Crack fics are fun to write. You can make the characters totally OOC and no one will care. Oh well. I'm trying to keep the characters in character, but with this fic, it's proving to be extremely difficult. There will be SLIGHT manga spoilers, so be warned. Enjoy!
XX
It was a simple enough mission. Simple in context, that is. The fact that this S-rank mission was quite possibly the most dangerous mission she'd been on since her fight with Sasori was a completely different matter. And that's why Sakura was in Akatsuki's base right now, waiting silently in the shadows. She was a spy, which usually wouldn't be such a difficult task, but now… There were no signs that anyone was even in the base. No sounds indicating footsteps or voices, no items scattered lazily about the base. Absolutely nothing. It was as if Akatsuki only kept the base for show, as a sign of power and terror.
Sakura was snapped out of her reverie by the sound of footsteps. She couldn't help herself when she sighed in relief. She was seriously getting bored. She concealed her chakra and waited. Within a few minutes, Uchiha Sasuke walked down the corridor, donned in Akatsuki's robes. He stopped suddenly and looked around. Sakura's body stiffened. Did he know she was there? Apparently he did, because he flung a kunai in her direction. Sakura dodged it, but thumped the wall hard. Sasuke locked eyes with her, and Sakura knew she was in trouble. "What are you doing here?" he asked flatly. Sakura racked her brain for an excuse.
"None of your business!" she said finally. Sasuke raised his eyebrows.
"Do you want me to alert Madara and Zetsu that you're here?" he asked dangerously.
"No!" Sakura said a little too quickly, and Sasuke smirked.
"I thought so," he said. He continued to walk down the corridor. Sakura puffed her cheeks and ran after him.
"Where are you going?" she asked him.
"I'm done with Akatsuki," Sasuke said. His voice was devoid of emotion. "Madara can go to hell for all I care." It took every ounce of self-control for Sakura to not squeal in happiness right there. "But I'm not joining your alliance." Sakura sighed in defeat.
"Then what are you going to do?" she asked. Sasuke didn't respond. She decided to stare at him until he finally snapped. He said he was quitting Akatsuki, but why was he still wearing the cloak? "Sasuke-kun, why are you still wearing Akatsuki's cloak? I thought you said you were quitting."
"I am," he replied.
"Then get rid of the cloak!" Sakura hissed at him. Sasuke failed to look in her direction. Sakura bit her lower lip. An uncontrollable rage surged within her. She wanted to make him suffer, to make him cower in fear. After what he did to her in the Land of Iron, he deserved no less.
And she knew just how to do it.
"Sasuke-kun, if you keep that cloak, people will think you're gay!" Sasuke stopped dead in his tracks.
"What did you just say?" Sakura walked in front of him so she was facing him. He was several inches taller than her, so she stood on her toes.
"That cloak has a bunch of red flowers on it!" Sasuke's eye twitched in annoyance and his body stiffened. Sakura had made him uncomfortable; she felt so proud of herself.
"They're clouds," Sasuke corrected her as he walked past her.
"Yeah, because red clouds are so masculine," Sakura said sarcastically, quickening her pace to keep up with him.
"You're annoying," Sasuke shot back.
"No you are!" Sakura practically yelled. She ran in front of him again and crossed her arms. "Your sexuality's already questionable, so why do you hang onto something that just proves that you're gay?" Sasuke glared at her.
"Since when is my sexuality questionable?" he growled at her.
"You've never been attracted to a single girl in your life!" Sakura yelled, waving her arms in the air. "Naruto was your first kiss!"
"That was an accident!" Sasuke looked flustered, and Inner Sakura cheered.
"Oh sure, that's what they all say!" Sasuke glared at her.
"Seriously Sakura—"
"Name one girl you've been attracted to… ever." No response. "Name one." Sasuke shifted his gaze away from her. Sakura noticed her ears were the brightest shade of red imaginable. "I knew it. You are gay!"
"No I'm not!" Sasuke yelled. Sakura could hear footsteps under her. So this Akatsuki base had an underground level… "Let's finish this outside." Sasuke grabbed her wrist and pulled her behind him.
Outside…
Sasuke sat under a tree, and Sakura paced back and forth. "So you've never been attracted to a single girl," she said.
"Of course I have!" Sasuke snapped back.
"Oh yeah?" Sakura retorted. "Name one." Sasuke's ears flushed red.
"Karin," he said. Sakura's hands balled into fists.
"Liar," she practically growled. She knew he was lying, so why was she getting so angry? "You couldn't wait to get away from her. Seriously, who have you been attracted to?" Sasuke fidgeted with his cloak, but didn't say anything else. "So, anyway, I'm pretty sure you were straight back when we were genin. I mean, you looked… pretty masculine. Blue and black is fine. And then you went to Orochimaru." Sakura had to force herself not to point out that he knocked her out and left her on a bench before he left. "And he shoved you into a closet."
"No he didn't," Sasuke retorted.
"No, not literally," Sakura said, waving her hand dismissively. Sasuke opened his mouth to say something, but shut it, turning his head away in annoyance. "You wore an ass ribbon while you were with him. An ass ribbon." Sasuke turned to glare at her.
"Sakura—" he said, but Sakura cut him off.
"And it was purple too," she continued. "Did you know that purple is a gay man's favorite color?"
"What does that have to do with anything?" Sasuke snapped back.
"Everything!" Sakura said, throwing her arms into the air. "And then you go join an organization of sexually frustrated, flowery-cloaked S-rank criminals who wear nail polish!"
"But I don't wear nail polish." Sakura whipped out a small phial of black liquid.
"What's this then?" Sasuke's eyes narrowed at it.
"Where did you get that?" Sakura smirked.
"You dropped it earlier." Sasuke crossed his arms.
"No I didn't." Sakura examined the phial.
"Really? Because it says on the bottle, 'Property of Uchiha Sasuke'." Sasuke rolled his eyes.
"Madara tried to get me to wear it. He likes things neat, so—"
"Excuses, excuses." Sakura waved her hand dismissively. She tossed the nail polish back to him, and he caught it in one hand, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it with his foot. "You really are gay, aren't you?" Sasuke's ears flushed red. "I mean… I bet you've never stuck your kunai in girls' shurikens before!" Sasuke frowned quizzically at her.
"What does that even mean?"
"Go ask that pedophile Orochimaru. I'm sure he knows." Sasuke shook his head in annoyance.
"You seriously think I'm gay?" His tone was a bit lighter now, almost playful.
"Well, it sure looks a lot like it. If you ditched the cloak and… mff!" Sakura's brain struggled to compute what has happening right now. Sasuke's lips were on hers. He was kissing her. Uchiha Sasuke was kissing her. Vigorously. He broke away finally.
"Is that enough proof that I'm not gay?"
Sometime in the near future…
"Whoa…" Karin said.
"Wow…" Ino said. Both of them stared wide-eyed at Sakura, who hugged a pillow to her chest.
"I know," Sakura whined. "It was just so… sudden." Karin grinned, and it looked like she was trying to suppress laughter.
"Wait, so let me get this straight," she said. "You confronted Sasuke about his sexuality…"
"And he kissed you to prove that he's not gay?" Ino finished.
"That's just fucked up," Karin said disbelievingly.
"I'm not kidding!" Sakura insisted.
"I know you're not," Karin said. "Your chakra's not fluctuating."
"Wait, so…" Ino started. "You were Sasuke-kun's first… real kiss and he was your first… actual kiss?" Sakura nodded. "Well did he say anything?"
"Did you say anything?" Karin asked.
"He just asked if him kissing me was proof enough that he wasn't gay," Sakura said, sounding dejected. "I told him not necessarily, but I kept stuttering. Then he kissed me again and asked if that was enough proof." Ino squealed.
"Oh my god he kissed you twice!" Sakura glared at her.
"Shut up, Ino!" she yelled.
"So what happened next?" Karin asked.
"I made an excuse to get out of there and ran," Sakura replied. Karin and Ino simultaneously sighed. "I don't know if this is because he's definitely not gay or because he just doesn't have the experience, but…"
"What?" Ino and Karin asked simultaneously.
Sakura scrunched up her face in disgust. "He's a terrible kisser."
XX
HAHAHAHA THAT WAS SO FUN TO WRITE! I hope you enjoyed this crack fic. PLEASE REVIEW!