Death can wait... or can't she?
.
You know me.
How I like to make things right. How I like to play fair.
And from what I see today, the score is not even between us.
It's my turn now to be on the grill.
Only this time, I fear there won't be any rescue team fast enough to catch me and prevent the fall to Hell, not even you, Buddy.
Because this time the enemy is far more vicious than everything we had to face before. This time, the enemy hides within my blood... and fear lies within my soul.
Today, I face the idea of my death to strike soon and it scares the hell out of me. I wish I could say this out loud: I'm not afraid to die, but I'm scared of losing you, of leaving you alone behind!! We've been through so much together. Somehow I've always kept some kind of score in one tiny corner of my mind and I was sure that, up there, there was someone keeping score too!
The ball is mine. And I swear to God I'll have the balls to fight to my last breath, even though I know this time, for the first time, it's a lost fight.
The only consolation – if I had the guts to consider it as such – is that I'll be gone soon and you won't see me suffer for too long.
Oh man! This is not happening... Please... Tell me I'm just having a nightmare and I'm gonna wake up from this nonsense!
One moment, you're fine, happy, making plans... the next, you're dead... almost. And in between, there is this tiny breach in time engulfing your sanity when you understand the world is collapsing on you.
As they say, there is a "before" and there is an "after". Oh fuck, I don't wanna go to "after"! I wanna remain in the "now"!! I'm not ready for this. How can they do this to me? My heart is crushed under the weight of knowing I have to go. What do you think they'd say if I held you close to me right now, just to feel your heartbeat against mine, to steal a bit of your energy in order not to collapse?
But then again, you'd feel my body shivering out of fear, cold; you could taste the smell of death all over my skin.
And I know exactly what your reaction would be. You'd wanna trade places.
Not this time, my friend. You've got a life to live. And I'm sure it's gonna be a good one. I know your heart still aches since Rosey's gone, but something inside me tells me you're gonna make it. Somewhere there is a gorgeous one for you, waiting to be seduced with that irresistible charm of yours. And you're gonna be happy. And you're gonna have kids. Remember, your first boy is to be named after me, huh?
It really pisses me off that I won't be there to see that! What worries me most is who's gonna comfort you when I'm gone? Who's gonna tuck you in when you've had too much? Who's gonna share deliriously happy hangovers with you? Who's gonna watch your back when danger lurks?
Who's gonna be your best friend, your best man?
Oh God, I gotta stop this! It's no use. I'll be gone soon and all you need right now is to see a confident smile on my face, as if we'd pretend you will find a solution to this... even though I know there is none this time.
We have cheated death one time too many. One after the other and on so many occasions that I'm surprised we were nor requested to pay the bill any sooner!!
…
You embraced the wreck I had become in your protective arms and loving heart, when all I wanted was to lose myself again in that delightful yet deceptive white beatitude. You filled my veins with soft whispers instead, so I could make it through my snow storm.
This one was for me.
…
Shortly after that, I had to contain all the fear and anger I felt within and refrain from killing with my bare hands the scum who shot you in that restaurant. That night, the rain was falling, your body was bleeding, my soul was crying. I don't know how I made it through, since I had been that close to being shot myself. I took it upon me to remain calm, on the outside, while every fiber inside me was shouting for help. Your humor made the difference. As well as the way you handled this.
That one was for you.
…
Sometimes, destiny made a wrong turn. And you were hit one more time. But dammit, why did you have to interfere with the course of events I almost had a complete control upon, even if you thought it was a good idea at the time? The enemy in your blood was already poisoning my hopes of rescuing you on time.
Again, we made it.
…
Talk about Gillian. Well, we did not really cheated death at that time. She did. But there is something I did not tell you back then. I'm sorry about the way I reacted when you told me the truth about her, risking our friendship. Actually, I was the one who almost killed our precious bond. You certainly did the right thing, because you loved me that much. And how did I thank you? I don't even recall I did.
I cheated with the "D" Lady, I was not ready for her.
…
The hide and seek game with death went on when you got abducted by Marcus weirdo gang and I refused to let go until I ran like hell, put the sacrifice knife away and hold you safe in my arms. You were right: it took me so long to find you.
But death was not gonna win that round, not on my watch!
...
However, the shadows were persistent and tried again on me. I admit I should have listened to you and get rid of that piece of junk. See? I even start to use your own words. Perhaps I would not have lost control and ended up trapped under it for hours, waiting for darkness to engulf my soul as my body was dying in the sun. I saw you fall from above like an angel from Heaven.
The death warrant was not for me yet.
…
I was almost certain Terry's adieu would make you surrender to oblivion too. It was probably the moment I understood you would make a formidable husband. I saw it in your eyes when you were losing yourself in her smile. I understood then that, one day, I would have to let go, not of our friendship – no force on Earth could manage that – but I would have to withdraw just a little to let you create your own nest.
You survived.
…
Fate had decided to hit us both the following time. When you were programmed to strangle me and my only solution was to push us both off that cliff, not even knowing whether we would survive the fall. If we hadn't, at least, we would have died together. What do you know, even Papa Theodore failed to play his tricks on us! Seems that we were stronger than voodoo!!
Two thumbs up for us.
…
Next thumb up was for you... or me... depending on who's telling the next episode. OK. One for me for getting myself in deep trouble when flirting with a lunatic. One for you to show up right on time to catch me. God knows she was sure of herself; she needed to be after all, she was working in a hospital, so she needed her hand to be firm when using a needle. The difference was there was no needle in her hand when you stopped her from finishing me. What made her slow the knife long enough to give you time to arrive and save me?
I'll never know but I'm thankful.
…
We really have an incredible predilection for dramatic situations. As if Diana was only the prelude to what we had to face just a couple of weeks later. When I saw you on that table, strapped, unable to move an inch, I knew they were planning to kill you. The door was locked. I was flying high, but in dark clouds, my head full of some drug preventing me from being efficient and rescuing you. I gotta say you had one hell of a guardian angel that day! Who held the hand of that nurse or whispered some sensible reasoning in her mind? Whatever! You made it... again!
Set: Starsky.
…
We had one hell of a ride over the last two years, you and me! But I don't regret one bit. These two years were the best I could have dreamed of. You made all the difference. You changed the cards in our hands and my deal with life ended up so much better. Our bodies carry the signs of all that fate tried to tattoo on us. They'll wear off, in time. But the most important scars covered by the sweetest balm of love are only to be seen and shared by me and thee.
…
That's why I'm so pissed off today!!! I won't be able to ease your pain when I travel to the other side.
Because I'm almost gone. The paradox is I haven't been shot at, I have not been drugged. I have not been kidnapped either. I'm not lost: You know where to find me at all times. I've not been hurt by another woman either.
This time, you're here, so close to me and yet so far away from now on. Because I can not hold you anymore. Shit! That's so unfair.
God, I'll miss you, Babe. I won't even be allowed to hug you one last time and let you feel how much you meant to me. Life blessed me with the gift of you. I should be thankful, if only for that!
So?...
So I will not complain.
I will try to smile.
I will meet my fate.
This time, I regret only one thing: I lied to you, Buddy.
I won't live until 148!
The End... or...?