NOTES: I've never actually done the lyrics thing before but since its Sweet they're mandatory, so if they suck I apologise in advance. Most of the songs can be found on YouTube or ITunes and trust me they read much better if you know the tune and picture them sung. Also note this is a comedy, you're supposed to laugh… LAUGH! Throughout the story I have parody lyrics to songs so here is the code I've used to help you find them so you can read them in time with the music
[1] Parody of "What You Feel (Reprise)" from Once More with Feeling
[2] Parody of "Bitch/Slut/Liar/Whore" from Toxic Avenger: The Musical (Available on ITunes)
[3] Parody of "Screw Loose" from Cry Baby Broadway Musical
[4] Parody of "The Ballad of Czolgosz" from Assassins (2 verses cut for length)
[5] Parody of "The Stuff" from Reefer Madness: The Musical
[6] Parody of "Once In A While" from Rocky Horror Show (Deleted from the movie)
[7] Parody of "I Think I Got You Beat" from Shrek the Musical (Ending cut for length)
[8] Parody of "Somebody's Getting Married" from Muppet's Take Manhattan
"Does this mean I have to… be your Queen?" Xander asked timidly, not liking the possibility of becoming a demons bitch for all eternity for something that he thought was just going to be light fluffy fun.
"Well you did bring me here, and I'm not going home alone" sweet said slowly rising to his feet, mystical music starting from seemingly nowhere.
[1] "Come on manly one
Can't you all see its swell?
You're the only one
Who I'll drag down into hell"
Xander stepped forward from his friends, hating that urge to sing more than anything
"Can't we come to an understanding?"
Sweet headed down the stairs slowly walking towards Xander with a grin on his horrible face.
"Oh come on now, no time for demandin'
You're my woman now
Xander say farewell"
Sweet reached out as the music hit a crescendo and grabbed onto Xander's arm, both men vanishing in a stream of light that circled above them, Sweet's last note slowly fading out above the shocked group of Scooby's. As the note faded away it was replaced with an eerie silence. Buffy looked up at the sky where the light that had held her friend once was and sighed "Oh F-"
"-uck off Sweet I am not wearing a frilly dress… or a dress in general for that matter" Xander said indignantly pushing back the scary demons frill-based advances
"Some Queen you are" Sweet felt hurt, he'd done everything according to the contract that Xander had signed by casting the invocation and he was getting nothing but grief. "Come on Xander, what's wrong?" Sweet said trying to be comforting, and getting nothing "Nothing" See? He got nothing about everything he'd asked and he'd had enough.
It was like there was something Xander didn't want to tell him… and he knew how to fix that. He waved his hand theatrically as was his way and mystical music filled the air. He saw Xander stand straight, spinning around on his heels as the music sounded oddly like that of a copyrighted melody that was about to be oddly parodied "So Xander, what do you really feel?"
[2] "I hate your stupid goddamn face
And I hate your stupid goddamn race
And as for that damn dress, I hate that thing too
You're a bitch, you're a slut
You're a liar, you're a whore
Did I leave something out?
Cos I got ton's more
Got your clothes from a pimp
And you sing like Demi Moore
Guess I won this round, snap snap score
Biatch, slut, liar, whore"
Sweet was shocked, for starters that the boy had major lyrical issues and then at what he was hearing. He'd been such a good potential husband and now here he was being trash sung to, well he wasn't about to sit there and take it.
"Now sonny boy just shut your trap
I am not here to take your crap
You better sit your phat ass down and know the score
You're my bitch, you're my slut
You're a liar, you're my whore
You look petrified boy
And you're right in line for more
You got no goddamn idea
Of what I've got in store for you
Guess who won this round, snap snap snap snap snap snap score"
Xander ran for the walls, hoping maybe one of them was a secret door "Just get the hell away from me Sweet" he sang but Sweet was fast on his ass "Go to hell" Sweet sung back loudly. Xander pushed him away and kept running, the music building to an insane level, almost Bon Jovi-ish. "You need a fricking face lift" Xander sung as Sweet wrapped his arms around him, trying to hold him in place "Oh no you didn't" Sweet sung to his struggling bride "Oh yes he did" Xander said swinging his fist hard into Sweet's crotch, which only seemed to make the music get more insane for what seemed like hours but was in reality only 20 seconds the two sang back and forth, hurling insults at each other and chasing one another about the room until both were too tired to run any more, the music dying out with a loud cymbal crash as they fell onto the chairs they'd been sitting on before.
"Maybe you could go the Ellen route?" Sweet compromised, knowing now how his bride really felt "As long as I don't need the haircut I'm cool with that"
"I'm not cool with that Giles" Buffy said as she circled around the magic box, back and forth like nothing else
"I know it's not what we were hoping for Buffy but the incantation is very clear, I don't know why Xander didn't read the instructions" Giles was growing more worried by the minute, he had been researching heavily to attempt to find out how to get Xander out, so far he wasn't having any luck "Because the instructions were in that weird Latin stuff that only you and people with no lives can understand… not that you have no life" Buffy said quickly, she was really getting testy about the whole singing and dancing thing as it was but to throw another rescue mission into the mix just pissed her off.
"Well from what I can tell when he rubbed his talisman…" "He doesn't need to do that with me around" Anya interjected, her nails had been bitten down to the cuticle and she was looking like she wanted to go further. Giles just rubbed his forehead "That wasn't a euphemism Anya. As I said, when he rubbed the talisman he signed a contract handing over his hand to the demon" he said, and they all heard music starting off in the distance
"OK this is getting insane, I thought that the singing and dancing was over with once the demon went into his little demon hole" Buffy so didn't want to sing again, she wasn't that good at it and she wasn't even drunk enough that she'd be able to forget it the next morning. "I believed so too but apparently the music won't stop until Sweet is either dead or content" "If I vote I choose dead, this singing stuff is sending me batty" Buffy said before the music that they'd heard in the distance was not right in the magic box with them, Buffy's mouth started moving, singing one thing but thinking 'Oh crap not again'
[3] "Screw this
Latin interpreting
It's completely maddening
And it makes me feel strange
But hey
What the heck can we do-o-o
If we don't know this then Xander's screwed.
Bonkers
That's where you're sending me
Why can't I kick his ass?
Or would that be inane?"
Giles closed his book and wiped his glasses as the urge to ding took over.
"Cos we don't know if they're on this pla-a-ane
Of existence or if they've passed on"
Willow looked up from her book a little annoyed by how little Buffy was listening to their plan such as it was to get Xander out of trouble
"Now Buffy
Just park it
Let's get this sorted
Get Xand back home
Let's get just him out of harm
Then you can carve off Sweets arms"
Willow sincerely didn't like that she had to sing, she thought she'd made that clear at karaoke night all those years ago, but she didn't really have a say in her forced singing. Meanwhile Anya was standing at a nearby window looking up at the sky, hoping for some sort of sign to show that maybe Xander was OK.
"Darlin'
It no-o
Fair you get married without me
But I know that you'll be back
Then we'll get life back on track
Anya stared out the window and gasped onto the glass very breathily, fogging it up. In the fogged up glass in front of her she drew a heart, an oddly anatomically correct heart… she had never understood the weird shape most humans did to represent a heart. Buffy, who had been rightly ignored for several minutes so that other's could have a moment to shine in this story, was annoyed that no one was paying attention to her so in anger she threw he seat back, causing it to splinter loudly at an oddly perfect crescendo moment.
"Screw this
We gotta make this all right
Let's grab all our books and try
And go save the day
And when we find Sweet, I know just what I'll do-oo"
Giles closed his book and raised his hand about to say something when he saw Buffy whip around to glare at him and out of nowhere go…
"I know! Leave me alone! Gosh
I'll just kill him then this'll be through
They all looked at each other, a mixture of impressed at their oddly good singing voices and worry for their friend "You'll kill Sweet? How Buffy, it's not like we can somehow manage to magically get the contract broken and have him vanish in a bright puff of smoke… that's just stupid" Willow said staring at her friend with a lot of shock in her face. "I know its dumb Will; I just wish I knew where he was"
"I so don't want to know where we are" Xander said sitting in the back of a hovering limo, arms folded and sitting back against the seat. He wasn't enjoying this at all, he knew he had an obligation to marry Sweet and be his queen but so far he didn't like the idea at all.
Sweet could see that his bride wasn't going to win any awards for the most enthusiastic bride ever. "Come on Xander, it's not like you're being forced into anything"
"I thought that was the point, wasn't that the fantasy?" "Wha?" "Never mind, point is that I'm not having fun… I mean what about Anya?" Xander said still thinking about his fiancé back home. He missed her with every fibre of his being and wanted to marry her, not a 6 foot tall male demon with a Broadway complex.
Sweet sighed a little; he'd been trying his hardest to get Xander convinced it was all worth it, even going against tradition and putting his new bride in a tux but it hadn't worked. He'd gotten the fancy limo and even flowers that had been promptly trodden on. He just needed to get Xander to the altar, and then he'd have him.
[4] "Xander,
Working man
Grew up a born and bred Californian
Once was a carpenter,
Now my man
Take my hand Xander and I will show you
How life will go
How life will go"
Against his better judgement Xander took Sweet's hand and in a flourish of light and smoke worthy of a multi-million dollar Broadway production. As the smoke settled oddly fast it revealed a hellish kingdom, bright red and full of life.
"See all the people
Here having fun
See all the demons
Whose lives you'll run
Ask them for anything
It shall be done
Isn't that fine?
See now if you stay
You can have your way
With all that was mine!"
As Xander looked down at all the people down below him. Even though the place could use some serious feng shui it wasn't that bad. Everyone did seem pretty happy apart from the few who were doing the Charleston; no one really liked doing that. He looked at Sweet and had to admit that even though he was ugly, scaly, cruel and a dude, he wasn't all that bad. Xander looked at him and thought that he might as well try to like it, since he didn't have that much of a choice
"Sweet man
Understand
I signed the contract to
Be your man
But you gotta know
That something this grand
Isn't quite what I thought
Wasn't all that I knew
Couldn't be much better
Even though there's you
So I'll give it a shot and I'll let you show me
How sweet it is
How Sweet it is"
Sweet grinned and figured that now was the chance he'd been looking for to test his paramour, along with finding a reason to use the term paramour. He reached over and pulled Xander close to his side, not feeling any resistance.
"Good on you Xander it's
Time you won
A life filled with effluence
And drinks of rum
You'll have everything you want
Don't matter how dumb
No need to whine
There is however one more thing
To do
And then us two
Will be King and King
All day we'll sing
You shall never want
For anything
Just do one more thing
For me today
And then you'll be mine
And then you'll be mine"
Sweet knew there was only one way to bring Xander over fully, and he needed it to happen soon "So what is this one thing?" Xander asked before he felt his lips being crushed by Sweet's, it was hard and passionate and tasted oddly like chilli. Sweet pulled back slowly and smiled, wicked thoughts in his eyes "Guess"
"Guessing isn't good enough Giles, we need facts and knowledge and plans that involve me tearing Sweet a new ass-" "Hold on Buffy" Giles said standing up and holding a book tightly in his hand "We don't have time to hold on, we gotta let go and get hold of Xander and I just realised that made no sense so go on" the panic clear in hear voice, Buffy slumped into a chair at the table beside Willow who was on the verge of tears of panic about her best friend. She didn't know what was worse, the fact that her best friend was missing or the fact that he was with a guy who seemed to enjoy musical theatre a little bit too much.
"Right, now I've been researching as much as I can on this Sweet character and what I've found isn't that good" he said turning a page in his book slowly, wishing he'd mistranslated but knowing he hadn't "Giles, I sang a song that wasn't on a karaoke machine and I wasn't half drink, it can't get much worse than it is now" Buffy said sarcastically... and not seeing any sarcasm in Giles's face as he said "How would the end of the world make things?"
Buffy's jaw would've hit the flaw in a comical fashion if this was a cartoon and not a songfic written in reply to a challenge... uh, I mean... her jaw dropped "The end of the... Ok I just had a brain fart" Buffy said slowly sitting down, not noticing the sly smile on Giles's face "Well now I actually have your attention I guess I can tell you that it's not the end of the world" "I'm gonna kill you someday Giles" Buffy retorted laughing nervously "I know, but till then we do have a problem that's about as close to the end of the world as Xander would like to get"
Now Buffy was really confused, way past the high level of confusion she was at already "OK I get Xander's in trouble but all he's doing is marrying Sweet..." a loud wail came from Anya who had been sitting in the corner forgotten "...And it's not like he wants too, plus once we kill Sweet dead it's not like it's gonna matter" Buffy's logic was pretty flawless with the tiny issue of her having no idea about what Sweet was really like. "Actually it will, see once Sweet is married to the person who conjured him from the talisman then he'll be imbued with incredible strength, enough to completely take over the world... plus once the I do's are said Xander will be hopelessly devoted to Sweet, no matter what happens he'll never wanna give him up"
Another loud wail came from Anya, more noticeable and attention grabbing... and oddly in time to background music that seemed to come up out of nowhere
[5] "I can't believe it, Sweet took my man away
Had enough
He think's he'll thrill him, but my guy just won't fall
For his bluff
Oh sure he's tough
He caught us unawares, but I just cannot care
He took my guy away, kill him Buff!
I was a demon; all men were scared of me
Life was tough
Then handsome Xander came and gave to me
Lotsa love
Well I won't give up
I won't stop looking, no
Not till my Xander's home
And we're again just one
Having some sexy fun
Though I can't help it, I wonder
If Sweet'll steal our loving thunder!
I guess that I will find out soon enough"
Anya hadn't even noticed that while she'd be melodising she'd also been walking randomly around the Magic Box and was now sitting sadly on the ladder that led up to the dangerous book "OK this whole thing is well and truly F-"
"-uck me Xander" Sweet gasped as he gripped onto the mattress, his fiancé behind him hammering him hard. Xander had originally been slightly disturbed by the idea of doing it with Sweet, especially since Anya was still at home hoping he was ok. However the more he hung out with Sweet the more he realised that the demon wasn't all bad, in fact he was kinda sweet when he wasn't making someone burn to death while doing the Charleston. Xander grunted like an animal as he kept pounding into the surprisingly perky ass, noticing that apart from the face and hands that sweet was built like any other human being.
"God Sweet... gonna" Xander grunted as he felt his release coming, Sweet's own not far behind him. The man and man-demon fell to the bed, still joined and gasping "See... being with me isn't that bad is it Xander?" Sweet said as he conjured a cigarette out of thin air so he could fit the post-coitus cliché "I'll admit it wasn't the wor... oh who am I kidding, I haven't come that much since puberty" Xander said snatching the cigarette away and taking a drag, followed by instantly coughing madly as he sat up in bed to try and get his breath... his breath by the way came with a backing track that can be found on Amazon for $8.99 or so but that's an ad for another story.
[6] "Once in a while someone'll wanna show you
Something you thought you'd never know
And once you find out what you thought you'd never know
You wonder why, you didn't try it all before
And that's all the time that it takes
For your heart to change its tone
It feels so sublime to lift up the heartbreak
You hear a sound that bring a smile back from a frown"
He turned slowly to caress Sweet's cheek, smiling lightly
"So maybe we're fine and free from the sorrow
Thanks too tonight I've found my own way
You showed me the way to live tomorrow
I know my place, it's on your face. I think we'll be okay
And that's all the time that it takes
For a heart to beat again
So give me a sign that a lover makes
You look around, the one you found is back again..."
Sweet smiled lightly "That's so sweet Xander, though you realise the last verse wasn't parodying anything so much as a direct lift from the song" Sweet said giggling a tiny bit, like an innocent school girl with a boner and weird skin "Yeah but like you care" Xander said as he leaned down and kissed Sweet while his hand went straight for the demons...
"...Cock up, a right bloody cock up is what it is" Spike said as he threw his flaming blanket onto the floor "My clock went all kablooey after Clem decided he was going to sing a sodding aria" "What's Clem doing at your crypt?" Willow shot in curiously "Oh just a little none of your bleeding business. Anyway because of that I misjudged when sunup would be so I nearly got baked... what'd I miss?" he said "The bigger question is what are you doing here Spike?" Giles said as he wiped his glasses off "Well it is my sodding site" "What?" Buffy said confused at Spikes inadvertent breaking of the 9th wall "Nothing... did I miss cake?" he said trying fast to change the subject and failing. Buffy spoke, not even look up from the table "No, just the news that Sweet's gonna kill us all after he makes Xander his bitch" she said flatly not even looking at the bleach blond vampire who'd attempted to serenade her while telling her to piss off at the exact same time.
Spike was a mix of not caring and really not caring, though he knew that Buffy was neither of those two so he pretended to be concerned "So the whelps going to help end the world... somehow I'm not shocked" he failed at the concerned thing on an epic scale "You know Spike, you just get more insensitive by the day" Buffy said, now having the anger needed to jump to her feet and glare at Spike "Well forgive me for not giving a rats" "Oh what, you gonna say you had a hard life and I should just forgive your assery?" Buffy said, Spike made a very strange face "Well yeah, that was sorta the plan actually" He thought it seemed like a good reason, but all he got was an annoyed head shake for his sorrows "Please my life's been way worse than yours and I still have empathy" she snapped, ignoring that telltale music that seemed to seep into the window. Giles however didn't, running to them frantically trying to close it to keep the music out... didn't work. He turned to see Buffy embracing her inner and occasionally outer Diva
[7] "I got nothing but my power
Even that is going sour
Often lonely
Fighting demons
I have only...
One odd sister
Once was not
My mother who I loved a lot
Is now buried down at six feet under
Not magic, couldn't help her
Gone through pain and aggravation
My first boyfriends changed location
As for college
Don't think I get acknowledged
Kicked off twice and drowned 'round fourish
My last death, it had some flourish
All in all my life's a stinker
God I wish I was a drinker
So...
I think I got you beat
I think I got you beat
yeah, yeah yeeeaaahh,
I think I got you beat
I think I got you beat"
Spike stood there unimpressed to the extreme, stunned that the blond object of his affection thought her life was anything less than awesome. "Oh really Buffy, that's all well and good but...
You got no need to be complaining
Your sob stories aren't that draining
Sure your life might sound a rough'n
But you've barely suffered
Been chased by violent ugly stupid sons of bitches
Then the Gorches
Shot me shoulder
Got crushed by a bleedin' boulder
While I lay beneath the rubble
I asked if it was worth the trouble
Was I dying or just dreaming?
Don't forget the Chaos Demon!
So...
I think I got you beat
I think I got you beat
yeah, yeah yeeeaaahh,
I think I got you beat
I think I got you beat.
That was all Buffy could take. While Spike was distracted by his very powerful solo moment she grabbed a stake that happened to be sticking out of her bag and tossed it at Spike's chest, since he was so distracted by his aria he didn't block it in time. He exploded into a pile of dust. Buffy smiled as she sang
"I know I got you beat
I know I got you beat"
Xander stood at the altar, his suit crisp and black as he looked at the throng of people who seemed to enjoy being part of Sweet's own hell. The priest tapped his foot lightly "You know I have a schedule to keep, couldn't you have picked one of the 49 other priests to do this?" he said annoyed as Xander slowly turned, shaking his head "They're all busy in confession... apparently they got a lot to confess too" he said sharply as the doors swung open to reveal Sweet, wearing a very ironic white suit and holding what appeared to be flaming roses. "Interesting choice" Xander said stunned as he watched the guests talking in oddly versical manner, saying things like "Somebody get some flowers, somebody get a ring" but Xander wasn't really listening, things seemed to be falling into place in his life and he was determined not to mess them up. He stood looking at the door where his fiancé stood while the room erupted into song around him. He had never thought he'd be half of a gay marriage but it didn't seem that bad. As the music slowed to a slower tune Sweet began walking down the aisle, softly singing his tune
[8]"He makes me sappy
I wanna keep him
Until forever
We two will sing
He'll stay inside me
We'll just do everything"
Xander sighed before he felt that familiar tingle in his throat
"Together we'll be
The perfect twosome
And we will do some
Magic making deed's
Cos he knows everything I need"
They just stared at each other happily as the crowd that had gathered continued their singing, though all off it went ignore by the two lovers. Sweet walked slowly and surely until he got up to Xander, throwing his flaming bouquet into the lap of an 89 year old who exploded into flame.
"All that I know
Is now I'm happy
That's all I need... to...know"
Sweet took Xander's hand gently and walked up to the priest, sending a magical musical shot through the man of the cloth who opened his book of tablature that showed his part in all this as he needed it
"Do you, Sweet, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband-do you?"
Sweet didn't even pause for thought, though he did for the dramatic chord
"I Do"
The priest turned gently to look at Xander
"Do you Xander take this demon to be your lawful wedded man until you die?"
There was a tiny pause, all eye's turned to Xander, gulping a little from nerves and a slightly sore throat. "Well" "Do you?" the priest sang with more gusto. Xander took one last look at Sweet's happy face and sighed
"I do..."
There was a gasp collectively, everyone knew what was coming. The priest beamed a smile wider than any thought possible
"Then because you share a love so grand
I now pronounce you Sweet and Xan
Sweet leaned over fast, capturing Xander's lips and sealing the deal. His power soared to insane levels, his spell had worked. While the two men kissed Sweet waved a hand and all the people who had witnessed the blessed event started dancing, one by one catching fire... but Xander and Sweet ignored it. Xander gently pulled away, singing his final song.
"Can't think of a day with a better end
With my man till the end"
He smiled as Sweet reached between them "Oh I can think of a better ending" he said as he gently pushed his eager bride to his knees and unzipped his pants.
Xander pulled his head out of the what-if tub and looked at Anya, a beaming smile on her face "So honey, you like your present?" she said happily as she readjusted her hat. Xander nodded "It's really cool... so I can seriously see what life would be like if one tiny thing was different any time I want?" he said excitedly as he dried his soaked hair "Yeah, but only in 42 minute doses... though depending on the specialness of the what if it might go up to 48" she said as she picked up the very large bird bath shaped steel toy "And no one else knows what I saw?" "Only if someone tapped into your brain and typed down everything you saw into story form and put it on some kind of electronic blog... but what are the chances of that?" she said as she walked outside to get the cake "Now get out here so we can have some cake and then sex" she said over her shoulder as Xander slowly stood up, rubbing his tingly lips a little "Coming Ahn" he yelled, though his brain simply thought 'Why did that blowjob feel so real?'