Author's Note: Hey all! It's been a very long time since I stopped by FF and I have to admit a big part of that has to do with writer's block. I haven't abandoned my other story, I just have no idea where I want it to go. I started writing this little one shot about a month ago and have been adding a few paragraphs to it here and there. Now that it's done, I'll dedicate any free time on Jackie Kelso and make sure not to start any new stories until that one is completed. Hope you enjoy this one and until next time!
Hyde sits in the dark in the small room he has come to claim as his own for several years now. He looks around the gray cell-liked living quarters and takes a quick inventory of every possession he has managed to take up during what would be considered his adult life. Besides a few records, a few drawers filled with concert t-shirts and jeans and some worn boots, there was nothing of value or special significance. There has seemingly been little progress in his life from the time he graduated high school and now. Of course, there were the numerous mistakes he's made along the way but he would prefer to forget about those. His most latest, however, takes the cake. A sham marriage to a Las Vegas stripper which ended just two short days ago after her husband came to "reclaim" her. After months of a pretend life with a wife that made him semi-happy, he got back his normal, whatever that meant now. Hiding out in his room, for now, served as an escape from the constant attention his friends and the Formans had been showering him with since Sam's departure. They all squandered around him as though he was going to drive off a cliff at any point. Hell, even Red Forman looked at him through the corner of his eyes just to make sure he was alright. Eric even called from Africa to check up on him which just annoyed Hyde.
Worst of all was Donna, who just shrieked and brought up Jackie right after Sam left. The mention of Jackie angered Hyde more so than Sam leaving. Sure he knew they were all thinking about her and how she would react to his wife leaving. She had been, after all, heartbroken after he let Sam stay thus ending their own tumultuous relationship. Also, it would be an understatement to say they had been vicious towards one another afterwards.
He himself thought about Jackie shortly after Sam left. Just for a brief moment he let himself wonder how she would react to the news; if she would be happy or angry. His guess was she would be elated that his marriage blew up in his face after everything he had put her through. Not that he could blame her, he had been an asshole to her and deserved any ill-will towards him. However, two days later and he had not even seen her or even heard anyone mention her. Surely Donna or Fez would have told her that Sam left by now.
Hyde only allowed himself to think about Jackie for a short time though, because he didn't want to let himself go through that rabbit hole again. Every time he thought about Jackie, all he could think about was all the things that went wrong between them and how many mistakes he, particularly, had made. Of course she was not guilt-free, but he had spent enough time during their relationship pointing out her wrongs that after they broke up, he was able to analyze the moments, the many moments, where he messed up. A small part of him, the part that wasn't prideful, had wanted to pull her aside several times and apologize for everything he had put her through. Of course, that never happened because his pride was bigger than his desire to make amends with her. Then that made him wonder if he had actually cared about her as much as he once thought he did.
Of course he cared about her. She was the only person he let in, the only one he allowed to get to know him on a level deeper than just the neurotic, conspiracy but. Even during his most sober moments he was able to tell her things he would never admit to others. She managed to break down enough of his walls to get to see that he was a real person who had dreams and fears and who could be hurt. It never seized to amaze him how careful she was to guard all the secrets he told her and the attention she paid to everything he said. He remembers moments that at the time felt insignificant but in hindsight, they weren't. These moments, in which they would be sitting in his tiny room and he would tell her how he felt about something or other that had occurred that day. She would just sit there next to him, eyes fixed on his and just listen. The only times she would interrupt was when she missed a small detail and asked him to repeat it. Sometimes she wouldn't even respond, she would just nod her head, hold his hand and let the room breathe with silence which would oddly be comforting for him.
He lets himself continue thinking about some of these tiny moments he shared with her when he hears a tap on the door. "Well, if it isn't the devil herself" he says with a slight smile.
"Hey" she says standing over by the door. He sits up on the cot, his bare back against the wall and he looks at her through the frames of his sunglasses. He quickly admires the way her jeans hug her body and her top rests just under her bellybutton, exposing just a bit of flesh. Her hair was in its usual loose waves and even in the terrible lighting, she was luminous.
He makes a small nod with his head in acknowledgement.
She doesn't move from the doorway but her eyes dart around the room. "Haven't been back here in a long time," she starts. "Looks different."
Hyde takes a moment to follow her eyes and tries to remember the room as it was the last time she was in there. He realizes he can't actually remember the last time they were in this room together. It couldn't have been more than a couple of months but it's felt like an eternity. Now, seeing her standing just a few feet from him disorients him a bit. "I guess it does" he says still looking around.
"It's grayer, and messier" she points out.
Hyde nods. "Well, you know me" he says, "the grayer and messier the better." He turns back to look at her and sees her nodding her head and slightly biting the inside of her cheek. He can tell that she isn't comfortable and that it probably took a long time for her to convince herself to even walk towards his room. He also knew that she had not planned this conversation at all. An uncomfortable silence falls between them in which she continues avoiding eye contact and he makes it a point to look directly at her.
"Well, did you need something?" he asks.
"Oh, no I just came..." she trails off and licks her bottom lip before growing silent again.
"Came to boast about Sam leaving?"
This time she looks at him and narrows her eyes slightly. She doesn't say anything and he can tell that she is trying to make out his eyes through his glasses. This is something she used to do all the time when they were still together. He takes the glasses off and a small smile forms across her lips.
"I don't think I need to boast about that" she tells him.
"Why's that?" he asks.
"It's not really something to get excited about."
"So you're not even a little happy that this all blew up in my face?"
Jackie frowns and shakes her head. She crosses her arms across her chest and leans against the doorway. "You don't know me at all if you thought that would make me happy" she replies.
"I figured you would be since Sam's the reason we-" he starts but is quickly cut off.
"Sam has nothing to do with you and I not working out Steven. That was our own doing. I just came to see how you were doing. I thought I'd give you a few days first" she tells him and in that moment Hyde starts to understand how much she really gets him. Even after all this time apart and not being in each other's lives, she knows he would want time to himself to process everything and, unlike everyone else jumping on his case immediately, she allowed him the space he needed.
"I'm doing alright" he says and takes a deep breath. As surprised as he was that she cared enough to check in on him, Jackie was frankly the last person he wanted to talk about Sam or anything Sam-relate.
"I'm glad" she says. "If you need anything, try asking one of the others first but if they can't help, feel free to come to me" she jokes and makes him laugh. The first full, hearty laugh he's had in the last two days, or perhaps longer.
"Thanks."
She starts to turn to leave but turns back to look at him again. "You should really clean up and think about adding some lights. It's depressing here" she says and heads out into the basement.
Hyde immediately thinks about the time she redecorated this space. He had walked into a monstrosity of purple and twinkle lights. Lavender scented candles and an array of pillows scattered all over his bed and, as much as he didn't want to admit it then, he had grown to like all the little things she thought about to make him comfortable. In one of their private moments soon after that, he thanked her and it had been the first time they had both talked about a future together. Perhaps that was the moment he had really planted the seed in her head that eventually resulted in their downfall, but at that moment, he let himself think of a life with her.
Hyde quickly hops off his cot and rushes out into the basement where he finds Jackie opening the door. "Hey, hold on a second" he says.
She looks towards him, still holding the doorknob.
"Can we, uh, talk?" he asks.
He can tell that she is pondering his request and after a moment of silence, lets go of the doorknob and nods her head. She doesn't move from her spot by the door and he's aware that she is wary of keeping enough distance between the two of them. "Want to sit?" he says.
Cautiously, she makes her way to the beach chair Kelso used to occupy while he takes his usual seat across from her. Yet again, they find themselves enveloped in an awkward silence. "Uh, Steven, you wanted to talk about something" she finally says.
"Right" he starts, now realizing he was the one who hadn't planned out the conversation. He hadn't really thought about what he wanted to say to her but he knew he didn't want to stop talking to her. After such a long time with no communication, and despite the initial level of discomfort, she still knew him and perhaps even cared enough to see how he was doing.
"I uh, never got around to apologizing for, well, you know" he starts and kicks himself for the half-assed apology. It hadn't occurred to him that saying what he was sorry about would be this difficult. Saying it out loud would mean he would have to bring up all the harsh words and looks he threw her way and all the times he ignored her or flaunted his wife in her face all while he knew she was watching and hurting. He would have to admit that he had been awful to her and had gone out of his way to deliberate hurt her. Worst of all, he had done it for no other reason than she had gone to chase after her dreams after he hadn't bothered to provide her with any future plans for them that would justify her staying in Point Place.
"It's water under a bridge now" she says, not pushing him towards a real apology as he had expected.
"I still wanted to apologize" he tells her.
"Well thanks, I appreciate it. But like I said, it wasn't really necessary I've gotten over what happened between us" she tells him and looking at her, he believes her. She seems calm around him, calmer than any of the other times he has paid attention when Sam was still around and the wound of their failed relationship was still fresh to him. Then, he tried so hard to hurt her and dangle his wife in her face as a way to repay her for the pain she caused him when he found her with Kelso in Chicago.
"Okay, just felt like I needed to say it."
"If it makes you feel better, especially after this whole Sam thing, then okay."
Yet another silence dawns between the two of them and Hyde begins to wonder how much of an actual conversation he can get out of her, how much of a conversation he even wanted to have after the eventful few days he's had. Maybe it was best to allow himself more time to process everything before speaking to her again, but who knows if they'll even have this opportunity again.
"How have you been?" he asks, deciding to take the leap and try to converse with her.
She looks at him and arches an eyebrow in amusement at the small talk he is attempting. She could get some satisfaction and make it hard for him, make him work for any sort of interaction he's anticipating. Or, she could continue to be empathetic towards what is going on with him and just be a good sport. "I've been really good actually" she says, choosing the latter.
"That's good" he replies. He isn't very aware of what's been going on with her. He hears things here and there when his friends bring her up or when she comes skipping into the basement wanting to share a good piece of news with them. Many times he would ignore her, especially if Sam was around in order to keep a "happy home" so to speak. He was aware that Sam would look towards him every time Jackie was in the basement, almost as if making sure he wasn't gawking or lusting after her. Granted his sunglasses helped him be under the radar in the moments he did glance over to look at her, but he was weary not to get caught. The last thing he needed was another argument with Sam about Jackie.
"Steven, I really hope we're not about to sit here and make small talk because we both know I'm not good at that" she tells him.
Hyde laughs, "I guess I forgot about that" he says.
"So. How are you really doing?" she asks.
He stares at her for a moment and can tell she genuinely cares and a sense of calm washes over him and just as he had when they were together, he feels more comfortable than he has in a very long time. "I'm alright. I suppose you're all expecting me to be sad but I'm really alright."
"I don't think anyone was expecting you to be sad. Pissed off maybe, but not sad" she responds.
"I'm not pissed off either."
"That's surprising. You're always pissed off" Jackie says with a smile.
"I guess that's true."
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks him.
"With you? That might be uncomfortable don't you think?"
"Try me, and if it gets uncomfortable I'll tell you to stop. How does that sound?"
"I don't know Jackie."
"Just talk Steven."
Hyde sighs, knowing that no good can come out of this conversation. No woman in her right mind actually wants to talk to her ex-boyfriend about the woman he married instead of her. Specially not when that woman was being dangled in her face purposely to torment her by said ex. "I'm not mad or sad or anything really," Hyde start. "Things with Sam were just always easy. Didn't have to think about doing the right thing or being the right guy, I just did whatever felt right for me."
"She was still your wife though, you had to feel something when she left" Jackie chimes in.
"Confused for a moment, but then nothing honestly."
"I don't believe that."
"Well it's true. Sam and I were just keeping each other company for the time being, it wasn't something big."
"It was a marriage. That means something."
"Well, technically we weren't really married" Hyde says.
"But you didn't know that. As far as you knew you were married. Come on Steven, she lived here for months. There's no way you didn't feel anything when she left."
"I really don't know what you want me to tell you Jackie. Sam wasn't someone I would have been with long-term. She wasn't..." he trails off and looks into her eyes.
A brief moment passes by in which they are looking at each other. "She wasn't what?" Jackie finally says in a lower tone. Her heart rate accelerates and she needs to look away from him.
"She...wasn't you" Hyde whispers knowing that those words were going to scare her but wanting to stop being afraid of telling her how he feels.
Jackie bites on her bottom lip and shakes her head. "Don't do that" she says, more to herself than to him. For so long, all she had wanted to hear from Hyde was that she was the person he envisioned being with. All the issues throughout their relationship stemmed from him not being able to tell her that. Now, here they were, his wife having just left him and he's telling her the reason he didn't care was because he never felt for Sam what he did for her.
"I'm sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear now" he tells her.
"No it isn't, so stop."
"Jackie-" Hyde starts but is cut off.
"Don't Steven."
"Jackie, I know-"
"This is me telling you I'm uncomfortable now, so stop."
"I'm sorry" Hyde says not wanting to scare her away anymore than he has. "I really didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"It's fine. I should get going" Jackie says and gets off her spot on the couch.
Hyde sits silently for a moment watching her and starts to wonder when he will have an opportunity to be alone with her again or when he will find the courage that he has mustered up now to be honest with her about everything that he's been thinking and feeling. Even if it's uncomfortable for both of them, the worst that can happen is she'll walk away like. But, if he puts himself out there and show her that he's not the same guy who chose Sam over her...maybe he'll have a shot.
"Jackie wait, let's just talk. I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable but I just wanted to be honest with you."
"You want to be honest with me? It's a little late for that don't you think?" she turns and says bitterly.
"I don't know, why don't we talk and figure it out."
This time, she laughs and he can tell it's not a happy, hearty laugh but rather one that's meant to tell him he's foolish for even making the suggestion. As if he needed any confirmation, she says "there's nothing to figure out. I can tell you right now, that it is much to late for you and I to attempt anything. The only reason I came here was because I'm a decent person, despite what you might think, and I wanted to let you know that I did feel bad that your marriage ended. That does not mean I'm sorry that it did or that I had any hope that you and I could try again because that's absolutely not the case. I could never be with someone who hurt me the way you did. Never" she reiterates.
"Come on Jackie, I know I fucked up and I take responsibility for everything I've done to mess our relationship up, everything before Sam and everything up until now. I was a jerk to you because I was hurt too and I thought you had chosen Kelso over me-"
"Oh give me a break! You're going to blame me for your insecurities? I never gave you any indication that I didn't love you or would choose Michael over you. I asked you, over and over again, if you wanted to marry me, if you saw a future with me and you could never give me an answer. So don't sit there pointing fingers at me when you clearly were not as invested in our relationship as I was."
"I was invested in our relationship Jackie" Hyde says, getting up and standing opposite her.
"Yeah, sure you were" she says rolling her eyes.
"I was. Was I scared of jumping into that commitment? I was. But that doesn't mean I never saw it happening."
"You obviously saw it happening, just not with me which is why you jumped at the chance to stay married to Sam right?"
"I was never married to Sam" Hyde states.
"You didn't know that! You blissfully unaware that she was already married to someone else and loving every moment you got to rub your "happy" relationship in my face. I knew you hated me, but I really thought that after everything we went through together, you'd be less cruel."
"I don't hate you Jackie, I never hated you. Christ, I was miserable having to see you every day and know that we were really over. Having to watch you with Fez...that was torture. But what was I going to do? Just shout out that I loved you? I couldn't do that. I was married to Sam and I just couldn't hurt her like that."
Jackie pauses for a moment as she takes in the word "love" and as instantly as she processes it, she becomes angry. The nerve of him to throw out that word so casually after everything they've put each other through, after all the nights she spent crying over him and watching him give everything she ever wanted to someone else. "No, instead you hurt me. You made me your punching bag."
"That was never my intention" Hyde says softly processing the pain in her voice and starting to realize just how much he hurt her. He would be lying if he said he didn't want to hurt Jackie just a bit. After walking in on her in a motel room with Kelso, he let every possible insecurity get to him and no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get over them. It didn't matter that he had a hot wife he could parade around and shove down Jackie's throat. No. He wanted her to feel what he felt when he walked in and saw Kelso wrapped in a towel. That same pain and sense of betrayal...she had to see what that felt like.
Jackie sighs and shakes her head. "It doesn't matter anymore Steven. I'm not going to rehash this with you anymore. I'm just so tired of it."
"Tired of what?" Hyde asks feeling more and more defeated with every sentence she says. He could sense how removed she was from what they had. Perhaps she's had more time to process everything they've been through. The multiple volumes of their relationship had been something he pushed aside while Sam was around because it was too much to face. Instead, he ignored everything that had to do with Jackie, except when it came time to burn her or make her feel like shit.
"I'm tired of you and me and just everything. Love shouldn't be this painful. It feels like so long ago, but I really did think you were my soulmate and that what we had was enough to overcome everything that came our way, but we sure did make it a mission to completely fuck it all up didn't we?" she says with a sad laugh.
"What if it's not too late? What if this is us getting another chance?" he asks hopeful. Maybe he can fix the mistakes he's made over the last few months and get the life he really wanted with the person he's meant to be with. If he can get her to give him just one more shot, he can redeem himself and give her everything she deserves.
"Steven-" she starts but he interrupts, knowing that he has to convince her.
"Jackie, I don't want you to feel like you have to decide now. I don't want to pressure you, but I do want to ask you to consider it. I know I fucked up and hurt you. I can't take that back, but I wish I could. I really do and I am sorry. I just want the opportunity to show you how sorry I am and to make it up to you. I can't promise that I'll be the perfect man, but I want to try to be that for you, because you deserve it."
"Steven, I don't think we can get back what we had" she answers, her eyes glazed over with the tears she has been trying so hard not to shed since they started their conversation.
"I don't want what we had. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I just want to be the man you deserve. All I'm asking is for one more chance to...to become someone you can consider your soulmate again."
"I-I...I need time" Jackie responds as she wipes a few tears away.
"I have time" he replies.
She simply nods her head and looks at him, notices the sincerity in his eyes and for a moment, despite every part of her being screaming to not trust him, she allows herself to believe him and becomes hopeful for the first time in a long time. Jackie looks down at her hands and, before the moment fades, she looks at him once more and offers him a small smile. "I'll see you around Steven" she says and turns towards the door.
"I'll see you around Jackie" he says as she exits the basement.
Hyde retakes his seat and sighs. Maybe things did not go exactly the way he thought they would. Hell, he didn't even think they'd have a conversation when she walked into his room. But even though she couldn't give him an answer, she didn't say no which is what he was expecting and now, he could allow himself to have a glimmer of hope of a future with her.
That is all he could ask for.