Well minna-san, this one needs just a little explanation...because the traditional warnings just don't fit. This is strictly PG-13, if even that. The deal is that there is emotional angst, but not on the suicidal side of that. Oh, spoilers for Trowa's past...not to bad, but they do ruin the surprise. Also, it may look like Trowa has a split personality at first, but he doesn't. I just use the names to differentiate his outward appearance with who he is inside. Also, this is entirely narrative, so no actual dialogue, but people still say stuff, so don't run away just yet. Ok, I think that's it. For those of you still here, enjoy.
Amazing Grace by Banshi
~ Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me ~
Trowa forcibly woke himself from the nightmare. The only sound in the cabin was his harsh breathing, echoing off the metal walls. The ship itself was quiet, only mechanical noises disturbing the night. He could imagine himself alone, drifting through space. This was alternately comforting and terrifying. If he was alone, no one would come and hurt him. If he was alone, no one would come and comfort him. He was overcome by a need to be held, to feel warm and safe. For the first time since he knew what it meant to join the Mercenaries, Trowa wanted his parents. He wanted to go home. Except that he wasn't Trowa, he was Nanashi, and he didn't have parents, didn't have a home. Nanashi curled up on his bunk, under his blanket and felt hopelessness engulf him. He felt tears burn behind his eyes and curled up even tighter. He wanted to go home!~ I once was lost, but now am found. Was blind but now can see. ~
The next morning he was Trowa again. His face betrayed nothing, his voice betrayed nothing, and his eyes betrayed nothing. He wasn't really fooling anybody, but the others had their own past pains to deal with. He was counting on that to keep them away from him. He had even thought that it was working. Two pairs of eyes told him that he was wrong. One aqua pair proclaimed understanding and friendship would be given freely. One indigo pair offered comfort and a safe haven. He wasn't sure what he would do in either case. He was relieved that he wouldn't have to decide. There was a war going on, not much time for friendly heart to hearts. None the less, both gazes haunted him, even when their owners were nowhere to be found. Trowa couldn't allow the friendship that Quatre offered. Trowa couldn't allow the mysterious revelation that Duo was offering. It didn't matter that Nanashi wanted them.~ 'Twas grace that taught my heart of feel ~
It was when he kept finding 'gifts' in his cabin that Trowa started to become uneasy. At first it was just a few, caring touches. Dinner waiting for him when he worked late on Heavyarms. A note that there was still enough hot water for a bath. Little things that screamed Quatre, but in a very polite, non-invasive way. Nanashi calmed under such care, and Trowa could have lived with it. If it had only stayed that way. If the nightmares had stayed tolerable. If he hadn't had the cabin next to Duo. If Duo hadn't seen Nanashi.~ And grace my fear relieved. ~
Trowa once again dragged himself from the nightmare, bursting from dream to wakefulness in a frenzy of flailing limbs and constricting sheets. His knee hit the wall, causing him to yelp a little and bite back a curse. The pain merely augmented his despair, and he had to grind his teeth to keep from verbalizing his misery. He hugged his knees to his chest and buried his face in the blankets, allowing it to soak up the tears. Nanashi once again drowned under the helplessness and loneliness and weight of his emotions. Then his intense need for comfort was answered by a pair of wiry, strong arms. For an irrational second, he thought it was Heero. Nobody else looked like this embrace felt. Just as quickly he knew that it wasn't Heero. He didn't have to look to know who owned the rounded cheek pressed to his neck, the long rope of hair carelessly draped over his arm. Trowa wanted to lash out, to push this comfort away. Nanashi reached out and accepted it, pulling warmth and safety closer. Duo didn't object. Nanashi fell asleep in the cramped narrow cot, dry eyed for the first time in years. In the morning Trowa found that he couldn't feel ashamed or upset, but was relieved that he had woken alone. He needed the time to think about in before facing those knowing eyes.~ How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed. ~
Not a word of agreement or rejection was spoken between them. Duo would just appear in the middle of the night, when the weight of his life would try to crush Nanashi. With Duo holding him, just breathing and being warm, Nanashi felt safe. In that safety, Trowa started to melt away, leaving only the boy who had taken the name. When he realized what was happening, he was terrified. Without Trowa, he was just Nanashi, no name. He was nothing. He tried to push Duo away then, to leave him his stolen identity, his invisible shield. Duo's eyes just promised to steal him a better one.~ Through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come ~
They were separated on the next mission. He with Quatre and Duo with Heero, as always. The nights became torture, immediately as horrifying as they had been before, but with a new terror to drive him to tears. The thought that Duo would not come back. That, dead or bored, the braided pilot would abandon him. And abandon him now, when his shield was gone and he was helpless in the cold, dark world. Trowa immediately started to replace Nanashi again. Quatre seemed to notice the cracks in this facade, but chose to leave them alone. Trowa scoffed at that, the boy probably thought delicacy was required. Nanashi stayed in the darkness and whimpered softly, waiting for the heavy boots to announce his next tormenter. Duo's footfalls where always whisper quiet, as if his approach were some wonderful secret. Often Nanashi didn't hear them until his savior was already in the room. There was danger in the loud steps. Trowa pulled himself through the motions of living, ignoring the scared boy inside of him. The shield back in the absence of a protector.~ 'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, ~
In the darkness, in his weakness, Trowa once again melted away. Nanashi comforted himself with thoughts of his friend, his braided baka. When they were alone, and Duo held him, trembling in the dark, Duo was silent. A word had never been spoken before dawn, even when Duo stayed because Nanshi couldn't sleep. Nanashi had found himself filling the void. He told Duo everything, about the nightmares, the mercenaries, the real Trowa ... everything. Duo had listened to him silently, often with tears running down his cheeks to splash on Nanashi's upturned face. Duo didn't judge him, didn't turn away from him. Duo held him tightly and kept the cold darkness and pain away. Now the cold darkness was pulling at him again, offering numbness. He wasn't strong enough to make it go away by himself. He was just a boy with no name, he had nothing to fight it with. Except a pair of warm, loving indigo eyes, promising that he would never be alone. In the hours between midnight and morning, Nanashi let himself believe that it was real. He hoped with all his frail, broken heart that Duo had made that unspoken promise, and would keep it. More often than not, Nanashi would fall asleep with a phantom heartbeat beneath his ear, and the softness of phantom hair clutched in his hand.~ And grace will lead me home. ~
One day, after months of missions and Quatre's polite conversation, Trowa had had enough and sought solitude in the hanger with Heavyarms. Hours passed with only the sound of whirring machines and his own breathing to break the silence. He found peace in the silence, thinking of Duo. At first he thought the message was a figment of his imagination, then the hanger doors opened and the two winged Gundam's touched down. Their jets stirred up everything, from dust to rags, to Trowa's bangs. So he saw Duo descend from the metal specter of death with both green eyes wide open. Or he wouldn't have believed it. Duo was as he always was, in black and smiling like a maniac. He was also carrying a slim folder with the numbers 03 stenciled on the outside, and dragging a very happy Catherine behind him. He handed the folder to Trowa, and told him to meet them in the kitchen when he had read it. His eyes told Nanashi that he had kept his promise. Trowa crawled into Heavyarms to read the file, but Trowa never got passed the first page. Nanashi disappeared half way through. Duo had indeed kept his promise. He had stolen a name for a broken boy, but only from the black hole of that same boy's past. Triton left Heavyarms to join his sister, and his beloved, tears of joy shining in his eyes.~And grace will lead me home.~
*owari*