki snorted while the reality around them shattered. A moment later, they were in the familiar surroundings of his lab.
"I just hope that this violation of my private life shall have the desired result and was not just a means for you to mollify your jealousy."
"Jealousy? You're offending me, Harry Potter. I did that only for your inner peace."
Okay, maybe he did feel a little bit irritated since he had realized that the female population of America was trying to hit on his not more secret sort-of-boyfriend, but Loki had been the one who had asked for his help.
He cast a sidelong glance towards him, surprised by the lack of a reply. The god's mood had to have improved, since he seemed like he was about to start whistling, and Tony wasn't sure he could welcome the change without fearing some kind of catastrophe.
"What makes you so happy?"
"I find it pleasurable when people around me have problems."
His boyfriend was a huge asshole.
"And what would that mean?"
He was the only one around the god, in that moment. And he didn't have any problems, despite what people and friends used to say.
Loki showed him a toothy grin.
"Lady Pepper, your teammates and Fury did not know about our relationship, did they?"