-For my beautiful, beloved Casey. Stay strong and never forget-
Why: Because I rather enjoy playing with words and their double meanings, It's September, and this pairing is unappreciated and desperately needs love.
Estuary
When I finally found him, it was hours after whatever the hell had happened with Itachi and that freak Madara or whoever was over. He had slunk away somewhere alone. And now, in the growing twilight, he was still alone; still brooding as ever, sitting on the shadow-blackened grass of the sloping bank of a small river. Sasuke had always told me it is not my job to concern myself with his personal life and well-being; always reminding me that I was just there to fight when needed. And I had acquiesced. But now, when all I could see of him was the blue-moon reflection of his violently trembling black hair, it was becoming more and more difficult to force myself to keep my shallow and reluctant promises.
Thing is, I've feared since day one that this would happen. I've gotten way too close to that damn Uchiha brat. My eyes always linger a bit too long on that pale skin that seems to glow with a faint white light. Every time that passive mask shatters with emotion, I can't escape the thrill that runs through my veins. I'm fucking pathetic.
He's more than my leader. No, to me, Sasuke is some kind of twisted reflection of the love I always imagined would add some happiness to my harsh life. To me, he is the embodiment of a vision of beautifully dark perfection. He is an obsession.
Have I tried to deny it? Hah, who wouldn't? Honestly, though, there's no point anymore. Not now- now that everything's gone to shit.
Sasuke's shaking harder now.
That anguish.
Poor kid's had to deal with the fact that on the day he should have been put at ease, his hatred traded for peace at last, he discovers that his entire existence has been based on lies. He's the type of person who builds everything up, carefully clawing his way from the ashes to the top only to have it all come crashing down right before his eyes. That's the kind of existence that hurts the most. To have everything, and then to lose it all. How many times, I wonder. How many times has Sasuke lost everything that he worked so hard for? Everything that mattered?
As for me? Well I'm the type of person who's shut down at every turn. My life is like a little stream of water trying to find its way to the sea. Every time it makes a little progress, or avoids an obstacle in its path; right when things are finally looking up, someone throws a barrier right in its way. And the little stream is halted in its tracks- confined by the barricade until it starts to rot and forget what it's like to be free.
I'm just a perpetually dammed estuary.
But see, it's so much easier for the stream to find a crack in its dam and squeeze its way out, than it is to rebuild a life from the bottom up. It's always easier to escape than to start over from nothing.
"Sasuke." I had reached him by now, my hand, glowing silver in the moonlight, extended to hover uncertainly over his still-shaking head.
"Suigetsu. Just..be quiet."
I acquiesced. That raw, defeated quality of his voice gave me no choice. Tentatively, I reached down and stroked that midnight black hair, savoring the silky feel between my fingers. After a few moments I stroked my way down to his neck, feeling the tension of the muscles. I massaged his back, my fingers darting up and down the smooth, cool skin and bone, while he sat, still staring at nothing and everything. It was no small satisfaction to me when I noticed the tremors racking his body cease. Finally, I sat next to him and pulled his head onto my chest. He fell limply at first before curling around me like a cat. His vulnerability was completely unnerving. I followed his sullen gaze to the stream before us.
"Where does it go from here?"
"What does it matter?" The answer was barley whispered. "What motivation could it possibly have to keep going?"
"Rivers aren't vengeful, nor do they need any kind of motivation. They simply flow on. It's their nature."
He snorted and his breath ghosted over my collarbone. I shivered slightly at the sensation.
"Everything needs a motivation to exist, Suigetsu. Even insentient things like rivers."
"What if the motivation was simply existence itself?" Now I was just being difficult and we both knew it. I smirked softly.
"Hn." Sasuke sat up a bit and drew his gaze from the river to my eyes. He abruptly changed the flow of our conversation. "Why are you still here? You're a bloodthirsty criminal, loyal to no one. You could have left at any time, yet you chose to remain with me- even now that we've...accomplished our mission." His voice remained steady, but at the last part of his sentence, his breath hitched in his throat.
I stared back at him and slowly, ever cautious, reached out to run a single finger down the harshly beautiful lines of his face. My answer came in a breath. "I couldn't leave you now even if I wanted to."
In our close proximity I saw the understanding flash in his eyes. He took a deep breath and lowered his gaze, his lips pulling together.
"You're a damned fool, Suigetsu."
He made to stand, but I pulled him right back down.
"Listen, Sasuke, you've got to pull yourself together. You can't let this whole Itachi thing stop your life now that you've finally gotten it back." I stared earnestly at him, but he was stubbornly refusing to meet my gaze, his hands slack in my grasp.
Sasuke finally looked up at me his eyes steady yet his expression telling tales of sorrow.
"What life?" he said bitterly, "I never really had one in the first place."
"If you would've just let go of your retarded notions of revenge then you could have had one all along, you dumbass." Romantic, I know. I softened my tone as his eyes darkened even more, "But even now, Sasuke, it's not too late."
He leaned into me slowly, continuing until our faces were just inches apart. My eyes fluttered closed and I breathed,
"Everything will work out, just as the river always finds its way to the sea..."
He kept coming, closer and closer until his lips were so close I could almost taste them, his breath billowing in through my opened mouth. To me it was agonizing, that little gap between us, yet Sasuke seemed to be purposefully maintaining it.
Finally, he whispered, "Who wouldn't like to think that?" He drew away abruptly, and I leaned in blindly, desperately searching for that evanescent contact- for our unrealized potential. My eyes opened to his face- the apathy I found there cutting like a knife through the last vestiges of the hopefulness I had been feeling only moments before. He spoke, voice measured and cold.
"But like too many things in life, that is merely a pleasant, unrealizable notion. Some things just won't work out, Suigetsu."
He stood up, the breeze generated by his passing blowing back my hair as he smoothly walked off. The double meaning in his last words had been unmistakable.
Still, even through the heartbreak, his scent and the feel of his skin remained engraved into my heart- sure to be the fuel to feed the fire of my now-hopeless obsession.
But his words from earlier were what stuck with me the most, echoing around in my head.
You're a damned fool, Suigetsu.
I laughed bitterly through the tears. Sauske, Sasuke, Sasuke. How wrong you really are. I'm not a fool at all, I know when I'm rejected. I know when all my hopes have been torn away just as well as you do. This isn't the first time my life has been stopped in its tracks- my progress towards what I wish to attain so cruelly halted.
After all, I am a perpetually damned estuary.
Hah, I'll be lucky if I ever see the sea.
Owari
Notes: Torturous, I know. I've never written anything that bitter before, I generally like all my stories to have clean, perfect, rounded endings. Ah well.
Update News
Carpools: Due to the poll results as of now, it looks like this is gonna get the next update. The 13th or sometime around there is the time slot we're looking at for this next update.
The Five Laws of Woo: Sometime before or after "Carpools". I really don't know...ahh. This is the only chapter I didn't have good plans for.
As always, reviews are love. Also, if you could do me one more favor, visit my poll and vote on what you want me to write next.
Love you, Casey
BISCUIT