Hey there, I'm AwesomeQueenoftheLab, but you can just call me AQotL. Here are a few things that you may want to know…
As you can tell from my opening, I am a fan of Chuck (the "Awesome" in my username is another clue). Though I normally write for the Bones and Psych sections of this wonderful website, I decided to try my hand at a Chuck story. The result was this oneshot: Sarah and Casey vs. Black Friday.
I came up with this a few hours before heading off on my own Black Friday expedition when I started thinking, "What would happen if Casey and Sarah went Black Friday shopping?" Obviously, chaos would be inevitable, as shown in this oneshot.
I'm pretty proud of this work, given my condition at the time of writing (I was completely sleep-deprived after a morning of shopping). I tried to keep everyone who appears in character, but since this is a humor fic, I just HAD to make the characters a little bit funnier (especially Sarah). Hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it!
Also, as a side note, this should have actually been published on Black Friday, but I was way too tired to finish it.
Spoilers: Just a couple of references to "Chuck vs. the Nemesis" and "Chuck vs. the Crown Vic."
Disclaimer: I do not own Chuck in any way, shape, or form. If I did, I would bring Chuck and Sarah closer together and bring Bryce back (just because I really like him, not to prevent Charah from happening).
Sarah and Casey vs. Black Friday
Colonel John Casey was staring at his computer longingly, a melancholic air surrounding him. Somberly, he scrolled page after page through pictures of Crown Victorias, all of which were too expensive for his budget. The NSA just doesn't pay enough these days… he thought grimly.
There was a tapping at his door, and Casey – his hand poised right above his gun – swung the door open to find Chuck Bartowski and Sarah Walker on his front step.
"Bartowski, Walker, you better have a good reason for coming here when I'm in the middle of … something very important," Casey grunted as Chuck and Sarah stepped through the open door.
"And this important thing is searching for a new car to replace that old Crown Vic?" Chuck snorted as he motioned to the computer. Casey shot him a death glare, and Chuck held up his hands to defend himself. "Hey, hey, that was almost two years ago! I thought you'd have forgiven me by now!"
" 'Forgive you?' You blew up my car, Bartowski!" Casey roared. Chuck whimpered and automatically went into the Morgan position. Sarah realized it was time to intervene and stepped in between the enraged NSA agent and the terrified human Intersect.
"Enough, Casey!" she shouted. "We came here for a reason. Chuck needs to tell us something." Sarah stared at Casey until he removed his hand from his gun with a dissatisfied grunt. Once Chuck was convinced he was safe (for the moment), he slowly slipped out of the Morgan position and pulled a sheet of paper out of his pocket.
"Actually, it's more of a request," he said as he unfolded the paper. "As you guys know, tomorrow's Black Friday, the major shopping event of the year. I have some things I want to get during the sales, but Emmett has me working all day at the BuyMore. When I heard that somebody…" Chuck paused mid-sentence and shot Casey an annoyed glance out of the corner of his eye before continuing "… weaseled his way out of his shift on Black Friday…"
"Who're you calling a weasel, Bartowski?" Casey growled, cutting Chuck off. "It's not called 'weaseling' when you threaten your boss, who's completely terrified of you – for a good reason, too."
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually feel sorry for Emmett," Chuck muttered to himself. Sarah stifled a small snicker before prompting Chuck to continue.
"Anyways, since you guys don't have to work tomorrow, I was wondering if you could take care of my Black Friday shopping for me," he said, holding up the crinkled sheet of paper. "I have some things in mind for Morgan, Ellie, and Awesome that have really cheap sales prices, so people are going to flock to the stores to get them before they're gone. I need you guys to be in that crowd of people bursting into the stores the second the doors open. Can you do that for me?"
"You must be out of your mind, Bartowski!" Casey bellowed. "I've only had one Black Friday experience, and it involved lots of broken glass and gunfire! There is no way I'm going through a repeat of that!" Once he spoke, Casey mentally cringed at his own words. Great, now I'm starting to sound like Bartowski.
"Casey, Black Friday's normally not like that. The worst thing that could happen is if someone gets claustrophobic… or if boxes start to fall off shelves… or if there's a stampede…" Chuck trailed off and shuddered. "Wow, it's actually more dangerous than I thought. Anyways, are you guys up for the challenge?"
"Sure, Chuck, we'll take the risk," Sarah smiled. Casey gave a short laugh before adding, "On one condition – from now on, you stay in the car when we tell you to." Chuck paused to consider the offer, then slumped his shoulders in defeat and moaned, "Fine. Here's the list."
Sarah grabbed the crumpled sheet of paper from Chuck's outstretched hand and scanned the page:
Morgan: Guitar Hero
Ellie: Heart-shaped diamond necklace
Awesome: New treadmill
"I need you guys to get those items by any means necessary. Do you think you can do that?" Chuck asked cautiously.
"We're government agents, Bartowski, not incompetent," Casey grunted. "Of course we'll be able to get everything on your list 'by any means necessary'."
Black Friday: Mission #1 – CASEY
I am going to kill Bartowski when I get out of here.
Casey weaved around display tables and eager shoppers at the department store, whose designers had obviously not factored Black Friday into their equation when calculating the dimensions of the store. Women with armloads of bags were squashed up against him on all sides, causing Casey's internal irritation level to rise another five points. A low growl reverberated in his throat as more shoppers packed into the narrow aisle way, intensifying the twitching of his trigger finger. These conditions were relieved when Casey spotted an opening ahead of him and pushed through the dense crowd of bodies.
Stumbling into the jewelry department, Casey pulled out the sales paper Chuck had given him the day before and glanced at the picture of a necklace with a heart-shaped pendant encrusted with tiny diamonds. He snorted at its exaggerated elegance, but continued through the department.
Finally, Casey reached the table advertising the jewelry brand that made the diamond necklace. Peeking in the boxes on the table, he finally spotted a box containing the heart-shaped diamond necklace and reached for it. Unfortunately, another hand beat the NSA agent.
"Excuse me," a man about Casey's age huffed as he slid the box off the table, wrenching it out from under Casey's palm. As the man pushed his glasses down to the end of his nose to inspect the necklace, he grinned at Casey mockingly and said, "Sorry, I think that's the last one. Why don't you try another store? Hopefully they'll still have some left."
Seething, Casey grabbed the man by the neck and shoved him against the mirrored wall behind him. "Why don't you try another store?" he growled menacingly.
His glasses askew and eyes mimicking those of a deer caught in headlights, the man stammered, "M-maybe I should. I believe there's another one of these stores down the street." Satisfied with this response, Casey released his hold on the man's neck. The man shoved his glasses back on his nose and passed Casey the necklace with a quick, "Here, you can have this," before bolting for the doors.
Casey smirked at the box in his hand as he made his way to the checkout.
Mission accomplished.
Black Friday: Mission #2 – SARAH
Maybe this isn't going to be so hard after all.
Sarah wheeled her shopping cart through the appliance section at Sears, pausing every once in a while to look at something on the aisle end-caps (Hey, alarm clocks are on sale! I should probably get some back-ups…). She had already effortlessly grabbed the Guitar Hero game for Morgan, and was on her way to pick up Awesome's treadmill. Hopefully, there'd still be quite a few left.
Au contraire. Unlike with the Guitar Hero game, by the time Sarah reached the area of the store where the treadmills were advertised, all that was left was the sign comparing the sale price to the regular price.
Surprised by this, Sarah began to plan out a strategy that resulted in her departure from the store with a treadmill, despite any consequences that could form from her actions. Chuck had said to obtain the items "by any means necessary."
Tapping her foot on the lower metal basket of the cart, Sarah caught a glimpse of a lone salesman staring intently at his watch a few feet away. After shaking her hair out of her ponytail and deciding that her v-neck shirt was low-cut enough, Sarah plastered a flirty smile on her lips and sauntered over to the bored-looking young man.
"Hi there, Kyle," she purred, reading the salesman's name off of his nametag. His eyes slowly wandered their way up from the watch to Sarah's face. As she tossed her hair over her shoulder, Kyle's eyes widened until they were the size of the golf balls being sold in packs of four in the aisle behind him.
"Ah… ca-can I help you?" he stammered, a complete loss for words.
Sarah's flirtatious smile grew even larger. "I sure hope so. You see, I really need to get one of those treadmills, but the store doesn't have any more on the sales floor. Do you have any more in the back?"
Kyle's dumbstruck expression stayed in place for a few seconds, until he furrowed his brow apologetically. "I'm sorry, I don't think I can help you. I think we just sold our entire stock."
Sarah nodded slowly, preparing for Phase B. Tears welled up in her eyes and sobs convulsed through her body as she turned away from Kyle. "But that was the last item on my list! It was the thing I needed the most, and all of the stores are out of it! I feel like such a failure!" she cried dramatically.
Unsure of what to do, Kyle awkwardly patted Sarah on the shoulder and tried to calm her down by saying, "No, no, you're not a failure."
"But I am!" she wailed, her voice rising yet another decibel. Sensing that Kyle was very close to changing his mind, she gave him the final push by falling into his arms and weeping into his shoulder. Still keeping up the act, Sarah waited eagerly for Kyle to react.
Not a moment too soon, Kyle said, "You know, I think we do have another treadmill or two in the back."
"Really?" Sarah shrieked excitedly, automatically dropping the act. "Oh my God, thankyouthankyouthankyou!"
"It's no problem, I guess," Kyle murmured happily as he led Sarah to the back room. The CIA agent was just as content as the young salesman.
Mission accomplished.
Black Friday: Missions #1 and #2 – DEBRIEFING
Chuck was sprawled out on the couch, completely drained of energy. After dealing with customers' computer issues all day while under the surveillance of the tyrannical Emmett Milbarge, all he wanted to do was relax. Unfortunately, a sudden knocking on the door jolted him awake and forced him to answer the door.
Groaning, Chuck swung the door open, but his mood lightened a little bit when Sarah stepped through the door, holding a large plastic shopping bag. The door began to swing close, only to be stopped by Casey's foot as he entered carrying Awesome's new treadmill.
"Don't forget your promise, Bartowski," he grunted as he set down the treadmill. "Since we took care of your little Black Friday shopping, you have to stay in the car when we tell you to."
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Chuck mumbled, then changed the topic. "So, were you able to get everything easily?"
Sarah and Casey looked at each other before Sarah said cautiously, "There were a few… complications."
"Oh no," Chuck moaned. "Ellie saw something on the news about gunfire in a Sears store – please tell me that wasn't you guys."
"What do you think we are, Bartowski? Idiots?" Casey growled. "No weapons were used in our efforts to find everything on your little shopping list. Walker did however have to do a lot of flirting with a salesman to get that treadmill."
"And we all know how great Sarah is at being a flirt," Chuck muttered, a hint of jealousy in his voice. "How'd you shake him off?"
Sarah smiled in a semi-mischievous way. "Once he carried the treadmill out to the car, I thanked him for helping me find it and told him that I was positive that my boyfriend would enjoy it. He was crushed."
"I'll bet," Chuck snorted before turning to Casey to hear about his shopping expedition.
"The store was packed, the lines were long, and some moron grabbed your sister's necklace before I had the chance," Casey grumbled. "But I took care of him."
Chuck slapped his forehead in frustration. "Look, I don't want to know what happened, but please tell me that the poor man made it out alive."
"Oh, he made it out alive alright. Ran out of the store screaming like a little girl," Casey snickered. "That was the only satisfying part of the experience, so I don't know if I'd be willing to go again."
Chuck nodded his head vigorously. "Well, good, because after hearing about how you guys were able to get this stuff, the only person who's going to do my Black Friday shopping from now on is me." At that, he grabbed the shopping bag from Sarah and stomped upstairs, leaving the two government agents standing stunned in the living room.
Before he heard Chuck's bedroom door slam closed, Casey shouted after him, "Well, I hope that computer in your head can tell how to survive Black Friday, otherwise you won't make it out of the stores alive, Bartowski!"
PLEASE REVIEW! I'd like to hear what you guys thought of it. Loved it? Hated it? Thought it was okay? I appreciate all comments, for they'll help me improve my writing!
This may be my first Chuck fic, but it is not by any means my last! Once I finish some of my other stories, I have a bunch of Chuck ideas to write about!
Enjoy and review!
Charah forever!
AQotL