NOTE TO READERS: Please have an open mind and heart as you read this story. I don't really care about reviews or anything, I just want to share God's heart with people. However, if somehow I get reviews asking for more or if there are any questions, I will be happy to oblige.
Thank you. And enjoy... :)
This was it.
He had to do it.
What other choice was there?
Do it now, and it would all go away.
"They won't blame me. After all, this was my fault."
Standing over a precipice, staring into a seemingly black oblivion, the earth clearly below, but so far. It was going to hurt.
If only he could go back.
Change everything.
But what was done, was done.
He turned his solid stare from the drop below him to the heavens. He gazed into the night sky, the slight chill from the altitude hit his skin like a lover's whisper.
Suddenly, he thought of her.
Her smile.
Her touch.
Her very essence.
Then came the flashes.
His mistake.
And what it did to her.
And now, because of him, she was gone.
He fought back the tears that longed to stream down his face, looking back down at his awaiting doom. His suffering would be over. No longer would he be tormented with the memory.
Emptiness.
Black.
A red splat on the cement.
That's all he was destined to be.
"That's it then." he said aloud. He began to slowly lean over the edge of the building. As he closed his eyes and prepared his body to go limp, he whispered, "Forgive me."
Then suddenly, out of the darkness, he felt a hand take his; gentle as he had ever felt, but strong enough to hold him still. "What are you doing, son?" a male voice said, sounding as soft as silk. He was somewhat stunned, as he was leaning over the edge of the building, paused in the beginning of a downward fall. "What's it look like?" he said in frustration.
As if he weighed like a feather, he was lifted up and placed firmly on his feet. He stood facing an older man. White hair that was grown out, a trimmed, well-kept beard, in a white shirt and worn overalls.
The older man looked him up and down and dusted him off as if he were a small child that had been playing in the dirt. "At least you're not hurt." he said, glancing at him with a smile. He looked at him, confused and astounded. He suddenly burst, "What do you think you're doing?" he shouted, throwing his hands out in frustration. The old man looked around, "Well," he started, "Looks like I'm here, standing next to you, helping you from making a huge mistake."
He frowned angrily, "Yeah, well, you should have done that a long time ago." He turned away from the old man, walking toward the edge again. "Really? Well, if I'd done that, you wouldn't be here, now, would you?" said the old man.
He chuckled, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" The old man seemed to ignore his question. He looked at him in the face. A genuine, relaxed smile was there. Something in his eyes was warming, but he wouldn't allow the feeling, or try to understand why.
"Tell me." the old man finally said. "Tell you what?" he replied. "What happened. Why do you think this is your only way out?" the old man asked.
He turned his head away from him again. Even thinking about it was heart wrenching.
"Why should I tell you? I don't even know who you are." he replied instead. The old man smiled, still gentle and warm as before. He looked him square in the eye, "You may not know who I am, but I certainly know you, Jason."
His eyes widened, and he slowly backed away, "What? But...how do you-? It was her, wasn't it? She told you to follow me!"
"No. It wasn't Judith. She has nothing to do with this." the old man said.
"How do you even know who I'm talking about? What the hell is going-? Who are you!?" Jason shouted in frustration.
The old man looked at him with compassion. He slowly began to approach Jason, but he still backed away.
"You can call me Papa." the old man said with a grin. Jason looked very confused, acting like he was backed in a corner. He looked around him, then back at this "Papa". He suddenly became curious. "Tell me, Papa...how did you know I would be up here?" Jason asked, an accusing tone in his voice. Papa only smiled.
He looked up into the night sky, and the wind chill seemed to fade, and it became still and warm. Jason looked at Papa, waiting.
Papa closed his eyes, "When you were conceived, Jason, I watched you. I held you in my arms and took great care in forming every little detail about your body. Your mother's ears, your father's eyes, nose and mouth. Watching you move your little hands and feet as you grew..."
As he spoke, his faced beamed with pure bliss. Papa continued with, "And then, the day you were born...what a marvelous day that was! I was so proud to give you to your mother and father. And the look on their faces when they saw you-oh! You should have seen it!" he said, smiling widely.
Jason just stood, not knowing what to say.
"Watching you grow up from a boy into a young man...I love watching every second. Seeing you with your friends and being with your family, helping your mother raise your baby brother...you know, you get that urge to help from your father? Yes...he always put the ones he cared for first. Something I instilled in him a long time ago. He and your mother definitely raised you well...you are a good man, Jason." said Papa, still beaming with pride.
"I don't understand...how do you know all of that? How can you say that stuff? I mean—-you act like you've known me since before I was born!" Jason shouted, frustrated and confused. Papa just looked at him with a gentle smile.
"I have, Jason." Papa said, giving him a wink. "What, do you think you're God or something?" Jason asked sarcastically.
Papa sat down, motioning for Jason to sit next to him.
Jason carefully sat down, distancing himself a few feet away.
Papa smiled, "I know you're mad at me, Jason. And I understand anger. Even I get angry. But you have to know, this is not my fault, and it isn't yours either. Cheryl's death-"
"Don't say her name!" Jason shouted suddenly, interrupting.
Papa put his hand out, "I'm sorry, Jason. I know it's painful. But I ask you, now, to only listen. You have asked many questions. I am here to answer them." he said softly. Jason wanted to cry, but he held it back with all his might.
"First of all, Jason, yes, I am who I am. I have many names. The most common is God, of course. But like I said, you may call me Papa. I've known you your whole life. You may not have known I was there, but I was. I walked right beside you. Your parents believed in me. They prayed for you. You had your own ideas of the world, and that happens a lot in this age. So many people question things around them. Many have begun to doubt me."
Jason only looked at Papa, trying as best he could to keep track.
"You see, so many people look at the problems in their life, the problems of others they care about, the problems and concerns of this world...they see them, and immediately, they cry out to the heavens asking why I would allow such pain and suffering to come into their lives if I truly loved them. Then they see something wonderful happen to another person, and again, immediately questioning me about why not them. Just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. People assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."
Jason was utterly lost. Understanding Papa would've been extremely hard for him even if he wasn't so upset.
Papa chuckled a little, "I know you're having trouble understanding this. A lot of people do. Understanding anything in this world requires thinking with your head. The understanding of what I speak of requires your heart and spirit more than anything."
"I'm sorry, but this is very confusing..." said Jason. "I don't expect you to understand yet, Jason. Maybe, first, we should talk. Tell me what happened to her." Papa said gently.
Jason's eyes were welling with tears. He closed them tightly, fighting them back again. "Take it slow if you need to." Papa said, wrapping his arm around him. At this point, Jason was too upset to care about the old man's arm around his shoulders.
"It was her birthday..." he began, sounding a little choked up, "...and I was taking her to see some friends for a small birthday dinner...at least, as far as she knew. She didn't know it was a surprise birthday party. She was always so easy to fool." Jason let a small smile slip. Papa smiled back, still listening intently.
"She was definitely surprised when everyone jumped out. Everything was perfect. And seeing her smile...I was glad I could make her happy. Everyone was having a great time. Everyone was drinking, dancing...having fun. Cheryl was opening presents, and I...I was in the back room of the house. I had a ring I had bought. I was going to ask her to marry me. But I was so...scared. Scared that she might say no. So...I drank. I drank to give me the courage to ask her."
By this time, Jason was biting his lip, his tears still held back as best he could. Papa only sat, patiently listening.
"When I found her with her friends, she was pretty sauced already. And...well, I didn't wanna ask her in that condition. I wanted her to remember it. I wanted it to be special. So, I put the ring away. We stayed for a while, kept drinking and having a good time. But she wanted to go home. She kept telling me that she wanted to drive, but she could barely stand up straight. I took her keys away from her and she collapsed in my arms. I put her in the car and I got in the driver's seat..."
Jason looked over at Papa, waiting for the look of judgment he always got from everyone who heard the story. But Papa only looked back, still gentle and warm, waiting for him to continue.
"I drove us home. I wasn't anywhere near sober, but I was better than she was. Everything is still blurry from driving back. I can only recall so much. But I do remember the rain pouring down. I remember feeling like...like something was wrong. But I figured it was just the alcohol. But then I lost control. I couldn't get the car straightened out. Cheryl woke up in the middle of it all. She was screaming. I saw brake lights in front of me and slammed on mine, but I hit head on. We spun into the opposite lane, and were hit by another car. Our car rolled 3 times and landed on the side of the road upside down..."
Jason sat in silence for a moment. The fear from that moment gripped him again. "What happened next?" Papa asked gently.
"I remember waking up inside the car. It was pouring rain...it hit so loud on the car. There was glass everywhere. I was lying on the ceiling of the car inside. It's still hazy. But I remember I couldn't find Cheryl. I called out for her. I remember somehow getting out of the car...and I remember the two other cars were both turned over on their sides. Then...I saw Cheryl...lying in the road, blood surrounding her..." Jason stopped. He couldn't bare it.
He turned his head away from Papa, hiding the tears now freely flowing down his cheeks. "Don't ever discount the wonder of your tears. They can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak." Papa said, gripping Jason's shoulder.
Jason got a hold of himself after a moment, looking back at Papa, "Why am I telling you all this? If you're God, don't you already know?" he asked plainly.
"Simple explanation is: I want to hear your side from you. I know, yes, and I see everything through it. I see both sides. But I want to bring healing through this. That's why you're telling me." Papa explained.
"How does talking about it heal me? Every time, it's done nothing but hurt me." said Jason.
"So many times, people choose to ignore the healing process in order to move on from it as quickly as possible. Yes, moving on and getting over it is wonderful, but it leaves a deep wound from it if you don't heal from it first. Pain is not evil. It shows you are human. It's there to tell you there's something wrong. It's like being in a new relationship after you've gone through a tough break up. The person before did certain thing to hurt you, and when the new person somehow does something like it, that emotional wound starts to bleed again." said Papa, "I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside."
Jason sat next to him, his head hanging as he listened.
"The beauty of healing is it comes from brokenness. There is so much strength that is shown when a person can shove past the pain of their hurt, the beckon of depression, and the stubbornness of their pride and give every last minuscule feeling into my hands. That moment is what I long to have with my children. That moment is when I can take all those burdens and shape it into something beautiful you never thought it could be. " Papa said, gleaming with joy.
"Some people don't want it." said Jason in an angry tone. "Well, funny thing you say that. Actually, all people want to be happy. But they want happiness their way. Some people aren't willing to give up their pain and sorrow because they want to feel something. Fueling and lingering on that feeling will only lead you into long suffering. People want happiness to come when they want it. In their time. When you chose independence over relationship, you became a danger to one another. Others became objects to be manipulated or managed for your own happiness. Authority as you usually think of it, is merely the excuse the strong ones use to make others conform to what they want. " explained Papa.
Jason only stared off, still listening, but angry.
Papa continued, "Timing is everything here. It's how things are run and organized. It's what so many people say they don't have enough of. My Kingdom is a place where time is not a factor. I am timeless. Therefore, my timing is infinitely perfect. And when you allow me to shape your life, everything falls into place perfectly. But...I gave independence to humanity. The choice to allow me to do that is your own. I am always here by your side as you walk. I watch you. I see. And I know the choices you make. I am a guide. But until you can surrender into my grace...I will not interfere with your choices. Submission is not about authority and it is not obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect. Submitting unto my ways is a choice to love and respect."
Jason turned and looked at him at that. He stared into Papa's eyes in disbelief. "I've always been told God is all powerful...well, tell me, if you really are all powerful, why don't you interfere?! Why do you let people die?! Why don't you stop it from happening?! If you're so good, why don't you stop the bad?!" Jason finally blurted out. He stood up and walked away from Papa, tears welling in his eyes. Papa wasn't shocked. He only sat still, looking over at Jason.
Jason turned around, "Well...?" he shouted.
"Nobody knows what horrors I have saved the world from cause people can't see what never happened. All evil flows from independence, and independence is your choice. If I were to simply revoke all the choices of independence, the world as you know it would cease to exist and love would have no meaning. This world is not a playground where I keep all my children free from evil. Evil is the chaos of this age that you brought to me, but it will not have the final say. Now it touches everyone that I love, those who follow me and those who don't. If I take away the consequences of people's choices, I destroy the possibilities of love. Love that is forced is no love at all." The words Papa spoke seemed to echo with a weary haze.
Jason was stumped. He had no words or reaction. Papa only watched him, waiting. But Jason had nothing, he tried to say something back, but was silenced.
Papa slowly approached him, reaching out. Jason broke into heavy tears, falling into His arms. Papa held him like a child for a long while as Jason wept.
After a while, Jason calmed down, breathing and sniffing back sobs. His head laid on Papa's shoulder, he muffled, "Why...why did she have to die?" Papa pulled Jason up, looking him in the eye.
"Jason...her death may have been tragic...and I know you, her mother and father and sister would have never wished this...but it happened. What's done is done. But remember, Jason, death is just another path. One that everyone takes."
Jason looked him back in the eye, still not satisfied with the answer Papa had given.
"But you know...my Son, long ago, died for everyone. A lot of people know the story of his crucifixion and resurrection. But what is not quite understood is the weight of which he bore. In those moments of His greatest glory, He bore the weight of every human being...the sins of the world were put upon Him. The sins of murder, thievery, adultery, blasphemy...everything you could mention was placed upon my Son. And in that moment, I was with Him..." Papa's eyes began to well, "...In that moment, we were together. But as He died, I had to turn my head to see the very Gates of Hell break. With His death, he relinquished the Sting of Death, he eliminated the wall between me and my beloved children. No sin can hold you back from my graces because of my Son. I don't need to punish people for sin. Sin is its own punishment, devouring you from the inside. It's not my purpose to punish it; it's my joy to cure it. It has no authority or hold on your life unless you, yourself, allow it to. But when my Son rose from death, He walked in step with me...in His full authority, He brought life to everyone." Papa looked at Jason again with a smile, "...Jason, Cheryl did not die for no reason. She is dwelling in my Kingdom. She is free. And compared to where she is now, her death was nothing."
Jason smiled as gingerly as he could. He still wasn't ready. "Judith...she still blames me. Everyone does."
"I will encounter Judith. She needs me now more than even she realizes. And know this, she really doesn't blame you, but instead she blames herself. But in her mind, placing it on you is easier. You'll need to forgive her. She has reasons in her past as to why she does." said Papa in a compassionate tone.
"How can I forgive her? She calls me a murderer and even at the funeral she said it was my fault! Her and I...we're too different and I can't just forgive and forget the stuff she's put me through! I could never do that!" Jason exclaimed.
"Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat... Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established... Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation... Forgiveness does not excuse anything... You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for her wholeness..." said Papa, gently.
Jason looked at him, with a confused smirk on his face, "You know, you're nothing like the God I've heard about from the Bible..." he said with a chuckle.
Papa erupted into laughter, deep, honest and so infectious that it nearly made Jason want to join in. After a moment, he stopped and looked at Jason with a big grin, "You know, a lot of people don't know who I really am." he said, sort of matter-of-fact like. "What do you mean?" Jason asked. He suddenly realized how interested he was.
"In order to know someone, you need to be in relationship with them. Not necessarily in a romantic sense, but a true friendship. You learn things about one another, you bond and grow as people and there is a certain love in that relationship that's so precious. Each relationship between two persons is absolutely unique. That's why you cannot love two people the same. It simply is not possible. You love each person differently because of who they are and the uniqueness that they draw out of you. And the more you know another, the richer the colors of that relationship..." he said with a smile, "But the thing most people don't realize...is that's all I want with them. I long after your heart. I don't just want a piece of you and a piece of your life. Even if you were able, which you are not, to give me the biggest piece, that is not what I want. I want all of you and all of every part of you and your day. Being in relationship with anyone is when you truly learn who they are and what they're about. I want to know as much about you as you do about me. But it's the choice that everyone faces. To let me in. To let me be in relationship with them."
Jason scoffed, "You're God. You could just snap your fingers and make it happen. You can do anything!" he said.
"True love never forces, Jason. That's no way to start or maintain relationship. All I want from you is to trust me with what little you can, and grow in loving people around you with the same love I share with you. It's not your job to change them, or to convince them. You are free to love without an agenda. But it's your choice to give your heart into me and be in relationship. And when they do...oh! How I love it!" Papa's smile seemed to get bigger and brighter as he spoke.
"That's when I'm able to share with them, pour out to them, love and heal them. It's when I can know their heart! Their hopes, dreams, and desires, and I can lead them on the path towards those things! I can take an empty, broken spirit and turn it into a ravishing, untamed spirit that has strength and righteousness! They are free to know me and I to know them without walls or limits! It's when I can know my child by their free will to want to know me..." Papa was bursting with joy, it seemed as if his eyes had begun to glow with rich colors, the likes of which Jason had never even imagined.
"When someone is able to let go of everything or 'empty their cup', to put it in another sense; they are giving me the ability to serve them as they are serving me. I can fill that cup with all the wonders and beauty of what living in relationship with me truly is..."
Papa took Jason's hand. He didn't quite know what to do, but the sense of peace he felt as Papa's hand touched his own was so inviting.
"You asked what I meant earlier...you said I should've stopped you from making a mistake a long time ago. And when I told you that if I had, you wouldn't be here right now, you didn't know what I meant...do you remember that?" asked Papa.
Jason nodded. "Well, Jason...if I had interfered with anything going on, I would've thwarted the possibility of this moment with you. Sometimes, it's at a person's lowest point that they realize...they need more than just their own knowledge and understanding. I'm sorry it happened, Jason, I really am. I know it's been hard. I know you've struggled every day just to hang on to sanity. I know you've thought that you deserve to die. But Jason, I'm here to tell you..." Papa squeezed his hand and looked at him, "...You are forgiven."
Jason was hating himself for crying so much, but he couldn't help it. He began to sob quietly. "Jason, it was not your fault. No blame is on you. But you are forgiven, none the less. You were forgiven a long time ago. You don't deserve to die. What you deserve is love." said Papa, wrapping his arms around Jason.
Suddenly, Jason's heart changed. As Papa's arms engulfed him, his mindset shifted. He then realized that he had his arms around him too, embracing Papa back.
It was so strange, but so inviting. He felt...calmed. There was a comfortable warmth and an intoxicating scent about Papa. To his recognition, Jason could only compare it to the smell of an approaching summer rain. He could think back to the moment he had had with his own father.
Jason, as a teen, was a very strict athlete. His dad, being a former baseball player, had encouraged him to join the team. He was skilled at the sport and became quite good and popular amongst his schoolmates. He remembered a very close game he had played against a rival school. He was up to bat. His father has always reminded him to play hard and to his full ability, but to stay focused in having fun too. Jason stepped up, bases loaded, the bat held perfectly in his hands, ready to knock the ball into the back field for a home run.
The ball came at him, and everything seemed to slow down. He swung, hit the ball directly, and bolted for the first base. Suddenly, he heard the whistle blow. His ball had hit the pitcher directly in the head, knocking him down and unconscious. Everyone was rushing to see if he was alright. Jason just stood still, not knowing how to react.
After the game, Jason sat in the locker room, alone. The pitcher had been taken to the ER to check for any serious injury, but as far as anyone could tell, he seemed fine.
But Jason felt terrible. His father came into the locker room, and quietly sat next to him. "Been looking for you, kiddo." he said.
"Yeah." Jason answered, staring at the wall. His dad tried to make eye contact, "You OK?"
"I got too serious. Too focused on winning the game." he said quietly. His dad put his hand on his shoulder, "Son, people make mistakes. There's not a person who doesn't. That doesn't mean you're not a good person. Besides, it was an accident. It was, wasn't it?" his father said, nudging him playfully. Jason cracked a smile, "Yeah."
"There you go. Stop blaming yourself. You're a good young man. You're good at what you do. Don't let this hold you down. You're forgiven. Get up, and move on." his father said. Jason looked at his dad, nodding.
"You know," his father said in a whisper, "...I couldn't help but laugh when the guy hit the ground. They had it coming with how they were playing." They both laughed.
His father wrapped his arms around him, "I love you, Jason."
"I love you too, Dad."
Jason seemed to squeeze tighter as he recalled that moment. Papa squeezed back, "I'm especially fond of you, Jason. I'm so glad to have this moment with you!" Papa exclaimed.
"Me too." said Jason. He thought for a split second. He really was.