A/N SO WEIRD. I got this idea while bringing down my laundry and I did it in just 45 minutes while my radio was playing cheery Christmas songs. I never cease to freak myself out. Please be warned, this is sort of horror!crack with Kabaji hearing voices in his head.

Disclaimer: Let's be reasonable now, shall we?

You are not a robot. You're a person, a being, someone with actual emotions.

Of course, many people find that hard to believe, since you never speak or show emotions.

Or so you think.

Don't be confused, Munehiro. You know what I'm talking about. You know the real reason people talk behind your back and call you names. The real reason no one takes you seriously.

Yes. Look to your left. Now you see it, don't you?

He's the reason. He's the reason for all your woes.

You don't believe me? Think about it, my dear Munehiro.

Did anyone bother with you before he showed up? Did they ever talk about your strange, non-speaking ways?

No, because you never got the chance to test it out. He invaded your life like he had been invited, changing it forever.

Would it have been for the better? We'll never know, will we?

Well, that is, unless…

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Munehiro. You know I don't mean that.

Don't you dare try to tune me out, you bastard. I'm always here, in your subconscious. I'll always be here.

Hah. Trying to focus on your homework instead? Shouldn't you be doing that at your own house instead of his?

Why are you even here? To wait at his every command again?

Of course you are. Don't deny it. You're like a puppy, just following him around with nothing better to do. Or better yet, a servant.

That's right. A servant. Did you really think you were anything else to him? Friends? That's bullshit, Munehiro. You're just a tool, a device to make his life easier.

Yes, I know he has enough of his own servants, but are any of them his age? Are any of them able to go to school and to the tennis club with him?

Are any of them able to be with him for every moment of his life?

Don't make a face, Munehiro. It'll give him the notion you have a personality.

But it doesn't matter, does it? Since he's not even looking at you anyways. He's just doing his homework, completely ignoring you even though he invited you over. Is that what friends do?

But you wouldn't know, would you, since you don't have any anyways.

But you might've had. If he hadn't screwed everything up, that is.

With him, no one bothers to talk to you. You're just his shadow, not even worth other people's acknowledgement. No one bothers to get to know you, to befriend you.

And you know why?

Because it's all part of his plan. Yes, in the grand scheme of things, he wants to isolate you from others so you won't be able to see.

So you won't be able to see that this isn't a friendship you have with him.

He doesn't want you to notice that true friends don't act like this.

Because without other people, there's no one to tell you that you're just his servant and make you doubt him. And that would just be wrong, since nobody doubts Atobe Keigo, right Munehiro? Not even you dare to, because in the end you're just his servant. His dog.

But too bad for him, since you have me, don't you, Munehiro?

You have me. Me, who can tell you the real facts through all the fabricated lies.

I'll tell you the truth. Just listen to me. Yes, just like this. Let your stupid brain work on its own to finish that stupid homework and listen to me. Your real friend.

Yes, just like this. I knew you'd get the hang of it, Munehiro. You're such a smart little boy.

But no one would be able to figure that out when you're next to him.

When you're next to him, everything you do is average.

Average smartness, average looks, average tennis skills…

You're just a big pile of average stupidity.

But not to me. To me, you're a smart, perfect little boy. Yes, Munehiro, it's true. Would I ever lie to you?

Would your mind ever lie to you?

No. That's right.

Oh, well look at that. The young master is thirsty. Well, we can't have this, now can we? And look at that, there are no servants around to help him fetch a drink.

Except for you.

And as if you were trained (because you were, from when you were just a wee thing), you rise and mutter "Usu."

Just like the perfect little robot he made you to be.

Ever notice that whenever you go to his house the servants always seem to be more relaxed? They don't even watch as you two do your work.

He says it's because he doesn't like his servants to know about his personal life.

I'll tell you the real truth.

They're all slacking off because they know that you'll take care of everything for the young master. Because in reality, you're much better of a servant than them.

See that? They even smile at you as you lumber down this huge staircase.

That smile isn't of friendliness, Munehiro.

It's a smile of pity, of happiness that you're so reliable that they don't need to do anything.

But most of all, it's a smile of mocking.

They're mocking you, Munehiro. They're thinking, "Useless thing, what does Atobe-sama see in him anyways? Well, at least he's a good errand-runner."

And then they smile at you, because they're laughing at you.

Laughing at your poor, stupid self.

Even the house chef is mocking you. As you can see, he's had drinks and snacks ready all along, but he's never sent for a servant or carried it up himself because he just knows that you're going to come down and get them. Because you're such a useful little servant, aren't you?

And how trusting he is, to just lay them out on the dining table, with sharp knives and forks just in case you want to cut them smaller so that Atobe-sama can have a more enjoyable eating experience.

Look around, Munehiro.

There's no one watching, is there?

Why don't you pocket that knife, that big sharp one by the left?

Oh, don't worry; it's not like its stealing or anything. I'm just telling you to carefully slip it into your pocket.

Why?

Oh, so it's easier to carry, of course. I would never think of such morbid things, Munehiro. With that big platter, it'd be better to just carry the snacks and drinks, and leave the other knives behind.

After all, no one wants to get hurt, right?

And then, you'll also have a knife on handy just in case the pieces are too big for Atobe-sama's mouth.

Yes, I knew you'd understand. Gently, gently, don't poke yourself while putting it in your pocket, my dear Munehiro.

Because I care for you, and I'd never want to see you get hurt.

Which is why I'm trying to tell you to get away from the young Atobe Keigo.

He doesn't want the best for you, Munehiro. He just wants the best for him. He's not a friend. He's a dirty, manipulative bastard.

And be careful while walking up these stairs again, Munehiro, even though you can't possibly trip.

He's made you walk this path so many times before, it's impossible to even fumble.

Can you remember all the times you've made your way up and down these stairs, carrying various things for him?

No, because there's been so many that you can't possibly have remembered.

Do you get what I'm saying now, Munehiro?

This guy's only using you.

He doesn't care. He doesn't give a damn about you.

All he wants are his stupid crackers and cheese and expensive iced tea.

And that's not right. Because you're not a robot, Munehiro. You're a being. A person.

And I can't stand to see you this way.

Because I really do love you.

I'm your only friend in this world. I'd never betray you or anything like that.

Believe in me. Trust me.

Listen to me.

Oh, look. The young master's smirking, and asking you how was your journey.

It's his own sick way of teasing you.

You don't think so? Well, think about it.

Journeys are supposed to be long, right? Obviously, he's saying you took a mighty long time to deliver his beverages and snacks.

He's saying you're slow, Munehiro.

A big, fat, slow robot of a servant.

And of course, being the stupid servant you are, you just nod and go "Usu."

Sometimes his control over you sickens me.

But he never knows that his plans are being ruined, that at this very moment someone is telling you of his true nature.

And he's never going to know, because your poker face never shows any emotion. It never shows that I'm talking to you, or that you're listening to me.

Are you listening to me, Munehiro?

Well now, isn't that sweet. He's taking the tray from you to put it on the big desk behind him. And he's doing it with such grace and elegance, too.

If he's so strong, why doesn't he bring it up himself?

Oh. Right. Because he has a servant to do it for him.

Three guesses for who that'd be.

I see your face stiffen, Munehiro. Is it that you're finally getting what I'm telling you? Leave this foolish bastard.

He doesn't appreciate you, anyways.

Remember that knife you brought in your pocket? It'd be of great use now, I'm sure.

That's it, Munehiro. Slowly bring it out, gently, gently. You don't want to make any unnecessary noises, now do you?

And his back's still towards you, while he puts the tray down and admires all the food on it appreciatively.

With eyes that are always so cold towards you.

He cares about a plate of cheese and crackers more than you, Munehiro.

Do it. You know it's the right thing.

He's now taking a small piece of cracker to his lips, because he trusts that you're just standing behind him silently, not moving.

Because his servants would never backstab him.

But you would. We would.

And in the most literal sense, too.

It's so easy. It's so incredibly easy, Munehiro.

Just reach it out a bit. Good.

Now swing your arm back a little, and think about his lying, smirking face.

That face that's always ordering you about, the one that's always laughing at your stupidity.

The one that in just a few seconds, will be full of pain and anguish.

Because he underestimated you, Munehiro. And no one underestimates Hyoutei, right? Isn't that one of his favourite things to say, anyways?

And- oh, doesn't that feel good? The feeling of the knife sinking into his flesh. Blood trickles down his back, but no sound comes out.

Of course it doesn't. You did such a good job, killing him effectively so quickly that he never had time to call out.

I always knew you had paid special attention the body system.

And as he's falling face-first into his beloved snack platter, knife still in his back like a stupid, arrogant, fool, I know you see it.

I know you see the truth now.

And, even though I'm just your mind, hiding away in your subconscious, I can see your smile.

I can see you smiling, Munehiro.