A/N: just a short story to re-stretch my mind and fingers after NOT writing for over a month!

"Blackleg-ya, I need your general assistance," Law declared, slamming the kitchen door open and causing Sanji to squeeze his icing out with a startled jolt.

It was a brilliantly beautiful day out on the sea; the Thousand Sunny was docked away from the island, with the rest of the crew enjoying their stay out on the town. Nami had said that they would stay overnight in town, and Sanji had volunteered to stay in for watch because he needed to finish touching up some dessert recipes without interruption from the others. The peace and quiet was welcome, and he'd been working in silence for some time when Law interrupted him.

He'd thought the surgeon of death would be taking advantage of the town's amenities rather than hanging out on the quiet, empty decks of Sunny. He wondered what happened to the clown – maybe the Idiot Trio was using him for target practice, or something.

Sanji chewed on his toothpick with a sneer as he watched Law glare at the seven tiered cake.

"You looking for some facial surgery?" Sanji asked. "Because if that face keeps regarding my beautiful creation like one would gaze down upon human shit on the deck – "

"No, asshole," Law returned, fists clenched at his sides while he regarded the cook with that same glare. He'd heard the rumors of Sanji's odd facial reconstruction surgery – he had to hide his amazement because he wanted to explore that rumor but…

He managed to say, "After much debate, I have determined that you'd be the one I'd need to approach regarding this particular problem. I still have a few hours before it'll happen but – "

Sanji drew his eyebrows together with concern. "So, what…is this? A doctor thing?"

Law fiddled with his sword for a few moments, then muttered darkly, "A date."

Sanji nearly died on the spot. He dropped his icing onto the floor. Law rolled his eyes.

"It's not a big deal, Blackleg-ya," he said impatiently.

"How is someone like you," Sanji gestured at him wildly, "able to get a date?"

"I don't know these things, my crew does it for me. Just…I need to borrow a shirt."

"This is so unfair!" Sanji cried.

"Maybe a tie as well," Law considered, looking over his outfit with a skeptical eye.

Sanji gaped at him for a few moments. Law snapped his fingers at him to bring him back to reality.

"Are you going to do this, or do I just have to rummage in your shitty little locker for myself?"

"You bastard, you first step into my office with a request, blast me with upsetting facts then declare war upon my things? It's like you want to be drowned!" Sanji huffed, picking up his icing and set it aside. He wiped his hands on his apron. "If you didn't care in the first place, why even try for an impression?"

"I secretly admire villains that take the time to dress the part," Law confessed. "Unfortunately, I lack similar fashion sense. But it seems you're hip to it."

Sanji looked the older man up and down. The former warlord was in jeans and a yellow tanktop today, wearing brown high top sneakers that made his upper lip curl with disdain. Law looked like someone that should be lounging in some back corner of an alley with colorful drugs and crouching gang members at his bidding, not a former warlord that boasted of a multi-figure bounty.

"I do want to return you to the juvenile detention center you slipped away from…"

Law gave Sanji's vest, collar shirt, tie and trousers a disgusted frown. "What do you need to dress up for, your highness? You're the only one here."

Sanji rolled his eyes, hand on hip. "I'll do this under one condition – you follow my instructions to produce a successful date."

Law looked at him suspiciously. "Why would I want to participate in your whimsical fancies?"

"If you're going to be wearing my clothes, you might as well as act the whole part! I don't want your bad vibes to rub off on my shit to give me shitty luck with the ladies, later…"

"From what it seems, Blackleg-ya, you're the only producer of your 'shitty luck'."

"And yet you want to bathe yourself in my shitty luck by wearing my clothes."

"I figure with your track record, this will be as shitty a date as I prefer."

"I think you're just saying all this shit like some tough guy. You're probably nervous deep inside, wanting to make a good impression. And you seek my help because you know I'm the only one on this crew that can give it! With this in mind, I am more than eager to assist," Sanji then said, looking cheered at the thought while Law rolled his eyes. "Admit it, you secretly want at least one of these dates to end well enough to stumble back to the ship with a good story to share with the rest of us losers."

"If you're suggesting a walk of shame, of course I won't be. I'm a pitiable twenty-six year old virgin who has never been kissed," Law said haughtily.

"How you can say that with such a straight face scares me," Sanji said with concern, hand to his heart.

"Of course I'm not, Blackleg-ya! I've slept with tons of bitches and have a crude reputation for it! The more lives I ruin, the better I feel about myself! By the way, do you have any condoms?"

Sanji understood that Law spoke with such dry sarcasm that he could either be telling the truth or lying, and had to stare at him for several moments to determine the proper direction to take with the conversation. But his facial features screwed up with pity, taking out the toothpick from between his teeth with immense disappointment.

"I'm going to ignore all that big chatter," he said, clapping his hands together. "I will assist you with a functioning wardrobe to get you a lovely lady's heart, tonight."

"Finally," Law muttered bitterly. "Give me a few minutes. I need to wash my dick in the sink, first."

Sanji kicked him out of his kitchen with a startled cry.

Minutes later, Sanji buttoned up the white shirt he'd picked out and flipped the collar up so he could apply the simple black tie. Law stood there uncomfortably, eyes moving from side to side to avoid looking at him as Sanji focused hard on the task. Once he was through with that, he quickly fixed his tie and then adjusted the collar.

"I am going to tighten a few places here," Sanji muttered, pulling out safety clips and gathering shirt material with a determined look to his eye. "Skinny fucker."

"I don't understand why I am standing here as a doll you can dress like it's almost time for tea," Law grumbled, feeling his skin retract from the places where Sanji was using the safety pins like a fencing sword. "All I'm going to do is sit there and eat something that's more appetizing than the slop you've been tossing to this crew so it's not like I need all this extra attention."

"Your crew babies you too much," Sanji sneered at him, buttoning up the jacket. He then crouched down in front of him to fiddle with his trouser pants, yanking on his hems. "Probably sends ahead for a tailor to find you plain shit so you walk into dates looking slobby and uncouth, just like your face."

"You're obsessed with my face."

Sanji straightened up to look at him, eyes snapping here to there to determine his next line. He then said, "Because it's terrifying."

Law frowned at his close proximity. He had a nervous sweat going for some reason. "Have you seen yourself when you're looking at the navigator or archeologist?"

Sanji harshly adjusted the jacket to fit Law better. Then he looked the man over with a sigh. "Well, I did my best, but I can only change your appearance, not your personality."

"I look like a dandy," Law complained, slapping on his hat. He looked into the mirror nearby, scowling heavily as he adjusted the brim to his liking. "Why do I have to look exactly like you?"

"You wish you did because if you did, you'd look handsome and not scary. Now, here," Sanji instructed, reaching over to grab the flowers he'd intended on dressing the table with and slapping them against one arm. "Take these. Give them to her, and say something like, 'I saw these and thought immediately of you!'"

"Why would I say that when I have no idea what she looks like?" Law complained, looking at the flowers with disgust. Sanji snatched them back. "And what's the point of giving someone something that's already dead? I might as well as search around your kitchen for a dead rat to give…"

"How could you not know what your date looks like if your crew arranged it?"

"All I know is that I show up and sit down and she approaches me because everyone knows what I look like."

"Are you being sent right into a trap?"

"Quite possibly, knowing how much my crew hates me," Law said gravely, turning this way and that to admire himself. He had to admit, Sanji's clothes fit him rather well, save for the fact that the hems of his trousers were a little too short and Sanji's shoulders and upper torso was bigger than his; he might have height on his side, but he was still thinner than the cook.

"Just give them to her and say something nice," Sanji then said with disgust, handing the flowers back.

With a heavy sigh, Law took them. "Well, whatever. I'm going to get this over with."

"I'm going with you, hold on," Sanji said, reaching into his closet to pull out some basic black and white clothing.

"Why? Did they recruit you to tell on me?" Law asked, wearing a shocked expression as he picked petals off some of the buds.

"No, shitty idiot! I'm going to go there and make sure you don't mess it up!"

"Why would you do that? That's stupid. Leave me alone. I'm a grown man."

"It makes sense to think of your crew waiting on you hand and foot, wiping your ass for you – that's probably why you turned from a smiley sociopath to a frowny-faced psycho in the space of two years at Punk Hazard," Sanji muttered, pulling on a black shirt and running a hand through his hair. "You suddenly had to do things by yourself for yourself and it was a shitty experience."

"It was," Law admitted. "Monet kept trying to sleep with me."

Sanji sank to his knees in front of his locker while Law made a face. He adjusted his collar, flicked away imaginary dirt from his shoulders. He did like the way he looked, but was too embarrassed to say anything about it.

"Can you imagine trying to stick your dick into something Doflamingo's already laid claim to?"

Sanji wiped his face with dragging hands, trying not to allow such filthy images to scar his mind, while immense jealousy raged through him.

"Not that I can," Law continued, picking more petals from the flowers and dropping them onto the floor, "but I imagine that's what she was looking for. Just because I'm tall doesn't mean everything's lengthy."

"Just…shut up. I hate you."

"Not that I believe in the myth that vaginas remained stretched out after being with multiple men because babies come out of there. Of course it would shrink back to size– "

"SHUT UP."

Law exhaled uneasily. "I guess I am a little bit nervous," he admitted. "Because what if she ends up liking me anyway? Can you imagine the lengths I'd have to take to scare her away just so I could complete my life's missions?"

Sanji stood up, looking at him with concern. "I can't imagine anyone liking you romantically. You're a terrible person."

Law blushed uneasily. "Thank you."

"That wasn't a compliment!"

Clearing his throat, Law adjusted the tie's clasp around his neck and said, "You're not going to be there to dictate my entire conversation with her, are you?"

"No, but I'll be there to put out any fires you might start."

Law looked concerned, plucking more petals before Sanji realized what he was doing and snatching the bouquet from him. "I've always worried about becoming an accidental firebug, so maybe this is needed. I'd hate to leave a meal before I had a chance to eat it."

"This is going to be a terrible date," Sanji had to admit to himself, looking weary.