I love you all.
Minerva looked at Harry sadly, shaking the face of her clock body. "I'm afraid that the only way through to the beast is through Dumbledore."
"Dumbledore?" Harry echoed. "Who is that?"
"The door," the clock explained. "And Hagrid never lets anyone through to Dumbledore."
"And Hagrid is…?"
"The rag over by the door," Minerva sighed. She turned to her…friend...Snape. "Severus, do you know where Madam Pomfrey is?"
The bottle of Snapple iced tea shook his head. "That old pompom tends to just muck around with Sprout nowadays."
"The plant?" Minerva wondered, receiving a bottley nod in response. "What about Madam Hooch?"
"That owl toy doesn't talk to anybody," the bottle of iced tea muttered tartly.
Harry looked at the objects with confusion. "Can I go talk to the door-guy now?"
"Oh, but of course," Minerva exclaimed, hopping towards him and raising her hour hand. "Make sure to bring Ronald with you."
"Ronald…?" Harry mumbled.
"The candlestick," Minerva explained, sighing. She looked over at the half-melted candle. "RON!"
The candle glanced over at her. "Jeez, what's your bloody problem?"
"He's arrived," the clock growled back.
"...Oh," the candlestick replied. He hopped over to Harry, who was standing still in complete and utter incomprehension. "Hey there, mate."
"Hi…" Harry greeted. "Um, can I go to the door now?"
"Go for it," a book said, "but have fun getting through that oaf."
"Oaf?" Harry muttered.
"The rag, Hagrid," Minerva explained again. "Hermione, why don't you assist Harry as well?"
"Only if I must," the book sighed, tumbling over to the black-haired teenager. "I'm Hermione."
"Nice to meet you…?"
"Indeed," she sniffed. The trio then walked over to the rag. Harry stepped on it and they proceeded to the door. Harry banged Hermione against the door and entered a sleeping chamber. Padding over to the bed, he saw the perfect person.
"Voldemort…" he whispered lovingly. The book and candlestick gagged. Harry glared at them before destroying them. He and Voldemort then eloped. The end.