The bedsit was grey. Grey like his soul. Cold. Dark. Lifeless.
John sat on the bed, head in his hands, his eyes cast towards the desk. The laptop - all he has left of his life before - and the drawer that safeguards his long-forgotten service pistol.
Words echoed through his mind, over and over.
"People have died"
"That's what people DO!"
He closes his eyes, pointlessly, against the wave of emotions: confusion; guilt; panic; grief. So much grief.
"Sherlock!", he shouts. Did he shout it? He wasn't sure. Maybe he did. Maybe it was just another memory.
There were lies. Words were spoken. John knew them all, from memory, despite his vain efforts to forget. He couldn't even do that. He couldn't forget. He couldn't forget any of it.
Not the words, not the lies, not the pain. Not Sherlock. Not crazy, beautiful Sherlock. Not confident, exhilarating Sherlock. Not stubborn, desperate Sherlock. His Sherlock.
"Sherlock!" His voice sounds hoarse. Wretched.
Then those words again
"People have died"
"That's what people DO!"
He chokes back a sob and raises his head. Straightening his back and his shoulders, like a good soldier, even a crippled, useless one, should, he sits upright and resolute.
He looks towards the desk again. The laptop cursor blinks at him, provocatively. He sees hope. He feels it.
Yes, he nods to himself. He can do this. This is what he needs to do.
He stands and, ignoring his cane, closes the gap between himself and the future.
Sitting himself down, he glances, once more, at the laptop. Memories flood him: laughter; frustration; adrenaline; love. He allows himself to smile. So much love.
A tear escapes him and drops to the desk. It bleeds into the worn oak, taunting him. Reminding him. Of what he had. What he lost.
"Sherlock!" he whispers, almost inaudibly.
He can do this. This is what he needs to do.
Sitting straight, shoulders back, he composes himself and reaches into the drawer, removing the pistol, revelling in its comforting feel in his hand.
Those words again, just one last time.
"People have died"
"That's what people DO!"